Feeling Alone

 Rule #1 Feel free to express yourself IF it expresses the same opinion as the rest of fandom. I found out quickly you can get hurt really bad by this one. Even if you don't tag anyone. Even if it's not really directed at fans specifically. I hate the word "dork". Where I come from we were taught never to use it. It has two very impolite meanings and we are taught in the south never to be impolite.  I am told it supposedly means goofball.(By at least ten ppl) Ok. But why are Jensen and Jared goofy all the time? I see this 50 plus times a day on my tl So use it. I won't and from now on I won't express any opinion.. Also you can't not approve of shipping, particularly Destiel because this will earn you multiple hate tweets even when you tag or mention no one.....

  I have been in the fandom three years. I am basically a nobody. I have no big following. Heck I'm not even sure on any given day if my friends are going to like me. I guess I wanted to really believe in the #SPNFamily thing. But here lately I get the feeling people just want me to leave. I have had direct messages basically telling me I don't belong and don't "deserve" Jensen and worse. If I don't like something someone says I don't tell them they are unworthy or ugly or old or stupid.And I've been called all of that recently. That isn't how you treat  people. I hate to say this but I think if I told Jensen the things that have been said to me, he'd be upset. Of course I wouldn't. I don't ever want him to know  some of his fans are mean to other fans. Maybe some folks can let this stuff roll off their backs. I can't. I am pretty sensitive. Especially when it comes to feeling like I belong somewhere and anything related to Supernatural. It's hard to think people have your back and then they don't. It's hard to invest and get hurt. It's hard to put yourself out there at all when you're afraid your voice is either not heard, not valued or plain silenced.  I know there are tons of wonderful fans out there. There have to be for this to keep going. What saddens me the most is feeling like just being me isn't enough. Jared says "You're not alone". So many days that's how I feel though . Alone in this big fandom.. I can't stop loving Supernatural or Jensen and frankly I need the fandom . I need to see the pictures and the squee etc. I literally joined Twitter because of fandom. To talk to and be accepted by fans of my show.To share something big. I DO have some very special friends in here. Some of the ones I love the most. I don't want to be fandom famous. I just want to be able to be here, say what I feel, share my own passions and not be afraid of what people are going to say that will be hurtful. I am pretty shell shocked, walking wounded right now. I'm not afraid of debate. I'm scared as hell about full on insults because I've been battling a scarred self esteem for several months. I am going to PasCon and I don't want to be in the Jensen photo ops line hearing "You don't deserve him" in my head but it's there already. The question is why don't I? Because of my looks, my age, my opinions? What makes one fan more worthy than another? Because I don't think he sees any difference. I think he sees our love for him  and nothing else. Because he still believes it's a family. Which I want to more than anything. We'll see how it goes after the con I guess. I can't and won't leave. I think I belong. To feel afraid in your family can be devastating. I am trusting I can get to the point where I feel at home here again. It may be I have to fight for it. I may have to just be a silent observer, I may have to just squee and not have opinions. I wish my illusions hadn't been shattered. I wish I was confident this is my place. I used to feel that way. I am trying to believe Jared's words....but I still feel pretty alone.  Still when it's all said and done...I love Supernatural. I love Dean Winchester. I love Jensen Ackles. They saved me. So I deserve to love them.  I deserve my twenty seconds of photo time just like anyone else. I'm betting on him thinking I do too.