In Support of Jensen and Misha And yes Jared Too So Don't Say It

  I have to say this. And I really could care less if I lose followers or get hate dms or get lambasted for not caring about AKF. I make no bones about the fact that I love Jensen Ackles with all my heart. I love him for more than his beautiful face. I love his beautiful soul even more. I am quite upset about the Jensen and Misha hate I am seeing all over social media. First of all Jensen and Misha whole heartedly supported Jared in Always Keep Fighting. Jensen lent his face to one of the shirts and put himself behind the project with the Pack fund. He did everything he could to help Jared last summer when he got tuckered out. He was the most proud person at Comic Con when Jared was honored. He is Jared's biggest fan. He has been quite vocal about how proud he is of what Jared has accomplished with Always Keep Fighting. Jensen is way more shy than Jared and if anything he tries to shy away from attention. Neither of these guys is an attention whores. They care more about their fans than anyone else in the business. All three of them. In Creation's defense they hear a lot of fan crisis things and their desire to help too is admirable. I do believe they could stop raising their prices. They make plenty. But to say Jensen sucks or that he's stealing something from Jared? That's plain wrong. Misha has had as hard a time as anyone growing up and while I admit that sometimes I get angry at his encouragement of Destiel...sorry don't ship but if you do it's fine...and his silliness I believe when it comes to fans  I think his heart is in the right place. All our guys are big hearted wonderful people who desire to make a difference. And not for themselves or any credit. For US. The fans. The folks they consider family. Fans are the ones who create the drama. Not the guys. Here's the truth though. If Jensen says Jared is involved, he is because Jensen would never lie to us. Ever. He is the most honorable person out there. I think any one hating on him or Misha needs to ask themselves if they want to help the family. Yes there's a contest but no one is making you buy a shirt. I think Jared is thankful for Jensen and Misha's help for spreading awareness and trying to get people what they need. These guys don't have to care about us. Do you know any other show where the stars do? I don't. But they DO care. A lot. So why are we whining and complaining and calling them out for loving us? It doesn't make sense and it's just plain mean. And it has nothing to do with the word family. Just saying.

