Dean looked at his watch. 8:00. He smiled just a little to himself like he always did when he got to see her. He would never really understand why he kept going back. Going back wasn't really his style. But there was just something about her. He picked up his jacket.
"Where are you going?" Sam looked up. Dean seemed happy and that seemed weird. Good but definitely not usual.
"Out." That's all his brother would say."Don't wait up." Dean pocketed the keys to the Impala, leaving Sam wondering where the hell he was going. Inside the car he pulled out his phone and scrolled down. Debbie. He smiled again. I'm on my way he texted.
She saw him when he came in the bar. He had that soft gaze in those green eyes and that slow sweet smile creeping over his perfect lips and just like every time he came back. It might be a year in between visits, with a call late at night or a random text. But still every time he just made her melt inside. He sat on the stool at the end of the bar just like he had that night ten years ago. He's been so sad and alone that night. Not like tonight. Tonight his green eyes were smiling, crinkles showing just a little age. She paused tray in hand as she rounded the corner of the bar. He reached out and wrapped his hand around her wrist, pulling her close
She smiled up at him. He said "Hello sweetheart." His lips were close to hers and she wanted to kiss him. He wanted to kiss her too. She could tell.
"Easy there cowboy," she laughed. "I get off in half an hour. You need a beer?" Dean turned her loose.
"I want more than that. But yeah I'll take a beer." The tone of his voice was rough and low. It made her shiver slightly. He smiled a more naughty smile.
"You got both." She whispered her response and he let her go. She returned with an El Sol and sat it in front of him. He raised the bottle to those perfect lips and watched her interact with her customers. She felt pretty and special and cherished because Dean Winchester was all eyes for her.
Half an hour later he was leaning on the Impala when she exited the bar. She hurried to him and felt his arms go around her,enveloping her with himself as he pulled her tight against his chest. His lips sought hers and she kissed him back with passion. "God I missed you," he whispered his mouth close to her ear as he placed a kiss on her neck. "Let's go to your place" he said. He kissed her again and she thought she might die from happiness.
She sighed and he laughed. "What?" He rolled over to face her and pushed himself up on one elbow
"Nothing. You sounded cute." He reached out and pulled her close. Pressing her head into his chest he brushed her hair back.She snuggled closer feeling safe and warm and loved. It was always this way when he was here. Had been since that first night. She knew he would go soon. He never stayed but he always came back. She knew it was silly to love him so much. Dean wasn't the man who was going to marry you or have a family but he had ruined her for other men.
"Dean..." She began. He looked down at her. What the hell why not be honest. " I love you." She waited for him to stiffen up. For him to go. He didn't. He pulled her even closer and kissed the top of her head.
" I know." He kissed her forehead. "Love you too". Her eyes misted over and a tear escaped and ran down her cheek. He thumbed it away and when she looked up at him his eyes were glassy too.
"Do you have to go?" She was sure he would. He always did.
He shook his head, pulling the covers over them, settling his head against hers."No. I can stay." She allowed sleep to claim her as she dozed off in his arms. He was so beautiful as she looked up at him once more, his lashes much too long to belong to a man. He looked content,saited and peaceful. They slept.
The next morning he was gone. His pillow still smelled like him and she hugged it to her. Rolling over she saw the note he'd left on the nightstand. She picked it up and read it.
"Bye beautiful. Til next time. Love, Dean. " She'd be waiting. She'd wait forever. Because it was Dean. Because she knew he'd come back. She pressed the note to her heart and hugged his pillow giving in to the tears.
Monday, September 14, 2015
Sunday, September 6, 2015
The Creation Disclaimer
So it's on all our minds that some people have over shared to the guys in photo ops,autographs and even panel time. I do not discount these stories but I feel some restraint should be used. The boys aren't there to be therapists and yes Jared seems to get the brunt of it. He's much more openly emotional than Jensen.
On the other hand, Creation used the word burdening the stars and this is a little harsh. They don't feel that way. It's just too much is too much. I feel that I pay a lot of hard earned cash for my moments with the stars. I feel it's ok and also should be allowed for a paying customer to say thanks and love in the few moments he or she paid for. You can be positive. You can do it succinctly and in the time you are allowed. I hope Creation does not intend to go to a step up smile you're gone routine because a few overstepped the boundaries. It's what makes a con special and let's face it we all wait for our 45 seconds of heaven! And pay dearly for it. The reason we all love Creation cons is that we DO have this chance to actually be near the boys.
