Saving People

I stumbled into a conversation on Twitter of a girl who was talking suicide. Her friends were doing their best to reassure her. She seemed pretty desperate, even told them how she was planning to do it. It went minute by minute and it stopped and I found myself crying. I'm no stranger to suicide..not m personally but someone I really truly cared about with my whole heart committed suicide. This did not appear to be one of those Twitter hate things we're all so worried about...just ...life was hard. And it occurred to me that these were all Supernatural fans comforting her. I followed her to kind of keep watch and I'll tell you I am concerned because there's been nothing for over an hour. I pray someone intervened and she's ok. Saving people is the theme of our show. It's something we see from the brothers but also we hear countless stories from fandom that this show saved them. I get this. I do. because it saved me. I was at a point where I felt I mattered to no one, was a complete failure and at a cross roads of where my life was going. I wasn't suicidal. I was just lonely and sad. Then there was this show and these characters and some fandom friends and things got better. It wasn't really that simple. It still isn't. I struggle every day with my image of me and who I am. I do. And I've been accused of using the show to escape reality. Yes and no. Yes sometimes it's easier to just hid in their world. But no because so often, I find a way to get back in the game from that world. My real point here is to say It's a Winchester thing...."as long as we're alive, there's hope". If you see your fandom friends are down, encourage them. If it gets really bad enlist their other friends. This fandom has so much more to share than ugly tweets about which characters you love/hate etc and silly nicknames cast members have for each other, it's about being family.And as our very wise Uncle Bobby said, "Family don't end with blood". I'm going to check in with my SPN besties and let them know I love them. I hope everyone else will do the same.And maybe find a few new friends along the way.

Keeping Watch

For Priscilla because we need the comfort

Tag to 10.14 The Executioner’s Song

“Cas, Dean’s in trouble”. Sam’s words hung in the kitchen like a dense fog of ominous proportion. Cas shuddered a little at the proclamation regarding his best friend’s current state of mind. Sam looked worn out, as worn out as Dean, his from sheer worry and anticipation. Neither Cas nor Sam moved or spoke for several moments, each one deep in his own thoughts. Sam stood up and put his coffee cup in the sink, somehow the comfort he’d hoped to get from it wasn’t there.

“Hey Cas, I think I’m going to turn in too. You going to be okay?” Sam knew angels didn’t sleep but he didn’t want to abandon their friend if needed companionship. The human fragments left there often craved company. Cas walked over to Sam and put a hand on his shoulder.

“I’ll be fine. It feels good, safe here in the bunker. We’ll keep working to help Dean. Don’t worry Sam”. Sam turned and smiled  sadly at the angel.He reached out a hand and patted the side of Cas’s face.

“Easier said than done Cas.See you later.” He headed towards the door.Cas watched him go, feeling unsettled because he couldn’t heal Dean or change the situation.

“Good night Sam. Sleep well.” Sam continued down the hall without reply and the angel poured himself a cup of coffee, which he had grown fond of in his Biggerson’s travels ,took off his trench coat and sat down at the kitchen table.

Sam took the longest, hottest shower he could remember and found himself incredibly tired but not sleepy.He felt as if he should be able to sleep for days. But he wasn’t sleepy in the slightest. He walked towards his room, intent on reading something un-Supernatural for a change when he noticed the light on in Dean’s room. To Sam’s knowledge, his brother never willingly slept with the light on. Worried, Sam opened the half  closed door. What he saw made his already heavy heart more so. Dean was asleep, the light on his beside table on. But in his hand was the black and white picture of Dean and Mom and a picture of Sam, Dad and Dean. Sam knew why. It was comfort. Dean needed comforting and being Dean he couldn’t ask. I’m scared Sam. Terrified must have been more like it because Sam had been. To say I’m scared Sam  before battling the Father of Murder was one thing in Dean Winchester world but asking for comfort later was another. Once the initial falling into Sam's arms until he regained his composure was over, it was back to I'm fine guys.The cuts and bruises on his brother’s face gave him a vulnerable look that brought tears to Sam’s eyes. He wanted to gather Dean up in his arms and just hug him but he wouldn’t dare disturb whatever rest his brother could get. Dean had been through more than anyone should have since getting the mark. Hell since he’d been four years old and became responsible for Sam and yes, for Dad. Sam pulled a chair close to Dean’s bed and sat down. How many nights he wondered, had Dean just sat beside him ‘keeping watch’ as Dean said. Sam sat back, swung his feet up on the foot of the bed, reaching for an extra pillow. He gently reached out and  took the pictures from Dean, placing them on the beside table. Wondering if he should or not, he replaced the pictures by sliding his own hand into his brother’s open palm and wrapping his fingers around Dean’s, lacing their fingers together. Dean didn’t stir, instead he seemed to relax just a little. Sam slouched down in the chair so the pillow was behind his head and began his watch.

