My Hero's Name is Jensen

    I am writing this from my heart. It's been weighing on me ever since yesterday at ComicCon. Some people won't agree and that's okay. These are my thoughts and feelings and observations and I would never expect anyone to always agree with me. That's what makes the world, and our Supernatural fandom so special.I was told recently by my dear friend Amy to never apologize for having an opinion or loving our show. So I'm not. It's just a warning that it may not be the most popular opinion.

     It concerns Jensen. Big surprise right? Let me first say the tribute to Jared and Always Keep Fighting was very nice and he was so touched. It meant a lot and I applaud the fans who put it together. It took a ton of work and your dedication is amazing. So is the love behind the gesture.I have issue that all the tributes to the Always Keep Fighting Campaign are only to Jared. As I recall the boys are a partnership. Moose and Squirrel together. I know Jared had a rough time this summer and I don't discount that. I was one of the first people to respond to his pleas for love. I love Jared very much so no one needs to go there. But let's not forget who carried on in the summer cons, trying his hardest to make sure he gave disappointed fans a great experience. He did not only his own photos and autos and panels but filled in the gaps for his missing best friend. He seemed all but exhausted himself when he returned.

  Then there was this:


And I was more touched then I can ever express. See I was this fan. Not so little or precious but I was so overwhelmed at meeting him in 2013 at VegasCon I lost it. Crying and unable to speak. At all. The handlers and the people in line behind me were more than a little annoyed but this guy held on to me and whispered reassurances and refused to let me be moved along or made to wait. That sweet look in his eyes? Yep. I've seen it. Just like that. It's real.

    Jensen is way more quiet than Jared, Misha and Mark. He maintains his emotions really well. He's not as much of a cryer. Thank goodness with fans like me out there! He's uncomfortable being the center of attention and I suspect even if he doesn't say it, he hates to feel he disappointed anyone either. He's truly the big brother of the cast. He's the one who is always there for the others, he praises them and thanks them and showcases their talent. He epitomizes the words brother and family. He gets a great deal of praise for being pretty and God is he ever!! But here's the thing, his heart is every bit as big, as caring as the others: for us, for excellent causes, for making the  world a better place. I think my fear is that he is the Dean character here too. Doing what he does because he loves everyone but rarely getting the recognition. He's beautiful inside and out. I know you know this. And I am not diminishing what Jared has done and shared in any way. It takes courage to speak out and to say I struggle with this. I don't know if Jensen has , he's never said except that season 9 was really hard and he was "in a dark place". He was like Dean I think and just pushed through it. He is the poster child for humility. This is a man who despite fans telling him otherwise still can't believe he has musical ability . He is totally unaware of his exceptional good looks or amazing talent. He is a fabulous example of a husband and father.He is the unsung hero, the one who gives the best he has to offer all the time and never thinks of himself first. This is rare and precious and should be celebrated.

   So where am I going? This is a partnership. Everyone says it's all about the brothers. Well, that's plural. I hope in the future that if tributes to Always Keep Fighting are done at cons it's to both of them. Jensen is deserving of just as many thanks for saving my life tributes as his adorable costar and buddy. He and Dean saved me.I don't have that dramatic a story and I wont bore you with it.All  I know is this show, this man and this family have put more happiness in my life than I can ever tell you.

    Again, Jared deserves the tribute, He deserves a high five for admitting he needed a break this summer.And for getting himself back to where he is, rested, happy and ready for season 11. All I'm saying is, there should be just as many rounds of applause for 'the smart little squirrel" that took care of him and all of us. Yes, I love him. I all but worship the guy but he's my hero for all the right reasons. Won't you join me in sending him a little thank you?

Respecting Jensen

   It's been a hard summer and I haven't written anything in a good while. I am sort of replying to something I saw on repeatedly on my Twitter TL yesterday. It involved  the "nomination" of Jensen and Misha as best tv chemistry for the TCAs. Okay I get it. Fans seem obsessed with the guys and the show winning awards. Any awards. Hardly a day goes by I am not bombarded with a dozen people asking me to vote for the boys for something.I absolutely feel they are worthy of every award out there. The PCAs and TCAs though are not truly awards. They are the result of fans spending hours clicking VOTE on their computer and phone screens. They are not judged critically like the Emmys or the Oscars(and for the record...you can't win an Oscar for tv y'all. It's for movies.Sorry had to.) and therefore they are manipulated by fans. That's why shows like Beauty and the Beast which is not on any level as good as Supernatural win them. Which brings me to the where I started. Jensen and Misha have been nominated for Destiel. It's being called chemistry but it's being hashtagged as Destiel. I realize some fans ship Dean and Cas. I try to be open minded and say if they ship that then go ahead. And it's really fine if you watch it and talk about with your friends and read and write fan fiction about it. If that's where it ends. If it's fun for you in your own belief, your own way of watching the show, our take on the relationships. The problem comes in in the way fans try to make it everyone's belief. First off, Destiel is not canon.And no amount of shippers trying to make it canon will change that.No amount of writer and show runner bashing will make it so.There are many problems with Destiel as canon that I doubt shippers really think about in their zeal to convince us they are right. Now before I delve into that let me say I am NOT homophobic. I have many very close gay friends. I don't judge. I supported the gay marriage bill and cried over the recent decision. It isn't about me or anyone else being homophobic if we don't ship.So don't go there. I am not trying to engage in a debate over the moral issues.

