It's Complicated...Exploring the Bromance

I've seen a pretty big discussion about shipping on Twitter this morning.And shipping as a topic of conversation in the Supernatural fandom is...complicated at best.Do I ship is the next question I am sure.First off shipping isn't just about Wincest or Destiel. Dean and Lisa were a ship. Sam and Ruby were a ship. Sam and Amelia were a ship.Sam and Jessica get shipped. I kinda think there was a Jody/Bobby ship trying to happen before he died. Dean and Jo were a ship of sorts. You see where I'm going. And here's where it gets...complicated. The term 'ship" is just a short version of the word relationship.It's mainly used to describe sexual relationships though and never more than in our beloved Winchester world. I'm not a shipper in the classic sense of the word as it's used in the fandom. I don't think Sam and Dean have now or in the past an incestuous relationship.I can never get on board with Destiel as a canon thing. Because as he says himself on a number of occasions Dean loves the "company of frisky women". He likes girls sexually y'all. We know for a fact Jensen plays him straight. He's made that clear. There's this other thing that's...complicated. It's the bromance thing.Which btw is described on Urban Dictionary as the complicated love and affection of two straight males. In this case two brothers who have this great thing between them. Remember recently in Ask Jeeves when Sam's told most families don't like each other and he quickly says "Mine does"? These boys were made to be close. John made sure of it. We know for a fact Dean's one reason for getting up everyday was to make sure Sam was safe. "Watch out for Sam Dean" "Dad you know I do". he did this so they would work like one person in a hunt situation but also because he was afraid of losing one or both of them. Now I'm not a big Dad fan. I think John did a lot of things wrong. Dean shouldn't have been the one to raise Sammy etc... but he did set up the bromance from the time they were kids. Being that all they have is each other, who else are they going to be affectionate with? And why can't guys be affectionate without it being sexual? Girls hug all the time and they aren't accused of being gay. What is about guys that makes a difference? I guess, not being a guy, I may not be able to fully understand. Is it the no chick flick moments thing? Because my baby is the one who says that and yet he has them all the time. See I think Dean said that because he wasn't sure he was  worthy of Sam's love and affection. Of anyone's. Which is sad. And so much a part of him and what many people relate to him for.I absolutely love the affection moments. I am always warm and fuzzy after the hugs.I love it when Dean cups Sam's face or runs his hand through Sam's hair.I love moments like this and yet I never think of them as sexual. Complicated? Yes. Everything about this thing is complicated. I guess the really big issue is not if I ship Wincest or Destiel but how do I feel about fellow fans who do? You know what? If that's how they see it go for it I mean seriously, I admit to shipping me and Dean!  The wonderful part about this fandom is that you can love it anyway you want it ( forgive the Journey reference!) I pretty much accept people for who they are without judgement.What I don't appreciate is when at cons fans try to argue or accuse Jensen into accepting Destiel. He's allowed to see it his way too. That brother love deal? Sam and Dean just aren't afraid anymore to let the most important person in their lives know how they feel. I kinda suspect they never were. I have my own head canon that over the last thirty years there have been a lot of hugs, a lot of tears, and a multitude of touching that wasn't sexual. It was giving and taking the affection we all need.because without it you aren't a person. That Sam and Dean thing..the looks, the touching. It's what grounds them, keeps their humanity in this ...complicated world they live in.If at the end of the day my brother still loves me, can still look at me, I'm not a monster yet.So peeps, y'all have your head canons. ENJOY this for you. It's too...complicated to argue about. But it's a gift. This show, this relationship. However you see it, it's been given to you by writers and actors who believe in the same thing you do. This complicated love and affection. This brother thing we all wish we had with someone else. This epic love story. Family is complicated. Fandom is complicated. But it's worth it.

"You're a Winchester"

