Hellatus is Hell

Let's face it. Hellatus is....hell. It's speculation, waiting, worrying and this year, mourning. Yes. I still have my breakdowns. Last night I cried over Dean for over an hour. Just went to bed, closed the door and sobbed into my pillow. I know Demon Dean excitement is high. And to a certain extent, I am excited. Jensen will be fantastic as this other side of his character. Certainly, he will be the handsomest demon Supernatural has ever seen! But when whatever great song is played...Highway to Hell maybe?...the new season will start and I won't have my DEAN. There will be Demon Dean. But that , as awesome as he'll be won't be MY Dean! So here we are at this tome of spoilers and summer cons and squees and speculations and I feel like a crappy fan because as happy as I am for my sweet potato to have this gig, I still ache over that horrible death scence. I still feel like part of me was ripped out and turned inside out. I am getting through. I'm trying to embrace him as a demon. I want to be able to. For Jensen. For the show. For everyone's excitement. And I am excited. Excited because Sam is going to save him. And there's a musical episode. And "firey demonic whatever".....mmmm. So how to get through this hell known as Hellatus? Just keep going I guess. Makes you wonder if time really does heal all wounds. Mine is so fresh still, so raw. I have so much faith in the writers, in the show, in Sam. Sam is ready for the task. He's finally a grown up. He's not as self absorbed, he realizes Dean is not infallible and that Dean needs his love and care too. So I have put my trust in Sam. I am dealing with my grief. I am focusing on what good is coming. I am supporting it all, embracing the new season. I have laughed, even made a few Demon Dean jokes. This is fantastic in tvland. 200 episodes rarely happen. They all deserve so much celebration. I'm trying. But honestly, when it gets dark and quiet, I remember... he's gone. I watched him die and now he's not the same. And I don't have a clue how to get through this   particular hell of Hellatus. He's real to me. Very real. He's my hero. So I've decided to put on my game face. Like what Frank told Dean back in Season 7 and do it with a smile. And then go back to my dark place and cry. Until it gets better. Still a pretty good chunk of time to endure. And I'm betting on no saving the boy until mid season Hellatus.....damn...more hell... I'm holding onto what Jensen himself said to me, "You're okay." Until I am. I kinda think Dean would be sad I'm crying myself to sleep ( probably Jensen as well) but since I'm pretty sure he's had his share of night time tears, he'd understand. Which is oddly comforting.  That's where I am. Enduring the hell of Hellatus until I can say "You're okay" and mean it.