   Okay, Destiel poses several problems to the the story line.It's been established several times that the boys cannot be entangled in personal relationships beyond themselves.No romantic relationship has lasted. It hinders the job and the lifestyle is too hard. Some will argue that Cas understands.He does but he understands as an angel. Yes he's been human but he as Cas has never been in a "domestic" relationship.Let's say Dean and Cas become romantically involved, how does that impact the brother relationship? When they are home, Dean and Cas say goodnight and go to Dean's room? They have secret encounters outside in Baby? On the road Sam becomes a third wheel? It reduces the brother relationship. Do they all three share a room or do they now need to get two? Or, does Cas become a stay at home angel baking cookies? I sound sarcastic but you have to consider what alterations to the essential relationship of the brothers. Then there's the one thing no one ever considers. The boys have ended all of their other relationships. So eventually Cas will either have to go or be killed never to return. Is that what shippers want? No more Cas? As a friend and ally to both he is essential to the story. As a paramour of one, he becomes an accessory you can delete from the equation. Dean will always choose his brother. He sent Cas away when Gadreel told him to. He would do it again.

   That aside, Jensen is uncomfortable with Destiel. Time and again he has avoided answering questions about it. And he isn't homophobic either. He has supported his aunt and he partner openly.But he has played Dean straight for a decade and to change that alters who Dean is and changes the show. I and many other fans are personally offended by the recent Astroglide campaign and the "give him a tube of lube" at ComicCon to "celebrate" the Destiel nomination. It's too graphic and too crude and frankly it's disrespectful to an actor who has given more to fans than most actors will ever do. Why if you care about Jensen or love Dean as the character we know would you seek to make him feel awkward or uncomfortable in public? Jensen sees Cas as Dean's closest friend outside of Sam. He's also very respectful of the angel status, even tho he is wary of angels and questions God's role in his life, Dean wants to believe in these things and so Cas represents a higher place and being to Dean. He loves Cas but he isn't attracted to him. Jensen says, "...they are kindred spirits, they have a strong friendship". And that's where it ends. To change that changes the very face of the show as we know it.

   I may offend others by pointing this out, may lose folowers and that doesn't matter. What matters to me is that Supernatural, Dean Winchester and Jensen Ackles have made a difference in my life. More than words can express. I have so much love and respect for Jensen I cannot bear the thought of anyone doing anything to embarrass him. I hope the Comic Con goers will be respectful. He has his views and he's not stopping how you interpet the show.And he would surely be hurt by shippers being harassing or mean to fans who don't ship. This is a family. Jensen and Jared are the center. We need to be about giving them as much respect and love as they give us.That is so simple and so easy for me. Just something to think about. I'm done with my say now.