No Imagination Needed

   Dean wasn't sleeping. He'd tossed and turned for a couple of hours. The whole thing with Sully was keeping him up. It was an easy hunt as hunts go. Again he'd had a people are crazy moment. But it wasn't the hunt.No it was Sam. The whole idea that Sam had said he was lonely as a kid. And of course there was his renewed visions and the I need to go back to the cage speech in the car.And for an hour or more he'd heard the Yello Eyed Demon say in Dad's voice in his head, "You fight and fight for this family. But the truth is, they don't need you, not like you need them." The fact that he had somehow failed Sam when they were kids was almost more than Dean could take. He scrubbed a hand down his face and threw back the covers. He placed around his room for a good half hour and looked at his watch. Five a.m. Okay. Not too early. He walked across the hall to Sam's room and opened the door. His brother was sleeping, on his stomach, face covered by hair. Dean smiled. He wondered if he would ever look at Sam sleeping and not see a child. He'd come into the room fully intending to wake Sam but watching him sleep , he just couldn't. He pulled the comforter higher over Sam and laid his hand on his head. He brushed back the hair from Sam's face and turned to go. As he reached the door Sam mumbled, "Dean?" Dean stopped but didn't turn around. "Dean, you 'kay?"
    "I'm okay Sam." He sensed Sam sitting up. He still didn't turn around. He heard Sam's bare feet on the floor. Felt his hand on his shoulder.
  "Something is wrong. You're acting weird ever since Sully showed up. Can't you just talk to me man?"
  Dean closed his eyes. No. I can't. I don't know how to fix it. Instead he said,"You gotta admit it's weird when imaginary friends turn out to be real.Seriously Sammy. I'm fine."
   Sam wasn't letting this one go by with I'm fine. Dean came into his room for a reason. "Dean. I know you're not. Just come over here or we'll go in the library but we need to talk." Dean's shoulders slumped and Sam knew he'd won.
   "Let's go in the library." Sam turned loose of Dean's shoulder and Dean led the way to the library. Once there Sam sat down on the couch and waited. Dean paced a little, clearly nervous. He finally perched on the edge of his favorite armchair and looked at the floor.
    "Look Sam, about the you bring a lonely kid thing. I didn't know. I....tried.  I guess I never thought about you know...you having friends and....I....was focused on keeping you safe and fed and....that was my job. So if I kept you from having friends, if I was the reason you needed an imaginary friend....I'm sorry okay?" He suddenly felt ridiculous. Because if he was truly honest with himself, he had been jealous of Sully. Jealous of something his brother made up at what age? Nine? He felt silly admitting it but there you had it. Sam listened and he knew what the confession was. He knew Dean felt jealous. The you had me his brother had retorted at his admission to being a lonely kid wasn't lost on him. Sam also heard something else in what Dean just said. What Sam heard underneath was If I wasn't good enough....
     "Dean, you know that was a really long time ago. And you weren't the reason I was lonely. It was constant moving, the secrecy, the feeling different from you and Dad." Dean looked up and his expression was sad.
     "How were you different? Besides being a freaking genius? " Sam smiled. He slid to the other side of the sofa to be closer to Dean.
   "I didn't want to hunt. I didn't picture this life for myself." Dean nodded. He looked at the floor again. Sam's heart twisted a little as he realized the guilt and maybe fear Dean was feeling. He reached out and grabbed his brother's arm. "But that was a long time ago. That was before...."
      Dean looked up. "Before what?" He sounded tired. Sam wanted nothing more than to make him feel better.
   "Before you went to Hell. Before I went to Hell, before I was soulless and you were a demon. Before Henry gave us the key to the bunker and we found out we were Men of Letters. Dean this IS our life. And we're doing it together. No imaginary friends needed. Ok?"
  Dean sighed. "Ok. Sammy, if...." His brother cut him off.
   "You think I don't get what goes on in your head. You think I don't know how you feel. Stop it alright? You were good enough. You were the best big brother. You ARE the best big brother. Dean I think it sucked you never got to just be a kid. You had more responsibility at eight than I do now. I made up an imaginary friend because I wanted someone to talk to. Not because you weren't good enough. It was because of me, not you."
   Dean stood up, running a hand through his hair. "Well you obviously couldn't talk to me so I wasn't doing something right. Look Sam it's too early in the morning to do this. And since the imaginary friend isn't so imaginary after all, it's good you had him I guess. " He sat on the sofa and leaned his head back.
   "Dean, did you sleep at all?"Sam inquired.
    Dean closed his eyes. "Not much." There was still the elephant in the room and he hadn't mentioned it. The I need to go to the cage thing. He was too tired to discuss it. But they needed to. Waves of sleep began to pour over him. "Sam, I think I need..." He stopped.
   "A nap" Sam finished for his brother. He gently rearranged Dean so instead of slouching in the corner of the sofa he was lying down. He pulled the blanket off the back of the couch and covered Dean up. Sitting on the coffee table beside him Sam watched his brother sleep. He knew he had big decisions to make. Probably ones Dean wasn't going to like. But Sam had realized something yesterday when he talked to Sully. Sully said the imaginary friend goes away when the kid doesn't need them anymore. Sam had known the minute Dad called and told him to get on the bus that he was going to his real heroes. Dad and Dean. And in reality they had been all he needed. He hoped he could make Dean see somehow that everything Sam had done, had become was in part because of Dean. For Dean. No one could ask for or have a better brother. Sam wished he had been as good a brother to Dean as Dean had to him. He stood up. There was research he could do. And some plans to make. He went toward the kitchen to make coffee and turned back to look at his sleeping brother. Softly he said out loud, "Ever think I love you? Cause I do. No imagination needed." Coffee. Research. Sam Winchester had work to do.

