130 Days Reflecting on Brotherly Love

 It's been 130 days since my hero died. I rewatched  Do You Believe in Miracles? again and I made it through. It was still awful. I cried and no I didn't sleep well that night. But. I noticed a lot of things I missed in the tension before. Like when they put Dean in the dungeon, he argues with Sam and Cas but you can see he's almost relieved to be taken care of. A rare Dean trait,that rarely shows up. Also, he hesitates when Crowley asks if he wants to get rid of the mark. It's written all over his face he does but in true Dean fashion he goes with the mission, "I want Metatron." When Sam catches up with him, he tries to tell Sam he's sorry, again in a stumbling Dean fashion. He knocks Sam out yes, but to protect him once again. He gently picks up Sam's arm and as he rearranges it over him, he pats him and lingers just a second to look at Sam, just in case it's the last time. When Metatron stabs him, the look of shock on his face is terrifying. I guess I was too busy screaming "NO, NO, NO!" the first time but there is a moment when you can see he realizes this is it. He tries to fight back and for once in his heroic life he doesn't. When Sam says, "I lied", he responds in Dean Fashion, "Ain't that a bitch", but the expression on his face was My little brother really does love me. I think it's what prompted  "Sammy, I'm proud of us".  This hurts but I think he felt it was okay to let go if he knew it was okay between him and Sam. He felt loved enough finally to just fall against his brother and give up. That being said, I believe in that love. and when my Dean comes back, I think it will be his touchstone, remembering those moments. I'm counting on that brother thing to save them, to restore balance in Supernatural world. It's been a hell of a Hellatus. I have grieved for most of those 130 days. I'm better. I'm actually excited about Demon Dean because I know he's going to be alright. Who knows what else S10 has in store for us? I know I'll be there no matter what. Because I really and truly love Sam Winchester's big brother.