More FanFiction

There's Hope

Tag to Blade Runners  (I don't own Supernatural or the boys...although I'd like to...)


Dean closed his eyes and leaned back in the seat. He ran his hands over the steering wheel trying hard not to think about the damage Abbadon's minions had caused to his baby. Suddenly he felt tired, Exhausted beyond belief, as if he could sleep for days. He had no energy left to even get out of the car. Sam looked at him from the passenger seat. He wanted to reach out and touch his brother but wasn't sure if he should. After all, he's said some fairly hurtful things. He's even said he didn't want to be brothers anymore. As soon as he's said that he'd regretted it, when he'd seen the look in Dean's eyes but at the moment he'd been sure they'd fix things right away as usual. They hadn't. Somehow today, seeing Dean with the first blade in his hand, he'd been overcome with the old love he wasn't able to express. As much as anything he wanted to comfort Dean, to tell him he didn't have to save the world alone, that they'd do it together, just like always. He waited to see if Dean would speak or move. He didn't. The quiet was very e-like. He'd always been good at keeping his feelings locked up tight. It was the absolute stillness that scared Sam. He hesitated and reached out gently to touch his brother on the arm. Dean didn't flinch or pull away thankfully. He didn't say anything either.

"Dean. Dean?" Sam tried to say more but his throat felt tight, full of tears he didn't want to shed. he took a long, deep breath and continued. "Hey man, you good?" He tightened his grip since his brother had not moved. He glanced over to Dean and his heart turned over a little when a single tear made its way down his face.  Screw it,Sam thought He unbuckled his seat belt and turned to face his brother, not letting go of his  hold on his brother's arm. Dean blinked hard and tried, willed himself not to cry. The large, warm, familiar hand holding on to him felt good. Right. Safe. He wished he could go back in time. If only he could have done the trials instead of Sam. Then there would have been no reason for the debacle their lives had become. He didn't want to but the tears came. Silent tears, no sound. "Dean, hey come on. Let's get you inside. You're exhausted." Sam was relieved when his brother opened his eyes. He looked at Sam long and hard through the falling tears. He nodded. Sam released his grip and somehow the loss of his link to Sam caused that big Sam shaped hole in his heart to open up again. Sam quickly rounded the Impala and opened the driver's side door. He held out a hand to his brother. As he took the offered hand, Dean was aware of the warmth that flooded him at once again connecting physically with Sam. He stood up and was very grateful for the support his brother was giving him. He felt as if his legs would not quite hold him up. God he was tired. Just plain fucking tired. Sam stood there, gripping Dean's wrist tight.
"Y'good? You don't feel dizzy or anything?" Sam's voice. Steadying him. Grounding him. The same voice that pulled him back when he wasn't quite sure what to do after he decapitated Sinclair.

"I'm good Sam." He wasn't but Dean Winchester had spent the last thirty five years being' good' and he wasn't able to change that now. Sam turned loose of his wrist and placed a hand flat on his back, pushing him slightly to the bunker's door. Once inside, he waited for Dean to take the rail of the stairs leading to the main floor before he took his hand away. Dean clutched th rail as the first wave of pain hit. He closed his eyes and tried as hard as he could not to cry out. His whole right arm felt as if it was about to explode. He looked down at his hand and it was shaking violently.

"Dean. Hey I gotcha." Sam rushed to his side, helping him unclench his fingers from the rail. As abruptly as it came, the pain subsided and Dean breathed in sharply.
"Son of a bitch!", he swore. He looked at Sam, a mix of receding pain and fear in his eyes. "What the hell just happened?"

"Maybe it's just some kind of delayed reaction. Like when adrenaline crashes" Ever the logical one. That was Sam. That felt right, safe too. Sam tried hard not to show Dean the panic that had started to give birth in his mind. Instead, he focused on getting his brother down the stairs." Pretty sure you're just exhausted. And a little freaked out. I would be. You just need some rest. Come on Dean". The gentle pressure between his shoulder blades, the warmth of that familiar hand, a physical connection to the one person who mattered helped Dean gain clarity once again and they started down to the main room. Neither Winchester said anything until they reached the hallway to their bedrooms. As they reached Dean's room Sam opened the door and switched on the lamp on the dresser. He went to the bed and pulled back the covers and turned to see his brother staring at nothing as he stood in the door frame. "Dean? You okay?" He knew the answer. Dean's green eyes were glassy and a fine sheen of sweat glistened on his brow. He swayed slightly. Darkness and dizziness were circling around him. he clutched the door frame.
"Sammy." It came out as a hoarse whisper before he crumpled unconscious to the floor.