Still Trying

       Dean wasn't really into the holiday thing. It just never seemed to really fit in well with the life the Winchester men lived. Dad tried when they were little. Or at least he tried when he could and after Dean was somewhere around nine or so Sam's Christmas was pretty much up to him if there was any at all. And Dean made sure that was never the case. There was the one time in Montana, the year Sam found out about what they did when Dean stole presents that were decidedly girly by accident but usually he bought Sam's presents with money he "earned" hustling pool or occasionally working if they stayed somewhere long enough. But somehow after Sam left for Stanford, the whole holiday thing lost it's meaning for Dean and he and Dad never mentioned it. The year before he went to Hell, he'd really wanted to celebrate. Sam had been the reluctant one but in the end they'd had a nice impromptu celebration after all. Since then it had seemed like too much had happened, too many losses to warrant any real desire to celebrate anything except just getting through one bad incident after another. But this morning Dean had awakened with a real overwhelming need to " do Christmas". He'd been dreaming. It was still fresh and vivid in his mind. He knew there were drying tears on his face but hell, he was alone and who cared? He'd dreamed about that last Christmas before Mom died. He thought he had all but forgotten it but it came back in full living color in his sleep. There was no Sam yet of course but Mom and Dad told him that day he was going to be a big brother and he'd understood and been very excited. There was a huge tree and a shiny fire truck, a Batman  action figure and a Hot wheels track. Mom had laughed a lot and they had a huge dinner. It was so normal. How could any of them have known what the new year after would bring?
      But that was forever ago and this was now and Dean wanted a real Christmas. For Sam and Cas and yes himself. Maybe mostly for himself. How to go about it and make it a surprise, he wasn't sure. But he was pretty sure there would be no game plan without coffee so he slung back the covers and headed to the kitchen.
      Two hours later, Sam shuffled into the kitchen hair in his eyes, bare feet and rubbing sleep from his eyes. Dean smiled. "Good morning", he said, affection in his voice. "Need coffee?" His brother slumped into a chair, hands holding his head. He mumbled something that sounded like coffeeyes to Dean who got up to pour him a large mug. While Dean preferred coffee black, he kept an array flavored creamers for Sam. He added rum cake to the strong brew and put the mug beside his brother. A large  hand wrapped around the cup and in a minute or two Sam was able to speak coherently.
     "What are you doing awake so early Dean? It's barely seven."
    Dean poured himself a fourth cup of coffee. "Just woke up. Listen Sam, I've got some things I need to take care of. So I'll been gone for a few hours. You good?"
    Sam looked up at Dean. He seemed okay. No signs of distress, he wasn't acting like he was hiding things. Besides, there were a few things Sam wanted to take care of too. "Sure Dean. I have some stuff to do around here and.." He broke off trying to sound non noncommittal and like he himself had no plans. Dean cocked an eyebrow. A little too easy but he wasn't going to argue. If Sam were up to something he was sure he'd find out sooner or later.
     "Okay. I'll be back this afternoon. See you." Dean picked up his keys and pulled on his jacket. Sam watched and when he heard the door close, he hurried to shower and get his own plans started.
     Dean enjoyed the two hour drive to Junction City. Let's face it, he said to himself, Lebanon isn't exactly a great shopping district. He knew the malls and department stores would be teeming with last minute shoppers. It was Christmas Eve after all. But Dean was excited. A man on a mission. He could g handle the crowds. He somehow scored a close parking place and headed into the crowded mall.
     Meanwhile Sam had showered, dressed and had a second cup of coffee. He was sitting at the kitchen table running his hand through damp hair and making a list when Cas appeared. "Good morning Sam," the angel said as he poured himself a cup of coffee. "What are you doing?"
    Sam looked up."Hey Cas. I was making a list. It's Christmas Eve and I wanted to go find a present for Dean, maybe shop for a really nice dinner. Thought we could celebrate a little. I don't know." Cas nodded. He frowned a little. As long as Sam was making plans, if Dean wasn't around, Cas had a plan of his own.
   "Where's Dean?" Cas asked.
    "He said he'd be out until late afternoon." Sam finished his list. "You want to come with me?" he offered.
   "Uh no.  I have things to do as well.But thank you Sam. When will you be back?"
     Sam shrugged his coat on. "Two, three hours." He patted the angel on the shoulder as he pocketed his keys and headed out for his errands.
      Cas smiled to himself. He hoped he had time to accomplish his own little mission.
     Dean was pleased with his purchases. He'd found warn scarves and gloves for both Sam and Cas, several books he'd gleaned from Sam's Amazon wish list and a a boxed set of  Buffy the Vampire dvds for Cas,  in part because he would enjoy it too. He decided it was worth it to have the gifts wrapped as his own wrapping skills were less than expert.
