No Imagination Needed

   Dean wasn't sleeping. He'd tossed and turned for a couple of hours. The whole thing with Sully was keeping him up. It was an easy hunt as hunts go. Again he'd had a people are crazy moment. But it wasn't the hunt.No it was Sam. The whole idea that Sam had said he was lonely as a kid. And of course there was his renewed visions and the I need to go back to the cage speech in the car.And for an hour or more he'd heard the Yello Eyed Demon say in Dad's voice in his head, "You fight and fight for this family. But the truth is, they don't need you, not like you need them." The fact that he had somehow failed Sam when they were kids was almost more than Dean could take. He scrubbed a hand down his face and threw back the covers. He placed around his room for a good half hour and looked at his watch. Five a.m. Okay. Not too early. He walked across the hall to Sam's room and opened the door. His brother was sleeping, on his stomach, face covered by hair. Dean smiled. He wondered if he would ever look at Sam sleeping and not see a child. He'd come into the room fully intending to wake Sam but watching him sleep , he just couldn't. He pulled the comforter higher over Sam and laid his hand on his head. He brushed back the hair from Sam's face and turned to go. As he reached the door Sam mumbled, "Dean?" Dean stopped but didn't turn around. "Dean, you 'kay?"
    "I'm okay Sam." He sensed Sam sitting up. He still didn't turn around. He heard Sam's bare feet on the floor. Felt his hand on his shoulder.
  "Something is wrong. You're acting weird ever since Sully showed up. Can't you just talk to me man?"
  Dean closed his eyes. No. I can't. I don't know how to fix it. Instead he said,"You gotta admit it's weird when imaginary friends turn out to be real.Seriously Sammy. I'm fine."
   Sam wasn't letting this one go by with I'm fine. Dean came into his room for a reason. "Dean. I know you're not. Just come over here or we'll go in the library but we need to talk." Dean's shoulders slumped and Sam knew he'd won.
   "Let's go in the library." Sam turned loose of Dean's shoulder and Dean led the way to the library. Once there Sam sat down on the couch and waited. Dean paced a little, clearly nervous. He finally perched on the edge of his favorite armchair and looked at the floor.
    "Look Sam, about the you bring a lonely kid thing. I didn't know. I....tried.  I guess I never thought about you know...you having friends and....I....was focused on keeping you safe and fed and....that was my job. So if I kept you from having friends, if I was the reason you needed an imaginary friend....I'm sorry okay?" He suddenly felt ridiculous. Because if he was truly honest with himself, he had been jealous of Sully. Jealous of something his brother made up at what age? Nine? He felt silly admitting it but there you had it. Sam listened and he knew what the confession was. He knew Dean felt jealous. The you had me his brother had retorted at his admission to being a lonely kid wasn't lost on him. Sam also heard something else in what Dean just said. What Sam heard underneath was If I wasn't good enough....
     "Dean, you know that was a really long time ago. And you weren't the reason I was lonely. It was constant moving, the secrecy, the feeling different from you and Dad." Dean looked up and his expression was sad.
     "How were you different? Besides being a freaking genius? " Sam smiled. He slid to the other side of the sofa to be closer to Dean.
   "I didn't want to hunt. I didn't picture this life for myself." Dean nodded. He looked at the floor again. Sam's heart twisted a little as he realized the guilt and maybe fear Dean was feeling. He reached out and grabbed his brother's arm. "But that was a long time ago. That was before...."
      Dean looked up. "Before what?" He sounded tired. Sam wanted nothing more than to make him feel better.
   "Before you went to Hell. Before I went to Hell, before I was soulless and you were a demon. Before Henry gave us the key to the bunker and we found out we were Men of Letters. Dean this IS our life. And we're doing it together. No imaginary friends needed. Ok?"
  Dean sighed. "Ok. Sammy, if...." His brother cut him off.
   "You think I don't get what goes on in your head. You think I don't know how you feel. Stop it alright? You were good enough. You were the best big brother. You ARE the best big brother. Dean I think it sucked you never got to just be a kid. You had more responsibility at eight than I do now. I made up an imaginary friend because I wanted someone to talk to. Not because you weren't good enough. It was because of me, not you."
   Dean stood up, running a hand through his hair. "Well you obviously couldn't talk to me so I wasn't doing something right. Look Sam it's too early in the morning to do this. And since the imaginary friend isn't so imaginary after all, it's good you had him I guess. " He sat on the sofa and leaned his head back.
   "Dean, did you sleep at all?"Sam inquired.
    Dean closed his eyes. "Not much." There was still the elephant in the room and he hadn't mentioned it. The I need to go to the cage thing. He was too tired to discuss it. But they needed to. Waves of sleep began to pour over him. "Sam, I think I need..." He stopped.
   "A nap" Sam finished for his brother. He gently rearranged Dean so instead of slouching in the corner of the sofa he was lying down. He pulled the blanket off the back of the couch and covered Dean up. Sitting on the coffee table beside him Sam watched his brother sleep. He knew he had big decisions to make. Probably ones Dean wasn't going to like. But Sam had realized something yesterday when he talked to Sully. Sully said the imaginary friend goes away when the kid doesn't need them anymore. Sam had known the minute Dad called and told him to get on the bus that he was going to his real heroes. Dad and Dean. And in reality they had been all he needed. He hoped he could make Dean see somehow that everything Sam had done, had become was in part because of Dean. For Dean. No one could ask for or have a better brother. Sam wished he had been as good a brother to Dean as Dean had to him. He stood up. There was research he could do. And some plans to make. He went toward the kitchen to make coffee and turned back to look at his sleeping brother. Softly he said out loud, "Ever think I love you? Cause I do. No imagination needed." Coffee. Research. Sam Winchester had work to do.

