Finding Peace

Tag to Halt and Catch Fire

Sam Winchester couldn’t sleep. His brother had crashed about four hours ago, worn out by the decision he’d made to not seek a cure for the mark of Cain and the drive back home. Sam however was pacing the halls of the bunker in bare feet , running his fingers through his hair and trying desperately to sleep. He’d tried watching a movie, reading, a hot shower, but sleep eluded him. All that wa on his mind was that Dean was giving up. That he’d try really hard until something awful pushed him over the edge again and then where would they be. He wanted to be supportive and he was proud of Dean for making the choice to find his own peace with the situation. There was no one he’d ever met that truly did find his peace in helping people like Dean did. This was a good thing for Dean to recognize in himself. But I’m gonna fight it , till I can’t fight it anymore .And when all is said and done, I’ll go down swinging had been haunting Sam since Dean said it. As he walked up and down the hall between their bedrooms, Sam heard his brother’s voice in his head. He remembered walking up and down these  halls after Dean died and was a demon, thinking if he could just get Dean back, he’d take care of him and not let anything bad happen to him ever again. Funny, Sam mused, I took it for granted that Dean wanted to take care of me and it’s all I want to do, take care of him, save him. He decided he needed a glass of water and maybe he’d see if they had something in the first aid kit that would help him sleep.

Returning from the kitchen, he paused at Dean’s half open door. His brother lay on his back,one arm behind his head, sleeping peacefully, not the way he’d been sleeping, tossing, turning, talking or crying out from dreams that tortured him. Sam stood there in the door and he had the feeling that this was a moment he should treasure. Dean just sleeping like everyone else did. It didn’t last long. As if his deep connection to Sam woke him, big brother’s eyes opened and he sat up alarmed. “Sammy? You okay?”, Dean said sleep still in his voice. Sam smiled reassuringly.

“Yeah Dean. I’m okay. Just can’t sleep. You go back to sleep though. Night.” He turned to go and didn’t want to, he was fighting the desire to just be Dean’s little brother again, to ask Dean to fix it , longing for just a little bit to go back to the time when he really believed all he needed was for Dean to say everything was all right and it was. That time was long gone though. They weren’t kids anymore.

“Sam.” It wasn’t a question. It was a command, a stop and turn around order . He did. Dean saw the look in Sam’s eyes, that sort of lost, I need help look he knew so well. Sam didn’t look that way so much anymore. He was pretty in control of late, but Dean knew that Sam wouldn’t be sleeping and he knew he was the cause of it and he felt guilty. “Come over here”, Dean said. Sam looked at the floor and up at Dean, hair falling in his eyes and Dean saw the five year old who’d had a bad dream, not the thirty two year old hunter . Sam trudged over to Dean’s bed and sat down on the end of it. “What is it?” Dean asked. “Me saying I was done looking for a cure?” Sam didn’t answer at first which was really Dean’s answer, but he waited.

“ Dean, are you sure? I mean Cas is looking, and …” Sam looked miserable and Dean felt bad for that but he meant what he said in the car.

“Sam, listen, I know you want the thing gone. I do too. But I don’t think it’s going to happen. I’m the one who made the choice to take it in the first place. I have to live with it, learn how to be what I made myself. It’s like I said, I have to find peace with it. It’s not going to be easy. I get that. I’m going to need all the help I can get man. But I have to Sam. I can’t live with the..”

“False hope.” Sam finished . “I get that but Dean..” His brother stopped him before he could finish.

“Sammy, I can’t. I can’t keep reminding myself I’m a monster. I have to try to start living my life again, just as me. Just Dean Winchester.”  Sam looked at his brother’s face, at the hope he saw in the expression there. At the pain mixed with the hope, saw that while he would always have the regrets, the guilt Dean wanted to move forward. Maybe ,Sam thought, hoped, he could help Dean with that. Maybe Sam really could help Dean believe in himself again. He was trying, for Sam, for himself.

“Okay Dean. For now. But if I have to, I’ll do anything to save you.” This was said fiercely and Dean chuckled. Sam reminds me of me, he thought. And suddenly that was funny. He laughed out loud.

“Why are you laughing? I mean it Dean.” Sam couldn’t believe Dean was laughing at him.

“No Sam , listen, I believe you. It’s just you made me think of..”

“Dad. I know you say that all the time.” Sam finished for him. Dad would have found a way to help Dean and Sam felt he was falling far short.

“Yes, but no. Never mind Sam.” He yawned. “Aren’t you sleepy?” He was starting to fade a little but he wouldn’t dream of making Sam spend the rest of the night alone and upset. “If we’re not sleeping, one of us better make some coffee.” Sam sighed. He did feel sleepy. A little anyhow. He didn’t want to keep Dean awake any longer, not when his brother needed sleep so much.Sam propped himself up on his elbow at the end of Dean’s bed.

“Go back to sleep Dean. I’ll be okay. I’ll just stay here a while. If that’s okay.” He curled his long legs up and pillowed his head on his arms to be more comfortable. Dean smiled. When was he ever going to look at Sam and not see the kid he raised? He knew Sam was a capable grown man but damn if  it was late at night and when Sam was hurting or upset Dean still saw the boy instead of the man. Probably always be like that,he figured.

“Come up here Sam. There’s no way you can ever get comfortable enough to sleep like that you freaking Sasquatch.” Sam grinned. Dean rearranged himself, plumping up his pillows, putting his right hand back behind his head. He yawned again. He patted the pillows beside him. Sam pulled himself up and edged his way up the bed. He stopped halfway and realized he was getting sleepy. For no reason he could think of  except he used to do it when he was little, he plopped his head down on Dean’s chest.He felt Dean’s hand come up and his fingers carding through his hair. It was comforting in a way Sam recalled from decades ago. He began to relax. He looked up at Dean and saw his eyes were closed again.Sam lay still listening to his brother’s heart beat and feeling very loved and for the first time in a long time calm and peaceful.

“Dean?”, Sam said softly.

“Mmmn?”, Dean answered, almost asleep,

Sam didn’t want to wake Dean up again but he said, “Do you think he found peace? Dad I mean?” Dean stopped sifting his fingers through Sam’s hair.

“I hope so Sammy. He did everything he could to save people. He tried his best with us. I hope so.” He resumed stroking Sam’s hair and Sam felt himself relax even more. Dean said he found his peace helping people.Sam finally knew where he found his and it was Dean. As he fell asleep knowing Dean was there, he vowed again to make sure his brother was safe and at peace.