Dean opened his eyes and he swore every inch of his body was battered and bruised. He looked to his right and saw Sam asleep in the chair, his head to one side, hair falling over his face. Dean looked at their hands and tightened his own grip. Then will come the murder from which you will never recover ,Cain had said. No never. And Dean meant that. He would die first.  He’d died for Sam before. Nothing in this world, heaven or hell could make him kill Sam. Not Lucifer, not the mark of Cain. He looked at Sam and felt wetness in his eyes, felt the involuntary tears roll down his face. Don’t. Don’t wake Sammy.Don’t make him more afraid than he is already.

“He’s keeping watch”. Cas stood in the door looking less like the angelic warrior he was minus the signature trenchcoat. Dean almost laughed recalling the first time Cas had marched into his life looking like “a holy tax accountant”. Cas came to perch on the other side of Dean’s bed. He wiped away a single tear with the back of his hand.

“Cas, if something should happen to me,if I become…look out for my little brother ok? Do whatever you have to do to save Sam alright?”, Dean pleaded. He saw sorrow in the dark blue of the angel’s eyes. “Please Cas. I need you to make sure I don’t…take care of Sammy for me if I can’t Cas okay?”

Cas sighed. “I promise Dean but I don’t believe that will happen, that you will be capable of hurting Sam. You’re the strongest man I know.” He placed a hand on Dean’s arm and squeezed it hard. “If anyone can live with this, beat it, it’s you.”

“You don’t know that Cas. Not for sure.” The pain in Dean’s vice was evident.

Cas felt uncharacteristically emotional. Dean and Sam brought it out in him. But that was to be expected seeing as how he had been their guardian angel. “I do know it Dean. Because I know you.  You have more courage, more character than any other man I have ever known or known of and that’s quite a few over the years.”

Dean smiled a little half smile, “You haven’t exactly been following me around for thirty six years Cas. But thanks for the vote of confidence.” He carefully extracted his hand from Sam’s, dragging himself to a sitting position, leaning against the headboard.”How did I get here Cas?”

Cas also shifted and leaned against the headboard, sensing Dean wasn’t going back to sleep.It was so rare for Dean to open up. “I’m not sure what you’re asking Dean”

Dean turned to gaze directly at Cas.”Here. Not here as in the bunker, here as in the same thing I’ve spent my whole life hunting. Why did you save me Cas, from Hell?” Cas loosened his tie and sighed.

“Because it was ordained. You were innocent, you made the ultimate sacrifice and you didn’t deserve to be there. You know this Dean, we’ve talked about it before.”

Dean nodded. “Yeah, that’s the official angel party line. Not what I’m asking Cas.Why did you come for me?”

So he’s finally asked. “I was in charge of you. You and Sam too of course.” Cas smiled a little as if remembering something.

“In charge? In charge how? Like a real guardian angel?” Dean cocked his head with a quizzical look.

“Something like that.” Cas said, not offering too much information.

Dean continued, “Like forever Cas? Like my mom used to say, ‘angels are watching over you’?”It was something he wondered for six years.

“Yes Dean. Always.” Dean and Cas stared at each other for a long moment.”Until I betrayed you.”

“Hey, none of that. I think we’ve all three had our share of crap like that.” Dean said with conviction. Cas shook his head.

“Not you Dean. Me  and Sam, yes but never you. You have always been there for us.You are still a righteous man Dean. No matter what. You are still the one person I know who would and has laid down his life for the people he loves. That’s why I say you can beat this Dean. It’s why Sam believes in you with everything he has. “

Tears clouded Dean’s eyes again and threatened to overflow. He didn’t care. It was just him and Cas and if he couldn’t cry in front of Cas after all this time…”Cas, I don’t know if I can. I want to. God help me, I want to. I just want my life to go back to saving people, hunting things and looking out for Sammy.” The tears were flowing freely now. “It’s too late for it to be that simple

Sam shifted  and opened his eyes. At the sight of Dean’s tears, he sat up quickly. “What’s wrong? You okay Dean? Cas, is he okay?” Dean put up his hand.

“I’m okay Sam. We were just talking.” Sam looked at Cas and back to his brother.