His brain registered some kind of vague pain. He was trying to open his eyes but he couldn't force his eyelids open. He wasn't exactly sure where he was and this was unsettling. Even more so, where was Sam? Had he managed to save Sam or had Sinclair..? No. That couldn't be possible. Somehow he knew he'd know instinctively of Sam were..gone. Concern for his kid brother won the fight for light, he opened his eyes and almost cried at the sight of Sam, sitting in the chair he'd pulled up beside the bed, sound asleep, long legs propped up beside Dean, dark brown hair falling over his eyes. Dean knew at that moment he'd never seen anything as beautiful in his whole life. This was the way it was supposed to be in Dean Winchester world. He and Sam together. Not that in his heart of hearts he had ever meant to keep Sam for himself. He truly did want Sam to have any life he chose, to go back to school, become a lawyer or a professor, marriage, kids. He wanted them to be close again, wanted Sam to laugh freely at childhood memories, wanted to play pranks, wanted simple things like sitting down to eat and arguing over movie snacks. He wanted what happened to him to matter as much to Sam as Sam did to Dean. Dean was and always been fairly certain no one else in the world loved anyone as much as he loved Sam. Probably this was part of the troubles they'd been facing of late. Dean knew full well the danger of placing your loved ones on a pedestal. The damage done to his deepest soul when Dad died was still a dull ache from time to time. Bobby too. It was true he'd worshiped both men but that was different from his attachment to Sam. Sam had said that Dean saved Sam for selfish reasons, that he couldn't stand the thought of being alone. It was true he got a little freaked out when he thought about that. But the reality of it was Dean didn't know how to be without Sam. The year he'd spent with Lisa and Ben he had gone through the motions, he'd laughed, he'd pretended he was fine. He felt love for them. He had actually had moments of contentment. But every night as he fell asleep and every morning upon waking the giant ache for Sam was overwhelmingly present and it had all but devastated him. When the still present memories of Hell overtook him at night, he was aware that the worst part of even Hell was not being with Sam. He would sell his soul and suffer that again for Sa,. There was nothing special in own mind about Dean. But Sam. Sam was rare. Dean treasured the way Sam reminded him of John, the same dimpled smile that lit up the room and bathed you in something warmer tan sunshine. Dean admired the quickness of that huge knowledge filled brain. Sam w as everything he himself was not. You noticed Sam Winchester when he was in the room. Okay it was hard not to notice a guy who was six four but it was deeper than that. Dean resolved to give his brother space, to ask what Sam wanted, to make sure he didn't have to feel the chasm that had separated them for the last several weeks ever again. Kevin's words and the words of the ridiculous Ghostfacers had had hit home with both of the Winchesters. They had never been really good at expressing their feelings, at least Dean hadn't and as he lay there looking at  his brother's beautiful, sleeping face he made the decision to be more open, more communicative. He knew he needed to start treating Sam like an equal but sometimes it was hard to step out of the take-care-of-Sammy mode. After all for thirty one years that had been his main mission. Sam would never understand how that one assignment Dad had given him on the night of the fire had shaped Dean's life. He would never know because Dean himself could never express it to himself. Dean had spent an entire lifetime believing that if he and Sam were together, it would be alright. We're Winchesters and as long as we're alive, there's hope. Henry had said that as he lay dying in Sam's arms. Dean clung to it then and now. His reverie was interrupted as a wave of pain crept over him. The mark was suddenly dark red and a burning, throbbing sensation accompanied with the violent shaking caused him to cry out before he could stop it.

Sam jerked awake, swinging his feet to the floor. He jumped up from his chair and was sitting beside Dean in two seconds flat. He gripped his brother's shoulder tightly. Dean's eyes were closed and his teeth clenched. he whimpered involuntarily as he fisted Sam's sleeve tightly , twisting the fabric in a knot. "Breathe through it Dean", his voice was soft, reassuring, authoritative and it got through to Dean. Sam ran his hand lightly over Dean's short hair and for some reason that helped Dean more tan the words or hold on his shoulder, This was real comfort that only someone who really loved you could offer. He turned his face slightly so Sam's hand briefly cupped his cheek. As the pain subsided once again Dean opened his eyes.