Still Trying

       Dean wasn't really into the holiday thing. It just never seemed to really fit in well with the life the Winchester men lived. Dad tried when they were little. Or at least he tried when he could and after Dean was somewhere around nine or so Sam's Christmas was pretty much up to him if there was any at all. And Dean made sure that was never the case. There was the one time in Montana, the year Sam found out about what they did when Dean stole presents that were decidedly girly by accident but usually he bought Sam's presents with money he "earned" hustling pool or occasionally working if they stayed somewhere long enough. But somehow after Sam left for Stanford, the whole holiday thing lost it's meaning for Dean and he and Dad never mentioned it. The year before he went to Hell, he'd really wanted to celebrate. Sam had been the reluctant one but in the end they'd had a nice impromptu celebration after all. Since then it had seemed like too much had happened, too many losses to warrant any real desire to celebrate anything except just getting through one bad incident after another. But this morning Dean had awakened with a real overwhelming need to " do Christmas". He'd been dreaming. It was still fresh and vivid in his mind. He knew there were drying tears on his face but hell, he was alone and who cared? He'd dreamed about that last Christmas before Mom died. He thought he had all but forgotten it but it came back in full living color in his sleep. There was no Sam yet of course but Mom and Dad told him that day he was going to be a big brother and he'd understood and been very excited. There was a huge tree and a shiny fire truck, a Batman  action figure and a Hot wheels track. Mom had laughed a lot and they had a huge dinner. It was so normal. How could any of them have known what the new year after would bring?
      But that was forever ago and this was now and Dean wanted a real Christmas. For Sam and Cas and yes himself. Maybe mostly for himself. How to go about it and make it a surprise, he wasn't sure. But he was pretty sure there would be no game plan without coffee so he slung back the covers and headed to the kitchen.
      Two hours later, Sam shuffled into the kitchen hair in his eyes, bare feet and rubbing sleep from his eyes. Dean smiled. "Good morning", he said, affection in his voice. "Need coffee?" His brother slumped into a chair, hands holding his head. He mumbled something that sounded like coffeeyes to Dean who got up to pour him a large mug. While Dean preferred coffee black, he kept an array flavored creamers for Sam. He added rum cake to the strong brew and put the mug beside his brother. A large  hand wrapped around the cup and in a minute or two Sam was able to speak coherently.
     "What are you doing awake so early Dean? It's barely seven."
    Dean poured himself a fourth cup of coffee. "Just woke up. Listen Sam, I've got some things I need to take care of. So I'll been gone for a few hours. You good?"
    Sam looked up at Dean. He seemed okay. No signs of distress, he wasn't acting like he was hiding things. Besides, there were a few things Sam wanted to take care of too. "Sure Dean. I have some stuff to do around here and.." He broke off trying to sound non noncommittal and like he himself had no plans. Dean cocked an eyebrow. A little too easy but he wasn't going to argue. If Sam were up to something he was sure he'd find out sooner or later.
     "Okay. I'll be back this afternoon. See you." Dean picked up his keys and pulled on his jacket. Sam watched and when he heard the door close, he hurried to shower and get his own plans started.
     Dean enjoyed the two hour drive to Junction City. Let's face it, he said to himself, Lebanon isn't exactly a great shopping district. He knew the malls and department stores would be teeming with last minute shoppers. It was Christmas Eve after all. But Dean was excited. A man on a mission. He could g handle the crowds. He somehow scored a close parking place and headed into the crowded mall.
     Meanwhile Sam had showered, dressed and had a second cup of coffee. He was sitting at the kitchen table running his hand through damp hair and making a list when Cas appeared. "Good morning Sam," the angel said as he poured himself a cup of coffee. "What are you doing?"
    Sam looked up."Hey Cas. I was making a list. It's Christmas Eve and I wanted to go find a present for Dean, maybe shop for a really nice dinner. Thought we could celebrate a little. I don't know." Cas nodded. He frowned a little. As long as Sam was making plans, if Dean wasn't around, Cas had a plan of his own.
   "Where's Dean?" Cas asked.
    "He said he'd be out until late afternoon." Sam finished his list. "You want to come with me?" he offered.
   "Uh no.  I have things to do as well.But thank you Sam. When will you be back?"
     Sam shrugged his coat on. "Two, three hours." He patted the angel on the shoulder as he pocketed his keys and headed out for his errands.
      Cas smiled to himself. He hoped he had time to accomplish his own little mission.
     Dean was pleased with his purchases. He'd found warn scarves and gloves for both Sam and Cas, several books he'd gleaned from Sam's Amazon wish list and a a boxed set of  Buffy the Vampire dvds for Cas,  in part because he would enjoy it too. He decided it was worth it to have the gifts wrapped as his own wrapping skills were less than expert.
