I Wanted You Back

Tag to   About A Boy

This one’s for Angie my “fake me”, my #samesies, my namesake, my soul sister who loves me for me and also loves my sweet potato Dean as much as I do!

Sam has to laugh as his brother turned up the radio. Taylor Swift? As the song fills the Impala he thinks he caught a quick flash of a smile on Dean’s face and it makes him strangely happy. He thinks they had gotten really desperate if that simple little half smile on his big brother’s lips makes him feel that ecstatic. Still, it’s better than the longing look on Dean’s face when Tina said “Everyone wants a second chance right?” If Sam could go back,  he could have just forgiven Dean on that bridge for letting Gadreel  possess him. Then none of this would be happening. In his deepest heart of hearts, Sam knows he was responsible. But drowning in guilt isn’t  the answer. He just feels relieved Dean had decided to not stay fourteen. Mark or not, he likes having a big brother. No matter how many times he’s complained about “being protected” he gets it now. He realizes where Dean’s been coming from all these years.

The song ends and Dean reaches to turn down the volume. Sam turns to look at his brother and  Dean sees the dimples that still remind him of Dad every time Sam smiles. “What?”, Dean asks and he can’t help it. He smiles back. No one can resist Sam Winchester full on smiling. And hey, the sun is shining and he’s driving Baby and Sam’s sitting next to him smiling that damn smile he inherited right off John  frigging Winchester’s face. Sam’s smile turns into a laugh. Dean laughs too even though he’s got no idea what the hell he’s laughing about. “Sammy? This a private thing or are you filling me in here?”

Sam says, “Why exactly did I believe in the Easter bunny at 11?” He’s still smiling and waiting for Dean to explain.

“And a half”, Dean says and winks at Sam.”I don’t know man. It was an Easter thing. We spent so many Easters at Pastor Jim’s and maybe you just believed it for him. Maybe because he really celebrated it. It was cute. Dumb and geeky, but cute man.”

Sam nods. “Maybe. But I didn’t believe in Santa. Because someone ruined that.” He slaps Dean’s shoulder with the back of his hand and Dean grins. “I don’t know either. Maybe I just wanted to believe in something that was good. Something not scary.” His smile fades a little and Dean hates that. He likes Sam smiling and being normal for a change. Sam falls silent but he’s not brooding or upset. They drive in silence for awhile. It’s not bad though. Not uncomfortable. Sam remembers something Dean said after he came back from Purgatory. I know where I’m at my best. Driving down crazy street with you sitting next to me. Sam knows this is where he’s at his best too. He’s overwhelmed suddenly with the need to fix everything. To find a way to get the mark off Dean’s arm.

 Dean interrupts his thoughts. “Sam, I know your life’s not been normal in any way anybody else would define it but we tried you know? To do the things other people did. It’s just Dad…he did his best. I believe that. Hell, I did too. If I could change it? Go back to that night..” He breaks off and Sam realizes he’s talking about the night Mom died. And he’s stopping that guilt trip way before it gets started.

:Hey, hey, hey. None of that Dean. You were four. You had no way to know what was coming and no way to stop it or fight it. So don’t go there. I won’t let you keep feeling responsible. You saved me Dean. I literally owe you my life and not just that time. You can feel responsible for other crap but not that okay?” He reaches over and pats Dean’s arm. Dean gives him a look, not quite a smile and nods. He does feel responsible but he’s  Dean Winchester after all.

“Hey Sam?” Dean says and his voice seems anxious. Sam looks over at him again and he can tell by the way Deans’ all tensed up he’s about to ask a question he might be afraid of the answer to He wants to make it easier for Dean so he raises an eyebrow as if to say yeah? Dean grips the steering wheel and sighs a little. “Why didn’t you want me to stay younger? I know I’m the one who made the decision. But it would have been a chance to start over, erase all the crap I’ve done, not have …” He glances down at his arm and can’t finish as if saying the mark of Cain  makes it more awful than it really is.

“Dean, I told you. I want the mark gone. I do. But I wanted you back.” He knows that de aged Dean was Dean. He remembers Dean at fourteen when he was just ten and still believed in the Easter bunny. He recalls thinking Dean could do anything, that he was a hero, brave, invincible, the best big brother in the world. He remembers the brother that would do anything for him. And he looks at Dean now and feels the same. Because  Sam knows that no matter what Dean will always be there for him. He discounts the demon part. Hell, he was soulless and Dean didn’t hold it against him. Dean grips the steering wheel harder. He can’t really understand that his brother would want him around at all after the demon thing, after all the killing he’s been doing, as Sam says “hulking out”. Part of him wants to believe they can beat this,t hat even if he has to he can live with it and control it. But he doesn’t know if he can. He’s suddenly overwhelmed and feels like he needs to get out of the car, like there’s no air and he can’t breathe. He’s gasping a little and shaking and he pulls the car over. He opens the door and bolts from the Impala, walking fast a few feet away. It’s like the whole world is spinning, like he’s on one of those playground merry-go-rounds. He’s not able to breathe at all now and he’s dangerously close to passing out when he feels two hands on his shoulders and Sam starts talking.

“Take really slow deep breaths Dean”, he says and as always for  some reason little brother’s voice helps. He’s still seeing spots and his chest feels like his lungs might explode. “Slow down Dean. In and out.” Sam keeps talking and it’s helping but the panic is still there. Sam reaches his arms around and pulls Dean up against him. Dean leans his head back a little to rest on Sam’s shoulder and starts to relax. Sam’s still talking in that calm Sam way he has and Dean has no idea what he’s saying. He concentrates on the sound of Sam’s voice rather than what he’s actually saying. And finally, he can breathe again and when he opens his eyes he’s not dizzy. He hears Sam say .”You good?” He nods, still not ready to talk. Sam hugs him just a little and lets go. He comes to stand in front of Dean. He waits until he’s sure he’s got his brother’s attention before he speaks again.

“Because I like having a big brother, because even as fanfriggintastic as you were at fourteen, it’s got nothing on how awesome you are now. Because I know that there is nothing past or present that you would put before me. Because I don’t want to lose who you are now. Because I need you. You’re all the family I’ve got and I need you Dean. That’s why I wanted you back.” Dean’s eyes get really wide and Sam’s pretty sure they’re shinier than usual and he knows Dean isn’t going to let the wetness escape but he smiles a wry little smile at the tough-guy-hide-your –feelings thing he’s seen Dean do for thirty two years now. In that way he’s an awful lot like Dad, Sam thinks.He says again, “You good?”

“Yeah. I’m good”, Dean replies and he smiles a real smile at Sam. Sam puts an arm around Dean’s shoulder and they walk back to he car. Dean tosses Sam the keys.”Wanta drive?” Sam realizes Dean’s still a little anxious as he catches the keys. As they start driving again he glances at Dean who’s slumped a little in the seat, but in a tired way, not a defeated one and he thinks to himself, I know where I’m at my best.Driving down crazy street with you sitting next to me. And that’s why I wanted you back. It’s time to get home. They have work to do.