Explaining My Deanmon Feelings

I am trying to sort out my feelings about Demon Dean. First let me say: It's a fantastic storyline. Kudos to the writers. It's compelling and new and Jensen is ROCKING the part!! If the man doesn't get a PCA for Demon Dean....well whats's the matter with tv viewers? I am am amazed at his acting ability all over again. The chemistry with Sam and Crowley are brilliant. His sinister smile is disturbingly hot, But this has been difficult for me.I love that Jensen is having the opportunity. I am 200% behind the SL, the show and the writers. I AM. This show constantly surprises me and I will never EVER stop watching. Here's the conclusion  I have come to. I love Demon Dean because he's .Dean (and Jensen), I feel sometimes like I have to defend my sadness over not having MY Dean back. I know everyone wants him back. I cannot express what Dean dying and becoming a demon did to me. I had a really hard time. It took me all of Hellatus to rewatch Do You Believe In Miracles? I reacted very badly to black eyes pictures on social media. I cried more than I am willing to admit. I cried after the premier and I cried a lot on Tuesday night. I just miss him . I don't want him to be 26 year old Dean. I want him to grow as a character, I want him to change and experience and become. It's what makes him interesting. My besties and most of my Twitter followers are super loving the Deanmon. I AM TOO. But it hurts to watch. Like physically. So I've decide not to fight my feelings. That's what they are. They aren't right or wrong its just how I feel...lost without him. Sad at seeing him not love his brother or his Baby. I want him back.I really need that. I need him being Dean. For Sam For the Supernatural world, but also for me. I feel like something's missing from my reality all the time since he's gone. yes I know he's fictional. If I sound crazy so be it .I gave up being closeted about my Dean thing a long time ago. So I have enjoyed watching what the writers and Jensen have done. They are beyond even their best in the past, I just can't wait until he is back.I need that. I love Dean Winchester no matter what form he's in. But my favorite is Sam Winchester's big brother. Holding on baby...

If My True Love, He were Gone

My sweet potato SANG one of my all time favorite Irish tunes @ Torcon today. I may cry!! He played the guitar as well. Tears, Here are the words:

Oh the summer time is coming
and the trees are sweetly blooming and the wild mountain thyme
All around the blooming heather
Will ye Go lassie go
And we'll all go together
To pull wild mountain thyme
From around the blooming heather
will ye go lassie go

I will build my love a bower
Near yon pure crystal fountain
and on it I will pile
all the flowers of the mountain
will ye go lassie go
And we;ll all go together
to pull wild mountain thyme
from around the blooming heather
will ye go lassie go

If my true love she were gone
I will surely find no other
where wild mountain thyme
all around the blooming heather
will ye go lassie go
and we'll all go together
to pull wild mountain thyme
from around the blooming heather
will ye go lassie go
                                                                                                                                                               

He sings this to JJ. I love this with all my heart. It makes me happy because I was so sad after the premier on Tuesday night. Demon Dean is so empty. So not DEAN, Oh he was sexy and truly HOT but not DEAN. The sweet smile, the music, the happiness of today....I needed it. Because my true love is still gone. I think I have never felt as sorry for Dean Winchester as in Black. And yes he's in there somewhere. The guys played it well. They were spectacular. I was so very proud of both Jensen and Jared. But my heart was still broken. I miss DEAN. I want him back. I NEED him back. The grief has been too hard. It has been too real. Demon Dean had a moment I believe when he cared if Sammy was alive. It was in his eyes( Or maybe that was just Jensen not being able to not care about Jared) and I almost cried. Okay after I went to bed, I did  cry. Yes, I know Sam is going to save him somehow. This week looks like I'll have to suffer a little more. I am still holding on. He's coming back to me. To us,to Sam. It's harder than I ever imagined this fictional but truly real love could get. But it's worth it because it's Dean. It's Supernatural. So yes, I'll go for my true love....always for Dean. Where ever and whatever his story. I just need a little real Dean before anything else happens.Jensen's words are in my head...."You're okay". I'll keep holding on. But when my baby is back....watch out TWITTER, I'm going to break you tweeting DEAN WINCHESTER IS SAVED!!!

Retrospective

 Hellatus will end tonight, For 139 days I have mourned Dean Winchester. Yes he officially returns on Tuesday as DemonDean but tomorrow night we look back at ten glorious seasons of the little show that could. So  I count that as the end of our waiting. Supernatural  is celebrating ten seasons of hunting monsters, exorcising demons, and a multitude of bromoments that are the real reason we keep coming back for more.

For me it's not just the excellent writing, and we all agree the writers are some of the best television has to offer, the movie quality cinematography or even the devastatingly handsome faces of it's stars. These help of course. This show examines family, love, sacrifice and the triumph of the human spirit better than any other show ever has. It's not always the way you want to hear it, but it's there. it's been a few hard years for our guys. They've come so far since "Dad's on a hunting trip and he hasn't been home in a few days." They have grown into men who have fought more battles than anyone should have to. I miss the days when Dean was cocky and hustling pool. I miss "bitch" and "jerk" like everyone else. But the years have made them what essentially what makes me most proud of them. They have survived. They have "kicked it in the ass" and "figured it out" more times than we can count. Loss and heartache have shaped their relationship to the point it came to 139 days ago. They were united. They were proud, they were openly loving to each other, they were being the Sam and Dean we all wanted to see. I trust in that love with all my heart. I am so thankful for Supernatural. I found it when I needed it the most. It brought me closer to my daughter than ever before, it brought me the three best friends a girl could ask for-they are my family that doesn't end with blood. ( Batcave babes: "There ain't no me if there ain't no you"!) It gave me a sense of connection to something, It gave me a hero to believe in, a place to belong.