"You're a Winchester". Probably one of the BEST endings ever in Supernatural. Because it sums up all of Dean's reason for living. The problem as I see it right now is he's finally reached the point of no return as far as he can see. I've never known him to be this despondent for himself. As I said on Twitter when he says he's not good or fine, it's pretty damn bad. My baby has lost the ability to see there's hope out there and it makes me feel incredibly sad. Yeah, I cried myself to sleep again last night. Dean Winchester has made a life out of surviving, just because that's what he does. He keeps going but that was when he had his family, more specifically Sam to take care of. Now that it's him that needs the care taken, he doesn't know what to do. Bless his little Winchester heart, he has no history for someone looking out for him. He's always been the care taker. Let's take a minute to say how awesome Sam is right now. He's grown up. He's not selfish or trying to get out of the life. And Henry would be proud of his grandson the Man of Letters. I should say grandsons but Dean doesn't really think of himself that way;,He thinks Sam is a Man of Letters and he's a grunt hunter which isn't true. Although he did refer to himself once as a man of letters to Magnus."...and men of letters ourselves".) The dedication Sam has displayed this season to helping Dean, curing him, saving him and plain old loving him and letting him know he does has been amazing. The hugs we're all dying for? In my head canon, they are there. Still, it'd be nice to see one right ladies? That ending really gave me hope, in spite of that vacant, lost, desperate look on my man's face in the fade to black. Sam really believes he can save Dean as surely as Dean has always believed he can save Sam. And that is what makes them Winchesters. It's not the brave acts or the hunter skills or the Bunker. It's a legacy of men who loved their family so much they were willing to die for them. I confess I used to think and say, Sam doesn't love Dean as much as Dean loves him. I realize now of course the roles they have had have influenced the way they have loved. Dean has brotherly and parental love for Sam. Sam has brotherly love for Dean. It isn't his fault Dean had to also be a parent figure.But he gets it now. He realizes that this is the time for him to step it up like never before. If he loses Dean now, he may never get him back. I have always loved Sam. I'm a Dean girl of course, but "There ain't no me if there ain't no you" and  all that. I guess what I really want to say to Sam is save him. Love him back to being Dean again, prove to him he IS a powerful force, that he can live with it if he has to. Maybe all I want to say to Sam is "You're a Winchester" because I truly believe that's enough.

Thinking About The MOC Thing....

I've been pretty affected by the storyline this season. Yes we cured Dean and that was wonderful. But he's still under the affect of the Mark of Cain. There are so many worrisome things to ponder here. First, I thought I understood it was the mark that kept him alive. If it goes do we have to then face another Dean death because after last year I don't know if I can stand it....I really don't. Poor baby he's so upset, afraid really and yet still so brave, just like he always is. The mark does some bad shit to him. All that rage. The second thing I'm wondering about is where the hell did Cain go? And if he transferred the mark to Dean, does he still have it as well? If not, how is he still alive? He still had it on his arm as best as I could tell but did the power go on to Dean? Also, third question, "the river ends at the source" Is that CAIN? Or as Cain implied Lucifer? Or as the Bible says God aka as Chuck in Winchester world? This has actually kept m awake. Probably because I live more in Winchester world than I should..sigh....All this being said, my sweet potato has a hard row to hoe ahead it looks like. I am worrried. Again. But that's Supernatural right? Sam I am trusting you little brother. You have to be the hero here. Because mine can't right now.

Who Needs Awards? It's Season 11!

It's official....my boys are back in the fall!! Season 11 is confirmed. What is surprising to me is that in spite of the squee some people are actually saying they want the show to be over so the boys, particularly Jensen can make movies. Oddly Jensen was the first of the guys to tweet saying "let's keep it going" so I am taking that to mean he's happy. Too much  emphasis is placed on what awards shows win this time of year. I really am not a voter for the awards. I have a real distaste for the PCAs which are based on how many votes are given by fans. The real award for a tv show is longevity and ratings. Which Supernatural has and they are strong ratings. What the show has that others don't is a fandom that's a family for the most part. Movies are great but I'd rather see my sweet potato and his moose brother every week than have to wait a year in between movies or more in some cases. It's their legacy. This little show thath as influenced and changed so many lives. Last year at VegasCon Jared said and Jensen too that they aren't ready to give it up. And I for one am glad. Because life without the anticipation of the boys each week to me would be a sadder, less wonderful place to be. I met my closet friends thru this show, I share a "more profound bond" with my daughter because of it and frankly, I find in spite of the tears I shed over it , a great deal more to smile about, to be happy about/. Supernatural doesn't need a shelf of awards. It's living longer than most shows could ever hope and it just keeps getting better! So Hooray for Season 11!!!!

Proud of Us Tag to Soul Survivor

Dean opened his eyes and for just a minute he wasn't really sure where he was. As he forced himself to focus, he realized he was in his own room, in the bunker. His head pounded as if he had the mother of all hangovers except he hadn't been drinking. Every square inch of him seemed to hurt and for a moment he wondered if a hunt had gone seriously wrong. That made him think of Sam of course. He pulled himself up to a sitting position and realized Sam was asleep in the chair he'd pulled up to the side of the bed, his head slumped uncomfortably to the side. Dean panicked a little when he saw that Sam's arm was in a sling. Then he remembered. The cure. The last horrible hateful exchange between Sam and his demon self. Remorse for his cruel words flooded Dean like a rainstorm, filling him with guilt he had no way to erase. He actually tried to kill his baby brother. And yet, baby brother was sleeping in a chair beside his bed, a take out cup in his good hand. Dean rubbed a hand over his face and sighed. How could he make this right? God, he thought, I blamed Sam for mom, for everything. I am a monster. He tried to stand and waited for the room to stop spinning. He crouched down beside Sam and placed a hand on his forearm.He smiled a little at the long hair falling over Sam's forehead, a sight he had seen often for the last thirty one years.He reached up and gently brushed the hair aside, wincing at the healing bruises on Sam's face, grateful he had not given them to his brother but vowing again to make sure the guy who did it paid dearly for hurting his Sammy. For a long moment, Dean just watched Sam sleep He pried the cup from his hand and placed  it next to the bag of burgers and fried pies Sam had brought back.. His brother looked exhausted. Like he hadn't slept or even really eaten in weeks. Probably hadn't much. Dean wouldn't have if the situation were reversed.Sam needed to sleep in a bed not his chair.

