Keeping Watch

For Priscilla because we need the comfort

Tag to 10.14 The Executioner’s Song

“Cas, Dean’s in trouble”. Sam’s words hung in the kitchen like a dense fog of ominous proportion. Cas shuddered a little at the proclamation regarding his best friend’s current state of mind. Sam looked worn out, as worn out as Dean, his from sheer worry and anticipation. Neither Cas nor Sam moved or spoke for several moments, each one deep in his own thoughts. Sam stood up and put his coffee cup in the sink, somehow the comfort he’d hoped to get from it wasn’t there.

“Hey Cas, I think I’m going to turn in too. You going to be okay?” Sam knew angels didn’t sleep but he didn’t want to abandon their friend if needed companionship. The human fragments left there often craved company. Cas walked over to Sam and put a hand on his shoulder.

“I’ll be fine. It feels good, safe here in the bunker. We’ll keep working to help Dean. Don’t worry Sam”. Sam turned and smiled  sadly at the angel.He reached out a hand and patted the side of Cas’s face.

“Easier said than done Cas.See you later.” He headed towards the door.Cas watched him go, feeling unsettled because he couldn’t heal Dean or change the situation.

“Good night Sam. Sleep well.” Sam continued down the hall without reply and the angel poured himself a cup of coffee, which he had grown fond of in his Biggerson’s travels ,took off his trench coat and sat down at the kitchen table.

Sam took the longest, hottest shower he could remember and found himself incredibly tired but not sleepy.He felt as if he should be able to sleep for days. But he wasn’t sleepy in the slightest. He walked towards his room, intent on reading something un-Supernatural for a change when he noticed the light on in Dean’s room. To Sam’s knowledge, his brother never willingly slept with the light on. Worried, Sam opened the half  closed door. What he saw made his already heavy heart more so. Dean was asleep, the light on his beside table on. But in his hand was the black and white picture of Dean and Mom and a picture of Sam, Dad and Dean. Sam knew why. It was comfort. Dean needed comforting and being Dean he couldn’t ask. I’m scared Sam. Terrified must have been more like it because Sam had been. To say I’m scared Sam  before battling the Father of Murder was one thing in Dean Winchester world but asking for comfort later was another. Once the initial falling into Sam's arms until he regained his composure was over, it was back to I'm fine guys.The cuts and bruises on his brother’s face gave him a vulnerable look that brought tears to Sam’s eyes. He wanted to gather Dean up in his arms and just hug him but he wouldn’t dare disturb whatever rest his brother could get. Dean had been through more than anyone should have since getting the mark. Hell since he’d been four years old and became responsible for Sam and yes, for Dad. Sam pulled a chair close to Dean’s bed and sat down. How many nights he wondered, had Dean just sat beside him ‘keeping watch’ as Dean said. Sam sat back, swung his feet up on the foot of the bed, reaching for an extra pillow. He gently reached out and  took the pictures from Dean, placing them on the beside table. Wondering if he should or not, he replaced the pictures by sliding his own hand into his brother’s open palm and wrapping his fingers around Dean’s, lacing their fingers together. Dean didn’t stir, instead he seemed to relax just a little. Sam slouched down in the chair so the pillow was behind his head and began his watch.

Dean opened his eyes and he swore every inch of his body was battered and bruised. He looked to his right and saw Sam asleep in the chair, his head to one side, hair falling over his face. Dean looked at their hands and tightened his own grip. Then will come the murder from which you will never recover ,Cain had said. No never. And Dean meant that. He would die first.  He’d died for Sam before. Nothing in this world, heaven or hell could make him kill Sam. Not Lucifer, not the mark of Cain. He looked at Sam and felt wetness in his eyes, felt the involuntary tears roll down his face. Don’t. Don’t wake Sammy.Don’t make him more afraid than he is already.

“He’s keeping watch”. Cas stood in the door looking less like the angelic warrior he was minus the signature trenchcoat. Dean almost laughed recalling the first time Cas had marched into his life looking like “a holy tax accountant”. Cas came to perch on the other side of Dean’s bed. He wiped away a single tear with the back of his hand.

“Cas, if something should happen to me,if I become…look out for my little brother ok? Do whatever you have to do to save Sam alright?”, Dean pleaded. He saw sorrow in the dark blue of the angel’s eyes. “Please Cas. I need you to make sure I don’t…take care of Sammy for me if I can’t Cas okay?”

Cas sighed. “I promise Dean but I don’t believe that will happen, that you will be capable of hurting Sam. You’re the strongest man I know.” He placed a hand on Dean’s arm and squeezed it hard. “If anyone can live with this, beat it, it’s you.”