"Thanks". He said it softly but Sam heard and smiled.

"Okay now?" Dean nodded. "Good.  Here."  Sam reached for a glass of water on the bedside table. He put his hand behind Dean's head and held the glass to his lips. Dean swallowed the cool liquid and felt it ease his parched throat. he pushed the glass away and tried to sit up. Without a word Sam raised him to a sitting position. "We need to find out more about this mark and the blade Dean. You were seriously out of it for awhile and I didn't want to leave you so I haven't done any research but someone knows more than we do."

Dean ran a hand down his face. "I've looked Sammy. I've searched. There's not much out there."
"Not on the Internet. But somewhere in the bunker, there has to be something. And I'm betting Crowley knows more than he's letting on. Course finding him now that he's not downing AB negative may be hard."

Dean gave him a half grin. "It's what I get for consorting with the devil. We seriously have to stop doing that dude."

Sam almost smiled back. "No joking Dean. That blade is gruesome brother. You had a hard time letting go and dropping it. Someone could get hurt. Some one who's not supposed to."

Brother. The word he's missed more tan anything. Sam was calling him brother.

"I know Sam. I have to be careful. If you hadn't...god I don't know what I've gotten myself into this time Sam. I was messed up man from what I did to you and Kevin, I, I...need your help here Sammy."

He wasn't expecting the hug.He found himself suddenly in a crushing, all encompassing Sam Winchester hug. he hugged back, held on for all he was worth. He felt the last months fade away in the intensity of the embrace. Dean clutched his brother closer, he ran a hand over the back of Sam's head, pulled even closer still. He couldn't help the tears that came. Sam felt the hot wetness on his neck and hugged Dean harder as well.

"Dean, I'm sorry. I am. I was pissed and confused and hurting. I know it wasn't me but thinking Kevin thought it was me, I mean...", he looked down suddenly not sure how much he wanted to say or Dean wanted to hear.

"Sam." Sam looked up into green eyes made even more intense by unshed tears. "Sam, it's me who's sorry. I can't help it man. You were right. But it's not just being alone Sammy. It's being without you.I've been looking out for you all your life, hell all of mine and I can't stop now. But you're not a little kid anymore and I've got to stop treating you like you are. And I will Sam. You're an equal partner in this saving people, hunting things, family business thing. I trust you Sam. with my life. But I  need to trust you with yours. And I get that you've had enough little brother treatment. I'll try to be better about that. But not trying to save you? Not gonna happen. I always will Sammy, even if I die trying. I promise I won't do it with  anything like I did with Gadreel or the deal.".

Sam nodded. "I can live with that. Maybe both of us need to change a bit, a lot. Thanks Dean. For everything. Even the Gadreel thing. I was ready to die then but I'm glad I'm alive. I am. We can do this together. I don't think you understood when I said I wouldn't save you Dean, I would. Anytime, always. I meant I wouldn't do it that way. Possession. Deals. Secrets. But Dean you're my brother. The only family I've got. I don't want to be without you anymore than you do me. We'll figure this out Dean. We'll figure this out Dean. Just like always.Okay?"

That sat looking at each other. neither one had said I love you but it hung in the atmosphere around them in a way it had not for a very long time. Dean suddenly felt tired, incredibly so, as if the weight of the last few months was gone and he could finally rest. He struggled to stay awake, to be in this moment he'd longed for with Sam. Sleep was winning. He fought against it.
Sam did smile at his brother's fight against sleep. Reaching out , he pushed Dean back down flat. "Go to sleep Dean. I've got this watch." Dean allowed his eyelids to close. he felt Sam's presence as he had not in a long time. As sleep overtook him, he opened his eyes one more time. Sam smiled again and ran his hand through Dean's hair softly again. "It's alright Dean. I'm not going anywhere." The green eyes closed and Dean gave into the rest he needed so much, Sam carded his fingers in Dean's hair for awhile. God it felt good to be close to his brother again. "I'm not going anywhere", he whispered again. And he meant it. He was where he wanted to be. As long as they were together, alive, his grandfather was right. There was hope.



This is the fic I'm most proud of. It's what I  wished had happened that night after Blade Runners. It didn't but it's still my wish that it will. Sigh.