Yes Jared left himself open and he does care about these things. Jensen does too. To post simply to a FB page however just means you still have a one in five million chance they will ever see it. So what can we do? Maybe fans could start a posting place to help and encourage one another? Maybe something like watch parties but SPN fan support groups? My mind is wondering and considering. I invite a conversation on this because I am happy to be a builder for something like this . We all wish for some personal time with Jensen and Jared. But in reality we MOST of us get our paid for time. So some family support at another place would be nice.
Lately I have been struggling with the whole idea of be grateful and not taking things for granted. My last little stretch of existence hasn't been easy. I'm not suicidal or any of the big bad dark things but circumstances have made me appreciate the #AKF because life's struggles are not limited to self harm and mental illness and I know from very close family members that is hard. But sometimes LIFE is just hard. And I personally think the guys would hug me and encourage me just as much for those struggles.
Creation is right to keep personal stories out of the panels and to ask fans to keep things quick and not traumatic in ops. As much as they want to and our boys DO want to be there for everyone they can't. I know for me a personal conversation with Jensen would make my whole life but in reality if I get three sentences it's enough. Please Creation don't take away our chance to say thanks and love.
On the other hand, Creation used the word burdening the stars and this is a little harsh. They don't feel that way. It's just too much is too much. I feel that I pay a lot of hard earned cash for my moments with the stars. I feel it's ok and also should be allowed for a paying customer to say thanks and love in the few moments he or she paid for. You can be positive. You can do it succinctly and in the time you are allowed. I hope Creation does not intend to go to a step up smile you're gone routine because a few overstepped the boundaries. It's what makes a con special and let's face it we all wait for our 45 seconds of heaven! And pay dearly for it. The reason we all love Creation cons is that we DO have this chance to actually be near the boys.
Yes Jared left himself open and he does care about these things. Jensen does too. To post simply to a FB page however just means you still have a one in five million chance they will ever see it. So what can we do? Maybe fans could start a posting place to help and encourage one another? Maybe something like watch parties but SPN fan support groups? My mind is wondering and considering. I invite a conversation on this because I am happy to be a builder for something like this . We all wish for some personal time with Jensen and Jared. But in reality we MOST of us get our paid for time. So some family support at another place would be nice.
Lately I have been struggling with the whole idea of be grateful and not taking things for granted. My last little stretch of existence hasn't been easy. I'm not suicidal or any of the big bad dark things but circumstances have made me appreciate the #AKF because life's struggles are not limited to self harm and mental illness and I know from very close family members that is hard. But sometimes LIFE is just hard. And I personally think the guys would hug me and encourage me just as much for those struggles.
Creation is right to keep personal stories out of the panels and to ask fans to keep things quick and not traumatic in ops. As much as they want to and our boys DO want to be there for everyone they can't. I know for me a personal conversation with Jensen would make my whole life but in reality if I get three sentences it's enough. Please Creation don't take away our chance to say thanks and love.
Thursday, August 20, 2015
Pictures,Posts and Selfies...Be Kind
So filming is in full swing and so is Con Season. I love cons. I'm planning on three this year. So I'm addicted clearly. I love this show so much. I have really been thinking a lot about all the pictures we are seeing from the set though. When did it become a THING to stand around for 7 hours and try to get selfless with the guys? I guess there are a few reasons I feel odd about it. One is again it's this sense of fandom competition. There was a group of people putting out selfies for days. Ok. Good. You had an opportunity. You shared it. But how? I think if you're going to complain about retweets,pins,crops, don't post. It's going to happen. For the record, the whole credit for pictures? I promise if I ever have pictures of the boys and I post them please use them with my joy and happiness. I am willing to share if that happens. To put pictures out and make snide comments about it...I don't know. Someone is bound to say you're jealous. Perhaps. Not insanely so.I would love a picture I didn't pay for. There in is another problem MOST of us do have to pay for our pictures.So if you're lucky enough to have a random shot, please treat others gently. Remember also not everyone out there is going to be able .to go to a con either so telling everyone ten times you have 20 photo ops isn't gentle either. I try to be and really feel so grateful for my photo ops and con experiences. I guess too I worry about safety on set too. Again MOST people are just trying to see their favorite actors. But there's always the what if lurking back there. Our boys are so sweet and trusting which is wonderful. I am probably over cautious but it bothers me from time to time. Again, I'm really happy when people are happy. Lately I've felt like there is so much competition to be the best fan or a better one. You're no less a fan and no less valued by Jensen and Jared if you go to a con general admission or Gold. Or if you don't. Sometimes I have felt that you aren't Gold thing at cons and it kinda sucks. I have never had anything but a great con experience but if we're not all really thinking what we tweet and post there are fans who will get hurt. Not because you , me or they mean to. This is a complicated deep meaning thing we're all in. Fangirling goes way beyond looking at some cute guys where Supernatural is concerned. Because of the way we attach ourselves to the content, characters and actors it can get personal really quick. I guess I'm suggesting what? Fandom etiquette? Be kind and thoughtful when posting. It's a family and you don't want to hurt your family.Share. Post and squee. But do in a nice way. There are always people wanting to be where you are. I love seeing pictures and hearing stories. Just be kind. 💓
Tuesday, July 14, 2015
My Hero's Name is Jensen
I am writing this from my heart. It's been weighing on me ever since yesterday at ComicCon. Some people won't agree and that's okay. These are my thoughts and feelings and observations and I would never expect anyone to always agree with me. That's what makes the world, and our Supernatural fandom so special.I was told recently by my dear friend Amy to never apologize for having an opinion or loving our show. So I'm not. It's just a warning that it may not be the most popular opinion.