The very pretty girl in gift wrap blushed when he complimented her sweater and made his gifts extra special and Dean left the large department store with a shopping bag full of remembrances for his loved ones and a smile on his face. He was also hungry and there was a food court full of tempting choices. After a quick slice of pizza and a large coke he started back to the car when he saw a candy store and had to stop. He bought assorted truffles because he thought Sam would like them and because it reminded him of that last Christmas with Mom, two pounds of fudge, one each chocolate and vanilla. Satisfied, he made his way to the Impala. Since he was alone, he allowed himself the guilty pleasure of listening to the all Christmas Carol station as he pointed the car towards the bunker.
    Sam didn't go quite as far as Dean. He liked the few shops downtown and he made quick work of his shopping. He selected a warm but very soft gray v neck sweater for Dean, knowing it was one Dean would like but never buy for himself. He bought Cas a blue flannel shirt because he thought the angel needed something more casual to wear while catching up on his Netflix series. His next stop was to the gift shop on the corner that he had noticed the next items on his list. He quickly found the vintage Batman comic books he'd seen before and on impulse selected an action figure of said hero. He found a coffee mug for Cas that would easily hold two cups and it was a cheerful red plaid he knew Cas would enjoy. Unlike Dean, Sam purchased paper, ribbons and tags. He then headed to the little food market across the street. He hummed White Christmas as he gathered his supplies.
     Sam let himself in through the garage and put his gifts in his room. Cas wasn't around so Sam took the groceries into the kitchen. He wasn't as good a cook as Dean but he thought he could handle this. Following the recipe he'd written down, he put a roast surrounded by carrots, onions and whole new potatoes seasoned with salt, pepper and rosemary into a roasting pan. He covered it and slid it into the oven. He assembled a salad, put rolls on a baking dish for later and put the lattice topped apple cranberry pie he'd bought on the counter. He went into his room to wrap his gifts, never once checking the library for Cas.
    When Dean arrived home he started down the stairs. His nose detected the scent of something delicious cooking but it was the sight of the beautifully decorated Christmas tree he saw in the library that stopped him in his tracks. There stood Cas admiring his own handiwork. Dean walked to the tree, a huge smile on his face. " Cas, did you do this?"
   The angel returned the huge smile. "Yes.Merry Christmas Dean." Dean sat his bag of gifts down.
  "Thanks man. Cas it's beautiful. Really. Here, I have presents. He carefully placed them around the tree. "Looks like Christmas huh?" He stood up.
   "Cas? " Sam's voice echoed through the bunker. Cars and Dean laughed.
   "In here Sam!" Sam followed Cas' voice and was just as surprised as Dean to see the tree but he broke out a wide dimpled grin. Dean looked so happy he felt excited. He had his hands full of his own gifts and he eagerly placed his own under the tree.
   "So, what smells so good?" Dean inquired. " Looks like every one is in the spirit today. Do I need to check on that?"
   Sam huffed. "I got it covered. How bout a drink?" He moved to pour them each one. "And there's a movie in the player." All three of them settled into the comfortable furniture as Sam started the movie.
    Two hours later as the credits rolled, Dean would deny the tears he was blinking back as George Bailey's friends helped him and Sam smiled when his brother wasn't looking. "Angels don't really have to earn wings but I did enjoy that."Cas said.
    "Just a story Cas." Dean said. "How long til we eat Sam?" Sam stretched and grinned." Should be about ready. Let me go check." He left Dean and Cas discussing A Wonderful Life and went to the kitchen.
     Following Sam's excellent dinner, the boys and the angel returned to the tree. Sam began handing out presents. They spent an hour opening gifts and exclaiming thanks. It was pleasant and normal and Dean looked oddly at his brother and best friend.
    "Dean? You okay?"Sam left his chair to crouch in front of his brother. Dean looked at the floor, willing himself to contain the emotions welling up inside him. He nodded. Sam reached a hand around his neck, squeezing. "It's okay Dean. This was good. We're all okay." Dean let his head drop forward on Sam's shoulder. For just a minute he gave into that memory of being  almost four and Santa bringing Batman and then he looked down at the Batman in his hand and lifted his head.
   "This is awesome" he said to Sam raising the figure up. "I got one that last Christmas."
   Sam smiled. "Mom's last Christmas? What else did you get?"
   Dean said, "A hot wheels track and a fire truck. Really big fire truck. But that wasn't my best gift." He looked about four to Sam right now,  with the wistful look in eyes.
  "No? What was the best gift you got that year?" Dean's green eyes watered.
    "You. I, they told me I was going to be a big brother that day. "
    Sam choked back a little sob. "And look how that turned out for you."  He joked lighten the mood. His brother reached out and squeezed his arm.
    "Yeah. Look at that." He sat fully up and said, "Guess we should clean up this mess." As Sam and Cas began picking up discarded wrappings he thought to himself, best thing that ever happened to me Sam. He picked up the action figure and placed it under the tree with the rest of their gifts. And he remembered.
   "You're going to be a wonderful big brother Dean" Mom had said, kissing his forehead.
   "I'll try really hard Mommy" his almost four year old self had replied. He looked at Sam, laughing with Cas and whispered, "Still trying Mom."
 