"Hey, Sam. " he said softly but in a commanding tone."Sammy, wake up." He shook Sam just a little , careful not to jar the hurt shoulder. Nothing in heaven or hell could make him hurt Sam any worse. Sam's eyes fluttered open and he jerked awake and hastily sat up.

"Dean. are you okay?" He grasped the hand on his arm and leaned forward.

"I'm fine.",Dean said and both of them half smiled at Dean Winchester's main line in the script of their lives. "Sam, you need to sleep in a bed man. Come on, go to bed."

Sam's eyes clouded. "But, I..." he faltered. Dean was suddenly worried. He squeezed Sam's hand back as hard as Sam was squeezing his.

"What? What is it Sam?" Sam ducked his head and looked at the floor. Dean couldn't see the tears that pooled in the green eyes but he knew Sam well enough to know this behavior. He remembered five year old Sam doing it. Whenever Sam wouldn't look at Dean, he was about to cry.

"I..don't want to leave you." He said it so earnestly, so brimming over with love and fear that Dean had to swallow a sob of his own. he rested his hand on Sam's head and just left it there until he could speak. This wouldn't do. Sam was afraid if  he left Dean, he would be gone again in the morning.

He raised himself up to sit on the edge of the bed. "Sammy. Look at me. please." Sam did and Dean had been right. His eyes were shiny with tears."Look Sam, It's alright. I'm not going anywhere. Hell I'm not sure I could walk to the kitchen right now. Go get cleaned up. Change clothes."

Sam sighed. he was tired. A shower would be awesome. "Okay. But I'll come back here and check on you okay? You should get comfortable too. Take off your boots."  Dean nodded in reply. As Sam left the room, his last reserves gave way and he couldn't stop the tears. He allowed himself to cry. He was alone and safe and somehow he was going to make it up to Sam. After a few minutes, he tried standing again and figured Sam was right. He pulled his red button up off and tossed it into the hamper in the closet. He found sweats and a clean tee shirt in the top drawer of his dresser. He sat down again and pulled off his boots which felt amazing somehow. It's going to be okay Sam, he promised.

Twenty minutes later Sam returned also in night attire, his hair still damp. Dean was under the covers, propped up on pillows, his eyes closed. Sam thought this must be the most wonderful moment of  his life to date. His brother was alive, cured of being a demon and asleep in his own bed, in their home. He decided he wasn't sleeping in his own room, wasn't sure if he'd be able to for at least a few days. He needed to be near Dean, to be able to touch him, to hear him breathe. He quickly returned to his room, gathered pillows and an extra blanket and went back to Dean's. He eased himself onto the other side of the bed, one pillow on top of the extra one of Dean's, his extra under his arm, propping it up. As he covered up, struggling with the blanket, Dean stirred. He looked over at his brother and grinned.

"Hey. Need some help?" Sam laughed a little. He did. Dean sat up and pulled the blanket over Sam. He settled back into his pillows.

"Dean? How are you feeling and don't say fine", Sam said. Dean squeezed the bridge of his nose with his thumb and fore finger. He looked at Sam.

"Head hurts.Hell, everything hurts. Tired," And guilty.I feel guilty Sammy. He decided they'd had so much drama one more chick flick moment wouldn't matter. "Sam..."

Sam turned his head. "Yeah? Can I get you something?"

"No,Sammy, Listen. The crap I said. About Mom...and you...and Dad...I didn't mean that Sam. It was just the demon part of me, trying to hurt you."

Sam smiled."I know that Dean. Listen Dean, when I said I wouldn't save you.."

Dean remembered the night Metatron stabbed him. "You lied.", he said simply repeating Sam's words.

"Yeah. Dean I'm sorry. I don't know what to say. I was ..."

Dean reached out and put his hand on the back of Sam's neck and pulled his brother's head close to his shoulder. Later he'd give Sam a real hugely chick flick hug and he wouldn't care if the whole world watched. But tonight, he felt like crap and Sam was exhausted. Sam didn't fight the "hug". He let his head fall on Dean's shoulder and relaxed, feeling five again, feeling safe because Dean was there. He let his eyelids close. Dean rested his head on top of Sam's.He started to turn out the small lamp on the bedside table and decided against it. They needed the light tonight. "Go to sleep Sam.", he whispered. As he gave into sleep himself, he again remembered the night he died. "Sammy,"he said against his brother's hair. "I'm proud of us".