It concerns Jensen. Big surprise right? Let me first say the tribute to Jared and Always Keep Fighting was very nice and he was so touched. It meant a lot and I applaud the fans who put it together. It took a ton of work and your dedication is amazing. So is the love behind the gesture.I have issue that all the tributes to the Always Keep Fighting Campaign are only to Jared. As I recall the boys are a partnership. Moose and Squirrel together. I know Jared had a rough time this summer and I don't discount that. I was one of the first people to respond to his pleas for love. I love Jared very much so no one needs to go there. But let's not forget who carried on in the summer cons, trying his hardest to make sure he gave disappointed fans a great experience. He did not only his own photos and autos and panels but filled in the gaps for his missing best friend. He seemed all but exhausted himself when he returned.
Then there was this:
And I was more touched then I can ever express. See I was this fan. Not so little or precious but I was so overwhelmed at meeting him in 2013 at VegasCon I lost it. Crying and unable to speak. At all. The handlers and the people in line behind me were more than a little annoyed but this guy held on to me and whispered reassurances and refused to let me be moved along or made to wait. That sweet look in his eyes? Yep. I've seen it. Just like that. It's real.
Jensen is way more quiet than Jared, Misha and Mark. He maintains his emotions really well. He's not as much of a cryer. Thank goodness with fans like me out there! He's uncomfortable being the center of attention and I suspect even if he doesn't say it, he hates to feel he disappointed anyone either. He's truly the big brother of the cast. He's the one who is always there for the others, he praises them and thanks them and showcases their talent. He epitomizes the words brother and family. He gets a great deal of praise for being pretty and God is he ever!! But here's the thing, his heart is every bit as big, as caring as the others: for us, for excellent causes, for making the world a better place. I think my fear is that he is the Dean character here too. Doing what he does because he loves everyone but rarely getting the recognition. He's beautiful inside and out. I know you know this. And I am not diminishing what Jared has done and shared in any way. It takes courage to speak out and to say I struggle with this. I don't know if Jensen has , he's never said except that season 9 was really hard and he was "in a dark place". He was like Dean I think and just pushed through it. He is the poster child for humility. This is a man who despite fans telling him otherwise still can't believe he has musical ability . He is totally unaware of his exceptional good looks or amazing talent. He is a fabulous example of a husband and father.He is the unsung hero, the one who gives the best he has to offer all the time and never thinks of himself first. This is rare and precious and should be celebrated.
So where am I going? This is a partnership. Everyone says it's all about the brothers. Well, that's plural. I hope in the future that if tributes to Always Keep Fighting are done at cons it's to both of them. Jensen is deserving of just as many thanks for saving my life tributes as his adorable costar and buddy. He and Dean saved me.I don't have that dramatic a story and I wont bore you with it.All I know is this show, this man and this family have put more happiness in my life than I can ever tell you.
Again, Jared deserves the tribute, He deserves a high five for admitting he needed a break this summer.And for getting himself back to where he is, rested, happy and ready for season 11. All I'm saying is, there should be just as many rounds of applause for 'the smart little squirrel" that took care of him and all of us. Yes, I love him. I all but worship the guy but he's my hero for all the right reasons. Won't you join me in sending him a little thank you?