Perfect Landing Tag to I1.04

   Home again. Dean maneuvered Baby into the garage. He was beyond exhausted. Sam was sound asleep in the seat beside him. He ran a gentle hand over the dashboard.  " I'm sorry Baby. " He'd fix her. He'd done it before....more than once. He sighed, running a hand down his face. He was so freaking tired. He shook Sam slightly.  " Hey. Sammy. Wake up. We're home." His brother stirred, opened his eyes. He stretched his arms and unfolded his long body
   "I need a shower. I need a bed." Dean smiled. He wanted.to tease Sam about his fling the night before. But he saw the real exhaustion in his brother's eyes. It could wait. Dean certainly wasn't finished giving Sam grief over his ' night moves' but not tonight
    "Okay . Let's get you in." They opened both doors, grabbed duffles and made their way up the stairs to the main floor. Dean sighed as he stepped inside. As they made their.way through the kitchen to their rooms Dean stumbled a little. Sam stopped, steadying him, gripping his arm.
    "You okay?" Dean nodded. Sam didn't let go until they were at Dean's door. " I'm going to get cleaned up. How about you? You need any medical attention first?" Dean leaned in the door frame.
     "Nah. I'm good." He did need to fix up the bite on his neck and probably Cas could do that. Sam nodded and kept on down the hall to his own room. He laughed when he found Cas sitting on the floor leaning against his bed totally engrossed in season 2 of Orange is the New Black. The angel looked up surprised and paused his show. He took in Sam's bloody face and stood up.
   "Hey Cas", Sam said. "You figured out Netflix huh?" Cas smiled.
 "It's quite amazing, these collections of television shows and movies. Let me fix that." Cas reached out two fingers and touched Sam, healing the wounds from the encounter in Oregon. "Where's Dean?", he asked. Both he and Sam were protective of Dean ever since the mark of Cain. Sam put his hand on the angel's shoulder.
  "He's okay Cas. He's in his room. But you could fix him up too. I'm going to shower and change and Dean needs to also."
    As Sam gathered his essentials for bed and went to the shower room Cas went to Dean's bedroom. He called softly, "Dean?" He paused at the door and what he saw brought tears to his eyes. There was Dean, his face covered in blood, some kind of angry bite mark on his neck. That was concerning enough but the fact that Dean was looking at a picture of John Winchester and the boys with tears streaming down his face made Cas wonder what had happened while they were away. He moved to where Dean stood in front of the small dresser where he kept his few family pictures. Placing a hand on his friend's arm he said again, "Dean". Dean looked up. He gave the angel a half smile, full of affection but clouded still with sadness.