The very pretty girl in gift wrap blushed when he complimented her sweater and made his gifts extra special and Dean left the large department store with a shopping bag full of remembrances for his loved ones and a smile on his face. He was also hungry and there was a food court full of tempting choices. After a quick slice of pizza and a large coke he started back to the car when he saw a candy store and had to stop. He bought assorted truffles because he thought Sam would like them and because it reminded him of that last Christmas with Mom, two pounds of fudge, one each chocolate and vanilla. Satisfied, he made his way to the Impala. Since he was alone, he allowed himself the guilty pleasure of listening to the all Christmas Carol station as he pointed the car towards the bunker.
    Sam didn't go quite as far as Dean. He liked the few shops downtown and he made quick work of his shopping. He selected a warm but very soft gray v neck sweater for Dean, knowing it was one Dean would like but never buy for himself. He bought Cas a blue flannel shirt because he thought the angel needed something more casual to wear while catching up on his Netflix series. His next stop was to the gift shop on the corner that he had noticed the next items on his list. He quickly found the vintage Batman comic books he'd seen before and on impulse selected an action figure of said hero. He found a coffee mug for Cas that would easily hold two cups and it was a cheerful red plaid he knew Cas would enjoy. Unlike Dean, Sam purchased paper, ribbons and tags. He then headed to the little food market across the street. He hummed White Christmas as he gathered his supplies.
     Sam let himself in through the garage and put his gifts in his room. Cas wasn't around so Sam took the groceries into the kitchen. He wasn't as good a cook as Dean but he thought he could handle this. Following the recipe he'd written down, he put a roast surrounded by carrots, onions and whole new potatoes seasoned with salt, pepper and rosemary into a roasting pan. He covered it and slid it into the oven. He assembled a salad, put rolls on a baking dish for later and put the lattice topped apple cranberry pie he'd bought on the counter. He went into his room to wrap his gifts, never once checking the library for Cas.
    When Dean arrived home he started down the stairs. His nose detected the scent of something delicious cooking but it was the sight of the beautifully decorated Christmas tree he saw in the library that stopped him in his tracks. There stood Cas admiring his own handiwork. Dean walked to the tree, a huge smile on his face. " Cas, did you do this?"
   The angel returned the huge smile. "Yes.Merry Christmas Dean." Dean sat his bag of gifts down.
  "Thanks man. Cas it's beautiful. Really. Here, I have presents. He carefully placed them around the tree. "Looks like Christmas huh?" He stood up.
   "Cas? " Sam's voice echoed through the bunker. Cars and Dean laughed.
   "In here Sam!" Sam followed Cas' voice and was just as surprised as Dean to see the tree but he broke out a wide dimpled grin. Dean looked so happy he felt excited. He had his hands full of his own gifts and he eagerly placed his own under the tree.
   "So, what smells so good?" Dean inquired. " Looks like every one is in the spirit today. Do I need to check on that?"
   Sam huffed. "I got it covered. How bout a drink?" He moved to pour them each one. "And there's a movie in the player." All three of them settled into the comfortable furniture as Sam started the movie.
    Two hours later as the credits rolled, Dean would deny the tears he was blinking back as George Bailey's friends helped him and Sam smiled when his brother wasn't looking. "Angels don't really have to earn wings but I did enjoy that."Cas said.
    "Just a story Cas." Dean said. "How long til we eat Sam?" Sam stretched and grinned." Should be about ready. Let me go check." He left Dean and Cas discussing A Wonderful Life and went to the kitchen.
     Following Sam's excellent dinner, the boys and the angel returned to the tree. Sam began handing out presents. They spent an hour opening gifts and exclaiming thanks. It was pleasant and normal and Dean looked oddly at his brother and best friend.
    "Dean? You okay?"Sam left his chair to crouch in front of his brother. Dean looked at the floor, willing himself to contain the emotions welling up inside him. He nodded. Sam reached a hand around his neck, squeezing. "It's okay Dean. This was good. We're all okay." Dean let his head drop forward on Sam's shoulder. For just a minute he gave into that memory of being  almost four and Santa bringing Batman and then he looked down at the Batman in his hand and lifted his head.
   "This is awesome" he said to Sam raising the figure up. "I got one that last Christmas."
   Sam smiled. "Mom's last Christmas? What else did you get?"
   Dean said, "A hot wheels track and a fire truck. Really big fire truck. But that wasn't my best gift." He looked about four to Sam right now,  with the wistful look in eyes.
  "No? What was the best gift you got that year?" Dean's green eyes watered.
    "You. I, they told me I was going to be a big brother that day. "
    Sam choked back a little sob. "And look how that turned out for you."  He joked lighten the mood. His brother reached out and squeezed his arm.
    "Yeah. Look at that." He sat fully up and said, "Guess we should clean up this mess." As Sam and Cas began picking up discarded wrappings he thought to himself, best thing that ever happened to me Sam. He picked up the action figure and placed it under the tree with the rest of their gifts. And he remembered.
   "You're going to be a wonderful big brother Dean" Mom had said, kissing his forehead.
   "I'll try really hard Mommy" his almost four year old self had replied. He looked at Sam, laughing with Cas and whispered, "Still trying Mom."
 

