"Screw It, I Want to believe in Myself"

Dean Winchester walks into a bar and when he's asked what he wants, this man who
s afraid of hulking out and isn't drinking currently says 'Screw it, I want to believe in myself". Because his little brother does. Because there's no one else besides Sam and Dean who can believe in him. Because he's never felt he quite lived up to the standard that would qualify him for someone's belief in him. He believed in others, his dad, Sam. Bobby, but he never quite "got" that he himself was worthy. He sacrificed all his own hopes and dreams for everyone else and as is often the case with those of us who do, it's not that the people he did this for didn't love him, maybe they just didn't say how much. Until he died for the second time and his brother finally knew that he meant more to him than anything, or anybody.Dean has become exactly what he feared most...in his mind, a monster. I say his mind because my love for him will not allow me to fault him for his demon status. I blame Metatron for that,and Crowley for leading him to Cain in the first place and maybe John for making him feel so responsible for everything and everybody. It gives me great hope that Dean wants to believe in Dean. It's a step in the right direction. He's been through more hell and back than anyone deserves and if he can have faith in himself it will be a beautiful thing. The moment I heard him say "Screw it. I want to believe in myself.", I made that my new get-through-it phrase. Last year I got my get -through-it line from Jensen himself. He told me "You're okay" and I hear his voice every time I say it to myself. ( The reason he said it has been well documented here so I won't retell) See I love and relate so much to Dean Winchester because of this same thing. I have no problem sacrificing my own hopes and dreams, my own wants and needs for everyone else.And really, I don't mind. Sometimes I feel sad but I always do what's best for my loved ones. My bestie says I'm a "loyal Winchester" and maybe she's right. I don't want to be a martyr. And I'm not. I say this because like Dean I feel a lot of the time that I fall short of quite doing enough. I feel like I have disappointed every single person I care about. More than once. I feel like I'm not quite worthy of everyone else in the world. I truly wonder sometimes if I am "real" in The Veleveteen  Rabbit sense. I love very deeply. Sometimes I don't feel I've earned deep, real love. And that's a lonely street to be on. So I get Dean. And even though some SPN buddies and I decided to make a book of letters for Jensen for VegasCon this year, I don't think I was able to say in my letter how I really feel about Dean and Jensen himself as well as the others I've read. He has changed my life more than just words can say. You can say I'm a crazy fangirl if you want to because I truly, madly , deeply love Dean Winchester. I spent the summer so deep in grief for his death and becoming a demon it can't be expressed in any language I know the sorrow and recovery I had to come through. Maybe even Jensen would think I was silly for that but I like to think he wouldn't. That he'd just give me that smile and tell me I was okay. So yeah, I dwell in Winchester world  a lot. I feel truly I have a kindred spirit there.I know like Dean, I made a ton of mistakes along the way. I've detoured my own road so far for everyone else. And like Dean, that's okay. It's family.I'd do it and will do it again and again. It's just that sense of not doing enough , of not being more, of not being able to give anything else than what I have is haunting. It draws me to Dean because I also dwell there. I don't want to. What I want and what Dean wants is to know when you lay your head down at night it was enough for today. that even when you screw up or disappoint the people you care about, you did the very best you could, and not to punish yourself for it not being maybe their best or what you perceive as best.I don't think anyone plans to fail. I sure don't.But I think some of the people I want most to please think I do. And I think maybe Dean and I are most guilty not for lack of trying but for not truly believing in ourselves, to know we've got the ability to truly be okay. I don't make New years resolutions. Too easy to break. But this...this gift from Adam Glass's pen to Dean Winchester's mouth? "Screw it. I want to believe in myself", maybe we can both do that. I hope so.