  "Hey Cas", he started. His voice was ragged, rough with fatigue and emotion. He struggled to keep the tears out of it. The angel touched the side of his neck and Dean winced as he was healed. As usual after being " fixed up" by Cas he felt a slight headache coming on. "Thanks. How are you?" He hoped from the rested look of him their friend was better himself.
   "I feel much improved. I like Netflix. I find it restful." Dean chuckled. This earned him a small smile from Cas. "Dean, you were crying. Is there something.."
     Dean held up a hand. "No Cas. I'm good. Just really tired." Before Cas could reply Sam appeared in pajamas with wet hair. He smelled fresh and clean and Dean wanted to feel that way too.

    "You hungry Dean?" Sam inquired. Suddenly he was starving. His brother smiled just a little. And felt guilty for not stopping to feed Sam along the way. But Baby was so beat up and so we're they.
  "Yeah. Give me five minutes to shower and I'll cook some breakfast." He pulled clean clothes for himself out of the dresser.
   "I can ..." Sam began. Dean turned with a raised eyebrow.Sam laughed. His kitchen skills were often taunted by his brother. He raised his hands in surrender. " Okay. Five minutes . "
    A little longer than five minutes found Dean also fresh and in pajamas in the kitchen with Sam and Cas who were drinking coffee. "That's gonna wake you up Sammy and you need to sleep."
   Sam said, "It's decaf". Dean snorted. His way of saying then it's not really coffee. He set about frying bacon, scrambling eggs with cheese,making toast. He listened to Sam and Cas making comfortable small talk but was quiet himself. He put the food on plates, got out jam for the toast, poured himself a cup of the not-coffee and sat down. He tried to eat. He made sure Sam was. But something was keeping him from ploughing into his breakfast. He should be starving. He should be ecstatic they and poor wrecked Baby were safely here. Something felt lodged in his throat like he had a giant golf ball stuck in it. Emotion  washed over him and despite the fact that it was only him and his baby brother and his best friend he was Dean Winchester after all and he didn't want to lose it in front of them. What the hell was wrong with him? He choked back a sob and pushed himself to his feet, hurrying to the sanctuary of his room despite both Sam and Cas calling his name. Dean slammed his door shut. He paced the floor, hands clutching his short hair, trying not to start sobbing.

  In his head he heard Dad saying, "You know a little something about cars do you?" He could see an older John handing him the keys "You want her? She's yours." Saw him on the side of the road outside Salvation. "Touch up your car Dean. I wouldn't have given you the damn thing if I'd known you were going to ruin it." He saw himself with the sledge hammer in Bobby' s yard smashing his beloved car. He flashed back to finding her abandoned and destroyed when Zacariah sent him to the future. So many times he'd let Baby down and she'd been so much a part of his life, like a real person. She was his only tangible link to Dad, she had been there when Mom was alive, she'd been Sam's link to him in Hell and Purgatory. Mainly she had been a home, a refuge. How many times he'd slept in her alone when Sam was at college and Dad had left him behind.
   He closed his eyes, trying to stop what he feared was going to be an epic chick flick moment when he felt large hands gently pull his hands from his hair and strong arms circling around him. He pressed his face against Sam's shoulder, put his own arms around his brother. He stopped fighting the tears and let them fall. It was just him and Sam. Sam got it. He didn't have to explain. His brother tightened his hug, pulling Dean even closer. " I gotcha " Sam whispered close to his ear.
    It only took a few minutes for Dean to pull it together. He pushed back a little and looked at Sam never ceasing to be amazed he had to look up at the kid. The kid. The kid who was no longer that but to Dean that's what he'd always be. He didn't speak. Just nodded and Sam patted the side of his face. Sam released Dean and moved to pull back the covers on his bed. "Get some rest Dean. We're safe. Baby's safe. It's all good." Dean sighed. Sam was right. He sank gratefully into his memory foam mattress onto the pillows Sam had piled up. Sam pulled the blankets up over him, rested his hand on Dean's head briefly before moving to the door where he turned out the light. He left the door open. As he drifted off Dean heard Cas ask if he was okay. Heard Sam reply, "He's good. Nothing sleep won't fix." He relaxed and he dreamed.
   He was sixteen and Dad was teaching him to drive. Sam was in the back seat just itching for a turn. He pulled into the driveway of the house in Lawrence and as he turned off the ignition, he looked over at Dad who gave him the same wide dimpled grin his brother had. " Perfect landing son".

