Proud of Us Tag to Soul Survivor

Dean opened his eyes and for just a minute he wasn't really sure where he was. As he forced himself to focus, he realized he was in his own room, in the bunker. His head pounded as if he had the mother of all hangovers except he hadn't been drinking. Every square inch of him seemed to hurt and for a moment he wondered if a hunt had gone seriously wrong. That made him think of Sam of course. He pulled himself up to a sitting position and realized Sam was asleep in the chair he'd pulled up to the side of the bed, his head slumped uncomfortably to the side. Dean panicked a little when he saw that Sam's arm was in a sling. Then he remembered. The cure. The last horrible hateful exchange between Sam and his demon self. Remorse for his cruel words flooded Dean like a rainstorm, filling him with guilt he had no way to erase. He actually tried to kill his baby brother. And yet, baby brother was sleeping in a chair beside his bed, a take out cup in his good hand. Dean rubbed a hand over his face and sighed. How could he make this right? God, he thought, I blamed Sam for mom, for everything. I am a monster. He tried to stand and waited for the room to stop spinning. He crouched down beside Sam and placed a hand on his forearm.He smiled a little at the long hair falling over Sam's forehead, a sight he had seen often for the last thirty one years.He reached up and gently brushed the hair aside, wincing at the healing bruises on Sam's face, grateful he had not given them to his brother but vowing again to make sure the guy who did it paid dearly for hurting his Sammy. For a long moment, Dean just watched Sam sleep He pried the cup from his hand and placed  it next to the bag of burgers and fried pies Sam had brought back.. His brother looked exhausted. Like he hadn't slept or even really eaten in weeks. Probably hadn't much. Dean wouldn't have if the situation were reversed.Sam needed to sleep in a bed not his chair.

"Hey, Sam. " he said softly but in a commanding tone."Sammy, wake up." He shook Sam just a little , careful not to jar the hurt shoulder. Nothing in heaven or hell could make him hurt Sam any worse. Sam's eyes fluttered open and he jerked awake and hastily sat up.

"Dean. are you okay?" He grasped the hand on his arm and leaned forward.

"I'm fine.",Dean said and both of them half smiled at Dean Winchester's main line in the script of their lives. "Sam, you need to sleep in a bed man. Come on, go to bed."

Sam's eyes clouded. "But, I..." he faltered. Dean was suddenly worried. He squeezed Sam's hand back as hard as Sam was squeezing his.

"What? What is it Sam?" Sam ducked his head and looked at the floor. Dean couldn't see the tears that pooled in the green eyes but he knew Sam well enough to know this behavior. He remembered five year old Sam doing it. Whenever Sam wouldn't look at Dean, he was about to cry.

"I..don't want to leave you." He said it so earnestly, so brimming over with love and fear that Dean had to swallow a sob of his own. he rested his hand on Sam's head and just left it there until he could speak. This wouldn't do. Sam was afraid if  he left Dean, he would be gone again in the morning.

He raised himself up to sit on the edge of the bed. "Sammy. Look at me. please." Sam did and Dean had been right. His eyes were shiny with tears."Look Sam, It's alright. I'm not going anywhere. Hell I'm not sure I could walk to the kitchen right now. Go get cleaned up. Change clothes."

Sam sighed. he was tired. A shower would be awesome. "Okay. But I'll come back here and check on you okay? You should get comfortable too. Take off your boots."  Dean nodded in reply. As Sam left the room, his last reserves gave way and he couldn't stop the tears. He allowed himself to cry. He was alone and safe and somehow he was going to make it up to Sam. After a few minutes, he tried standing again and figured Sam was right. He pulled his red button up off and tossed it into the hamper in the closet. He found sweats and a clean tee shirt in the top drawer of his dresser. He sat down again and pulled off his boots which felt amazing somehow. It's going to be okay Sam, he promised.

Twenty minutes later Sam returned also in night attire, his hair still damp. Dean was under the covers, propped up on pillows, his eyes closed. Sam thought this must be the most wonderful moment of  his life to date. His brother was alive, cured of being a demon and asleep in his own bed, in their home. He decided he wasn't sleeping in his own room, wasn't sure if he'd be able to for at least a few days. He needed to be near Dean, to be able to touch him, to hear him breathe. He quickly returned to his room, gathered pillows and an extra blanket and went back to Dean's. He eased himself onto the other side of the bed, one pillow on top of the extra one of Dean's, his extra under his arm, propping it up. As he covered up, struggling with the blanket, Dean stirred. He looked over at his brother and grinned.