“You don’t look okay. “ He stood up and sat on the other side of Dean, pulling him close in the hug he’d wanted earlier. He felt his brother sink into him again,lay his head on Sam’s shoulder and give into the sobs he was incapable of before , just after he killed Cain. As Dean sobbed against him, clutching his shirt in both battered hands, Sam whispered to him, “Hey, I gotcha, it’s ok. You’re okay. I gotcha.” The stayed like that for just a few minutes as Dean regained composure. The sobbing gradually stopped but Dean could not bring himself to let go of Sam.I won’t be like Cain. I won’t ever sacrifice Sam. Nothing bad is ever going to happen to you as long as I’m around. Like that’s true. I let him down so many times. But not any more. I’m watching out for you Sammy. Sam held on, still whispering reassurances, afraid to let go of Dean either. He leaned back against the headboard, taking his brother with him. Dean still clutched Sam’s shirt but less desperately now. Cas watched the brothers, wishing he could offer some kind of comfort. But all three of them knew they were facing a darker road than ever before. Maybe there was no real comfort.

There was quiet for awhile Sam whispering to Dean from time to time until he felt Dean’s hands release their grasp on his shirt. “Sam?”,Dean asked.

“What Dean?”, Sam asked in reply. Dean looked up at Sam.

“Do you still think I can live with it, maybe beat it?” There was real fear in his brother’s eyes.

Sam tightened his grip on Dean’s shoulders. “Yes. With everything I have.” There was a trust, a sincerity, almost a defiance in Sam’s tone that comforted and encouraged Dean. He sighed, relaxed, believing Sam, or at least wanting to. He disengaged himself and laid down on the pillows. He looked first at Sam, and then at Cas. He knew beyond a shadow of a doubt these two would do their best to hold him accountable, to keep him safe from evil things and yes, even from himself. The exhaustion was taking hold again. But Dean felt his fear slipping away. Because his brother and his guardian angel were keeping watch

"I'm Scared Sam!"

 The Wizard told the Tin Man, "Hearts will never be practical until they are made to be unbreakable". A thing that may never happen in Winchester world! My heart is broken again. Cas, Dean's in trouble and boom, fade to black! Seriously? Come on! Knowing we are now in a mini Hellatus and THAT hanging over us...I should be steeled for it by this time. Should know that man is going to make me cry my eyes out and toss and turn through sleepless nights. It was too simple when I started this journey. The first 7 seasons, I simply dried my tears and went on to the next episode. (I watched on Netflix) 8,9 and 10....I've spent the Hellatus days grieving, wondering and hoping.I barely survived last summer. Now THIS.The burden Cain finally revealed to Dean is the one he cannot bear. It's worse than "take care of Sammy" and it goes beyond "if you can't save him, you'll have to kill him". The bastard basically said he would not only kill his best friend but also his reason for living, his brother. He said "No!" so fervently. And yay for Dean, he handed the blade to Cas, knowing Cas wouldn't use it to make him do anything else bad like Crowley would be tempted to do.Falling into Sam's arms, needing the hug but too spent to give it back, he just put his head on Sam's shoulder and I ....just crumbled. What's going to happen is unsure. But then it always is. I do know this: For Dean Winchester to admit he' scared...it's bad . Really bad. He's the most courageous of men and he can do anything. But this....this knowledge....he's going to struggle more with this one than anything else so far. And I'll be falling apart with him. God I love this man. I know I am saying to my practical family members, he's fictional. But he's real to me. He's my guy. And, I'm scared Sam. The Tin man said, "But I still want one." He just didn't know Dean Winchester could break it. But I do. I know it so well. And keep going back for more. I always will. "Dad, you're scaring me",seems so much less complicated, less devastating than, "I'm scared Sam" doesn't it? Dean's in trouble and I'm scared Sam.

Finding Peace

Tag to Halt and Catch Fire

Sam Winchester couldn’t sleep. His brother had crashed about four hours ago, worn out by the decision he’d made to not seek a cure for the mark of Cain and the drive back home. Sam however was pacing the halls of the bunker in bare feet , running his fingers through his hair and trying desperately to sleep. He’d tried watching a movie, reading, a hot shower, but sleep eluded him. All that wa on his mind was that Dean was giving up. That he’d try really hard until something awful pushed him over the edge again and then where would they be. He wanted to be supportive and he was proud of Dean for making the choice to find his own peace with the situation. There was no one he’d ever met that truly did find his peace in helping people like Dean did. This was a good thing for Dean to recognize in himself. But I’m gonna fight it , till I can’t fight it anymore .And when all is said and done, I’ll go down swinging had been haunting Sam since Dean said it. As he walked up and down the hall between their bedrooms, Sam heard his brother’s voice in his head. He remembered walking up and down these  halls after Dean died and was a demon, thinking if he could just get Dean back, he’d take care of him and not let anything bad happen to him ever again. Funny, Sam mused, I took it for granted that Dean wanted to take care of me and it’s all I want to do, take care of him, save him. He decided he needed a glass of water and maybe he’d see if they had something in the first aid kit that would help him sleep.