Perfect Landing Tag to I1.04

   Home again. Dean maneuvered Baby into the garage. He was beyond exhausted. Sam was sound asleep in the seat beside him. He ran a gentle hand over the dashboard.  " I'm sorry Baby. " He'd fix her. He'd done it before....more than once. He sighed, running a hand down his face. He was so freaking tired. He shook Sam slightly.  " Hey. Sammy. Wake up. We're home." His brother stirred, opened his eyes. He stretched his arms and unfolded his long body
   "I need a shower. I need a bed." Dean smiled. He wanted.to tease Sam about his fling the night before. But he saw the real exhaustion in his brother's eyes. It could wait. Dean certainly wasn't finished giving Sam grief over his ' night moves' but not tonight
    "Okay . Let's get you in." They opened both doors, grabbed duffles and made their way up the stairs to the main floor. Dean sighed as he stepped inside. As they made their.way through the kitchen to their rooms Dean stumbled a little. Sam stopped, steadying him, gripping his arm.
    "You okay?" Dean nodded. Sam didn't let go until they were at Dean's door. " I'm going to get cleaned up. How about you? You need any medical attention first?" Dean leaned in the door frame.
     "Nah. I'm good." He did need to fix up the bite on his neck and probably Cas could do that. Sam nodded and kept on down the hall to his own room. He laughed when he found Cas sitting on the floor leaning against his bed totally engrossed in season 2 of Orange is the New Black. The angel looked up surprised and paused his show. He took in Sam's bloody face and stood up.
   "Hey Cas", Sam said. "You figured out Netflix huh?" Cas smiled.
 "It's quite amazing, these collections of television shows and movies. Let me fix that." Cas reached out two fingers and touched Sam, healing the wounds from the encounter in Oregon. "Where's Dean?", he asked. Both he and Sam were protective of Dean ever since the mark of Cain. Sam put his hand on the angel's shoulder.
  "He's okay Cas. He's in his room. But you could fix him up too. I'm going to shower and change and Dean needs to also."
    As Sam gathered his essentials for bed and went to the shower room Cas went to Dean's bedroom. He called softly, "Dean?" He paused at the door and what he saw brought tears to his eyes. There was Dean, his face covered in blood, some kind of angry bite mark on his neck. That was concerning enough but the fact that Dean was looking at a picture of John Winchester and the boys with tears streaming down his face made Cas wonder what had happened while they were away. He moved to where Dean stood in front of the small dresser where he kept his few family pictures. Placing a hand on his friend's arm he said again, "Dean". Dean looked up. He gave the angel a half smile, full of affection but clouded still with sadness.