Dean Loves Sam

I can't sleep. It's late or early and all I can think about is Supernatural and what is going down between my boys/ It's been a hell of a road so far from "I'm proud of us" to "I think it should be you up there". The Mark of Cain and just all the collateral damage is what's making him say and do whatever is ahead. He isn't fully DEAN at the moment of he wouldn't say those things.Because at the very center of Dean Winchester's core, the main reason he's still living is SAM. Sam is the most important thing to him. Probably Sam is too important to him because most of the bad decisions he's made have been directly related to Sam and keeping Sam safe.It's who he is. The very fact that he would utter such words to his precious baby brother illustrates just how strongly the mark has taken hold. He wants so much to believe he can just live with the thing. He admitted to dark thoughts and violent urges last week. He's a very strong person. It's one of the reasons we love him, that ability to carry on, hold on to the hurt and get through.I have to hold on to his love for Sam if I am to believe he will be saved now or as Jensen said "down the line". I cried over that interview.I wanted him to tell me it would all be okay. But it's a Supernatural finale and I'm not that optimistic it can be a good thing. The last one nearly did me in. I know there are people who will say it's just a television show. But see, it's not. It's more than that. For me anyhow. It's a hero's journey. And the one part of the hero's journey that's hard is his down spiral into darkness. It's the test before the purification of the character. Dean's been tested and tortured but this is something else. This is can he survive becoming something else, making it back to his fully human self.Kind of like Anakin Skywalker , best of the best young Jedis becoming Darth Vader and finding his way back.(And no I'm not a major Star Wars scholar bit I've taught The Hero's Journey using Star Wars and Supernatural side by side.) How this will happen I don't know. Am I prepared for it? A resounding no. This show...it means more to me than almost anything else in my life. Besides my kids, right now it is my life.I am scared. And not afraid to admit it.Last year I missed all the spoilers  of what was to come. I watched my hero die in his brother's arms and a part of me died too. I grieved for Dean Winchester on a level I can not put in words. I was so hopeful when he was "cured". I tweeted "DEAN WINCHESTER IS SAVED and God I wanted to believe he was. I still believe in him, still believe he will be. I have to. The one thing though that makes Dean Dean is that love for Sam. And it's there. I do not for a second believe he will kill Sam.He said "No. Never." to Cain.  I believe in my heart of hears, Dean will tell Sam he loves him before this season is over, or at least show hm he does. I'm kinda afraid that "personal handwrittten note" Jensen was writing will say this to Sammy. And that scares me. It scares me so bad I don't want to not watch and yet I have to. I'm worried the fandom will divide on what Dean says and oh- Sam-deserves -it. I think it;s just better if we just remember this is the epic love story of Sam and Dean an try to love and support each other through it. To quote Dean, "Hell if this ain't whatever". I believe in my heart of hearts what he said to his brother at the church. There is nothing past or present that I would put before you. he's lived thirty two years for that. For loving Sam, taking care of him.Sam is his mission. His journey will always lead back to Sam. One way or another. There ain't no me if there ain't no you. It's still true. On both sides. I keep holding on to what Jared said at VegasCon 2013 "they love each other the same". I'm sad and maybe disappointed he let those cruel words of anger slip out to his brother but I can't fault him. He's not fully himself. God help us tonight and next week. But hang onto the love between these two. It can never be conquered.

Barely Holding On

       I just came down from an adrenaline rush from an argument I got myself into with someone on Twitter who I had an opposite opinion with. My timeline is full today with hate regarding the death of Charlie. Now here's my take on Charlie. She's a well written, well developed, well acted character that has been a good friend to the boys. I liked Charlie. I didn't love her more than any other "family" member the Winchesters have had. I realize they care for her. I am the only person I know in the fandom I think who isn't mourning her today. It was sad, unexpected...really good , suspense filled writing. My heart broke for the boys. It really did.
     I got myself in a thing on Twitter with someone who was discussing the sexual politics of Supernatural. I'm not homophobic, racist or supporting misogamy. Far from it. I have tried to raise my children to be free from prejudices. First off, I don't believe Supernatural espouses any of these. I don't think the boys are hateful to women....witches I will give you...vampires yes but they have also showed mercy to several women monsters. I think with the exception of Demon Dean and what's-her-name (I can't recall) the waitress, Dean has always been considerate and appreciative to his lovers and even just women they casually encounter. Cutting Sam some grace on the soulless thing, he is also very sweet to his GFs and even stops Dean being mean to female monsters. Rowena , let's face it is a bitch of a witch. She's played well too btw. So I'll give him grace on that too. And he hasn't hurt her. Just yelled a little. There was a list of women who'd died and I simply said, I didn't miss them. I don't need them. They served a purpose and they are gone. You can'y keep fifty characters around for a decade. Some of them have to go. Here's the thing. I don't watch the show for the "strong female" characters. I like how they are written and acted. Love Jody Mills for instance. But I watch for my men. My very manly, very often violent by nature of the job and the SL, men. Shoot me. I don't want them having wives and kids to come home to. I adore that Jensen and Jared do have that. But for Sam and Dean it would take away from their own relationship and has. You have to remember that these guys grew up devoid of a woman's influence and touch in their lives. So they lack real skill in something to mirror a real relationship by. Dad wasn't giving it to them. But they are respectful of women. So my thing....I guess  I was saying unsuccessfully that I and probably lots of others don't watch television for the feminist or sexual stands they make. I don't "ship" anyone. I  watch because it's a good story. Does say TVD make any stand on any of these things? Does The Walking Dead? Did Superman? Not that I've noticed and while I have seen The Walking Dead and Superman, I haven't TVD so don't get me if I missed something there.
     I am very protective of the show, especially of Dean but also of Sam. Honestly, this show has totally changed my life. At this moment in my life, I have given up every single thing that makes me me...my home, my job, my independence to take care of my mother who has Stage 4 cancer. The only part of what's essentially Angie that I have here with me is Supernatural. Lots of people, including a few of my friends and my own beautiful daughter have shared with y'all and Jared and Jensen about their battles with depression. Mine was not so much my own battle but watching loved ones. I had a bipolar husband who ultimately committed suicide. I have watched my very brave children work through that and come out on the good side. I found Supernatural as a single mom who was teaching emotional behavior disordered students and trying to live up to really hard expectations of what others wanted me to be. I had a mountain of responsibility and no one to really lean on. No one to look to for example. Enter Dean Winchester. He was brave, he had struggled and was struggling with his own baggage. He was also beautiful, extremely kind and loving to his family. He became my hero. Having that weekly thing to look forward to, knowing I identified so much with, being able to share it with my Sam girl daughter, meeting really good friends in the fandom. It means the world to me. It's my safe harbor. When my hero died last year, it was really hard. It was like real death of my loved one. I love Dean. He is real to me. The closest I have come to allowing myself to be depressed is the summer Dean died. I cried for like the first three days. I think in mourning for him I also grieved for the other things I hadn't allowed myself to.
   But back to the here and now. I actually don't want to be here. Of course I don't want my mom to have cancer. I don't want to feel like I do...trapped almost, without any real dreams of a future for myself at this point. But It's family. You do what you have to. Even when it's hard. A lesson I learned from the Winchesters but also from the rest of my life. I don't do things quite the way my mom would always like them done. I get criticized a lot by other family members who really aren't even helping at all. And right now, my safe haven is threatened. My hero and his brother are in a down spiral. I'm terrified of losing Dean again. Afraid for Sam. The winding down of the season is becoming my breaking point. I'm holding on for them. Hoping for the best but preparing for the worst...whatever that is. Things are bad in Winchester world. And gaining in intensity everyday in my real world. I don't say this for sympathy. I'll muddle through just like I always do. I'm just saying I'm barely holding on most days and if I offended anyone on Twitter I'm sorry. I'm not engaging in battle anymore for quite a while I think. I watch Supernatural for my boys, for my hero.I don't want to fight with anyone.  So, I'm sorry. Here's my olive branch. I think, I hope I'm an intelligent person who has good things to say. I try NOT to dwell in negativity but everyone can have a bad day at Blackrock.

FanGirling Over the Writers...and Misha (and of course Those fabulous Brothers!)

I woke up to my TL full of hate for last night's episode. I was
a little confused because even tho I wasn't ever a  big
Claire fan I found myself loving this episode. What's
NOT to love watching Dean Winchester play mini golf?
That aside I think I understand that people are upset to
upset that Dean said Cas saved the world? I am sure since
Robbie tweeted it was so that it was implied he helped to save it.
After all, we all know the Apocalypse was stopped by
"two boys, a fallen angel and an old drunk." Sam was the
one who made the sacrifice but they all helped. What I
find the most disturbing is that I keep reading comments about
Misha's acting being terrible. Now if you don't like a
character you can say I don't like Cas or John or whoever.
But to say something about a person that's so openly eide
and hurtful is wrong. Misha is a talented actor
And a very decent human being who has overcome a
great many obstacles other people wouldn't have been as
successful or as giving after. Then there's the ugly tweets to Robbie.
Robbie is a great writer who has been involved in the show
for a long time.  I've tried to be nice here but seriously?
Fans are NOT writers. They do NOT decide what's canon or
what gets written. Mean tweeting to the writers will NOT get you
what you want whether it's Destiel or more of an arc for Sam or
Dean or whatever. What it WILL do sooner or later
is our writers will leave social media and we will be like
any other show that gets no information from anyone. Do we want that? I don't.

Y'all haters pushed Adam away last year.Robbie was really classy
last nite about the hate. When you have a show that's lasted
as long as Supernatural, there will be little things
that don't always line up. In In the Beginning John was a mechanic from a family of mechanics and was told to say hi to his dad.Now I doubt very seriously in his wildest of dreams that bookish, adorable, MOL
Henry Winchester was a mechanic but no one screams Men of Letters aren't canon.
(I fix that in my mind by saying Milly must have remarried.)
As for more of a story for Sam..well I think y'all are getting it. And don't go
accusing me of not loving SAM because I do. And for the record
I don't like Demon Dean but it's part of the show and I am still
100% behind the writers. I think what people are missing here
from last night is that Dean was giving Claire something good
to hold on to. Which is very Dean. Thus very canon.  And let us not
forget the boys do love Cas. I was  blocked and hated on Twitter
once for saying this but it's true. Dean is the one who first called Cas
"family". If  Dean Winchester says it, it's canon enough for me.
Dean and Sam ARE the main relationship for each other but both
have deeply loved others. They will always choose each other so no one needs to worry.

