Dean Loves Sam

I can't sleep. It's late or early and all I can think about is Supernatural and what is going down between my boys/ It's been a hell of a road so far from "I'm proud of us" to "I think it should be you up there". The Mark of Cain and just all the collateral damage is what's making him say and do whatever is ahead. He isn't fully DEAN at the moment of he wouldn't say those things.Because at the very center of Dean Winchester's core, the main reason he's still living is SAM. Sam is the most important thing to him. Probably Sam is too important to him because most of the bad decisions he's made have been directly related to Sam and keeping Sam safe.It's who he is. The very fact that he would utter such words to his precious baby brother illustrates just how strongly the mark has taken hold. He wants so much to believe he can just live with the thing. He admitted to dark thoughts and violent urges last week. He's a very strong person. It's one of the reasons we love him, that ability to carry on, hold on to the hurt and get through.I have to hold on to his love for Sam if I am to believe he will be saved now or as Jensen said "down the line". I cried over that interview.I wanted him to tell me it would all be okay. But it's a Supernatural finale and I'm not that optimistic it can be a good thing. The last one nearly did me in. I know there are people who will say it's just a television show. But see, it's not. It's more than that. For me anyhow. It's a hero's journey. And the one part of the hero's journey that's hard is his down spiral into darkness. It's the test before the purification of the character. Dean's been tested and tortured but this is something else. This is can he survive becoming something else, making it back to his fully human self.Kind of like Anakin Skywalker , best of the best young Jedis becoming Darth Vader and finding his way back.(And no I'm not a major Star Wars scholar bit I've taught The Hero's Journey using Star Wars and Supernatural side by side.) How this will happen I don't know. Am I prepared for it? A resounding no. This show...it means more to me than almost anything else in my life. Besides my kids, right now it is my life.I am scared. And not afraid to admit it.Last year I missed all the spoilers  of what was to come. I watched my hero die in his brother's arms and a part of me died too. I grieved for Dean Winchester on a level I can not put in words. I was so hopeful when he was "cured". I tweeted "DEAN WINCHESTER IS SAVED and God I wanted to believe he was. I still believe in him, still believe he will be. I have to. The one thing though that makes Dean Dean is that love for Sam. And it's there. I do not for a second believe he will kill Sam.He said "No. Never." to Cain.  I believe in my heart of hears, Dean will tell Sam he loves him before this season is over, or at least show hm he does. I'm kinda afraid that "personal handwrittten note" Jensen was writing will say this to Sammy. And that scares me. It scares me so bad I don't want to not watch and yet I have to. I'm worried the fandom will divide on what Dean says and oh- Sam-deserves -it. I think it;s just better if we just remember this is the epic love story of Sam and Dean an try to love and support each other through it. To quote Dean, "Hell if this ain't whatever". I believe in my heart of hearts what he said to his brother at the church. There is nothing past or present that I would put before you. he's lived thirty two years for that. For loving Sam, taking care of him.Sam is his mission. His journey will always lead back to Sam. One way or another. There ain't no me if there ain't no you. It's still true. On both sides. I keep holding on to what Jared said at VegasCon 2013 "they love each other the same". I'm sad and maybe disappointed he let those cruel words of anger slip out to his brother but I can't fault him. He's not fully himself. God help us tonight and next week. But hang onto the love between these two. It can never be conquered.