Returning from the kitchen, he paused at Dean’s half open door. His brother lay on his back,one arm behind his head, sleeping peacefully, not the way he’d been sleeping, tossing, turning, talking or crying out from dreams that tortured him. Sam stood there in the door and he had the feeling that this was a moment he should treasure. Dean just sleeping like everyone else did. It didn’t last long. As if his deep connection to Sam woke him, big brother’s eyes opened and he sat up alarmed. “Sammy? You okay?”, Dean said sleep still in his voice. Sam smiled reassuringly.

“Yeah Dean. I’m okay. Just can’t sleep. You go back to sleep though. Night.” He turned to go and didn’t want to, he was fighting the desire to just be Dean’s little brother again, to ask Dean to fix it , longing for just a little bit to go back to the time when he really believed all he needed was for Dean to say everything was all right and it was. That time was long gone though. They weren’t kids anymore.

“Sam.” It wasn’t a question. It was a command, a stop and turn around order . He did. Dean saw the look in Sam’s eyes, that sort of lost, I need help look he knew so well. Sam didn’t look that way so much anymore. He was pretty in control of late, but Dean knew that Sam wouldn’t be sleeping and he knew he was the cause of it and he felt guilty. “Come over here”, Dean said. Sam looked at the floor and up at Dean, hair falling in his eyes and Dean saw the five year old who’d had a bad dream, not the thirty two year old hunter . Sam trudged over to Dean’s bed and sat down on the end of it. “What is it?” Dean asked. “Me saying I was done looking for a cure?” Sam didn’t answer at first which was really Dean’s answer, but he waited.

“ Dean, are you sure? I mean Cas is looking, and …” Sam looked miserable and Dean felt bad for that but he meant what he said in the car.

“Sam, listen, I know you want the thing gone. I do too. But I don’t think it’s going to happen. I’m the one who made the choice to take it in the first place. I have to live with it, learn how to be what I made myself. It’s like I said, I have to find peace with it. It’s not going to be easy. I get that. I’m going to need all the help I can get man. But I have to Sam. I can’t live with the..”

“False hope.” Sam finished . “I get that but Dean..” His brother stopped him before he could finish.

“Sammy, I can’t. I can’t keep reminding myself I’m a monster. I have to try to start living my life again, just as me. Just Dean Winchester.”  Sam looked at his brother’s face, at the hope he saw in the expression there. At the pain mixed with the hope, saw that while he would always have the regrets, the guilt Dean wanted to move forward. Maybe ,Sam thought, hoped, he could help Dean with that. Maybe Sam really could help Dean believe in himself again. He was trying, for Sam, for himself.

“Okay Dean. For now. But if I have to, I’ll do anything to save you.” This was said fiercely and Dean chuckled. Sam reminds me of me, he thought. And suddenly that was funny. He laughed out loud.

“Why are you laughing? I mean it Dean.” Sam couldn’t believe Dean was laughing at him.

“No Sam , listen, I believe you. It’s just you made me think of..”

“Dad. I know you say that all the time.” Sam finished for him. Dad would have found a way to help Dean and Sam felt he was falling far short.

“Yes, but no. Never mind Sam.” He yawned. “Aren’t you sleepy?” He was starting to fade a little but he wouldn’t dream of making Sam spend the rest of the night alone and upset. “If we’re not sleeping, one of us better make some coffee.” Sam sighed. He did feel sleepy. A little anyhow. He didn’t want to keep Dean awake any longer, not when his brother needed sleep so much.Sam propped himself up on his elbow at the end of Dean’s bed.

“Go back to sleep Dean. I’ll be okay. I’ll just stay here a while. If that’s okay.” He curled his long legs up and pillowed his head on his arms to be more comfortable. Dean smiled. When was he ever going to look at Sam and not see the kid he raised? He knew Sam was a capable grown man but damn if  it was late at night and when Sam was hurting or upset Dean still saw the boy instead of the man. Probably always be like that,he figured.

“Come up here Sam. There’s no way you can ever get comfortable enough to sleep like that you freaking Sasquatch.” Sam grinned. Dean rearranged himself, plumping up his pillows, putting his right hand back behind his head. He yawned again. He patted the pillows beside him. Sam pulled himself up and edged his way up the bed. He stopped halfway and realized he was getting sleepy. For no reason he could think of  except he used to do it when he was little, he plopped his head down on Dean’s chest.He felt Dean’s hand come up and his fingers carding through his hair. It was comforting in a way Sam recalled from decades ago. He began to relax. He looked up at Dean and saw his eyes were closed again.Sam lay still listening to his brother’s heart beat and feeling very loved and for the first time in a long time calm and peaceful.