I guess my point is as I have said before, watch it and be okay with it or...don't. If you want it changed to your head canon, write fan fic peeps.Lots of people, including me on occasion do. I think our writers, directors, producers and Jeremy deserve our utmost love and appreciation. THEY give us this wonderful experience known as Supernatural and have for a whole decade. We are the longest running Sci-Fi show ever and yes those boys are amazing actors but Dean and Sam are written for them by these writers. I personally want to go on record as fangirling over the production staff, especially the writers, the producers and Mr. Carver. And while I'm so much a Dean girl it's totes cray-cray to those around me, accolades to Misha. Because I love me some Team Free Will. I do.Remember y'all if the pretty boy angel hadn't raised him from Perdition, Sam would be lost, alone and have become God knows what and Dean, my precious baby would still be torturing souls in Hell. I'm pretty sure most of us don't want that to have been where it ended.the
 So thanks Robbie, Adam, all the other writers,Jeremy, Bob Singer and Jim Michaels and the production folks I can't name. You make my life just a little better by giving me the Winchesters.

Crushing Hate

   Okay. I love social media, particularly Twitter. I use it to communicate with friends, find out fandom facts and yes, to see pictures of J2 and their families. But there are pictures it's okay to see and pictures there aren't. Pictures you  go up to them and ask politely for are one thng, pictures they share are also great, pictures from a con you're at...awesome. But pictures you take paparazzi style in church, at playgrounds, restaurants and yes in funerals are not for public consumption. These are beautiful people who we all want to see. Ain't gonna lie y'all. The picture of the Ackles on Easter leaving church was precious. I saw it. Yes I looked at it. I didn't retweet it and I would never have taken or posted it. A new low to me tho is taking pictures at a funeral. I realize this girl was young and excited. I really fault the parent who took 30 pictures and sent them to her, making her think it was alright to post it. In the South we would would say that's not raising her right. I do not excuse others who used the pictures and weren't able to claim being a teenager as an excuse. I really feel that since Jensen and Danneel are such private people we as fans should respect that. He asked before JJ was born for us to be respectful and sensitive about pictures. They are generous to share often and so are Jared and Gen. 
    Which brings me to another subject I won't be as sweetly "southern" about. Hating on someone's baby is just wrong. Anyway you look at it. If you dare to do this you are NOT a fan. You are just an evil person. First off, that baby is gorgeous. She looks like her beautiful parents.So much like her daddy! She's a baby. Not even two yet and someone has the audacity to say things like about her that are so hateful?.  What the hell is wrong with someone if they would actually tag the child's parents with this crap? I woke up and saw all this. I do not know how it got on my TL...retweets and requests to block I suppose. I did block and report it. I literally broke down and cried over it. I hope other fans did too. The so called SPNantibullying account actually said PLEASE to these people about tagging the Ackles? How does that help? They are pretty much in my opinion allowing it to go on by doing this.You can't give these people an inch. Then they send out a plea to send positivity to Jensen and Danneel. Which I support.But how about a firm you are a hater, we are reporting you and asking fans to block you. They don't deserve our niceness. Or our asking them for anything.No second chances. Our boys and their beautiful families do not deserve any of this hate. I chalk it up to these people being jealous. That girl hating on Danneel a little while back saying Jensen needed some one as nice as her? Umm. No. If you hate on his girls, you don't deserve to lick his boots. I worship the ground this man walks on. I've never made a secret of my love for him and the character he plays. I hope that everyone out there who claims to be his fan wants him to be happy, to have his beautiful little family, that he keeps on sharing with us. The fact of the matter is he avoided Twitter etc for so long because of crap like this. Who would blame him if he just decided it wasn't worth it? There are people out there who are mean. Just plain mean. I've decided they are just unhappy with themselves and want everyone else unhappy too. Most of the fans are 100% supportive and the boys know this or they wouldn't give up 13 weekends a year away from their wives and kids to go to cons and be with us. I believe in the fandom as a whole. I do. I sincerely hope you will send them love today. Don't mention the hater. Just surround them with voices that say You're the best. Because they are. We are so lucky people. No other show out there has stars that care so much. Especially not the main characters. Have you considered that every single star that has been on the stage at a con says this is a family? EVERY SINGLE ONE. You don't treat your family bad. We can crush the hate . It's easy. Love our boys and their families today y'all. It'll make your Monday and theirs better.