  "Hey Cas", he started. His voice was ragged, rough with fatigue and emotion. He struggled to keep the tears out of it. The angel touched the side of his neck and Dean winced as he was healed. As usual after being " fixed up" by Cas he felt a slight headache coming on. "Thanks. How are you?" He hoped from the rested look of him their friend was better himself.
   "I feel much improved. I like Netflix. I find it restful." Dean chuckled. This earned him a small smile from Cas. "Dean, you were crying. Is there something.."
     Dean held up a hand. "No Cas. I'm good. Just really tired." Before Cas could reply Sam appeared in pajamas with wet hair. He smelled fresh and clean and Dean wanted to feel that way too.

    "You hungry Dean?" Sam inquired. Suddenly he was starving. His brother smiled just a little. And felt guilty for not stopping to feed Sam along the way. But Baby was so beat up and so we're they.
  "Yeah. Give me five minutes to shower and I'll cook some breakfast." He pulled clean clothes for himself out of the dresser.
   "I can ..." Sam began. Dean turned with a raised eyebrow.Sam laughed. His kitchen skills were often taunted by his brother. He raised his hands in surrender. " Okay. Five minutes . "
    A little longer than five minutes found Dean also fresh and in pajamas in the kitchen with Sam and Cas who were drinking coffee. "That's gonna wake you up Sammy and you need to sleep."
   Sam said, "It's decaf". Dean snorted. His way of saying then it's not really coffee. He set about frying bacon, scrambling eggs with cheese,making toast. He listened to Sam and Cas making comfortable small talk but was quiet himself. He put the food on plates, got out jam for the toast, poured himself a cup of the not-coffee and sat down. He tried to eat. He made sure Sam was. But something was keeping him from ploughing into his breakfast. He should be starving. He should be ecstatic they and poor wrecked Baby were safely here. Something felt lodged in his throat like he had a giant golf ball stuck in it. Emotion  washed over him and despite the fact that it was only him and his baby brother and his best friend he was Dean Winchester after all and he didn't want to lose it in front of them. What the hell was wrong with him? He choked back a sob and pushed himself to his feet, hurrying to the sanctuary of his room despite both Sam and Cas calling his name. Dean slammed his door shut. He paced the floor, hands clutching his short hair, trying not to start sobbing.

  In his head he heard Dad saying, "You know a little something about cars do you?" He could see an older John handing him the keys "You want her? She's yours." Saw him on the side of the road outside Salvation. "Touch up your car Dean. I wouldn't have given you the damn thing if I'd known you were going to ruin it." He saw himself with the sledge hammer in Bobby' s yard smashing his beloved car. He flashed back to finding her abandoned and destroyed when Zacariah sent him to the future. So many times he'd let Baby down and she'd been so much a part of his life, like a real person. She was his only tangible link to Dad, she had been there when Mom was alive, she'd been Sam's link to him in Hell and Purgatory. Mainly she had been a home, a refuge. How many times he'd slept in her alone when Sam was at college and Dad had left him behind.
   He closed his eyes, trying to stop what he feared was going to be an epic chick flick moment when he felt large hands gently pull his hands from his hair and strong arms circling around him. He pressed his face against Sam's shoulder, put his own arms around his brother. He stopped fighting the tears and let them fall. It was just him and Sam. Sam got it. He didn't have to explain. His brother tightened his hug, pulling Dean even closer. " I gotcha " Sam whispered close to his ear.
    It only took a few minutes for Dean to pull it together. He pushed back a little and looked at Sam never ceasing to be amazed he had to look up at the kid. The kid. The kid who was no longer that but to Dean that's what he'd always be. He didn't speak. Just nodded and Sam patted the side of his face. Sam released Dean and moved to pull back the covers on his bed. "Get some rest Dean. We're safe. Baby's safe. It's all good." Dean sighed. Sam was right. He sank gratefully into his memory foam mattress onto the pillows Sam had piled up. Sam pulled the blankets up over him, rested his hand on Dean's head briefly before moving to the door where he turned out the light. He left the door open. As he drifted off Dean heard Cas ask if he was okay. Heard Sam reply, "He's good. Nothing sleep won't fix." He relaxed and he dreamed.
   He was sixteen and Dad was teaching him to drive. Sam was in the back seat just itching for a turn. He pulled into the driveway of the house in Lawrence and as he turned off the ignition, he looked over at Dad who gave him the same wide dimpled grin his brother had. " Perfect landing son".