“Dean?”, Sam said softly.

“Mmmn?”, Dean answered, almost asleep,

Sam didn’t want to wake Dean up again but he said, “Do you think he found peace? Dad I mean?” Dean stopped sifting his fingers through Sam’s hair.

“I hope so Sammy. He did everything he could to save people. He tried his best with us. I hope so.” He resumed stroking Sam’s hair and Sam felt himself relax even more. Dean said he found his peace helping people.Sam finally knew where he found his and it was Dean. As he fell asleep knowing Dean was there, he vowed again to make sure his brother was safe and at peace.

"Screw It, I Want to believe in Myself"

Dean Winchester walks into a bar and when he's asked what he wants, this man who
s afraid of hulking out and isn't drinking currently says 'Screw it, I want to believe in myself". Because his little brother does. Because there's no one else besides Sam and Dean who can believe in him. Because he's never felt he quite lived up to the standard that would qualify him for someone's belief in him. He believed in others, his dad, Sam. Bobby, but he never quite "got" that he himself was worthy. He sacrificed all his own hopes and dreams for everyone else and as is often the case with those of us who do, it's not that the people he did this for didn't love him, maybe they just didn't say how much. Until he died for the second time and his brother finally knew that he meant more to him than anything, or anybody.Dean has become exactly what he feared most...in his mind, a monster. I say his mind because my love for him will not allow me to fault him for his demon status. I blame Metatron for that,and Crowley for leading him to Cain in the first place and maybe John for making him feel so responsible for everything and everybody. It gives me great hope that Dean wants to believe in Dean. It's a step in the right direction. He's been through more hell and back than anyone deserves and if he can have faith in himself it will be a beautiful thing. The moment I heard him say "Screw it. I want to believe in myself.", I made that my new get-through-it phrase. Last year I got my get -through-it line from Jensen himself. He told me "You're okay" and I hear his voice every time I say it to myself. ( The reason he said it has been well documented here so I won't retell) See I love and relate so much to Dean Winchester because of this same thing. I have no problem sacrificing my own hopes and dreams, my own wants and needs for everyone else.And really, I don't mind. Sometimes I feel sad but I always do what's best for my loved ones. My bestie says I'm a "loyal Winchester" and maybe she's right. I don't want to be a martyr. And I'm not. I say this because like Dean I feel a lot of the time that I fall short of quite doing enough. I feel like I have disappointed every single person I care about. More than once. I feel like I'm not quite worthy of everyone else in the world. I truly wonder sometimes if I am "real" in The Veleveteen  Rabbit sense. I love very deeply. Sometimes I don't feel I've earned deep, real love. And that's a lonely street to be on. So I get Dean. And even though some SPN buddies and I decided to make a book of letters for Jensen for VegasCon this year, I don't think I was able to say in my letter how I really feel about Dean and Jensen himself as well as the others I've read. He has changed my life more than just words can say. You can say I'm a crazy fangirl if you want to because I truly, madly , deeply love Dean Winchester. I spent the summer so deep in grief for his death and becoming a demon it can't be expressed in any language I know the sorrow and recovery I had to come through. Maybe even Jensen would think I was silly for that but I like to think he wouldn't. That he'd just give me that smile and tell me I was okay. So yeah, I dwell in Winchester world  a lot. I feel truly I have a kindred spirit there.I know like Dean, I made a ton of mistakes along the way. I've detoured my own road so far for everyone else. And like Dean, that's okay. It's family.I'd do it and will do it again and again. It's just that sense of not doing enough , of not being more, of not being able to give anything else than what I have is haunting. It draws me to Dean because I also dwell there. I don't want to. What I want and what Dean wants is to know when you lay your head down at night it was enough for today. that even when you screw up or disappoint the people you care about, you did the very best you could, and not to punish yourself for it not being maybe their best or what you perceive as best.I don't think anyone plans to fail. I sure don't.But I think some of the people I want most to please think I do. And I think maybe Dean and I are most guilty not for lack of trying but for not truly believing in ourselves, to know we've got the ability to truly be okay. I don't make New years resolutions. Too easy to break. But this...this gift from Adam Glass's pen to Dean Winchester's mouth? "Screw it. I want to believe in myself", maybe we can both do that. I hope so.

I Wanted You Back

Tag to   About A Boy

This one’s for Angie my “fake me”, my #samesies, my namesake, my soul sister who loves me for me and also loves my sweet potato Dean as much as I do!