Feeling Alone

 Rule #1 Feel free to express yourself IF it expresses the same opinion as the rest of fandom. I found out quickly you can get hurt really bad by this one. Even if you don't tag anyone. Even if it's not really directed at fans specifically. I hate the word "dork". Where I come from we were taught never to use it. It has two very impolite meanings and we are taught in the south never to be impolite.  I am told it supposedly means goofball.(By at least ten ppl) Ok. But why are Jensen and Jared goofy all the time? I see this 50 plus times a day on my tl So use it. I won't and from now on I won't express any opinion.. Also you can't not approve of shipping, particularly Destiel because this will earn you multiple hate tweets even when you tag or mention no one.....

  I have been in the fandom three years. I am basically a nobody. I have no big following. Heck I'm not even sure on any given day if my friends are going to like me. I guess I wanted to really believe in the #SPNFamily thing. But here lately I get the feeling people just want me to leave. I have had direct messages basically telling me I don't belong and don't "deserve" Jensen and worse. If I don't like something someone says I don't tell them they are unworthy or ugly or old or stupid.And I've been called all of that recently. That isn't how you treat  people. I hate to say this but I think if I told Jensen the things that have been said to me, he'd be upset. Of course I wouldn't. I don't ever want him to know  some of his fans are mean to other fans. Maybe some folks can let this stuff roll off their backs. I can't. I am pretty sensitive. Especially when it comes to feeling like I belong somewhere and anything related to Supernatural. It's hard to think people have your back and then they don't. It's hard to invest and get hurt. It's hard to put yourself out there at all when you're afraid your voice is either not heard, not valued or plain silenced.  I know there are tons of wonderful fans out there. There have to be for this to keep going. What saddens me the most is feeling like just being me isn't enough. Jared says "You're not alone". So many days that's how I feel though . Alone in this big fandom.. I can't stop loving Supernatural or Jensen and frankly I need the fandom . I need to see the pictures and the squee etc. I literally joined Twitter because of fandom. To talk to and be accepted by fans of my show.To share something big. I DO have some very special friends in here. Some of the ones I love the most. I don't want to be fandom famous. I just want to be able to be here, say what I feel, share my own passions and not be afraid of what people are going to say that will be hurtful. I am pretty shell shocked, walking wounded right now. I'm not afraid of debate. I'm scared as hell about full on insults because I've been battling a scarred self esteem for several months. I am going to PasCon and I don't want to be in the Jensen photo ops line hearing "You don't deserve him" in my head but it's there already. The question is why don't I? Because of my looks, my age, my opinions? What makes one fan more worthy than another? Because I don't think he sees any difference. I think he sees our love for him  and nothing else. Because he still believes it's a family. Which I want to more than anything. We'll see how it goes after the con I guess. I can't and won't leave. I think I belong. To feel afraid in your family can be devastating. I am trusting I can get to the point where I feel at home here again. It may be I have to fight for it. I may have to just be a silent observer, I may have to just squee and not have opinions. I wish my illusions hadn't been shattered. I wish I was confident this is my place. I used to feel that way. I am trying to believe Jared's words....but I still feel pretty alone.  Still when it's all said and done...I love Supernatural. I love Dean Winchester. I love Jensen Ackles. They saved me. So I deserve to love them.  I deserve my twenty seconds of photo time just like anyone else. I'm betting on him thinking I do too.