Feeling Alone

 Rule #1 Feel free to express yourself IF it expresses the same opinion as the rest of fandom. I found out quickly you can get hurt really bad by this one. Even if you don't tag anyone. Even if it's not really directed at fans specifically. I hate the word "dork". Where I come from we were taught never to use it. It has two very impolite meanings and we are taught in the south never to be impolite.  I am told it supposedly means goofball.(By at least ten ppl) Ok. But why are Jensen and Jared goofy all the time? I see this 50 plus times a day on my tl So use it. I won't and from now on I won't express any opinion.. Also you can't not approve of shipping, particularly Destiel because this will earn you multiple hate tweets even when you tag or mention no one.....

  I have been in the fandom three years. I am basically a nobody. I have no big following. Heck I'm not even sure on any given day if my friends are going to like me. I guess I wanted to really believe in the #SPNFamily thing. But here lately I get the feeling people just want me to leave. I have had direct messages basically telling me I don't belong and don't "deserve" Jensen and worse. If I don't like something someone says I don't tell them they are unworthy or ugly or old or stupid.And I've been called all of that recently. That isn't how you treat  people. I hate to say this but I think if I told Jensen the things that have been said to me, he'd be upset. Of course I wouldn't. I don't ever want him to know  some of his fans are mean to other fans. Maybe some folks can let this stuff roll off their backs. I can't. I am pretty sensitive. Especially when it comes to feeling like I belong somewhere and anything related to Supernatural. It's hard to think people have your back and then they don't. It's hard to invest and get hurt. It's hard to put yourself out there at all when you're afraid your voice is either not heard, not valued or plain silenced.  I know there are tons of wonderful fans out there. There have to be for this to keep going. What saddens me the most is feeling like just being me isn't enough. Jared says "You're not alone". So many days that's how I feel though . Alone in this big fandom.. I can't stop loving Supernatural or Jensen and frankly I need the fandom . I need to see the pictures and the squee etc. I literally joined Twitter because of fandom. To talk to and be accepted by fans of my show.To share something big. I DO have some very special friends in here. Some of the ones I love the most. I don't want to be fandom famous. I just want to be able to be here, say what I feel, share my own passions and not be afraid of what people are going to say that will be hurtful. I am pretty shell shocked, walking wounded right now. I'm not afraid of debate. I'm scared as hell about full on insults because I've been battling a scarred self esteem for several months. I am going to PasCon and I don't want to be in the Jensen photo ops line hearing "You don't deserve him" in my head but it's there already. The question is why don't I? Because of my looks, my age, my opinions? What makes one fan more worthy than another? Because I don't think he sees any difference. I think he sees our love for him  and nothing else. Because he still believes it's a family. Which I want to more than anything. We'll see how it goes after the con I guess. I can't and won't leave. I think I belong. To feel afraid in your family can be devastating. I am trusting I can get to the point where I feel at home here again. It may be I have to fight for it. I may have to just be a silent observer, I may have to just squee and not have opinions. I wish my illusions hadn't been shattered. I wish I was confident this is my place. I used to feel that way. I am trying to believe Jared's words....but I still feel pretty alone.  Still when it's all said and done...I love Supernatural. I love Dean Winchester. I love Jensen Ackles. They saved me. So I deserve to love them.  I deserve my twenty seconds of photo time just like anyone else. I'm betting on him thinking I do too.