"Hey. Need some help?" Sam laughed a little. He did. Dean sat up and pulled the blanket over Sam. He settled back into his pillows.

"Dean? How are you feeling and don't say fine", Sam said. Dean squeezed the bridge of his nose with his thumb and fore finger. He looked at Sam.

"Head hurts.Hell, everything hurts. Tired," And guilty.I feel guilty Sammy. He decided they'd had so much drama one more chick flick moment wouldn't matter. "Sam..."

Sam turned his head. "Yeah? Can I get you something?"

"No,Sammy, Listen. The crap I said. About Mom...and you...and Dad...I didn't mean that Sam. It was just the demon part of me, trying to hurt you."

Sam smiled."I know that Dean. Listen Dean, when I said I wouldn't save you.."

Dean remembered the night Metatron stabbed him. "You lied.", he said simply repeating Sam's words.

"Yeah. Dean I'm sorry. I don't know what to say. I was ..."

Dean reached out and put his hand on the back of Sam's neck and pulled his brother's head close to his shoulder. Later he'd give Sam a real hugely chick flick hug and he wouldn't care if the whole world watched. But tonight, he felt like crap and Sam was exhausted. Sam didn't fight the "hug". He let his head fall on Dean's shoulder and relaxed, feeling five again, feeling safe because Dean was there. He let his eyelids close. Dean rested his head on top of Sam's.He started to turn out the small lamp on the bedside table and decided against it. They needed the light tonight. "Go to sleep Sam.", he whispered. As he gave into sleep himself, he again remembered the night he died. "Sammy,"he said against his brother's hair. "I'm proud of us".

On Shipping...

I admit to having a strong reaction to the 'fan' being removed from ChiCon but not because I was sorry for her or supporting her. I think if CLIF thought she was a threat then she must have been. But here's the thing. They know Destiel is out there. They wouldn't say she was a threat and ban her just for shipping Destiel. It had to be way more than that. Because even though he's a big teddy bear most of the time Clif's job is to protect the boys. So, that being said, the whole fandom war thing about shipping...I have feelings about that. First of all JENSEN  doesn't ship Dean and Cas. Maybe Misha does and if that helps him get into character, I don't care. Wincest I can't begin to explain. Jensen plays Dean straight because that's how Dean is written. He's always been interested in women. I do not think Supernatural is sexist. I think the way the boys move around so much we've seen long term relationships don't last or work. Except for Demon Dean's remarks to Anne-Marie, all we've ever seen of Dean is a kind, considerate lover who appreciates all kinds of women and respects them. There are two strong recurring females on the show in Jody and Charlie. Jody gets plenty of respect from both guys. Charlie I might add is openly gay and no one cares...it doesn't make a difference, In The Purge, Dean assures Sheriff Donna she doesn't need to lose weight, that she looks great as she is.So what's the deal? Why can't Dean love Sam as his brother and soulmate without it being sexual? Why can't he love Cas without needing destiel? I personally think it shows a hell of alot of self esteem about your sexuality if you can touch and hug people of your own gender and it NOT be implied as sexual. Think about it. The boys have lived pretty much in a an all guy world. And Dean raised Sam like he was the parent. Why would it be weird to him to touch Sam's face or brush the hair out of his eyes while he's asleep or hurt or sick? I think when it's clear though that Jensen doesn't like being asked about Destiel it really isn't respectful to ask the question. If you claim to love him, or them then why intentionally try to badger them and make them uncomfortable? This is something about fandom that escapes me...it's being written by writers who work very hard to keep it canon and in the mythology it's always had.I n the last few seasons we've seen the best writing ever. It's not being written by us. So if you don't agree, either go with it or don't. Because those of us who are 100% devoted fans til the end....we don't try to change it. I would personally never have made Dean a demon. But the show did so guess what? My baby's been a demon. And I still love every minute I get to watch. As for the Cons...what happened to Gil McKinney shouldn't have happened at ChiCon. And what happened to Jensen at JibCon and NJCon last year...NO. These people give their all to give us the best possible show and they are all decent, wonderful guys who wouldn't do anything on purpose to hurt anyone of us. So the least we can do is return that. I don't ship for the record,,,not Wincest or Destiel. I believe    Cas is  an asexual angel and Dean and Sam are straight. I don't have a problem with gayness...so no one quote me wrongly. I have tons of gay friends. I guess I've had my say. What am I trying to get across? Lay off the destiel questions to Jensen. Stop hating on people who do or don't ship. And quit complaining about the show. It muffles the squee.