So yeah, looking back at The Road So Far, I'm proud of this show. Proud of the writers, the fans who are so loyal, and sooo fucking proud of Sam and Dean and Jensen and Jared.
Season 10 promises to be the best we've seen so far. Sam, I'm trusting you to bring my boy back!

Let's all forget the things we may not like...I don't like Dean being a demon! ,and join together as a fandom and celebrate how far we've come and how far we can go. See you at the Retrospective. We survived Hellatus...the worst one so far. I'm proud of us.

130 Days Reflecting on Brotherly Love

 It's been 130 days since my hero died. I rewatched  Do You Believe in Miracles? again and I made it through. It was still awful. I cried and no I didn't sleep well that night. But. I noticed a lot of things I missed in the tension before. Like when they put Dean in the dungeon, he argues with Sam and Cas but you can see he's almost relieved to be taken care of. A rare Dean trait,that rarely shows up. Also, he hesitates when Crowley asks if he wants to get rid of the mark. It's written all over his face he does but in true Dean fashion he goes with the mission, "I want Metatron." When Sam catches up with him, he tries to tell Sam he's sorry, again in a stumbling Dean fashion. He knocks Sam out yes, but to protect him once again. He gently picks up Sam's arm and as he rearranges it over him, he pats him and lingers just a second to look at Sam, just in case it's the last time. When Metatron stabs him, the look of shock on his face is terrifying. I guess I was too busy screaming "NO, NO, NO!" the first time but there is a moment when you can see he realizes this is it. He tries to fight back and for once in his heroic life he doesn't. When Sam says, "I lied", he responds in Dean Fashion, "Ain't that a bitch", but the expression on his face was My little brother really does love me. I think it's what prompted  "Sammy, I'm proud of us".  This hurts but I think he felt it was okay to let go if he knew it was okay between him and Sam. He felt loved enough finally to just fall against his brother and give up. That being said, I believe in that love. and when my Dean comes back, I think it will be his touchstone, remembering those moments. I'm counting on that brother thing to save them, to restore balance in Supernatural world. It's been a hell of a Hellatus. I have grieved for most of those 130 days. I'm better. I'm actually excited about Demon Dean because I know he's going to be alright. Who knows what else S10 has in store for us? I know I'll be there no matter what. Because I really and truly love Sam Winchester's big brother.

1. 
   

Carry On 110 Days and Counting

It's been 110 days since the worst Supernatural moment ever happened.
My hero Dean Winchester died.  For 110 days
I have worried about getting him back. I know
that Demon Dean is not going to be relatively
short lived but I must admit as excited as I am for
Season 10 to begin I still dread my Dean not being
there. It throws off my sense of well being. Of
that security that big brother is in charge. Now
I am not delusional.  I know Dean is a fictional
character. But he represents all that is hope and
family and love.He is a unique character that
is every man. He means more to me than I can
verbalize. I found my fictional boyfriend by accident.
He was already a whole fandom's hero before I
discovered him. And I found him at a time when
I was most vulnerable.  I was at  cross roads in my life
and I did not have a partner or a rock to lean on. And
there was Dean embodying so many if my same
struggles. And I fell irrevocably in love. So my
grief over losing him was REAL. I am still not over
it. I need to have him back. The October start
date isn't when my guy comes back. When he's not
Demon Dean I'll start to properly heal. If I'm crazy
then I am. But I have been holding on 110 days
and I'll keep on until he's back....and forever.  Because
It's DEAN.

..."Be kind"

I guess it's inevitable during the con season for people who don't go to the current con to be a bit , for lack of a better word, jealous of those who do. Supernatural fans are incredibly passionate, especially when it comes to whichever boy they love best. I am fortunate to have con plans this season. Some of my closest
friends just returned from VanCon where they were able to spend a week after the con. I'm not going to lie. I'd have adored to be there. But reality dictates I may not actually ever have a schedule that allows me 2 weeks off to play in Vancouver. I am glad my friends did. They shared their experiences with me and they had a great time. I guess the reason I am writing this is I've noticed there seems to be a sense of  competition in the fandom. To be seen as super fans or better fans. I have three Supernatural besties and we aren't jealous of one another. But one of my followers made the comment that people who attend make her feel bad as a fan since she doesn't think she will ever be able to attend one. I guess what I'm trying to get to is summed up in a tweet to a fan by our own Jared Padalecki..."be kind" (he wasn't saying she was mean let me clarify). There's a way to squee that isn't bragging! I have from time to time struggled with the "better fan" issue. I've come to realize even if I were not lucky enough to have actually seen and touched Jensen Ackles it doesn't mean I'd love him or the show any less. That's a cherry on my sundae but it doesn't mean I'm not as good a fan as the people who can take the time to do multiple cons. It doesn't mean I am less appreciated as a fan by cast and crew.So if you're tweeting your experiences,be kind. If you're wishing you could go to a con, be kind. Fandom is to unite the fans, not tear them apart. What matters is, we all love this show and these guys!