It concerns Jensen. Big surprise right? Let me first say the tribute to Jared and Always Keep Fighting was very nice and he was so touched. It meant a lot and I applaud the fans who put it together. It took a ton of work and your dedication is amazing. So is the love behind the gesture.I have issue that all the tributes to the Always Keep Fighting Campaign are only to Jared. As I recall the boys are a partnership. Moose and Squirrel together. I know Jared had a rough time this summer and I don't discount that. I was one of the first people to respond to his pleas for love. I love Jared very much so no one needs to go there. But let's not forget who carried on in the summer cons, trying his hardest to make sure he gave disappointed fans a great experience. He did not only his own photos and autos and panels but filled in the gaps for his missing best friend. He seemed all but exhausted himself when he returned.
Then there was this:
And I was more touched then I can ever express. See I was this fan. Not so little or precious but I was so overwhelmed at meeting him in 2013 at VegasCon I lost it. Crying and unable to speak. At all. The handlers and the people in line behind me were more than a little annoyed but this guy held on to me and whispered reassurances and refused to let me be moved along or made to wait. That sweet look in his eyes? Yep. I've seen it. Just like that. It's real.
Jensen is way more quiet than Jared, Misha and Mark. He maintains his emotions really well. He's not as much of a cryer. Thank goodness with fans like me out there! He's uncomfortable being the center of attention and I suspect even if he doesn't say it, he hates to feel he disappointed anyone either. He's truly the big brother of the cast. He's the one who is always there for the others, he praises them and thanks them and showcases their talent. He epitomizes the words brother and family. He gets a great deal of praise for being pretty and God is he ever!! But here's the thing, his heart is every bit as big, as caring as the others: for us, for excellent causes, for making the world a better place. I think my fear is that he is the Dean character here too. Doing what he does because he loves everyone but rarely getting the recognition. He's beautiful inside and out. I know you know this. And I am not diminishing what Jared has done and shared in any way. It takes courage to speak out and to say I struggle with this. I don't know if Jensen has , he's never said except that season 9 was really hard and he was "in a dark place". He was like Dean I think and just pushed through it. He is the poster child for humility. This is a man who despite fans telling him otherwise still can't believe he has musical ability . He is totally unaware of his exceptional good looks or amazing talent. He is a fabulous example of a husband and father.He is the unsung hero, the one who gives the best he has to offer all the time and never thinks of himself first. This is rare and precious and should be celebrated.
So where am I going? This is a partnership. Everyone says it's all about the brothers. Well, that's plural. I hope in the future that if tributes to Always Keep Fighting are done at cons it's to both of them. Jensen is deserving of just as many thanks for saving my life tributes as his adorable costar and buddy. He and Dean saved me.I don't have that dramatic a story and I wont bore you with it.All I know is this show, this man and this family have put more happiness in my life than I can ever tell you.
Again, Jared deserves the tribute, He deserves a high five for admitting he needed a break this summer.And for getting himself back to where he is, rested, happy and ready for season 11. All I'm saying is, there should be just as many rounds of applause for 'the smart little squirrel" that took care of him and all of us. Yes, I love him. I all but worship the guy but he's my hero for all the right reasons. Won't you join me in sending him a little thank you?
Friday, July 10, 2015
Respecting Jensen
It's been a hard summer and I haven't written anything in a good while. I am sort of replying to something I saw on repeatedly on my Twitter TL yesterday. It involved the "nomination" of Jensen and Misha as best tv chemistry for the TCAs. Okay I get it. Fans seem obsessed with the guys and the show winning awards. Any awards. Hardly a day goes by I am not bombarded with a dozen people asking me to vote for the boys for something.I absolutely feel they are worthy of every award out there. The PCAs and TCAs though are not truly awards. They are the result of fans spending hours clicking VOTE on their computer and phone screens. They are not judged critically like the Emmys or the Oscars(and for the record...you can't win an Oscar for tv y'all. It's for movies.Sorry had to.) and therefore they are manipulated by fans. That's why shows like Beauty and the Beast which is not on any level as good as Supernatural win them. Which brings me to the where I started. Jensen and Misha have been nominated for Destiel. It's being called chemistry but it's being hashtagged as Destiel. I realize some fans ship Dean and Cas. I try to be open minded and say if they ship that then go ahead. And it's really fine if you watch it and talk about with your friends and read and write fan fiction about it. If that's where it ends. If it's fun for you in your own belief, your own way of watching the show, our take on the relationships. The problem comes in in the way fans try to make it everyone's belief. First off, Destiel is not canon.And no amount of shippers trying to make it canon will change that.No amount of writer and show runner bashing will make it so.There are many problems with Destiel as canon that I doubt shippers really think about in their zeal to convince us they are right. Now before I delve into that let me say I am NOT homophobic. I have many very close gay friends. I don't judge. I supported the gay marriage bill and cried over the recent decision. It isn't about me or anyone else being homophobic if we don't ship.So don't go there. I am not trying to engage in a debate over the moral issues.