Sam has to laugh as his brother turned up the radio. Taylor Swift? As the song fills the Impala he thinks he caught a quick flash of a smile on Dean’s face and it makes him strangely happy. He thinks they had gotten really desperate if that simple little half smile on his big brother’s lips makes him feel that ecstatic. Still, it’s better than the longing look on Dean’s face when Tina said “Everyone wants a second chance right?” If Sam could go back,  he could have just forgiven Dean on that bridge for letting Gadreel  possess him. Then none of this would be happening. In his deepest heart of hearts, Sam knows he was responsible. But drowning in guilt isn’t  the answer. He just feels relieved Dean had decided to not stay fourteen. Mark or not, he likes having a big brother. No matter how many times he’s complained about “being protected” he gets it now. He realizes where Dean’s been coming from all these years.

The song ends and Dean reaches to turn down the volume. Sam turns to look at his brother and  Dean sees the dimples that still remind him of Dad every time Sam smiles. “What?”, Dean asks and he can’t help it. He smiles back. No one can resist Sam Winchester full on smiling. And hey, the sun is shining and he’s driving Baby and Sam’s sitting next to him smiling that damn smile he inherited right off John  frigging Winchester’s face. Sam’s smile turns into a laugh. Dean laughs too even though he’s got no idea what the hell he’s laughing about. “Sammy? This a private thing or are you filling me in here?”

Sam says, “Why exactly did I believe in the Easter bunny at 11?” He’s still smiling and waiting for Dean to explain.

“And a half”, Dean says and winks at Sam.”I don’t know man. It was an Easter thing. We spent so many Easters at Pastor Jim’s and maybe you just believed it for him. Maybe because he really celebrated it. It was cute. Dumb and geeky, but cute man.”

Sam nods. “Maybe. But I didn’t believe in Santa. Because someone ruined that.” He slaps Dean’s shoulder with the back of his hand and Dean grins. “I don’t know either. Maybe I just wanted to believe in something that was good. Something not scary.” His smile fades a little and Dean hates that. He likes Sam smiling and being normal for a change. Sam falls silent but he’s not brooding or upset. They drive in silence for awhile. It’s not bad though. Not uncomfortable. Sam remembers something Dean said after he came back from Purgatory. I know where I’m at my best. Driving down crazy street with you sitting next to me. Sam knows this is where he’s at his best too. He’s overwhelmed suddenly with the need to fix everything. To find a way to get the mark off Dean’s arm.

 Dean interrupts his thoughts. “Sam, I know your life’s not been normal in any way anybody else would define it but we tried you know? To do the things other people did. It’s just Dad…he did his best. I believe that. Hell, I did too. If I could change it? Go back to that night..” He breaks off and Sam realizes he’s talking about the night Mom died. And he’s stopping that guilt trip way before it gets started.

:Hey, hey, hey. None of that Dean. You were four. You had no way to know what was coming and no way to stop it or fight it. So don’t go there. I won’t let you keep feeling responsible. You saved me Dean. I literally owe you my life and not just that time. You can feel responsible for other crap but not that okay?” He reaches over and pats Dean’s arm. Dean gives him a look, not quite a smile and nods. He does feel responsible but he’s  Dean Winchester after all.

“Hey Sam?” Dean says and his voice seems anxious. Sam looks over at him again and he can tell by the way Deans’ all tensed up he’s about to ask a question he might be afraid of the answer to He wants to make it easier for Dean so he raises an eyebrow as if to say yeah? Dean grips the steering wheel and sighs a little. “Why didn’t you want me to stay younger? I know I’m the one who made the decision. But it would have been a chance to start over, erase all the crap I’ve done, not have …” He glances down at his arm and can’t finish as if saying the mark of Cain  makes it more awful than it really is.

“Dean, I told you. I want the mark gone. I do. But I wanted you back.” He knows that de aged Dean was Dean. He remembers Dean at fourteen when he was just ten and still believed in the Easter bunny. He recalls thinking Dean could do anything, that he was a hero, brave, invincible, the best big brother in the world. He remembers the brother that would do anything for him. And he looks at Dean now and feels the same. Because  Sam knows that no matter what Dean will always be there for him. He discounts the demon part. Hell, he was soulless and Dean didn’t hold it against him. Dean grips the steering wheel harder. He can’t really understand that his brother would want him around at all after the demon thing, after all the killing he’s been doing, as Sam says “hulking out”. Part of him wants to believe they can beat this,t hat even if he has to he can live with it and control it. But he doesn’t know if he can. He’s suddenly overwhelmed and feels like he needs to get out of the car, like there’s no air and he can’t breathe. He’s gasping a little and shaking and he pulls the car over. He opens the door and bolts from the Impala, walking fast a few feet away. It’s like the whole world is spinning, like he’s on one of those playground merry-go-rounds. He’s not able to breathe at all now and he’s dangerously close to passing out when he feels two hands on his shoulders and Sam starts talking.