Dean Winchester Is Saved!!!

The moment I held onto for 152 days happened. MY Dean is back. Sam accomplished the task like I knew he would. The moment when he shook his head and those black eyes returned to green and he said "You look worried fellas" in Dean's usual voice, I cried. I cried tears of relief, tears of joy, tears of thank you Sam Winchester. I confess I've cried a few times since. This show has my heart. yes I have a "fictional boyfriend" and yes I have been grieving over his death and demonic activities, I guess to some people that does equal crazy, Okay. I;m fine with that, And I'm a Supernatural fan so I do realize we're not done that simply. The mark of Cain still on my baby's arm, the evil still lurks around every corner.Crowley's ticked off, Metatron is still alive and there's that last little teaser...who the hell is SHE? But I do know DEAN is back. He's afraid Sam will be like he was early S9. You can see that from his conversation with Cas but Sammy, God bless him just wants to feed his brother! My Head Canon pictures Sam returning with not one but six cheeseburgers and pie..lots of it! Then I picture Sam sitting there all might watching Dean sleep...yeah I'm a sap. But it's what Dean would do in the reverse so.... We're not done. There are battles to face but for me at least when I close my eyes at night I'm seeing green, not black eyes open. And for now, that's enough. For me, Thank you to my besties for getting me through, for understanding my very real pain and guarding my broken heart all summer against DD spoilers, (I love you Batcave girls TTMAB) but mostly thank you to the writers and to the amazingly wonderful Jensen Ackles for making Dean Winchester my OTH (ONE TRUE HERO), Shout it out peeps since the angel radio is probably off: DEAN WINCHESTER IS SAVED!!

Explaining My Deanmon Feelings

I am trying to sort out my feelings about Demon Dean. First let me say: It's a fantastic storyline. Kudos to the writers. It's compelling and new and Jensen is ROCKING the part!! If the man doesn't get a PCA for Demon Dean....well whats's the matter with tv viewers? I am am amazed at his acting ability all over again. The chemistry with Sam and Crowley are brilliant. His sinister smile is disturbingly hot, But this has been difficult for me.I love that Jensen is having the opportunity. I am 200% behind the SL, the show and the writers. I AM. This show constantly surprises me and I will never EVER stop watching. Here's the conclusion  I have come to. I love Demon Dean because he's .Dean (and Jensen), I feel sometimes like I have to defend my sadness over not having MY Dean back. I know everyone wants him back. I cannot express what Dean dying and becoming a demon did to me. I had a really hard time. It took me all of Hellatus to rewatch Do You Believe In Miracles? I reacted very badly to black eyes pictures on social media. I cried more than I am willing to admit. I cried after the premier and I cried a lot on Tuesday night. I just miss him . I don't want him to be 26 year old Dean. I want him to grow as a character, I want him to change and experience and become. It's what makes him interesting. My besties and most of my Twitter followers are super loving the Deanmon. I AM TOO. But it hurts to watch. Like physically. So I've decide not to fight my feelings. That's what they are. They aren't right or wrong its just how I feel...lost without him. Sad at seeing him not love his brother or his Baby. I want him back.I really need that. I need him being Dean. For Sam For the Supernatural world, but also for me. I feel like something's missing from my reality all the time since he's gone. yes I know he's fictional. If I sound crazy so be it .I gave up being closeted about my Dean thing a long time ago. So I have enjoyed watching what the writers and Jensen have done. They are beyond even their best in the past, I just can't wait until he is back.I need that. I love Dean Winchester no matter what form he's in. But my favorite is Sam Winchester's big brother. Holding on baby...