On Shipping...

I admit to having a strong reaction to the 'fan' being removed from ChiCon but not because I was sorry for her or supporting her. I think if CLIF thought she was a threat then she must have been. But here's the thing. They know Destiel is out there. They wouldn't say she was a threat and ban her just for shipping Destiel. It had to be way more than that. Because even though he's a big teddy bear most of the time Clif's job is to protect the boys. So, that being said, the whole fandom war thing about shipping...I have feelings about that. First of all JENSEN  doesn't ship Dean and Cas. Maybe Misha does and if that helps him get into character, I don't care. Wincest I can't begin to explain. Jensen plays Dean straight because that's how Dean is written. He's always been interested in women. I do not think Supernatural is sexist. I think the way the boys move around so much we've seen long term relationships don't last or work. Except for Demon Dean's remarks to Anne-Marie, all we've ever seen of Dean is a kind, considerate lover who appreciates all kinds of women and respects them. There are two strong recurring females on the show in Jody and Charlie. Jody gets plenty of respect from both guys. Charlie I might add is openly gay and no one cares...it doesn't make a difference, In The Purge, Dean assures Sheriff Donna she doesn't need to lose weight, that she looks great as she is.So what's the deal? Why can't Dean love Sam as his brother and soulmate without it being sexual? Why can't he love Cas without needing destiel? I personally think it shows a hell of alot of self esteem about your sexuality if you can touch and hug people of your own gender and it NOT be implied as sexual. Think about it. The boys have lived pretty much in a an all guy world. And Dean raised Sam like he was the parent. Why would it be weird to him to touch Sam's face or brush the hair out of his eyes while he's asleep or hurt or sick? I think when it's clear though that Jensen doesn't like being asked about Destiel it really isn't respectful to ask the question. If you claim to love him, or them then why intentionally try to badger them and make them uncomfortable? This is something about fandom that escapes me...it's being written by writers who work very hard to keep it canon and in the mythology it's always had.I n the last few seasons we've seen the best writing ever. It's not being written by us. So if you don't agree, either go with it or don't. Because those of us who are 100% devoted fans til the end....we don't try to change it. I would personally never have made Dean a demon. But the show did so guess what? My baby's been a demon. And I still love every minute I get to watch. As for the Cons...what happened to Gil McKinney shouldn't have happened at ChiCon. And what happened to Jensen at JibCon and NJCon last year...NO. These people give their all to give us the best possible show and they are all decent, wonderful guys who wouldn't do anything on purpose to hurt anyone of us. So the least we can do is return that. I don't ship for the record,,,not Wincest or Destiel. I believe    Cas is  an asexual angel and Dean and Sam are straight. I don't have a problem with gayness...so no one quote me wrongly. I have tons of gay friends. I guess I've had my say. What am I trying to get across? Lay off the destiel questions to Jensen. Stop hating on people who do or don't ship. And quit complaining about the show. It muffles the squee.

Dean Winchester Is Saved!!!

The moment I held onto for 152 days happened. MY Dean is back. Sam accomplished the task like I knew he would. The moment when he shook his head and those black eyes returned to green and he said "You look worried fellas" in Dean's usual voice, I cried. I cried tears of relief, tears of joy, tears of thank you Sam Winchester. I confess I've cried a few times since. This show has my heart. yes I have a "fictional boyfriend" and yes I have been grieving over his death and demonic activities, I guess to some people that does equal crazy, Okay. I;m fine with that, And I'm a Supernatural fan so I do realize we're not done that simply. The mark of Cain still on my baby's arm, the evil still lurks around every corner.Crowley's ticked off, Metatron is still alive and there's that last little teaser...who the hell is SHE? But I do know DEAN is back. He's afraid Sam will be like he was early S9. You can see that from his conversation with Cas but Sammy, God bless him just wants to feed his brother! My Head Canon pictures Sam returning with not one but six cheeseburgers and pie..lots of it! Then I picture Sam sitting there all might watching Dean sleep...yeah I'm a sap. But it's what Dean would do in the reverse so.... We're not done. There are battles to face but for me at least when I close my eyes at night I'm seeing green, not black eyes open. And for now, that's enough. For me, Thank you to my besties for getting me through, for understanding my very real pain and guarding my broken heart all summer against DD spoilers, (I love you Batcave girls TTMAB) but mostly thank you to the writers and to the amazingly wonderful Jensen Ackles for making Dean Winchester my OTH (ONE TRUE HERO), Shout it out peeps since the angel radio is probably off: DEAN WINCHESTER IS SAVED!!