“Take really slow deep breaths Dean”, he says and as always for  some reason little brother’s voice helps. He’s still seeing spots and his chest feels like his lungs might explode. “Slow down Dean. In and out.” Sam keeps talking and it’s helping but the panic is still there. Sam reaches his arms around and pulls Dean up against him. Dean leans his head back a little to rest on Sam’s shoulder and starts to relax. Sam’s still talking in that calm Sam way he has and Dean has no idea what he’s saying. He concentrates on the sound of Sam’s voice rather than what he’s actually saying. And finally, he can breathe again and when he opens his eyes he’s not dizzy. He hears Sam say .”You good?” He nods, still not ready to talk. Sam hugs him just a little and lets go. He comes to stand in front of Dean. He waits until he’s sure he’s got his brother’s attention before he speaks again.

“Because I like having a big brother, because even as fanfriggintastic as you were at fourteen, it’s got nothing on how awesome you are now. Because I know that there is nothing past or present that you would put before me. Because I don’t want to lose who you are now. Because I need you. You’re all the family I’ve got and I need you Dean. That’s why I wanted you back.” Dean’s eyes get really wide and Sam’s pretty sure they’re shinier than usual and he knows Dean isn’t going to let the wetness escape but he smiles a wry little smile at the tough-guy-hide-your –feelings thing he’s seen Dean do for thirty two years now. In that way he’s an awful lot like Dad, Sam thinks.He says again, “You good?”

“Yeah. I’m good”, Dean replies and he smiles a real smile at Sam. Sam puts an arm around Dean’s shoulder and they walk back to he car. Dean tosses Sam the keys.”Wanta drive?” Sam realizes Dean’s still a little anxious as he catches the keys. As they start driving again he glances at Dean who’s slumped a little in the seat, but in a tired way, not a defeated one and he thinks to himself, I know where I’m at my best.Driving down crazy street with you sitting next to me. And that’s why I wanted you back. It’s time to get home. They have work to do.

No Place Like Home ..a little fanfic

Then let’s get to work”, Dean said to Sam. The problem was that neither one of them was exactly sure what the work actually was. They had a lead in Rome, which Charlie had set off to find. Sam had a stack of books, his laptop and a lot of hope. Dean wasn’t sure what  he had to contribute at the moment. He stood rooted in the same spot, absently rubbing the mark. He hated the thing. Hated what it made him feel, do. There’s nothing he can say to Sam right now. I’m sorry isn’t good enough. Even though Dean is sorry. Even though he hurts so deeply at having hurt Charlie that it’s a physical ache he can’t get rid of. He isn’t aware of Sam staring at him from the map room table. It’s covered in research and Sam’s not sure where to begin. He focuses on his brother and his heart is so full of love for him he wants to break down and sob but that won’t help Dean and it’ll give Sam a headache so he forces himself to breathe deeply. Still, Dean can’t stand there in one spot all day. He knows Dean’s pretty close to exhausted and feels certain there wasn’t much sleeping the night before. Sam didn’t sleep much himself and he knows Dean. Knows his brother has a guilt complex a mile wide and twice as long. He gets up, goes to his brother, touches his shoulder, trying not to startle Dean.

“Hey, Dean? You need anything, water, food?” Dean doesn’t turn to look at Sam. He shakes his head. Bless Sammy for trying. For thinking water, food, a comforting hand will make Dean’s guilt go away. Because that’s the example Sam’s been given by Dean himself for over thirty years. Sam’s had his share of crap. Dean knows better than anyone but this. This is more monster than he or Sam have ever come against. Dean wonders from time to time if he was less aggressive, less ...   feeling a need to kill when he was actually a demon.The fact that he’s gone so far off the reservation scares him on a level he couldn’t voice in words, terrifies him to the point of actually being afraid to be alone with  even Sam, for fear he’ll hurt him again.

“Dean,” His brother ‘s voice is so damn grounding. He feels himself reacting to it, calming down. He feels Sam come to stand in front of him before he sees him because he’s shut his eyes. Still a little amazed he has to look up at this kid he slowly does and finds so much in Sam’s expression. The look of fear and sorrow and pity he sees there brings Dean to big brother mode again. Little brother is freaking out and Dean can’t let that happen. No matter what.  It’s his job to take care of Sam. Not the other way around. Get it together Dean. For Sam. “Dean, hey. Why don’t we go in here and relax for a few minutes?” Sam looked so hopeful, Dean forced a smile. He knew Sam knew it was forced. But they did the Winchester pretend thing and Dean nodded.

“Okay”, he said. He lets Sam guide him to the sofa adjacent to the large table, allows himself to be eased down. Sam stands there looking at him and it’s driving Dean crazy, because he doesn’t know what he needs, can’t decide what to say or do next. He waits and Sam says, “I’ll be right back.” Dean leans his head back on the sofa and closes his eyes. He is tired. Closing his eyes feels good. The shiner he’s been scared to look at because it represents fighting with Charlie hurts, his head feels fuzzy and he’d really like to doze off. So maybe that’s what he should do. I could avoid a chick flick moment with Sam. When Sam comes back he’s glad to see Dean’s eyes are closed, that the extreme tension has faded a little from his brother’s face. He reaches down and starts to untie Dean’s boots, Dean stirs and his eyes open a little. He doesn’t speak and he doesn’t stop Sam knowing he’s giving Sam a purpose, something he can do for Dean, Sam pulls off the boots and swings his brother’s feet up on the couch. He eases a pillow under his head, covers him with a blanket, gently touches his hair and Dean hears him walk towards the table. Dean feels tears well up in eyes, feels like Sam is leaving him and he was hoping Sam would sit on the other end of the sofa or at least in the chair close by. Dean fights to keep the one lonely tear that escapes his eye from falling. Sam turns around from gathering the books he wants from the table and sees that tear .God Dean, he thinks. He realizes Dean thinks he doesn’t want to be near him. Ever since that night in the kitchen when he accused Dean of saving him because he doesn’t want to be alone he’s been haunted by words he wishes he’d never spoken, words he didn’t mean, words he’d used simply to hurt Dean and he still didn’t know why. He feels suddenly and totally responsible for how off Dean’s gotten, for Dean’s death, for the demon escapades, all the crap they were going through recently. Sam puts down his books. Research can wait. His brother needs  the mark off  or a way to manage it  but right now, Dean needs Sam. Sam  stands there looking at his brother  lying on the couch, eyes closed, more than a single tear on his cheeks now and a rush of memories floods him, Like a slide show all the things Dean has done for him over the years goes through his brain in rapid succession, a montage of  moments good and bad. It’s more than Sam can bear. He goes to the sofa, crouches down and places a large hand on his brother’s head. He reaches out and wipes the tears with the knuckles of the other hand, which seems to bring more tears. “Hey, it’s okay Dean. It’s okay buddy.” Dean grabs the hand that’s on his face , gripping it like it’s a lifeline which it is at that moment. Dean turns his face away from Sam and Sam’s not having it. He gets up, still holding his brother’s hand and pulls Dean to a sitting position. He slides around behind his brother sitting on the end of the sofa, leaning Dean against his shoulder, reaching for the blanket again. He keeps his arm around Dean and his grip on Dean’s hand as he covers him up. Dean relaxes, leans into Sam, sighs without meaning to but it’s not exasperation, it’s contentment. Sam  adjusts himself in the corner of the sofa, adjusts the lights, puts his long legs up on the coffee table and reaches for the remote. He’s suddenly grateful Dean bought the tv and dvd player even though he’d argued they didn’t belong in the bunker, that it took away from the Men of Letters vibe. He switches it on and starts Batman where Dean had left off before they went to find Charlie. Dean opens his eyes and looks up at Sam and can’t contain a grin. I’m Batman. Yeah Dean, you’re Batman. Sammy I think we found the Batcave. Everybody knows Batman can’t fly. I didn’t.  They both were thinking the same thing, Sam was sure of it. As the Joker is deep into his plot against Gotham, the brothers let go of their troubles for just a little while. Sam refuses to let go of Dean and Dean doesn’t try to get away. This feels comfortable. It feels like them. Maybe Sam’s the one doing the protecting, the care taking for a change but Dean’s okay with it for now, for tonight. Because big brothers need to be taken care of too. And little brothers need to do the protecting. And they’re learning it’s good to have a little “we” time. Dean wants to watch the movie, struggles to stay awake and focused but he’s so damn tired  and Sam’s got him and it’s okay for now. He loses the fight and falls asleep, leaning on Sam. Sam waits til he’s sure Dean’s really, really asleep and lays his head on top of Dean’s because it doesn’t matter where they live, Lawrence, whatever motel, Baby, the bunker, Dean is home. He presses his head closer to Dean’s and hugs him a little tighter. There’s no place like home Sam thinks because that’s where he is right now.