Hellatus Thoughts

Last week the unthinkable happened
Dean Winchester died in his brother's arms after being brutally stabbed by
being brutally stabbed by Metatron. Before he died our hero
said to Sam "I'm proud of us" . I ain't gonna lie
folks.  That episode did me in. I was simply not
okay. I felt in those last five minutes that I had
really lost someone I loved. And I have.  I lost
Dean Winchester. My hero. The cocky boy who
drives a hot car and saves the world. The sweet
big brother who would move heaven and hell
to save his brother. The man who doesn't realize
that in saving Sammy and the world, he saved ME
So where do I go from here? Because the fictional love of
my life is dead and reborn as a demon. I am truly grieving
as in real grief. I am crying and losing sleep.  I am plagued
with nightmares. I am consumed with thoughts of
why? I am basically devastated. And yet I am amazed
at Supernatural. I am still so on love with this show. It has
given me hope and courage and sometimes enough
meaning to keep going a little while longer.I have
experienced denial, anger and bargaining:begging
the writers to fix my broken heart. So I
I'm stuck here in the depression stage. So broken
and unsure if what's going to happen. Fortunately for
me I've been blessed to have some of the best
friends I've ever had thanks to my boys and social
media.And we encourage each other.We're lovingly
getting each other through.We say we're proud
of us because we are. We are a little Supernatural
family. And if not for them I'm not sure I'd have
made it to this side of the week. I have no idea
where we're heading. I know I'll love Dean demon
or not. I want him back so bad it physically hurts.
And I am not looking forward to those emerald
green eyes going dark.  But he's still Dean so hr
gets my heart. Once upon a con the very beautiful and
awesome Jensen Ackles held me close and said very
softly to a visably shaking and crying me "You're
okay". I'm not right now but I hear him say that
and I working on it.