Okay, Destiel poses several problems to the the story line.It's been established several times that the boys cannot be entangled in personal relationships beyond themselves.No romantic relationship has lasted. It hinders the job and the lifestyle is too hard. Some will argue that Cas understands.He does but he understands as an angel. Yes he's been human but he as Cas has never been in a "domestic" relationship.Let's say Dean and Cas become romantically involved, how does that impact the brother relationship? When they are home, Dean and Cas say goodnight and go to Dean's room? They have secret encounters outside in Baby? On the road Sam becomes a third wheel? It reduces the brother relationship. Do they all three share a room or do they now need to get two? Or, does Cas become a stay at home angel baking cookies? I sound sarcastic but you have to consider what alterations to the essential relationship of the brothers. Then there's the one thing no one ever considers. The boys have ended all of their other relationships. So eventually Cas will either have to go or be killed never to return. Is that what shippers want? No more Cas? As a friend and ally to both he is essential to the story. As a paramour of one, he becomes an accessory you can delete from the equation. Dean will always choose his brother. He sent Cas away when Gadreel told him to. He would do it again.
That aside, Jensen is uncomfortable with Destiel. Time and again he has avoided answering questions about it. And he isn't homophobic either. He has supported his aunt and he partner openly.But he has played Dean straight for a decade and to change that alters who Dean is and changes the show. I and many other fans are personally offended by the recent Astroglide campaign and the "give him a tube of lube" at ComicCon to "celebrate" the Destiel nomination. It's too graphic and too crude and frankly it's disrespectful to an actor who has given more to fans than most actors will ever do. Why if you care about Jensen or love Dean as the character we know would you seek to make him feel awkward or uncomfortable in public? Jensen sees Cas as Dean's closest friend outside of Sam. He's also very respectful of the angel status, even tho he is wary of angels and questions God's role in his life, Dean wants to believe in these things and so Cas represents a higher place and being to Dean. He loves Cas but he isn't attracted to him. Jensen says, "...they are kindred spirits, they have a strong friendship". And that's where it ends. To change that changes the very face of the show as we know it.
I may offend others by pointing this out, may lose folowers and that doesn't matter. What matters to me is that Supernatural, Dean Winchester and Jensen Ackles have made a difference in my life. More than words can express. I have so much love and respect for Jensen I cannot bear the thought of anyone doing anything to embarrass him. I hope the Comic Con goers will be respectful. He has his views and he's not stopping how you interpet the show.And he would surely be hurt by shippers being harassing or mean to fans who don't ship. This is a family. Jensen and Jared are the center. We need to be about giving them as much respect and love as they give us.That is so simple and so easy for me. Just something to think about. I'm done with my say now.
Okay, Destiel poses several problems to the the story line.It's been established several times that the boys cannot be entangled in personal relationships beyond themselves.No romantic relationship has lasted. It hinders the job and the lifestyle is too hard. Some will argue that Cas understands.He does but he understands as an angel. Yes he's been human but he as Cas has never been in a "domestic" relationship.Let's say Dean and Cas become romantically involved, how does that impact the brother relationship? When they are home, Dean and Cas say goodnight and go to Dean's room? They have secret encounters outside in Baby? On the road Sam becomes a third wheel? It reduces the brother relationship. Do they all three share a room or do they now need to get two? Or, does Cas become a stay at home angel baking cookies? I sound sarcastic but you have to consider what alterations to the essential relationship of the brothers. Then there's the one thing no one ever considers. The boys have ended all of their other relationships. So eventually Cas will either have to go or be killed never to return. Is that what shippers want? No more Cas? As a friend and ally to both he is essential to the story. As a paramour of one, he becomes an accessory you can delete from the equation. Dean will always choose his brother. He sent Cas away when Gadreel told him to. He would do it again.
That aside, Jensen is uncomfortable with Destiel. Time and again he has avoided answering questions about it. And he isn't homophobic either. He has supported his aunt and he partner openly.But he has played Dean straight for a decade and to change that alters who Dean is and changes the show. I and many other fans are personally offended by the recent Astroglide campaign and the "give him a tube of lube" at ComicCon to "celebrate" the Destiel nomination. It's too graphic and too crude and frankly it's disrespectful to an actor who has given more to fans than most actors will ever do. Why if you care about Jensen or love Dean as the character we know would you seek to make him feel awkward or uncomfortable in public? Jensen sees Cas as Dean's closest friend outside of Sam. He's also very respectful of the angel status, even tho he is wary of angels and questions God's role in his life, Dean wants to believe in these things and so Cas represents a higher place and being to Dean. He loves Cas but he isn't attracted to him. Jensen says, "...they are kindred spirits, they have a strong friendship". And that's where it ends. To change that changes the very face of the show as we know it.