“You don’t know that Cas. Not for sure.” The pain in Dean’s vice was evident.

Cas felt uncharacteristically emotional. Dean and Sam brought it out in him. But that was to be expected seeing as how he had been their guardian angel. “I do know it Dean. Because I know you.  You have more courage, more character than any other man I have ever known or known of and that’s quite a few over the years.”

Dean smiled a little half smile, “You haven’t exactly been following me around for thirty six years Cas. But thanks for the vote of confidence.” He carefully extracted his hand from Sam’s, dragging himself to a sitting position, leaning against the headboard.”How did I get here Cas?”

Cas also shifted and leaned against the headboard, sensing Dean wasn’t going back to sleep.It was so rare for Dean to open up. “I’m not sure what you’re asking Dean”

Dean turned to gaze directly at Cas.”Here. Not here as in the bunker, here as in the same thing I’ve spent my whole life hunting. Why did you save me Cas, from Hell?” Cas loosened his tie and sighed.

“Because it was ordained. You were innocent, you made the ultimate sacrifice and you didn’t deserve to be there. You know this Dean, we’ve talked about it before.”

Dean nodded. “Yeah, that’s the official angel party line. Not what I’m asking Cas.Why did you come for me?”

So he’s finally asked. “I was in charge of you. You and Sam too of course.” Cas smiled a little as if remembering something.

“In charge? In charge how? Like a real guardian angel?” Dean cocked his head with a quizzical look.

“Something like that.” Cas said, not offering too much information.

Dean continued, “Like forever Cas? Like my mom used to say, ‘angels are watching over you’?”It was something he wondered for six years.

“Yes Dean. Always.” Dean and Cas stared at each other for a long moment.”Until I betrayed you.”

“Hey, none of that. I think we’ve all three had our share of crap like that.” Dean said with conviction. Cas shook his head.

“Not you Dean. Me  and Sam, yes but never you. You have always been there for us.You are still a righteous man Dean. No matter what. You are still the one person I know who would and has laid down his life for the people he loves. That’s why I say you can beat this Dean. It’s why Sam believes in you with everything he has. “

Tears clouded Dean’s eyes again and threatened to overflow. He didn’t care. It was just him and Cas and if he couldn’t cry in front of Cas after all this time…”Cas, I don’t know if I can. I want to. God help me, I want to. I just want my life to go back to saving people, hunting things and looking out for Sammy.” The tears were flowing freely now. “It’s too late for it to be that simple

Sam shifted  and opened his eyes. At the sight of Dean’s tears, he sat up quickly. “What’s wrong? You okay Dean? Cas, is he okay?” Dean put up his hand.

“I’m okay Sam. We were just talking.” Sam looked at Cas and back to his brother.

“You don’t look okay. “ He stood up and sat on the other side of Dean, pulling him close in the hug he’d wanted earlier. He felt his brother sink into him again,lay his head on Sam’s shoulder and give into the sobs he was incapable of before , just after he killed Cain. As Dean sobbed against him, clutching his shirt in both battered hands, Sam whispered to him, “Hey, I gotcha, it’s ok. You’re okay. I gotcha.” The stayed like that for just a few minutes as Dean regained composure. The sobbing gradually stopped but Dean could not bring himself to let go of Sam.I won’t be like Cain. I won’t ever sacrifice Sam. Nothing bad is ever going to happen to you as long as I’m around. Like that’s true. I let him down so many times. But not any more. I’m watching out for you Sammy. Sam held on, still whispering reassurances, afraid to let go of Dean either. He leaned back against the headboard, taking his brother with him. Dean still clutched Sam’s shirt but less desperately now. Cas watched the brothers, wishing he could offer some kind of comfort. But all three of them knew they were facing a darker road than ever before. Maybe there was no real comfort.

There was quiet for awhile Sam whispering to Dean from time to time until he felt Dean’s hands release their grasp on his shirt. “Sam?”,Dean asked.

“What Dean?”, Sam asked in reply. Dean looked up at Sam.

“Do you still think I can live with it, maybe beat it?” There was real fear in his brother’s eyes.

Sam tightened his grip on Dean’s shoulders. “Yes. With everything I have.” There was a trust, a sincerity, almost a defiance in Sam’s tone that comforted and encouraged Dean. He sighed, relaxed, believing Sam, or at least wanting to. He disengaged himself and laid down on the pillows. He looked first at Sam, and then at Cas. He knew beyond a shadow of a doubt these two would do their best to hold him accountable, to keep him safe from evil things and yes, even from himself. The exhaustion was taking hold again. But Dean felt his fear slipping away. Because his brother and his guardian angel were keeping watch