Explaining My Deanmon Feelings

I am trying to sort out my feelings about Demon Dean. First let me say: It's a fantastic storyline. Kudos to the writers. It's compelling and new and Jensen is ROCKING the part!! If the man doesn't get a PCA for Demon Dean....well whats's the matter with tv viewers? I am am amazed at his acting ability all over again. The chemistry with Sam and Crowley are brilliant. His sinister smile is disturbingly hot, But this has been difficult for me.I love that Jensen is having the opportunity. I am 200% behind the SL, the show and the writers. I AM. This show constantly surprises me and I will never EVER stop watching. Here's the conclusion  I have come to. I love Demon Dean because he's .Dean (and Jensen), I feel sometimes like I have to defend my sadness over not having MY Dean back. I know everyone wants him back. I cannot express what Dean dying and becoming a demon did to me. I had a really hard time. It took me all of Hellatus to rewatch Do You Believe In Miracles? I reacted very badly to black eyes pictures on social media. I cried more than I am willing to admit. I cried after the premier and I cried a lot on Tuesday night. I just miss him . I don't want him to be 26 year old Dean. I want him to grow as a character, I want him to change and experience and become. It's what makes him interesting. My besties and most of my Twitter followers are super loving the Deanmon. I AM TOO. But it hurts to watch. Like physically. So I've decide not to fight my feelings. That's what they are. They aren't right or wrong its just how I feel...lost without him. Sad at seeing him not love his brother or his Baby. I want him back.I really need that. I need him being Dean. For Sam For the Supernatural world, but also for me. I feel like something's missing from my reality all the time since he's gone. yes I know he's fictional. If I sound crazy so be it .I gave up being closeted about my Dean thing a long time ago. So I have enjoyed watching what the writers and Jensen have done. They are beyond even their best in the past, I just can't wait until he is back.I need that. I love Dean Winchester no matter what form he's in. But my favorite is Sam Winchester's big brother. Holding on baby...