I may offend others by pointing this out, may lose folowers and that doesn't matter. What matters to me is that Supernatural, Dean Winchester and Jensen Ackles have made a difference in my life. More than words can express. I have so much love and respect for Jensen I cannot bear the thought of anyone doing anything to embarrass him. I hope the Comic Con goers will be respectful. He has his views and he's not stopping how you interpet the show.And he would surely be hurt by shippers being harassing or mean to fans who don't ship. This is a family. Jensen and Jared are the center. We need to be about giving them as much respect and love as they give us.That is so simple and so easy for me. Just something to think about. I'm done with my say now.
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
Dean Loves Sam
I can't sleep. It's late or early and all I can think about is Supernatural and what is going down between my boys/ It's been a hell of a road so far from "I'm proud of us" to "I think it should be you up there". The Mark of Cain and just all the collateral damage is what's making him say and do whatever is ahead. He isn't fully DEAN at the moment of he wouldn't say those things.Because at the very center of Dean Winchester's core, the main reason he's still living is SAM. Sam is the most important thing to him. Probably Sam is too important to him because most of the bad decisions he's made have been directly related to Sam and keeping Sam safe.It's who he is. The very fact that he would utter such words to his precious baby brother illustrates just how strongly the mark has taken hold. He wants so much to believe he can just live with the thing. He admitted to dark thoughts and violent urges last week. He's a very strong person. It's one of the reasons we love him, that ability to carry on, hold on to the hurt and get through.I have to hold on to his love for Sam if I am to believe he will be saved now or as Jensen said "down the line". I cried over that interview.I wanted him to tell me it would all be okay. But it's a Supernatural finale and I'm not that optimistic it can be a good thing. The last one nearly did me in. I know there are people who will say it's just a television show. But see, it's not. It's more than that. For me anyhow. It's a hero's journey. And the one part of the hero's journey that's hard is his down spiral into darkness. It's the test before the purification of the character. Dean's been tested and tortured but this is something else. This is can he survive becoming something else, making it back to his fully human self.Kind of like Anakin Skywalker , best of the best young Jedis becoming Darth Vader and finding his way back.(And no I'm not a major Star Wars scholar bit I've taught The Hero's Journey using Star Wars and Supernatural side by side.) How this will happen I don't know. Am I prepared for it? A resounding no. This show...it means more to me than almost anything else in my life. Besides my kids, right now it is my life.I am scared. And not afraid to admit it.Last year I missed all the spoilers of what was to come. I watched my hero die in his brother's arms and a part of me died too. I grieved for Dean Winchester on a level I can not put in words. I was so hopeful when he was "cured". I tweeted "DEAN WINCHESTER IS SAVED and God I wanted to believe he was. I still believe in him, still believe he will be. I have to. The one thing though that makes Dean Dean is that love for Sam. And it's there. I do not for a second believe he will kill Sam.He said "No. Never." to Cain. I believe in my heart of hears, Dean will tell Sam he loves him before this season is over, or at least show hm he does. I'm kinda afraid that "personal handwrittten note" Jensen was writing will say this to Sammy. And that scares me. It scares me so bad I don't want to not watch and yet I have to. I'm worried the fandom will divide on what Dean says and oh- Sam-deserves -it. I think it;s just better if we just remember this is the epic love story of Sam and Dean an try to love and support each other through it. To quote Dean, "Hell if this ain't whatever". I believe in my heart of hearts what he said to his brother at the church. There is nothing past or present that I would put before you. he's lived thirty two years for that. For loving Sam, taking care of him.Sam is his mission. His journey will always lead back to Sam. One way or another. There ain't no me if there ain't no you. It's still true. On both sides. I keep holding on to what Jared said at VegasCon 2013 "they love each other the same". I'm sad and maybe disappointed he let those cruel words of anger slip out to his brother but I can't fault him. He's not fully himself. God help us tonight and next week. But hang onto the love between these two. It can never be conquered.
Thursday, May 7, 2015
Barely Holding On
I just came down from an adrenaline rush from an argument I got myself into with someone on Twitter who I had an opposite opinion with. My timeline is full today with hate regarding the death of Charlie. Now here's my take on Charlie. She's a well written, well developed, well acted character that has been a good friend to the boys. I liked Charlie. I didn't love her more than any other "family" member the Winchesters have had. I realize they care for her. I am the only person I know in the fandom I think who isn't mourning her today. It was sad, unexpected...really good , suspense filled writing. My heart broke for the boys. It really did.
I got myself in a thing on Twitter with someone who was discussing the sexual politics of Supernatural. I'm not homophobic, racist or supporting misogamy. Far from it. I have tried to raise my children to be free from prejudices. First off, I don't believe Supernatural espouses any of these. I don't think the boys are hateful to women....witches I will give you...vampires yes but they have also showed mercy to several women monsters. I think with the exception of Demon Dean and what's-her-name (I can't recall) the waitress, Dean has always been considerate and appreciative to his lovers and even just women they casually encounter. Cutting Sam some grace on the soulless thing, he is also very sweet to his GFs and even stops Dean being mean to female monsters. Rowena , let's face it is a bitch of a witch. She's played well too btw. So I'll give him grace on that too. And he hasn't hurt her. Just yelled a little. There was a list of women who'd died and I simply said, I didn't miss them. I don't need them. They served a purpose and they are gone. You can'y keep fifty characters around for a decade. Some of them have to go. Here's the thing. I don't watch the show for the "strong female" characters. I like how they are written and acted. Love Jody Mills for instance. But I watch for my men. My very manly, very often violent by nature of the job and the SL, men. Shoot me. I don't want them having wives and kids to come home to. I adore that Jensen and Jared do have that. But for Sam and Dean it would take away from their own relationship and has. You have to remember that these guys grew up devoid of a woman's influence and touch in their lives. So they lack real skill in something to mirror a real relationship by. Dad wasn't giving it to them. But they are respectful of women. So my thing....I guess I was saying unsuccessfully that I and probably lots of others don't watch television for the feminist or sexual stands they make. I don't "ship" anyone. I watch because it's a good story. Does say TVD make any stand on any of these things? Does The Walking Dead? Did Superman? Not that I've noticed and while I have seen The Walking Dead and Superman, I haven't TVD so don't get me if I missed something there.
I am very protective of the show, especially of Dean but also of Sam. Honestly, this show has totally changed my life. At this moment in my life, I have given up every single thing that makes me me...my home, my job, my independence to take care of my mother who has Stage 4 cancer. The only part of what's essentially Angie that I have here with me is Supernatural. Lots of people, including a few of my friends and my own beautiful daughter have shared with y'all and Jared and Jensen about their battles with depression. Mine was not so much my own battle but watching loved ones. I had a bipolar husband who ultimately committed suicide. I have watched my very brave children work through that and come out on the good side. I found Supernatural as a single mom who was teaching emotional behavior disordered students and trying to live up to really hard expectations of what others wanted me to be. I had a mountain of responsibility and no one to really lean on. No one to look to for example. Enter Dean Winchester. He was brave, he had struggled and was struggling with his own baggage. He was also beautiful, extremely kind and loving to his family. He became my hero. Having that weekly thing to look forward to, knowing I identified so much with, being able to share it with my Sam girl daughter, meeting really good friends in the fandom. It means the world to me. It's my safe harbor. When my hero died last year, it was really hard. It was like real death of my loved one. I love Dean. He is real to me. The closest I have come to allowing myself to be depressed is the summer Dean died. I cried for like the first three days. I think in mourning for him I also grieved for the other things I hadn't allowed myself to.
But back to the here and now. I actually don't want to be here. Of course I don't want my mom to have cancer. I don't want to feel like I do...trapped almost, without any real dreams of a future for myself at this point. But It's family. You do what you have to. Even when it's hard. A lesson I learned from the Winchesters but also from the rest of my life. I don't do things quite the way my mom would always like them done. I get criticized a lot by other family members who really aren't even helping at all. And right now, my safe haven is threatened. My hero and his brother are in a down spiral. I'm terrified of losing Dean again. Afraid for Sam. The winding down of the season is becoming my breaking point. I'm holding on for them. Hoping for the best but preparing for the worst...whatever that is. Things are bad in Winchester world. And gaining in intensity everyday in my real world. I don't say this for sympathy. I'll muddle through just like I always do. I'm just saying I'm barely holding on most days and if I offended anyone on Twitter I'm sorry. I'm not engaging in battle anymore for quite a while I think. I watch Supernatural for my boys, for my hero.I don't want to fight with anyone. So, I'm sorry. Here's my olive branch. I think, I hope I'm an intelligent person who has good things to say. I try NOT to dwell in negativity but everyone can have a bad day at Blackrock.
I got myself in a thing on Twitter with someone who was discussing the sexual politics of Supernatural. I'm not homophobic, racist or supporting misogamy. Far from it. I have tried to raise my children to be free from prejudices. First off, I don't believe Supernatural espouses any of these. I don't think the boys are hateful to women....witches I will give you...vampires yes but they have also showed mercy to several women monsters. I think with the exception of Demon Dean and what's-her-name (I can't recall) the waitress, Dean has always been considerate and appreciative to his lovers and even just women they casually encounter. Cutting Sam some grace on the soulless thing, he is also very sweet to his GFs and even stops Dean being mean to female monsters. Rowena , let's face it is a bitch of a witch. She's played well too btw. So I'll give him grace on that too. And he hasn't hurt her. Just yelled a little. There was a list of women who'd died and I simply said, I didn't miss them. I don't need them. They served a purpose and they are gone. You can'y keep fifty characters around for a decade. Some of them have to go. Here's the thing. I don't watch the show for the "strong female" characters. I like how they are written and acted. Love Jody Mills for instance. But I watch for my men. My very manly, very often violent by nature of the job and the SL, men. Shoot me. I don't want them having wives and kids to come home to. I adore that Jensen and Jared do have that. But for Sam and Dean it would take away from their own relationship and has. You have to remember that these guys grew up devoid of a woman's influence and touch in their lives. So they lack real skill in something to mirror a real relationship by. Dad wasn't giving it to them. But they are respectful of women. So my thing....I guess I was saying unsuccessfully that I and probably lots of others don't watch television for the feminist or sexual stands they make. I don't "ship" anyone. I watch because it's a good story. Does say TVD make any stand on any of these things? Does The Walking Dead? Did Superman? Not that I've noticed and while I have seen The Walking Dead and Superman, I haven't TVD so don't get me if I missed something there.
I am very protective of the show, especially of Dean but also of Sam. Honestly, this show has totally changed my life. At this moment in my life, I have given up every single thing that makes me me...my home, my job, my independence to take care of my mother who has Stage 4 cancer. The only part of what's essentially Angie that I have here with me is Supernatural. Lots of people, including a few of my friends and my own beautiful daughter have shared with y'all and Jared and Jensen about their battles with depression. Mine was not so much my own battle but watching loved ones. I had a bipolar husband who ultimately committed suicide. I have watched my very brave children work through that and come out on the good side. I found Supernatural as a single mom who was teaching emotional behavior disordered students and trying to live up to really hard expectations of what others wanted me to be. I had a mountain of responsibility and no one to really lean on. No one to look to for example. Enter Dean Winchester. He was brave, he had struggled and was struggling with his own baggage. He was also beautiful, extremely kind and loving to his family. He became my hero. Having that weekly thing to look forward to, knowing I identified so much with, being able to share it with my Sam girl daughter, meeting really good friends in the fandom. It means the world to me. It's my safe harbor. When my hero died last year, it was really hard. It was like real death of my loved one. I love Dean. He is real to me. The closest I have come to allowing myself to be depressed is the summer Dean died. I cried for like the first three days. I think in mourning for him I also grieved for the other things I hadn't allowed myself to.
But back to the here and now. I actually don't want to be here. Of course I don't want my mom to have cancer. I don't want to feel like I do...trapped almost, without any real dreams of a future for myself at this point. But It's family. You do what you have to. Even when it's hard. A lesson I learned from the Winchesters but also from the rest of my life. I don't do things quite the way my mom would always like them done. I get criticized a lot by other family members who really aren't even helping at all. And right now, my safe haven is threatened. My hero and his brother are in a down spiral. I'm terrified of losing Dean again. Afraid for Sam. The winding down of the season is becoming my breaking point. I'm holding on for them. Hoping for the best but preparing for the worst...whatever that is. Things are bad in Winchester world. And gaining in intensity everyday in my real world. I don't say this for sympathy. I'll muddle through just like I always do. I'm just saying I'm barely holding on most days and if I offended anyone on Twitter I'm sorry. I'm not engaging in battle anymore for quite a while I think. I watch Supernatural for my boys, for my hero.I don't want to fight with anyone. So, I'm sorry. Here's my olive branch. I think, I hope I'm an intelligent person who has good things to say. I try NOT to dwell in negativity but everyone can have a bad day at Blackrock.
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