If My True Love, He were Gone

My sweet potato SANG one of my all time favorite Irish tunes @ Torcon today. I may cry!! He played the guitar as well. Tears, Here are the words:

Oh the summer time is coming
and the trees are sweetly blooming and the wild mountain thyme
All around the blooming heather
Will ye Go lassie go
And we'll all go together
To pull wild mountain thyme
From around the blooming heather
will ye go lassie go

I will build my love a bower
Near yon pure crystal fountain
and on it I will pile
all the flowers of the mountain
will ye go lassie go
And we;ll all go together
to pull wild mountain thyme
from around the blooming heather
will ye go lassie go

If my true love she were gone
I will surely find no other
where wild mountain thyme
all around the blooming heather
will ye go lassie go
and we'll all go together
to pull wild mountain thyme
from around the blooming heather
will ye go lassie go
                                                                                                                                                               

He sings this to JJ. I love this with all my heart. It makes me happy because I was so sad after the premier on Tuesday night. Demon Dean is so empty. So not DEAN, Oh he was sexy and truly HOT but not DEAN. The sweet smile, the music, the happiness of today....I needed it. Because my true love is still gone. I think I have never felt as sorry for Dean Winchester as in Black. And yes he's in there somewhere. The guys played it well. They were spectacular. I was so very proud of both Jensen and Jared. But my heart was still broken. I miss DEAN. I want him back. I NEED him back. The grief has been too hard. It has been too real. Demon Dean had a moment I believe when he cared if Sammy was alive. It was in his eyes( Or maybe that was just Jensen not being able to not care about Jared) and I almost cried. Okay after I went to bed, I did  cry. Yes, I know Sam is going to save him somehow. This week looks like I'll have to suffer a little more. I am still holding on. He's coming back to me. To us,to Sam. It's harder than I ever imagined this fictional but truly real love could get. But it's worth it because it's Dean. It's Supernatural. So yes, I'll go for my true love....always for Dean. Where ever and whatever his story. I just need a little real Dean before anything else happens.Jensen's words are in my head...."You're okay". I'll keep holding on. But when my baby is back....watch out TWITTER, I'm going to break you tweeting DEAN WINCHESTER IS SAVED!!!

Retrospective

 Hellatus will end tonight, For 139 days I have mourned Dean Winchester. Yes he officially returns on Tuesday as DemonDean but tomorrow night we look back at ten glorious seasons of the little show that could. So  I count that as the end of our waiting. Supernatural  is celebrating ten seasons of hunting monsters, exorcising demons, and a multitude of bromoments that are the real reason we keep coming back for more.

For me it's not just the excellent writing, and we all agree the writers are some of the best television has to offer, the movie quality cinematography or even the devastatingly handsome faces of it's stars. These help of course. This show examines family, love, sacrifice and the triumph of the human spirit better than any other show ever has. It's not always the way you want to hear it, but it's there. it's been a few hard years for our guys. They've come so far since "Dad's on a hunting trip and he hasn't been home in a few days." They have grown into men who have fought more battles than anyone should have to. I miss the days when Dean was cocky and hustling pool. I miss "bitch" and "jerk" like everyone else. But the years have made them what essentially what makes me most proud of them. They have survived. They have "kicked it in the ass" and "figured it out" more times than we can count. Loss and heartache have shaped their relationship to the point it came to 139 days ago. They were united. They were proud, they were openly loving to each other, they were being the Sam and Dean we all wanted to see. I trust in that love with all my heart. I am so thankful for Supernatural. I found it when I needed it the most. It brought me closer to my daughter than ever before, it brought me the three best friends a girl could ask for-they are my family that doesn't end with blood. ( Batcave babes: "There ain't no me if there ain't no you"!) It gave me a sense of connection to something, It gave me a hero to believe in, a place to belong.

So yeah, looking back at The Road So Far, I'm proud of this show. Proud of the writers, the fans who are so loyal, and sooo fucking proud of Sam and Dean and Jensen and Jared.
Season 10 promises to be the best we've seen so far. Sam, I'm trusting you to bring my boy back!

Let's all forget the things we may not like...I don't like Dean being a demon! ,and join together as a fandom and celebrate how far we've come and how far we can go. See you at the Retrospective. We survived Hellatus...the worst one so far. I'm proud of us.