Day 86

It's been 86 days since my fictional boyfriend died. I still feel the loss. I rewatched  Blade Runners this week and I cried. What has happened to that cocky sweet boy who loved his father, his brother, his car , burgers and pie? Why did life have to treat him so harshly? All he wanted was a home, a mom, a nice girl to love and kids of his own. Instead he lived 30 years in crappy motels and his beloved car, lost every person he ever loved and survived more injuries than any person should have to. And yet he still hung on. He still felt he did more good than bad and he still would do anything to save his brother. He rid the world of countless things of evil, saved the planet once or twice and with little or no thanks form heaven or hell. Sometimes with no thanks from the people he loved the most. He did love and deeply. He shied away from "chick flick" moments and yet he cried and touched and hugged and was  not ashamed when it happened. He literally spent his life taking care of his little brother.So why would a boy like that deserve to die so brutally? He didn't. The fact that his last words were to praise his brother and admit his own worth is almost more than I can bear. I know he'll be back. Somehow a boy like that with a brother like the one he raised will be saved.It has to happen. I am counting down the days.I will embrace the Demon Dean story. It's Dean, and he's still somewhere. But the day I will celebrate is the one where I can tweet Dean Winchester is saved...again! I miss my boy. I miss that smile and the dreamy sweet look in his eyes. It's been a hard year plus 86 days for me and my guy. But I/m holding on. Until we see this Dean again: