Proud of Us Tag to Soul Survivor

Dean opened his eyes and for just a minute he wasn't really sure where he was. As he forced himself to focus, he realized he was in his own room, in the bunker. His head pounded as if he had the mother of all hangovers except he hadn't been drinking. Every square inch of him seemed to hurt and for a moment he wondered if a hunt had gone seriously wrong. That made him think of Sam of course. He pulled himself up to a sitting position and realized Sam was asleep in the chair he'd pulled up to the side of the bed, his head slumped uncomfortably to the side. Dean panicked a little when he saw that Sam's arm was in a sling. Then he remembered. The cure. The last horrible hateful exchange between Sam and his demon self. Remorse for his cruel words flooded Dean like a rainstorm, filling him with guilt he had no way to erase. He actually tried to kill his baby brother. And yet, baby brother was sleeping in a chair beside his bed, a take out cup in his good hand. Dean rubbed a hand over his face and sighed. How could he make this right? God, he thought, I blamed Sam for mom, for everything. I am a monster. He tried to stand and waited for the room to stop spinning. He crouched down beside Sam and placed a hand on his forearm.He smiled a little at the long hair falling over Sam's forehead, a sight he had seen often for the last thirty one years.He reached up and gently brushed the hair aside, wincing at the healing bruises on Sam's face, grateful he had not given them to his brother but vowing again to make sure the guy who did it paid dearly for hurting his Sammy. For a long moment, Dean just watched Sam sleep He pried the cup from his hand and placed  it next to the bag of burgers and fried pies Sam had brought back.. His brother looked exhausted. Like he hadn't slept or even really eaten in weeks. Probably hadn't much. Dean wouldn't have if the situation were reversed.Sam needed to sleep in a bed not his chair.

"Hey, Sam. " he said softly but in a commanding tone."Sammy, wake up." He shook Sam just a little , careful not to jar the hurt shoulder. Nothing in heaven or hell could make him hurt Sam any worse. Sam's eyes fluttered open and he jerked awake and hastily sat up.

"Dean. are you okay?" He grasped the hand on his arm and leaned forward.

"I'm fine.",Dean said and both of them half smiled at Dean Winchester's main line in the script of their lives. "Sam, you need to sleep in a bed man. Come on, go to bed."

Sam's eyes clouded. "But, I..." he faltered. Dean was suddenly worried. He squeezed Sam's hand back as hard as Sam was squeezing his.

"What? What is it Sam?" Sam ducked his head and looked at the floor. Dean couldn't see the tears that pooled in the green eyes but he knew Sam well enough to know this behavior. He remembered five year old Sam doing it. Whenever Sam wouldn't look at Dean, he was about to cry.

"I..don't want to leave you." He said it so earnestly, so brimming over with love and fear that Dean had to swallow a sob of his own. he rested his hand on Sam's head and just left it there until he could speak. This wouldn't do. Sam was afraid if  he left Dean, he would be gone again in the morning.

He raised himself up to sit on the edge of the bed. "Sammy. Look at me. please." Sam did and Dean had been right. His eyes were shiny with tears."Look Sam, It's alright. I'm not going anywhere. Hell I'm not sure I could walk to the kitchen right now. Go get cleaned up. Change clothes."

Sam sighed. he was tired. A shower would be awesome. "Okay. But I'll come back here and check on you okay? You should get comfortable too. Take off your boots."  Dean nodded in reply. As Sam left the room, his last reserves gave way and he couldn't stop the tears. He allowed himself to cry. He was alone and safe and somehow he was going to make it up to Sam. After a few minutes, he tried standing again and figured Sam was right. He pulled his red button up off and tossed it into the hamper in the closet. He found sweats and a clean tee shirt in the top drawer of his dresser. He sat down again and pulled off his boots which felt amazing somehow. It's going to be okay Sam, he promised.

Twenty minutes later Sam returned also in night attire, his hair still damp. Dean was under the covers, propped up on pillows, his eyes closed. Sam thought this must be the most wonderful moment of  his life to date. His brother was alive, cured of being a demon and asleep in his own bed, in their home. He decided he wasn't sleeping in his own room, wasn't sure if he'd be able to for at least a few days. He needed to be near Dean, to be able to touch him, to hear him breathe. He quickly returned to his room, gathered pillows and an extra blanket and went back to Dean's. He eased himself onto the other side of the bed, one pillow on top of the extra one of Dean's, his extra under his arm, propping it up. As he covered up, struggling with the blanket, Dean stirred. He looked over at his brother and grinned.

"Hey. Need some help?" Sam laughed a little. He did. Dean sat up and pulled the blanket over Sam. He settled back into his pillows.

"Dean? How are you feeling and don't say fine", Sam said. Dean squeezed the bridge of his nose with his thumb and fore finger. He looked at Sam.

"Head hurts.Hell, everything hurts. Tired," And guilty.I feel guilty Sammy. He decided they'd had so much drama one more chick flick moment wouldn't matter. "Sam..."

Sam turned his head. "Yeah? Can I get you something?"

"No,Sammy, Listen. The crap I said. About Mom...and you...and Dad...I didn't mean that Sam. It was just the demon part of me, trying to hurt you."

Sam smiled."I know that Dean. Listen Dean, when I said I wouldn't save you.."

Dean remembered the night Metatron stabbed him. "You lied.", he said simply repeating Sam's words.

"Yeah. Dean I'm sorry. I don't know what to say. I was ..."

Dean reached out and put his hand on the back of Sam's neck and pulled his brother's head close to his shoulder. Later he'd give Sam a real hugely chick flick hug and he wouldn't care if the whole world watched. But tonight, he felt like crap and Sam was exhausted. Sam didn't fight the "hug". He let his head fall on Dean's shoulder and relaxed, feeling five again, feeling safe because Dean was there. He let his eyelids close. Dean rested his head on top of Sam's.He started to turn out the small lamp on the bedside table and decided against it. They needed the light tonight. "Go to sleep Sam.", he whispered. As he gave into sleep himself, he again remembered the night he died. "Sammy,"he said against his brother's hair. "I'm proud of us".

On Shipping...

I admit to having a strong reaction to the 'fan' being removed from ChiCon but not because I was sorry for her or supporting her. I think if CLIF thought she was a threat then she must have been. But here's the thing. They know Destiel is out there. They wouldn't say she was a threat and ban her just for shipping Destiel. It had to be way more than that. Because even though he's a big teddy bear most of the time Clif's job is to protect the boys. So, that being said, the whole fandom war thing about shipping...I have feelings about that. First of all JENSEN  doesn't ship Dean and Cas. Maybe Misha does and if that helps him get into character, I don't care. Wincest I can't begin to explain. Jensen plays Dean straight because that's how Dean is written. He's always been interested in women. I do not think Supernatural is sexist. I think the way the boys move around so much we've seen long term relationships don't last or work. Except for Demon Dean's remarks to Anne-Marie, all we've ever seen of Dean is a kind, considerate lover who appreciates all kinds of women and respects them. There are two strong recurring females on the show in Jody and Charlie. Jody gets plenty of respect from both guys. Charlie I might add is openly gay and no one cares...it doesn't make a difference, In The Purge, Dean assures Sheriff Donna she doesn't need to lose weight, that she looks great as she is.So what's the deal? Why can't Dean love Sam as his brother and soulmate without it being sexual? Why can't he love Cas without needing destiel? I personally think it shows a hell of alot of self esteem about your sexuality if you can touch and hug people of your own gender and it NOT be implied as sexual. Think about it. The boys have lived pretty much in a an all guy world. And Dean raised Sam like he was the parent. Why would it be weird to him to touch Sam's face or brush the hair out of his eyes while he's asleep or hurt or sick? I think when it's clear though that Jensen doesn't like being asked about Destiel it really isn't respectful to ask the question. If you claim to love him, or them then why intentionally try to badger them and make them uncomfortable? This is something about fandom that escapes me...it's being written by writers who work very hard to keep it canon and in the mythology it's always had.I n the last few seasons we've seen the best writing ever. It's not being written by us. So if you don't agree, either go with it or don't. Because those of us who are 100% devoted fans til the end....we don't try to change it. I would personally never have made Dean a demon. But the show did so guess what? My baby's been a demon. And I still love every minute I get to watch. As for the Cons...what happened to Gil McKinney shouldn't have happened at ChiCon. And what happened to Jensen at JibCon and NJCon last year...NO. These people give their all to give us the best possible show and they are all decent, wonderful guys who wouldn't do anything on purpose to hurt anyone of us. So the least we can do is return that. I don't ship for the record,,,not Wincest or Destiel. I believe    Cas is  an asexual angel and Dean and Sam are straight. I don't have a problem with gayness...so no one quote me wrongly. I have tons of gay friends. I guess I've had my say. What am I trying to get across? Lay off the destiel questions to Jensen. Stop hating on people who do or don't ship. And quit complaining about the show. It muffles the squee.

Dean Winchester Is Saved!!!

The moment I held onto for 152 days happened. MY Dean is back. Sam accomplished the task like I knew he would. The moment when he shook his head and those black eyes returned to green and he said "You look worried fellas" in Dean's usual voice, I cried. I cried tears of relief, tears of joy, tears of thank you Sam Winchester. I confess I've cried a few times since. This show has my heart. yes I have a "fictional boyfriend" and yes I have been grieving over his death and demonic activities, I guess to some people that does equal crazy, Okay. I;m fine with that, And I'm a Supernatural fan so I do realize we're not done that simply. The mark of Cain still on my baby's arm, the evil still lurks around every corner.Crowley's ticked off, Metatron is still alive and there's that last little teaser...who the hell is SHE? But I do know DEAN is back. He's afraid Sam will be like he was early S9. You can see that from his conversation with Cas but Sammy, God bless him just wants to feed his brother! My Head Canon pictures Sam returning with not one but six cheeseburgers and pie..lots of it! Then I picture Sam sitting there all might watching Dean sleep...yeah I'm a sap. But it's what Dean would do in the reverse so.... We're not done. There are battles to face but for me at least when I close my eyes at night I'm seeing green, not black eyes open. And for now, that's enough. For me, Thank you to my besties for getting me through, for understanding my very real pain and guarding my broken heart all summer against DD spoilers, (I love you Batcave girls TTMAB) but mostly thank you to the writers and to the amazingly wonderful Jensen Ackles for making Dean Winchester my OTH (ONE TRUE HERO), Shout it out peeps since the angel radio is probably off: DEAN WINCHESTER IS SAVED!!

Explaining My Deanmon Feelings

I am trying to sort out my feelings about Demon Dean. First let me say: It's a fantastic storyline. Kudos to the writers. It's compelling and new and Jensen is ROCKING the part!! If the man doesn't get a PCA for Demon Dean....well whats's the matter with tv viewers? I am am amazed at his acting ability all over again. The chemistry with Sam and Crowley are brilliant. His sinister smile is disturbingly hot, But this has been difficult for me.I love that Jensen is having the opportunity. I am 200% behind the SL, the show and the writers. I AM. This show constantly surprises me and I will never EVER stop watching. Here's the conclusion  I have come to. I love Demon Dean because he's .Dean (and Jensen), I feel sometimes like I have to defend my sadness over not having MY Dean back. I know everyone wants him back. I cannot express what Dean dying and becoming a demon did to me. I had a really hard time. It took me all of Hellatus to rewatch Do You Believe In Miracles? I reacted very badly to black eyes pictures on social media. I cried more than I am willing to admit. I cried after the premier and I cried a lot on Tuesday night. I just miss him . I don't want him to be 26 year old Dean. I want him to grow as a character, I want him to change and experience and become. It's what makes him interesting. My besties and most of my Twitter followers are super loving the Deanmon. I AM TOO. But it hurts to watch. Like physically. So I've decide not to fight my feelings. That's what they are. They aren't right or wrong its just how I feel...lost without him. Sad at seeing him not love his brother or his Baby. I want him back.I really need that. I need him being Dean. For Sam For the Supernatural world, but also for me. I feel like something's missing from my reality all the time since he's gone. yes I know he's fictional. If I sound crazy so be it .I gave up being closeted about my Dean thing a long time ago. So I have enjoyed watching what the writers and Jensen have done. They are beyond even their best in the past, I just can't wait until he is back.I need that. I love Dean Winchester no matter what form he's in. But my favorite is Sam Winchester's big brother. Holding on baby...

If My True Love, He were Gone

My sweet potato SANG one of my all time favorite Irish tunes @ Torcon today. I may cry!! He played the guitar as well. Tears, Here are the words:

Oh the summer time is coming
and the trees are sweetly blooming and the wild mountain thyme
All around the blooming heather
Will ye Go lassie go
And we'll all go together
To pull wild mountain thyme
From around the blooming heather
will ye go lassie go

I will build my love a bower
Near yon pure crystal fountain
and on it I will pile
all the flowers of the mountain
will ye go lassie go
And we;ll all go together
to pull wild mountain thyme
from around the blooming heather
will ye go lassie go

If my true love she were gone
I will surely find no other
where wild mountain thyme
all around the blooming heather
will ye go lassie go
and we'll all go together
to pull wild mountain thyme
from around the blooming heather
will ye go lassie go
                                                                                                                                                               

He sings this to JJ. I love this with all my heart. It makes me happy because I was so sad after the premier on Tuesday night. Demon Dean is so empty. So not DEAN, Oh he was sexy and truly HOT but not DEAN. The sweet smile, the music, the happiness of today....I needed it. Because my true love is still gone. I think I have never felt as sorry for Dean Winchester as in Black. And yes he's in there somewhere. The guys played it well. They were spectacular. I was so very proud of both Jensen and Jared. But my heart was still broken. I miss DEAN. I want him back. I NEED him back. The grief has been too hard. It has been too real. Demon Dean had a moment I believe when he cared if Sammy was alive. It was in his eyes( Or maybe that was just Jensen not being able to not care about Jared) and I almost cried. Okay after I went to bed, I did  cry. Yes, I know Sam is going to save him somehow. This week looks like I'll have to suffer a little more. I am still holding on. He's coming back to me. To us,to Sam. It's harder than I ever imagined this fictional but truly real love could get. But it's worth it because it's Dean. It's Supernatural. So yes, I'll go for my true love....always for Dean. Where ever and whatever his story. I just need a little real Dean before anything else happens.Jensen's words are in my head...."You're okay". I'll keep holding on. But when my baby is back....watch out TWITTER, I'm going to break you tweeting DEAN WINCHESTER IS SAVED!!!

Retrospective

 Hellatus will end tonight, For 139 days I have mourned Dean Winchester. Yes he officially returns on Tuesday as DemonDean but tomorrow night we look back at ten glorious seasons of the little show that could. So  I count that as the end of our waiting. Supernatural  is celebrating ten seasons of hunting monsters, exorcising demons, and a multitude of bromoments that are the real reason we keep coming back for more.

For me it's not just the excellent writing, and we all agree the writers are some of the best television has to offer, the movie quality cinematography or even the devastatingly handsome faces of it's stars. These help of course. This show examines family, love, sacrifice and the triumph of the human spirit better than any other show ever has. It's not always the way you want to hear it, but it's there. it's been a few hard years for our guys. They've come so far since "Dad's on a hunting trip and he hasn't been home in a few days." They have grown into men who have fought more battles than anyone should have to. I miss the days when Dean was cocky and hustling pool. I miss "bitch" and "jerk" like everyone else. But the years have made them what essentially what makes me most proud of them. They have survived. They have "kicked it in the ass" and "figured it out" more times than we can count. Loss and heartache have shaped their relationship to the point it came to 139 days ago. They were united. They were proud, they were openly loving to each other, they were being the Sam and Dean we all wanted to see. I trust in that love with all my heart. I am so thankful for Supernatural. I found it when I needed it the most. It brought me closer to my daughter than ever before, it brought me the three best friends a girl could ask for-they are my family that doesn't end with blood. ( Batcave babes: "There ain't no me if there ain't no you"!) It gave me a sense of connection to something, It gave me a hero to believe in, a place to belong.

So yeah, looking back at The Road So Far, I'm proud of this show. Proud of the writers, the fans who are so loyal, and sooo fucking proud of Sam and Dean and Jensen and Jared.
Season 10 promises to be the best we've seen so far. Sam, I'm trusting you to bring my boy back!

Let's all forget the things we may not like...I don't like Dean being a demon! ,and join together as a fandom and celebrate how far we've come and how far we can go. See you at the Retrospective. We survived Hellatus...the worst one so far. I'm proud of us.

130 Days Reflecting on Brotherly Love

 It's been 130 days since my hero died. I rewatched  Do You Believe in Miracles? again and I made it through. It was still awful. I cried and no I didn't sleep well that night. But. I noticed a lot of things I missed in the tension before. Like when they put Dean in the dungeon, he argues with Sam and Cas but you can see he's almost relieved to be taken care of. A rare Dean trait,that rarely shows up. Also, he hesitates when Crowley asks if he wants to get rid of the mark. It's written all over his face he does but in true Dean fashion he goes with the mission, "I want Metatron." When Sam catches up with him, he tries to tell Sam he's sorry, again in a stumbling Dean fashion. He knocks Sam out yes, but to protect him once again. He gently picks up Sam's arm and as he rearranges it over him, he pats him and lingers just a second to look at Sam, just in case it's the last time. When Metatron stabs him, the look of shock on his face is terrifying. I guess I was too busy screaming "NO, NO, NO!" the first time but there is a moment when you can see he realizes this is it. He tries to fight back and for once in his heroic life he doesn't. When Sam says, "I lied", he responds in Dean Fashion, "Ain't that a bitch", but the expression on his face was My little brother really does love me. I think it's what prompted  "Sammy, I'm proud of us".  This hurts but I think he felt it was okay to let go if he knew it was okay between him and Sam. He felt loved enough finally to just fall against his brother and give up. That being said, I believe in that love. and when my Dean comes back, I think it will be his touchstone, remembering those moments. I'm counting on that brother thing to save them, to restore balance in Supernatural world. It's been a hell of a Hellatus. I have grieved for most of those 130 days. I'm better. I'm actually excited about Demon Dean because I know he's going to be alright. Who knows what else S10 has in store for us? I know I'll be there no matter what. Because I really and truly love Sam Winchester's big brother.

1. 
   

Carry On 110 Days and Counting

It's been 110 days since the worst Supernatural moment ever happened.
My hero Dean Winchester died.  For 110 days
I have worried about getting him back. I know
that Demon Dean is not going to be relatively
short lived but I must admit as excited as I am for
Season 10 to begin I still dread my Dean not being
there. It throws off my sense of well being. Of
that security that big brother is in charge. Now
I am not delusional.  I know Dean is a fictional
character. But he represents all that is hope and
family and love.He is a unique character that
is every man. He means more to me than I can
verbalize. I found my fictional boyfriend by accident.
He was already a whole fandom's hero before I
discovered him. And I found him at a time when
I was most vulnerable.  I was at  cross roads in my life
and I did not have a partner or a rock to lean on. And
there was Dean embodying so many if my same
struggles. And I fell irrevocably in love. So my
grief over losing him was REAL. I am still not over
it. I need to have him back. The October start
date isn't when my guy comes back. When he's not
Demon Dean I'll start to properly heal. If I'm crazy
then I am. But I have been holding on 110 days
and I'll keep on until he's back....and forever.  Because
It's DEAN.

..."Be kind"

I guess it's inevitable during the con season for people who don't go to the current con to be a bit , for lack of a better word, jealous of those who do. Supernatural fans are incredibly passionate, especially when it comes to whichever boy they love best. I am fortunate to have con plans this season. Some of my closest
friends just returned from VanCon where they were able to spend a week after the con. I'm not going to lie. I'd have adored to be there. But reality dictates I may not actually ever have a schedule that allows me 2 weeks off to play in Vancouver. I am glad my friends did. They shared their experiences with me and they had a great time. I guess the reason I am writing this is I've noticed there seems to be a sense of  competition in the fandom. To be seen as super fans or better fans. I have three Supernatural besties and we aren't jealous of one another. But one of my followers made the comment that people who attend make her feel bad as a fan since she doesn't think she will ever be able to attend one. I guess what I'm trying to get to is summed up in a tweet to a fan by our own Jared Padalecki..."be kind" (he wasn't saying she was mean let me clarify). There's a way to squee that isn't bragging! I have from time to time struggled with the "better fan" issue. I've come to realize even if I were not lucky enough to have actually seen and touched Jensen Ackles it doesn't mean I'd love him or the show any less. That's a cherry on my sundae but it doesn't mean I'm not as good a fan as the people who can take the time to do multiple cons. It doesn't mean I am less appreciated as a fan by cast and crew.So if you're tweeting your experiences,be kind. If you're wishing you could go to a con, be kind. Fandom is to unite the fans, not tear them apart. What matters is, we all love this show and these guys!

Social Media and Hate.."Not on MY Boys You Don't!!"

It's Jday at VanCon! One of my besties is meeting the guys for the first time and I am happy for her! I seriously want to be there. Hugging Jensen...but I'm not. I'm following it on Twitter and thru my two buddies who are there. And what I'm concerned about is people tweeting hate to the Supernatural cast and writers. I have said this so many times before but here it goes one more time. If you don't love it and accept it the way it is, you can change the channel!!!  I don't usually comment but I told a particularly rude person saying hateful things about Jared to please stop. She replied "dude, we're just having fun...I often insult people I love....it's how I roll.' You insult people you love?? I reported her for being offensive and abusive for several insulting remarks on her page. Then some B*%#@H says the show and one of the writers was bigoted.Again, DON"T WATCH if you are unhappy.I am very happy with my show and I am very attached to these writers and LOVE these actors. I think it's just plain wrong to tweet hate and especially to @ the stars/writers in your tweet. They are working hard. They are people with feelings and families and friends. I am not a fan of many shows but I'm not tweeting hate to them or their writers.And most Supernatural fans are as protective as I am. But I'm just saying, if you are abusive and you show up on my TL, talking about my boys, I WILL report you and block your mouth.

Of Fangirls and Cons

It's coming up on VanCon and while some of my nearest and dearest are going, I am not. I wish I was. I'm all ticketed and booked for VegasCon but 204 days until that wonderful party starts seems a long way off in the light of this weekend. It makes me feel a little sad and left out. You know, until my own big deal Supernatural gig comes up. It made me stop and reflect on cons and what they do for a fangirl.Creation Entertainment does a great job of giving us exposure to our stars. I remember saying "It's a once in a lifetime thing." YEAH RIGHT. Barely 4 hours in I was so addicted and coming back next year! Cons are special. They have a this-is-the-only-real-world feeling. Nothing outside the hotel really matters. Because in "real" life there is no Supernatural, no chances to hug up to Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki, no basking in their glory. But more than that, there is a community. It's easy to feel isolated and not really believe there are actually people out there as crazy as you are. I mean social media helps but seeing and feeling that energy really confirms you belong to something more than words can express. Look, I know cons are expensive. They just are. But it's worth it. You don't have to start gold although you'll want to after you experience it. Start with General Admission or preferred seating if it's a better deal for you. They have a new copper level for Vegas this year that is like preferred seating plus. I have gotten a lot of tweets from fans who see my icon and say Oh you met Jensen! I never will. I really encourage those fans to start saving up. There are so many ways to experience the Cons. There is something so special at being able to be involved in this community. It's the stars yes and they are ALL inspiring wonderful folks, but it's the other fans, the shared experience that hypes you up. It shows you the devotion every single person attached to this show has. As a fan you will feel loved and appreciated . You will laugh and enjoy it more than I can tell you. There will be tears but they are bonding and you'll probably hear something kinda like your own how-Supernatural-changed -my-life-story. You'll see stars hugging people, hear them thank you for taking a picture with them.( If you're like me and the Jensen Effect hits you really hard, and you can cry but not speak, you might have the experience of him telling you it's going to be okay and not let them move you along until you are, all the while patting you and looking at you right in the eyes with concern.) It will be something that validates your whole fan girl life. It's like  religious pilgrimage.

When I go to VegasCon this year I will have close friends to share it but last year I knew exactly two people when I went and one of those was my daughter. So. One other friend who I only knew from Twitter. But everyone was talking to each other as if they had known each other forever.It was incredible. And for the record? My Twitter friend? SO one of my best friends in the world and mainly because we connected on Twitter about going to a con. My point? Try to do it y'all. At least once. (if you are strong enough to say once.) You won't regret it. Then you'll be waiting to hear from your pals as they go the ones you're not at! But if they're as fanfriggintastic as MINE they'll make sure you're covered with con fun!!

Day 86

It's been 86 days since my fictional boyfriend died. I still feel the loss. I rewatched  Blade Runners this week and I cried. What has happened to that cocky sweet boy who loved his father, his brother, his car , burgers and pie? Why did life have to treat him so harshly? All he wanted was a home, a mom, a nice girl to love and kids of his own. Instead he lived 30 years in crappy motels and his beloved car, lost every person he ever loved and survived more injuries than any person should have to. And yet he still hung on. He still felt he did more good than bad and he still would do anything to save his brother. He rid the world of countless things of evil, saved the planet once or twice and with little or no thanks form heaven or hell. Sometimes with no thanks from the people he loved the most. He did love and deeply. He shied away from "chick flick" moments and yet he cried and touched and hugged and was  not ashamed when it happened. He literally spent his life taking care of his little brother.So why would a boy like that deserve to die so brutally? He didn't. The fact that his last words were to praise his brother and admit his own worth is almost more than I can bear. I know he'll be back. Somehow a boy like that with a brother like the one he raised will be saved.It has to happen. I am counting down the days.I will embrace the Demon Dean story. It's Dean, and he's still somewhere. But the day I will celebrate is the one where I can tweet Dean Winchester is saved...again! I miss my boy. I miss that smile and the dreamy sweet look in his eyes. It's been a hard year plus 86 days for me and my guy. But I/m holding on. Until we see this Dean again:

Demon Dean...Oh MY!

Comic-Con has come and gone and with it a delightful interview or two or three or four... with some very delightful and attractive, okay drop dead gorgeous men! We saw the gag reel snippets and laughed at Jared's Castiel antics. 

We`also saw a very scary and disturbing Demon Dean and Sam clip of the episode Jensen directed. I watched it. I watched it again. And the damn thing has haunted me ever since. I watched in horror as Demon Dean swung an axe at his little brother.An axe! And I said out loud to the screen, "Baby! What the hell are you doing?" Oh my. That's what I kept saying out loud to myself. I am terrified. I saw the excitement of Jensen and the cast and I am so very happy he is up for the challenge and I know he is going to be fanfriggintastic. How could he NOT? It's Jensen! "Come on!" He's excited. My nearest and dearest Supernatural sisters are excited. And I'm.....terrified. Totally. I am proud of ten years. I am completely supportive of the writers and the storyline. It's my show. I know it's going to be alright. But I cried again last night y'all. I miss that boy. I want my man back.( As the song says, "I can't help loving that man of mine." ) 71 days have passed since he died in Sam's arms. 69 until we see him for the first time as Demon Dean. I'll be there. I'll love him for who and what he is. It's DEAN however twisted he's become. But I'm pinning a lot of hope in little brother. Sam, it's your biggest test babe!! 

This morning I watched Swan Song on TNT. And it as usual destroyed me. Such love. Such looks exchanged with no words spoken that conveyed the words. We knew Dean loved Sam, that Sam loved Dean.  I knew that love when my sweet Dean said to his brother, "I'm proud of us". And I am trusting we will see that amazing love again. We simply have to. It's the Winchesters. It's what they do. Get through the hard stuff and save the lost one.  I am holding on baby. Waiting for the day when we get you back, when everything is restored to it's proper balance and you are not Demon Dean....you'll be Dean. I'll hold on because I'm proud of you.

Howling At The Moon

So Demon Dean is living it up with Crowley in Vegas and doesn't as my sweet potato says, "give a shit about anything" and "making up for lost time" ? Well that actually sounds....pretty fucking amazing and well....adorable. Maybe I can survive the Demon Dean adventures after all. I don't want him portraying pure evil, killing everything and everyone in sight. If he's just bad in the uber Dean Winchester badass way....perhaps I'll make it.

Don't get too excited. I am still pretty torn up. I want my man back as he was y'all. So bad it hurts. And God knows it does. But the look on Jensen's face on the recent AccessHollywood interview. Well, I could eat him up and if Demon Dean's just going to be a devil may care rogue run amuck then I can grab onto the hot. For a time.

Dean Winchester is more than a handsome guy. We all know that. He's a hero not just because he's saved the world countless times. He represents family, keeping the faith, fighting the faith....home. He's suffered more than anyone should have to and he keeps on doing it because he is the embodiment of brave, and faithful and true. 

Let him have some fun. He deserves it.Lethim go howl at the moon. Let me see some "firey demonic whatever" but let him come back as everything he is, worthy and heroic and well....my heart. Because he is just that.

Hellatus is Hell

Let's face it. Hellatus is....hell. It's speculation, waiting, worrying and this year, mourning. Yes. I still have my breakdowns. Last night I cried over Dean for over an hour. Just went to bed, closed the door and sobbed into my pillow. I know Demon Dean excitement is high. And to a certain extent, I am excited. Jensen will be fantastic as this other side of his character. Certainly, he will be the handsomest demon Supernatural has ever seen! But when whatever great song is played...Highway to Hell maybe?...the new season will start and I won't have my DEAN. There will be Demon Dean. But that , as awesome as he'll be won't be MY Dean! So here we are at this tome of spoilers and summer cons and squees and speculations and I feel like a crappy fan because as happy as I am for my sweet potato to have this gig, I still ache over that horrible death scence. I still feel like part of me was ripped out and turned inside out. I am getting through. I'm trying to embrace him as a demon. I want to be able to. For Jensen. For the show. For everyone's excitement. And I am excited. Excited because Sam is going to save him. And there's a musical episode. And "firey demonic whatever".....mmmm. So how to get through this hell known as Hellatus? Just keep going I guess. Makes you wonder if time really does heal all wounds. Mine is so fresh still, so raw. I have so much faith in the writers, in the show, in Sam. Sam is ready for the task. He's finally a grown up. He's not as self absorbed, he realizes Dean is not infallible and that Dean needs his love and care too. So I have put my trust in Sam. I am dealing with my grief. I am focusing on what good is coming. I am supporting it all, embracing the new season. I have laughed, even made a few Demon Dean jokes. This is fantastic in tvland. 200 episodes rarely happen. They all deserve so much celebration. I'm trying. But honestly, when it gets dark and quiet, I remember... he's gone. I watched him die and now he's not the same. And I don't have a clue how to get through this   particular hell of Hellatus. He's real to me. Very real. He's my hero. So I've decided to put on my game face. Like what Frank told Dean back in Season 7 and do it with a smile. And then go back to my dark place and cry. Until it gets better. Still a pretty good chunk of time to endure. And I'm betting on no saving the boy until mid season Hellatus.....damn...more hell... I'm holding onto what Jensen himself said to me, "You're okay." Until I am. I kinda think Dean would be sad I'm crying myself to sleep ( probably Jensen as well) but since I'm pretty sure he's had his share of night time tears, he'd understand. Which is oddly comforting.  That's where I am. Enduring the hell of Hellatus until I can say "You're okay" and mean it.

My Hero

Dean Winchester is my hero. I've never made a secret of this
and I have been VERY open about my grief and mourning
because the fictional love of my life died. I posted something
on my FB page that prompted a family member to
say "I don't get it".Never mind that I have another family
in the fandom that DOES get it. I am not writing this to defend
my feelings for Dean, Supernatural or my addiction to
both. This is my attempt to explain that Dean Winchester is my
hero because he has touched my soul. I relate to this
fictional but very REAL character. I understand the
things he feels better than anyone will ever know
(except Angie, Elizabeth, and Jilly)andI make
no apologies for this.I get Dean because I understand his
life experience. Not exactly. I'm not a hunter.
but his struggling with self worth, his quest
for real love, his dealing with too much
responsibility. I get all that. He's more than just the
most handsome man in the world, Supernatural or
otherwise. He's the rock. The cornerstone.  The guy
that makes you want to keep going. The one
who makes it okay to cry, the one who gives
unconditional love. He's changed me, made me feel
okay about ME. He has no idea and neither does
the wonderful actor who plays him.
But if my family and acquaintances want to laugh
or shake their heads or think I need to get
out more, that's alright. It's not their life, it's not
their love, their hero. But he's MINE.
I have spent 53 days mourning my
lost love.And I'm counting on his little brother to
find a way to bring him back (and at NO risk to Sam
PLEASE). We've been thru a lot. But I'm holding on.
Until we figure it out. Just like we always do.

For Better or Worse

We are deep into Hellatus. I have had some time to work through some of my feelings. I have had a really hard time with the finale of all finales known as Season 9. Yes, I grieved and cried maybe more than I'm truly ready to admit. I doubt I will ever be able to watch that episode as a rational, sane person. I admit it. As my very dear friend says, "I am in a long term relationship with a fictional character." So how am I coping? With a  lot of help from my SPN friends, with a lot of re-watching, a vast amount of happier fan fic and a lot of looking forward to VegasCon! Also, hugging a special little Dean look alike doll made by my friend Jilly. I still cry, especially at night. I still want to beg the writers to give me my Dean back, at least soon. (Episode 2 is not too soon for me!) But here's what I know....even if he stays a demon forever, I'll still be in love with Dean Winchester. Do I want that? No! I shy away from all black eyed pictures, am not a fan of the "posters" going around on Twitter. But here's the biggest lesson you learn from Supernatural....you love people they way they are. That goes for the characters and well for us, the fans. I don't always agree with everyone's ideas about what should happen but I respect their right to love the show and be excited about what gets them. I won't stop loving Dean if he stays Demon Dean. But if I get one wish this season....please give him back to us. He's our hero. He's the rock we count on. We need him the way he was. So, to my fictional boyfriend... I love you for better or worse.....I do. But if Adam and Robbie read this....PLEASE....give him back with pretty green eyes....

Holding On For Dean

Holding on for Dean has become my hellatus mantra. Because ever since my hero died I cry myself to sleep. I dream about what happened like a replay or I dream about what my heart wishes had happened. And so when I wake up I tell myself I am holding on for Dean. I have to believe we'll get real Dean back. (And for the record, I still love Demon Dean because he's Dean but i want my Dean back.) I have to keep faith that Sam will come thru. That he will save his brother and restore all that's good in Winchester world. i have to believe this because this is my alternate universe. uase I need to believe this to keep going.I have had real grief over this situation. Time has helped. I am able to function again. I get thru the days. I laugh and make jokes and do ordinary things. But at night it comes back to haunt me. I know there are those who think I'm crazy and I don't care. This grief has been so real to me. Sometimes it is still so raw I can't believe it. Fortunately, I have the greatest Supernatural family there is. And these are not my biological family (except my daughter Lindsey who is the Sam girl to my Dean girl)These are forever friends I'd have loved anyway if we hadn't been connected by our love for all things Winchester and this fanfriggintastic little television show. The fact that we are connected by SPN is the ice cream on Dean Winchester's pie. I know I'd never have survived hellatus so far if not for Lindsey, Angie, Elizabeth, Jilly and Amy. Ww are lucky to be US. I am holding on everyday for my hero to return. And I know he will. It'll be hard I am sure but he's worth the wait!!

Hellatus Thoughts

Last week the unthinkable happened
Dean Winchester died in his brother's arms after being brutally stabbed by
being brutally stabbed by Metatron. Before he died our hero
said to Sam "I'm proud of us" . I ain't gonna lie
folks.  That episode did me in. I was simply not
okay. I felt in those last five minutes that I had
really lost someone I loved. And I have.  I lost
Dean Winchester. My hero. The cocky boy who
drives a hot car and saves the world. The sweet
big brother who would move heaven and hell
to save his brother. The man who doesn't realize
that in saving Sammy and the world, he saved ME
So where do I go from here? Because the fictional love of
my life is dead and reborn as a demon. I am truly grieving
as in real grief. I am crying and losing sleep.  I am plagued
with nightmares. I am consumed with thoughts of
why? I am basically devastated. And yet I am amazed
at Supernatural. I am still so on love with this show. It has
given me hope and courage and sometimes enough
meaning to keep going a little while longer.I have
experienced denial, anger and bargaining:begging
the writers to fix my broken heart. So I
I'm stuck here in the depression stage. So broken
and unsure if what's going to happen. Fortunately for
me I've been blessed to have some of the best
friends I've ever had thanks to my boys and social
media.And we encourage each other.We're lovingly
getting each other through.We say we're proud
of us because we are. We are a little Supernatural
family. And if not for them I'm not sure I'd have
made it to this side of the week. I have no idea
where we're heading. I know I'll love Dean demon
or not. I want him back so bad it physically hurts.
And I am not looking forward to those emerald
green eyes going dark.  But he's still Dean so hr
gets my heart. Once upon a con the very beautiful and
awesome Jensen Ackles held me close and said very
softly to a visably shaking and crying me "You're
okay". I'm not right now but I hear him say that
and I working on it.

Just a little Mother's Day ficlet...

Remembering

“Sam, could you please just stop.”, Dean growled. Sam looked up from his research with a surprised look. He hadn’t been aware he was doing anything to stop.

“Sorry? What?”, he asked. Dean gave him an eyebrow raise and look that clearly meant dude-you-know-what-you’re-doing. But Sam didn’t. He refused to let this go.

“Dean, what? What was I doing?”

“Beating on the  table? How do you expect anyone to get anything done?”

"You Okay?" This was dangerous territory where his brother was concerned.

“I’m fine Sammy.” Ah. The typical Dean answer which could mean anything from I’m fine to I’m near death here but I don’t want you to know. Sam put his pencil down and stood up. He walked to the coffee pot. “Ok. Just checking. You need more?”, he asked holding up his cup. Dean responded by holding his own cup out to Sam without reply. Sam moved to take it and Dean looked up, their eyes locking for just a moment and then Dean returned to his research. It could be a long day, Sam thought to himself. He filled the cups, added cream and sugar and placed Dean’s by his elbow. He returned to the laptop on the other side of the table. Dean reached for a folder and the coffee cup went flying and crashed to the floor, splattering Dean as it went. He jumped up.

“Son of a bitch Sam!”he snarled. He moved to the sink to grab a towel and began gingerly picking up broken mug pieces. Sam jumped up and tried to help but Dean snatched a large jagged shard  up before San could reach it.

“Dean, I’m just trying to help.” He reached for the towel and again Dean snatched it away.

“I don’t need any help !” Dean was angry and in that growled response Sam heard, at least not from you. He tried to remember how Dean had felt recently about things he’d said and decided to not listen to that inner voice. He stood up to get another towel and as he took a step away his brother hissed and swore under  his breath. Sam turned back to see blood pouring down Dean’s arm.

“Dean!” He dropped to his knees beside his brother and grabbed the hand before Dean could pull it away. He opened it up and removed the shard of ceramic coffee cup to reveal a long jagged cut. It was bleeding badly and he knew it hurt because Dean was breathing rather rapidly. “That’s going to need cleaning and stitching bro.”

Dean nodded. “Yeah”. He tried unsuccessfully to get to his feet. Truth be told he felt a little dizzy. Sam slipped an arm under his right elbow and pulled him upright, guided him to a chair. He took the towel in his hand and pressed it to the cut.

“Hold that.” He directed as he left the kitchen for the  first aid kit. Dean pressed the towel to his left hand and tried not to look at the blood. It reminded him suddenly of his right hand being covered in blood after killing Abbadon and then other bleeding moment memories began crowding in. He closed his eyes and rested his head on the table. He just didn’t want to walk down memory lane.Not today. Don’t remember Dean. Don’t remember. He kept repeating this to himself silently, grateful when Sam returned.

Sam pulled his chair close to Dean’s. putting the first aid kit on the table. He rested his hand on the back of Dean’s neck and squeezed.”Hey, you with me?” Dean picked up his head, revealing pain filled green eyes.

“I’m here. Just a little dizzy.” He allowed Sam to remove the towel from his hand, wincing as it was cleaned with peroxide and sat patiently as Sam began to stitch. He could focus on that. He wouldn’t have to think about anything else. He’d give anything to not remember, to not feel. So he focused on Sam’s small neat stitches and pulled himself together.

“All done. Ten stitches Dean. At least it’s your left hand.” He gently dabbed antibiotic cream over the cut and covered it with a bandage. He returned the supplies to the kit and closed it with a snap. He then jumped up and finished cleaning up the spilled coffee. Then he filled a glass with water and handed it to Dean who was still quiet along with two painkillers. “Take those.” Dean swallowed the pills and drank some of the water.

“Thanks Sammy”, he almost whispered. “I’m sorry. Shouldn’t have yelled at you.” He got up and patted his brother on the shoulder with his good hand. “I think I’ll lie down for a little bit.”

“That’s a good idea. I’ll wake you up for lunch.” Dean nodded and left the kitchen. Sam finished cleaning up and as he stopped before putting the trash in the can. He glanced at the calendar. Crap.Mother’s Day. Generally Sam tried to divert his brother’s attention when this day rolled around. He remembered how Dad refused to acknowledge it and frequently left them at Pastor Jim’s that weekend. No wonder Dean was so short tempered. Thirty one years of being cheated out of having mom around still wasn’t easier for Dean. Sam could be okay. Sam didn’t know  the difference. But Dean remembered and all Dean’s memories were deep. Sam washed his hands and dried them on his jeans as he hurried to his brother’s room. He knocked on the door frame but got no answer. Dean was lying on his side, cradling the hurt hand close to his chest and Sam’s heart hurt a little at how young and sad he looked. He walked to the opposite side of the bed and crouched down. He realized tears were flowing down Dean’s face. Tucked under the hand his brother was holding was the old black and white photo of Dean and Mom. Sam touched Dean’s face gently stopping tears from falling.

“Dean. I’m sorry.I forgot. I didn’t mean to. It’s just it doesn’t mean the same thing to me, you know?”

“No. I’m sorry Sam. I just tried so hard not to think about it. About her. I’m afraid, she …might…not …be…”

Sam sat down on the bed close to Dean. “Might not be what?” he asked starting to card his fingers through Dean’s hair.

“Might not be …proud of me…” That Dean thought this broke Sam’s heart. How could he fix this?

“Dean. Of course she would. You are brave and you’ve done way more good than bad. And I know she’d be so proud of how you have always taken care of me .Because you have  Dean. I didn’t know Mom. I wish I did. And Dad. He ..didn’t. .. it was you who was everything Dean, both parents. Don’t get me wrong. I loved Dad. And I’m sure he did everything he could, as best he could. But Dean, God everything a mom was supposed to do for school. Or making dinner…everything. You just took over and did it. From the time you were four years old. I’m not saying I didn’t wish I had a mom, a regular family. I did. You know I did. But I never felt unloved or not taken care of. Hell, I even had you to rebel against. You were the most  over protective parent ever man. Not proud of you? Don’t go there Dean. Of course she would be.”

“Sammy? Are you trying to wish me a happy Mother’s Day?” Sam noticed the trace of teasing in his brother’s voice. He stopped stroking Dean’s hair.He slipped back down to a crouch so he could look at his brother’s face.

“Yes Dean. I’m wishing you a Happy Mother’s Day. For everything.” He smiled and because Dean could never resist those dimples, he smiled back.

“Thanks Sam”he said. Sam reached for the picture and they looked at it together for a minute or two.

“Dean, I know it hurts to remember .Because she’s gone. But I think maybe if you do remember instead of burying it, it’ll make it easier. And you can keep the good and maybe get past that night.”

Dean looked up at Sam from the picture. “You may be right little brother. Maybe I can do that sometime. But not today. Today I’m just thankful I have you Sammy. You’re my whole fanily. “ Sam grasped Dean’s right hand.

“I know. Dean she loved you. “

Dean squeezed Sam’s hand tight. “She loved you too Sam. “

“I know.I do. Because you never let me forget.”

The brothers stopped talking and looked at the picture again. Dean looked back at Sam . He didn’t know what they were facing in the future but Sam was here with him. And it was enough. Memories of Sam suddenly flooded his mind, in rapid succession.Dean realized he could remember things and not be sad or hurt. He closed his eyes, still holding his brother’s hand. Thamk you Mom, he thought, thank you for Sam.

 

 

 

 

A Couple of Fanfics for my Fandom Sisters Angie, Elizabeth, Jilly and Amy!

Midnight Musings (tag to 9.19)

 

Dean paced around the kitchen. It was midnight but he wasn’t really tired. It had been awhile since he’d been able to really sleep. He opened the cabinet and pulled out the Jack Daniels bottle. It was half full, or half empty since he’d drunk it. He held it, thinking if he drank it he might be able to sleep. This routine, these nightly visits to the bottle while Sam slept weren’t helping. What the hell is wrong with me?, he thought. After Bobby died when he used the booze to numb the pain, at least he finally went to sleep But not now.  He felt restless, caged, unable to relax. And there was the other thing.

“It seemed to me like maybe you enjoyed it a little too much.” Sam standing there, almost saying “I’m worried about you” but not.  Dean knew intellectually it was true. Not enjoying so much as simply not caring. It was instinctual, the killing of the vampire. It was feral. Protecting his own. Protecting Sam. Protecting Jody. He took no pleasure in it, he didn’t feel happy about it. He’d said he did. It was plain old Dean bravado in reply to Sam. He was stronger which  both scared and exhilarated him. He was precise. No margin for error. He was angry enough to make hunting effective, he was driven. He was busy so why the hell wasn’t he tired? Physically he should be exhausted. Emotionally he must be because he wasn’t feeling remorse . Not like Dean Winchester usually did. There was still this overwhelming need to protect Sam. That would never, could never go away. It was so much a part of who he was that to lose it would be to lose who  he was entirely.

Dean sat the bottle on the table. Why bother when it wouldn’t help. He truly wanted to go to sleep. To have a normal restful night. He ran his hands through his hair in frustration. He walked towards the bedrooms, turning off the lights as he went. He stopped at his brother’s open door. Sam was on his back, one hand tucked behind his head, the other holding on to a book that was upside down across his stomach. The light on the bedside table was still on. Dean smiled. How many times had he come across this same scenario in the last thirty years? He crossed the room and gently took the book out of his brother’s hand. He closed it and placed it on the table. He turned off the light and adjusted the comforter. For a minute he stood there just looking at his brother. This is what Dean Winchester had always lived for. Sam, safely sleeping. All the crap they’d seen and done, this had been his main mission. Dean sat down in the chair beside the bed. He leaned forward, head in hands, resting his elbows on his knees. He wasn’t sure what was up with him. He didn’t know what was going to happen. He wished more than anything it had never come to this. All this darkness he was feeling. But sitting here watching Sam sleep, he still knew this was his number one responsibility. No matter what else happened, he had to take care of Sam. It didn’t matter if Sam   saved him, it didn’t matter if Dean died,he’d done that before. Sam still had to survive. Dean slouched back into the chair. He put his feet on the edge of the bed. He didn’t close his eyes because he wasn’t sleepy but he did, without realizing he did it, reach out towards Sam with the hand closest to the bed. Like he’d done for forever, just I case Sam needed him while he slept. God he wanted to sleep so badly. Instead he just sat, watching Sam.

Sam stirred softly. He realized the book was gone and the light off. He opened his eyes to see Dean in the chair. “Dean? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing Sammy. Just go back to sleep”. Dean barely recognized his own voice it was so deep and gravely.

Sam sat up slowly. “When was the last time you slept Dean? Really slept?” Dean shrugged.

“Not sure.” Sam swung his feet out of bed, stood and crouched in front of Dean. He gripped the open hand that had been reached out to him, placed his hand on the opposite wrist.

“Why don’t you just lie down? At least you could rest.” Dean blinked. Maybe . Sam pulled gently on his hands, got him to his feet. He pushed his brother down on the bed. And reached down to take off his boots and covered him up. He returned to the other side of the bed and crawled in. He placed a hand on Dean’s arm. “try to sleep Dean. Please. You need it.”

“Okay Sam .Go back to sleep.” Sam plumped his own pillow and sank back down. Dean lay there wide awake  listening to Sam’s breathing. He didn’t sleep but he did relax just a little. Even if sleep didn’t come, and he doubted it, he was where he needed to be. He looked over at Sam again. He traced the mark on his arm. He knew something about the damn thing was changing him, making him different but he knew in his heart of hearts, nothing, nothing would change how very much he loved and needed Sam. It wasn’t possible to change that.

This is for my personal SPN Family Angie, Elizabeth and Jilly. It’s just a little H/C fluff but… we love that!  I love you girls TTMAB!! (Borrowed the first little bit from The Real Deal  by Ridley C. James which you can find at hunterstomb.popullus.net)

Being  Real

“Pastor Jim?”, Dean said softly.

“Yes Dean?” The pastor leaned forward in his chair. Dean’s green eyes were bright with unshed tears, unusual for the stoic ten year old.

“When will I be real to Sam and Dad?” It broke the pastor’s heart to hear this boy asking in a ten year old way, “When will they love me the way they should?” Jim, because he was always honest, just like the Skinhorse sighed.

“I don’t know Dean.” He brushed his hand over Dean’s short, soft blond hair. “I don’t know.”

Dean pulled the sleeping form of six year old Sammy closer to him. “That’s okay”, he mumbled as he fell asleep, “they’re real to me. That’s all that matters.”

 

Sam filled a glass with  water and headed back to his bedroom. It was dark and quiet in the bunker. He couldn’t sleep. The events of the day had him more than a little concerned. He’d found Dean in the warehouse with  Gadreel, his hands bruised and bloody. He’d totally beaten up a frigging angel  with his bare hands. No easy feat. Cas had hurt Dean on more than one occasion so Sam knew the strength of angels. He paused just shy of Dean’s door. Something wasn’t right. Sam could sense it. Lately he had a sort of sixth sense about Dean. He knocked on the door. “Dean?”he called. No answer.  Sam waited a few seconds and opened the door. Generally he would not enter without permission but he was worried about his brother. He stepped in to find Dean curled into himself, clutching one of the pillows as if he were in great pain.. Sam sat the water glass on the dresser and hurried to the bed. Dean burrowed further into the pillow and Sam realized why. Dean was crying. Not just tears, silent and terrible weeping. Sam’s heart ached when he realized Dean was sobbing into the pillow so he wouldn’t disturb Sam. He reached a hand out to touch Dean’s bicep and pulled gently on it hoping his brother would look up. He didn’t. The anguished sobbing continued.

“Dean, hey. Look at me.”, Sam whispered, leaning over closer to his brother. As he leaned his elbow hit something flat and hard and he reached beneath the covers to pull it out. An ancient, well read, hard back copy of The Velveteen Rabbit. Sam brushed his fingers over the faded cover of the book. He remembered all the countless times Dean or Pastor Jim had read this book to him. That Dean had kept it all this time touched him deeply. He stroked Dean’s hair . “Dean, what’s up with the book man?” Again no answer. Just  sobbing. Sam couldn’t take it. He felt tears well up in his eyes as well.  Sam didn’t ask. He simply crawled into the bed and and wrapped his arms around Dean. He felt Dean relax his shoulders a little against his chest. The sobbing slowed a little. Dean reached his hand up and covered Sam’s with his. Sam ran his free hand over the cuts and bruises on the knuckles of Dean’s hand.

“Whatever it is, can you tell me?” Sam asked, no pleaded. All he wanted was to take away the suffering. Dean shook his head.

“It …doesn’t ….matter”, Dean said between shuddering sobs. Sam leaned forward and rested his head on the top of Dean’s.

“No, It does. Whatever it is, it matters to me.”  He hugged Dean even tighter. He didn’t speak. He just held on, waiting for the crying to stop. Minutes passed and Sam realized his brother was still. He wondered suddenly if his brother had fallen asleep. He pressed his cheek to Dean’s. “Dean?”

“Sam”, Dean said in a raspy, tear filled voice. “You remember the striga?”

Sam sat up a little. “Yeah. You killed it. Saved that kid’s brother. Why?”

Dean sighed deeply. “That night. That night it came after you. Dad was mad. I mean really mad.”

Sam pressed his head back close to Dean’s. “Maybe he was just scared Dean.”

“No. He was totally pissed. He grabbed you up, threw us in the car, high-tailed it to Pastor Jim’s and…he just…” Dean’s voice trailed off. But Sam remembered what his brother said that night when he told Sam the story. Heard Dean saying Dad, he just never looked at me the same again.”  He waited for Dean to continue.