Haters Gonna Hate

 Okay. So today I have been totally insulted on my own Twitter page. I've been called stupid,old,pitiful and told to shut up because I expressed an opinion on my own page about a Jensen and Misha panel. I actually had someone say this and I quote it :"Grown women who are like 40 with fan accounts are so terrifying like what did you do to come to this point this isn't even your generation". So First I do not have a fan account. I have a personal account. And not my generation? Excuse me but the Winchester boys aren't teenagers. Dean is 36 and Sam 32. Jensen is 37 and Misha is 41.Mark is fifty one. This is not a teenybopper show. Never has been. The major demographic of fans is  28-45 year old women. It's not fair to say someone can't be a fan if they are not twenty something. For the record I have seen plenty of 60 something women in photo ops online.
Today Twitter has been full of Sam and Jared hate and all of it I've seen is from people who claim they are die hard Jensen fans. Ok. You can't seriously think he'd approve of someone hating on his co-star and best friend? Maybe some people aren't aware that might be hurtful to Jensen and God forbid Jared. You don't have to like someone but to publically hate on them is not what family would do. I have been so happy in fandom until recently. Why is there this need every time the new season starts the hate starts? I have had some really ugly things said to and about me today and I didn't tag any one but Creation on my initial tweet. I was told by a Cockackles fan to shut up.  I was called presumptuous because I said "no one's a bigger fan than me"  when what I meant was not that literally. I eat sleep and breathe Supernatural. I love Dean Winchester so much his death and resurrection as a demon made me physically ill and I may never get completely over it. I love Jensen Ackles more than life itself. But I can't stand the hate. Why does everything lately relate to Cas and Dean? The show is the brothers. Cas is a nice secondary character. He isn't Dean's brother or his lover. He's a close friend, an ally  but Sam is Dean's significant other and no one else can be. It's who he is. He would pick Sam over John. And that's true. But in digressing I lose my point. I shouldn't be attacked on my own page. People in this fandom seem to love arguing. It's exhausting. I feel like curling up in a ball and crying because I feel like I got jumped by a whole gang. I don't think Jensen would like  fans being mean to fans. I fought back. I did. Because I felt attacked. And just think if someone as secure in their Supernatural love as I am feels this way how does this affect people much more fragile? Serious damage can be done with words y'all. Everyone wants the last say. Jensen and Jared give way too much of themselves. They are nice to people who say horrible things all over social media about them and their show and they just don't know. I guess I couldn't stand there hugging Jensen and feel right if I called Jared trash and unimportant and a liar and an attention who're because the main man in my world loves him a hell of a lot. I couldn't take the chance he'd see my tweets somehow and feel less about me. Jared is an awesome guy who gives way too much to his fans. He's also SamFucking Winchester to Jensen's Dean and that's Supernatural folks. The brothers. I think I might have lost some faith in the SPNFamily today. I am sorry I had as n opinion I guess regarding certain panel options but I didn't attack anyone until I felt fight or flight impulses. So I'm done. Excuse me while I go cry and let my hurt feelings heal. But there's one thing I want to leave you with. MY generation DOES love this show and these men and we are all walks of life and what brought us here is the same as any teenager or twenty something. It changed our lives and made us happier. So.

Don't Change Cons

  So I'm seeing a lot of talk about asking Creation to have solo panels. First of all having the boys together is a Creation hallmark. Second the boys are there for one day. Thirdly, this isn't the same and I have never done it but there are meet and greets. Personally I don't want solo panels. Or one of the boys and Misha. That's not the Creation way to do things. Asylum and JIB are long cons during hiatus. The guys give up a lot of their time to come do one day with us at Cons. To ask for more is selfish. I like the way Creation runs their weekends. I personally don't want any changes. I am sure there are people who will argue or disagree. The reality also is to do that Creation would have to charge more. Also if you do that some where you'd miss out on someone. Creation has the system worked out. Not saying I can ever get enough of Jensen or Jared but them together works. Also I keep seeing how it's unfair to Gold patrons to not have solo included. The truly great thing is every seat at a Creation con gets a J2 panel. Gold has an extra. If you can do gold lucky you. I wish people would stop complaining. If you want solo panels go to Europe. I think asking more of Jensen and Jared is too much during the filming season. Save up for a meet and greet. And remember some people haven't and might not ever get to go to a con so let's be grateful if we have.