“Dad.. in the car…he said ‘Your brother is your responsibility Dean. It’s the one thing I ask you to do. Take care of Sam. And tonight Dean you screwed that up. Do you understand how important that is?’ Then …he ..didn’t ..say anything all the way to Jim’s. Didn’t say goodbye. Nothing.”

Sam felt a tear leave his eye and run down his cheek. “Dean, you were what? Ten? That was a lot to pin on you.”

 

“No Sam. He was right. I screwed up.But that’s the night I realized….I’m not real.”

Sam was confused. “Dean what? What does that mean?” Then it hit him. Real as in The Velveteen Rabbit.  Loved so much your fur fell off . Real to the one person who loved your fur off.

Is it painful?, the rabbit asked. Yes , said the Skinhorse. But it’s worth it.

Suddenly Sam realized why Dean was crying, None of the great making-people-real-love he’d given had been returned. At least not in the way Dean needed it. Sam knew Dad loved Dean. Sam did too. So much it hurt.But no one made a habit of telling him, showing him. All the sacrifices, all the times he gave up what he might have dreamed or wanted were all secondary to the need to be real for Dad, to Sam, to take care of his family.

“I just keep screwing it up Sammy. Over and over, and all I kept trying to is make sure you’re okay, safe. I’m sorry Sam. I’m so sorry.”

Sam kissed the top of his brother’s head which he couldn’t remember doing ever, but it felt right, and said softly. “Dean. You haven’t screwed it up. I know I’m the boy who abandoned the rabbit.”

“No Sam. It’s all on me. I keep on screwing it up just like Dad said. I’m afraid I can’t …ever be real. Not like that. How could I? I mean the crap I’ve done? I don’t know where all this is going. I’m…afraid  of….this thing, with the mark and Abbadon. I just wanted to make up for it all. And I know I can’t Sammy. It’s too late for that.” Sam realized Dean was crying again, not sobbing. Just silent tears. He felt the wetness fall on his hands as he continued to hold his brother close.

Dean, listen, “Sam said, his mouth close to Dean’s ear. “You are the realest person I know. You have always given way more than you got. I’m really sorry Dean. I should have told you  I love you more often. So should Dad. Please Dean believe this. I would not be anything, if not for you. I wouldn’t be alive if it weren’t for you. And no matter what I said on that bridge Dean, I’m glad I’m alive and I’m glad I have you. Not real? I’d say you skipped the rabbit and went all the way to the skinhorse.”

They lay there close and safe and quiet for awhile. Then Dean said, almost in a whisper. “I don’t know about me being real Sam, but you were always worth it.”

“So were you Dean”, Sam said. Neither Winchester made a move to let go of the other and Sam knew he’d stay there all night just to let his brother know just how real he was.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fandom Friends

I have experienced something through Supernatural I have not before. Not only does the show speak to me, but I'm not alone in that! I have actually, thanks to the magic of social media found real friends in fandom. See if you're addicted to a television show to the level I am, most of the people you interact with on a daily basis think you're pretty much, to quote Dean Winchester, "cuckoo for cocoa puffs". They will stare at you and kind of nod and as my tweep Elizabeth says go "You're in love with who? But he's a fictional character..." They can't really be blamed. They just don't get it. It's not a fault they have, it just limits me from being me. Because ever since I accidentally fell in love with Supernatural and Dean Winchester, a huge part of who I am is ....Supernatural and Dean Winchester. So I've been thankful to find some special Dean girls out there in twitter world to share my Winchester journey with. It's quite wonderful for me to be able to able to say "God, I'm so worried about Dean" and have someone else tell me they are too. The other night when a headache and some speculations on twitter had me breaking down I confessed to my girls and they were like "let us worry about Dean tonight" and I will tell you, no one I see every day would say that to me.Nor would they watch an episode long distance with me to make me feel better. I've been way more blessed by Supernatural than just having a show to watch. I've found community, sanity, acceptance....family. because as Bobby Singer told us all a long time ago, "Family don't end with blood"

 Regarding Negativity

I love this show. I do. I am committed so deeply I cannot begin to express it. I tweet about it. A lot. Daily, A lot daily. But I have never, ever complained or belittled any of it. I cannot understand why anyone would spend literally hours out of their day being miserable . But I've been noticing a growing rebellion of so called "fans' who rant on and on about characters, writers, producers and storylines and I can't help but wonder if it makes you so angry and hurt why keep watching? Now I think everyone should be watching. But to say you're glad ratings go down and you hope they keep falling or to make a writer take a twitter break because you're bullying him...doesn't make you a fan. It makes you a complaining ..bully. I truly get my own feelings hurt when characters and actors are attacked on twitter. It hurt me deeply when Adam decided it was too much. I hated Beliebers hating on Jared. I cry and defend Jensen and Dean when they are hated on. I worry when I see Cas referred to as TGDA . I don't like negative speculation about what's going to happen. I think the thing that upsets me the most outside of the hating is the "fans" that say something as if someone at the show has given them the 411 when the reality is... it's their own head canon. Now this sounds a little negative, But here's the thing...for a whole bunch of us Supernatural is as Adam so eloquently put it "one of the best things to happen to me". We like sharing our fears, tears, joys and squees. We don't enjoy being unhappy in our fandom. One of the reasons BATB beat us for PCAs is the fact that they are not a divided fandom. Sam girls and Dean girls and Cas girls need to live in harmony. I love them all. As well as a certain Trickster...and a lost prophet or two and a devil and a king of Hell. So I'm going to continue being positive. I am supporting my show, my boys, my writers and producers. Because it makes me happy. My friends in this fandom make me happy because they share my joy. I'm not engaging in negativity anymore. If that means unfollowing, I will. This means too much to me and lots of others to be dwelling in the purgatory of fandom. It's my little slice of Heaven. So.

A Love Letter to Adam Glass and other SPN Writers

There was a lot of negativity yesterday addressed to our writers and in particular to Adam Glass. A few folks took a statement from an interview that Adam clearly stated was a joke and proceeded to run wild with negative posts, and hateful comments. I don't get this. This people are looking for something to tear apart. Adam Glass has given us some of the MOST beautiful episodes on Supernatural. "Bad Boys" in particular and "Mother's Little Helper" stand out to me right this minute. He is very careful to put both Sam and Dean in the most positive light even in bad circumstances. And YES. He GIVES BOTH OF THEM POV! The POV comments are driving me crazy so I know they are the writers! Adam has expressed his admiration for the fandom and his desire to give us the best possible show over and over. AND HE HAS! I guess it's true you can't make some people happy. But I am. Happy with my show. Delighted the writers care so much about the characters. If you're feeling negative don't take it out on the folks who are devoting their lives to giving you the gift of these beautiful characters. Either you love or you don't. Watch or don't but let the rest of us enjoy it without your issues. Adam, you and the other writers have my undying love and support 100% of the time. I'm just one person in millions and my humble opinion may not count but it's here. So THANK YOU Adam from the bottom of my heart for what you do. It doesn't go unappreciated.

A fan fic :)

 

 

Thirty Eight Hours

(I don’t own these men. Kripke does. Caleb and Mac belong to Ridley. I just play with them from time to time. Brotherhood AU. T  With Dean’s deal coming due in less than 2 days, everyone’s feeling a little emotional.)

 

Dean stood on the bank of the pond. Time was running out. He had barely forty eight hours before the contract  was up. He was terrified. He was alone in this. Nothing Sam and Caleb could glean from the wealth of the Hunter’s Tomb was going to save him. No. He was going to Hell. He stood in the sunshine letting it warm his face, looking out at the water. In less than forty eight hours, he would have hell hounds upon him and he would never see Sam or Caleb or Mac or Bobby again. He would never know what it was like to stand here on the farm, listening to the water and the animals, the dogs barking. Two more sunrises and then nothing. He would do it again. Sam was worth it. He realized now that the deal would hurt Sam too. That Sam was just as scared as he was. The difference was that he was certain Sam could get through this, could go on living without him. Unlike Dean who could not have lived without Sam. Everyone else would be up soon. They would all be trying last ditch efforts to save him. Or pretending it would all be okay and God knew how much he loved them for that.  Dean knew he should go back to the house, be there for the rest of his family but he needed the chance to breathe fresh air, to hold onto the sunshine, to be able to remember it in the depths of Hell.

“Duece?”, Caleb’s voice was full of concern. “You okay?” Dean smiled to himself before turning to face his best friend. All of them asked him fifty times a day if he was okay.

“As okay as a guy with less than forty eight hours to live is Damien”. He tried to be lighthearted. It only served to provoke Caleb. The older hunter roughly grabbed his friend’s jacket jerking him closer to him.

“ Damn it Dean! Can’t you be serious just for once in your life? Can’t you just look me in the eyes and admit you’re scared? That you’re freaking terrified of what might happen?” Dean looked into his friend’s red rimmed eyes and saw the absolute sorrow reflected in the amber orbs. He placed his hands on top of Caleb’s and released himself from the older man’s grip.

“Calm down man”, Dean said, no sarcasm in his voice. “ I’m sorry . I am afraid Caleb. I don’t want to go to Hell. But I did it for Sammy. And I’d have done it for you too. You’re my brother too. You know you are. But Damien, nothing’s going to save me now. You and Sam have tried. You looked up and into everything possible. So did Bobby, so did Mac. But it’s over man. I can’t be saved.” He held up his hands, palms open and shrugged. Caleb noticed the defeat in the gesture and it ripped him to his core. Dean started walking towards the house. Caleb had no choice but to follow. He had an overwhelming desire to be as close to Dean as possible. How would he be able to say all that needed to be said? So much had been left unsaid, all their lives. Growing up here together, living within the Brotherhood, they had an unspoken love, so deep it was indescribable. But Caleb needed to voice it. He put a hand on Dean’s shoulder.

“Deuce. Please.” The pain in Caleb’s voice made Dean stop. He could feel every emotion from his friend. The distress Caleb was feeling, Dean knew it. It was his connection as Guardian to the Kinght. He touched the silver ring on his right hand. He turned to face Caleb and was shocked to see tears streaming down  his best friend’s face. “ I need to say this Dean. While it’s just you and me.”

Dean nodded. He knew these speeches from his loved ones were coming. He steeled his own emotions and waited. It took several attempts before Caleb could speak. “Go on.”, he allowed. He freaking did not want to cry. Shit why did it always come back to having to admit how you feel?

Caleb took his wrist and jerked him around to face him. He was rougher than he wanted to be. On the contrary he only wanted Dean to know how much he had meant to him all these years. A quarter century this kid had been his little brother. How did you put a lifetime into a few sentences spoken before the one person you love most in the world is gone forever, because he sold his soul for the one person he loved most in the world? It didn’t bother Caleb that Sam was Dean’s priority. He knew without a doubt he came a close second on the love list.  “Dean, I would give anything, even my own soul, my own life for you not to have to do this. Please let me keep looking. Try to find a way out.” Tears gathered in his eyes and clogged his throat. He clutched Dean’s jacket lapels. “Please little brother. I’m not ready to let you go. Deuce I love you. You can tell anybody I said it out loud. Damn the chick flick stuff. I do and to lose you is like losing me. What are we going to do? Me and Sam and the others, how are we going to get up on May third and act like nothing’s wrong?”

Dean closed his eyes. He gripped Caleb’s wrists and squeezed. “You don’t. You get up and try to deal with it. You take care of Sam for me. And Bobby and Mac and the farm. And you wait until you can stand it and you find another Guardian. And that’s how it’s got to be Damien.”

Caleb shook his head. “No .No Dean I can’t.” Tears were falling unheeded and he didn’t care.

Dean smiled at his best friend. He reached up and wiped the tears away with the back of his hand. He cupped Caleb’s face on both sides and forced him to look at him. “Nothing else to do man. I’m tired of fighting it. I did it, I’d do it again It’s on no one but me. And I love you Damien.” He hugged Caleb close. They stayed that way for awhile. It seemed funny to Dean how he didn’t shy away from physical contact anymore, even craved it. He didn’t pull away first. Caleb was showing him his broken heart ,the least Dean could do was try to keep it together. Caleb finally stepped back.

“Y’good?”, Dean asked him. “They’ll be up. Looking  for us. Making sure I’m okay. God I have never been asked that so many times in my whole twenty eight years of living. Seriously Caleb, I need to keep it together for Sammy you know. And tomorrow, needs to be about him. It’s his birthday and I don’t want him to spend it thinking about me dying.”

Caleb threw his arm around Dean’s shoulders as they headed towards the house. “Doubt he’s gonna forget it’s the day you die Dean. I wouldn’t make a big thing of us trying to forget .We won’t.”

Dean leaned into Caleb a little. “What if I want to forget it?” Caleb stopped walking. Dean’s eyes filled up with tears then.”What if I just want to pretend it’s just Sammy’s birthday? God I’m scared Caleb. I don’t want to go to sleep  tonight. I don’t want to miss one second of living. But I don’t want Sam to know I’m afraid. Please help me keep it together man.”Dean admitting he was truly afraid was so rare it made Caleb shiver involuntarily.

Caleb gripped his shoulders hard, pulling him back in close. “Okay. We’ll play like it’s just another day . Today anyhow, can’t make any promises about tomorrow Deuce. Don’t wander off again though . Stay close.”

“I needed to see the sun rise on the pond, feel close to Jim you know? I don’t want to be alone Damien. I want to be with you guys.” If you only knew what it feels like, he thought. To know you’ll never see these people and places that mean so much, the people and places that had shaped who he was. The two hunters stopped walking when they reached the back steps. Dean turned to face Caleb.

Mac had been watching them watching them walk across the yard through the kitchen window He looked at the brave men they had become. Bobby   came to stand behind him, placing a hand on his shoulder. “Funny “ Mac began, .”Those two represent the best a secret order fighting Evil has to offer and all I see is two boys. Boys who had nothing in common but losing their mothers and fathers who were hunters. And yet they literally became brothers.” Bobby sighed. His own heartache over what Dean had done could not be expressed. Both of the hunters found they could not move, could not stopping watching , making a memory of this moment for later.

Unaware of the older men watching Dean looked directly into Caleb’s amber eyes. Caleb into emerald green ones. They stood there as if memorizing every detail of the other’s face. As if either could forget it. There would be goodbyes tomorrow but they would never be alone together again like this. They were too close to the house to lose it Dean thought, But suddenly he was .Panic engulfed him, surrounded him, cut him to the core. He felt as if everything was spinning, moving too fast. He felt sick and so damn scared. He reached out a hand to Caleb as his knees gave out and he started to fall. Caleb caught him under the arms. He gently sank to the ground beside his best friend. Dean clutched the front of Caleb’s shirt with both fists. “I gotcha  Deuce. I gotcha . You’re okay. You’re okay.” Caleb held Dean close as they sat there on the ground. When Dean’s sobbing started he rocked back and forth with him, whispering words of comfort.

Mac and Bobby forced themselves to stay rooted inside, to give the boys space to grieve together. Both men never realized they were shedding tears of their own. Sam came into the kitchen and looked out at his brother and Caleb huddled on the ground rocking back and forth. He pushed past Mac and Bobby and ran down the steps. He reached Dean and Caleb and dropped to his knees beside them. He reached both arms around them, and the three of them were connected.  Sam dropped his head on top of Dean’s listening to Caleb’s reassurances, ”It’s okay. Breathe Deuce. That’s it, It’s okay ,Sam and I gotcha.  Shh,..” Slowly as he felt their love surrounding him, Dean started to regain control. His brother and his best friend continued to hold him. Tomorrow might

be the day hell hounds ripped him apart but today he was surrounded by more love than any man had a right to and for today, that was enough. He let go of the panic and the fear and  found he was able to focus again. Caleb stopped the rocking and just held on. Sam sat up and ran his hand over Dean’s hair. He felt their despair at not being able to save him. He tried sitting up. Caleb and Sam released him and they sat there side by side. Silent.

“Hey, I’m okay.” And he laughed .Really laughed. .Full body, head back laughing  Laughed because he couldn’t count how many times he’d been asked that over the course of this year. Laughed because Dean Winchester and Caleb Reaves had just lived through the biggest chick flick moment in history, Laughed because Sam Winchester was dumbstruck that his brother could laugh at a time like this.

“Damn it  Deuce, what the hell’s the matter with you?” Caleb growled. He brushed himself off and looked up at Dean.

Dean laughed again, “Hell Damien. That’s what’s wrong with me.” He stood up and held out a hand to his brother, pulling him up to his feet. He held out the other to Caleb who allowed himself to be helped up as well. Dean threw an arm around both of them.  Pulled them close to him.”But that’s not today.” He pushed them towards the house. Inside Mac and Bobby hastily moved to begin preparing breakfast. Caleb and Sam looked at one another over Dean’s head. They had all day today and tomorrow to save him. And they knew they would try, Dean did too. As they reached the door he turned to face them. The two faces of the two people he loved most in the world were looking back at him with so much unspoken grief and love.

“I’m okay.,” he repeated .He opened the back door. Motioned for them to go in. Then followed them. Caleb grabbed a coffee cup, poured coffee, Sam opened the refrigerator and pulled out orange juice, filled a cup. Bobby was setting the table, Mac scrambling eggs. The others greeted one another and the Guardian of The Brotherhood leaned on the counter of his kitchen watching his family.

I’m okay and I need you guys to be too. Caleb looked across the kitchen at Dean. He’d heard the unspoken request, reading his friend without permission and he knew Dean knew it. He winked. Dean nodded and moved to join them. He glanced at the clock. Ten o’clock. Thirty Eight hours. He would treasure all thirty eight for eternity.