Haters Gonna Hate

 Okay. So today I have been totally insulted on my own Twitter page. I've been called stupid,old,pitiful and told to shut up because I expressed an opinion on my own page about a Jensen and Misha panel. I actually had someone say this and I quote it :"Grown women who are like 40 with fan accounts are so terrifying like what did you do to come to this point this isn't even your generation". So First I do not have a fan account. I have a personal account. And not my generation? Excuse me but the Winchester boys aren't teenagers. Dean is 36 and Sam 32. Jensen is 37 and Misha is 41.Mark is fifty one. This is not a teenybopper show. Never has been. The major demographic of fans is  28-45 year old women. It's not fair to say someone can't be a fan if they are not twenty something. For the record I have seen plenty of 60 something women in photo ops online.
Today Twitter has been full of Sam and Jared hate and all of it I've seen is from people who claim they are die hard Jensen fans. Ok. You can't seriously think he'd approve of someone hating on his co-star and best friend? Maybe some people aren't aware that might be hurtful to Jensen and God forbid Jared. You don't have to like someone but to publically hate on them is not what family would do. I have been so happy in fandom until recently. Why is there this need every time the new season starts the hate starts? I have had some really ugly things said to and about me today and I didn't tag any one but Creation on my initial tweet. I was told by a Cockackles fan to shut up.  I was called presumptuous because I said "no one's a bigger fan than me"  when what I meant was not that literally. I eat sleep and breathe Supernatural. I love Dean Winchester so much his death and resurrection as a demon made me physically ill and I may never get completely over it. I love Jensen Ackles more than life itself. But I can't stand the hate. Why does everything lately relate to Cas and Dean? The show is the brothers. Cas is a nice secondary character. He isn't Dean's brother or his lover. He's a close friend, an ally  but Sam is Dean's significant other and no one else can be. It's who he is. He would pick Sam over John. And that's true. But in digressing I lose my point. I shouldn't be attacked on my own page. People in this fandom seem to love arguing. It's exhausting. I feel like curling up in a ball and crying because I feel like I got jumped by a whole gang. I don't think Jensen would like  fans being mean to fans. I fought back. I did. Because I felt attacked. And just think if someone as secure in their Supernatural love as I am feels this way how does this affect people much more fragile? Serious damage can be done with words y'all. Everyone wants the last say. Jensen and Jared give way too much of themselves. They are nice to people who say horrible things all over social media about them and their show and they just don't know. I guess I couldn't stand there hugging Jensen and feel right if I called Jared trash and unimportant and a liar and an attention who're because the main man in my world loves him a hell of a lot. I couldn't take the chance he'd see my tweets somehow and feel less about me. Jared is an awesome guy who gives way too much to his fans. He's also SamFucking Winchester to Jensen's Dean and that's Supernatural folks. The brothers. I think I might have lost some faith in the SPNFamily today. I am sorry I had as n opinion I guess regarding certain panel options but I didn't attack anyone until I felt fight or flight impulses. So I'm done. Excuse me while I go cry and let my hurt feelings heal. But there's one thing I want to leave you with. MY generation DOES love this show and these men and we are all walks of life and what brought us here is the same as any teenager or twenty something. It changed our lives and made us happier. So.

Don't Change Cons

  So I'm seeing a lot of talk about asking Creation to have solo panels. First of all having the boys together is a Creation hallmark. Second the boys are there for one day. Thirdly, this isn't the same and I have never done it but there are meet and greets. Personally I don't want solo panels. Or one of the boys and Misha. That's not the Creation way to do things. Asylum and JIB are long cons during hiatus. The guys give up a lot of their time to come do one day with us at Cons. To ask for more is selfish. I like the way Creation runs their weekends. I personally don't want any changes. I am sure there are people who will argue or disagree. The reality also is to do that Creation would have to charge more. Also if you do that some where you'd miss out on someone. Creation has the system worked out. Not saying I can ever get enough of Jensen or Jared but them together works. Also I keep seeing how it's unfair to Gold patrons to not have solo included. The truly great thing is every seat at a Creation con gets a J2 panel. Gold has an extra. If you can do gold lucky you. I wish people would stop complaining. If you want solo panels go to Europe. I think asking more of Jensen and Jared is too much during the filming season. Save up for a meet and greet. And remember some people haven't and might not ever get to go to a con so let's be grateful if we have.

Til Next Time

   Dean looked at his watch. 8:00. He smiled just a little to himself like he always did when he got to see her. He would never really understand why he kept going back. Going back wasn't really his style. But there was just something about her. He picked up his jacket.
   "Where are you going?" Sam looked up. Dean seemed happy and that seemed weird. Good but definitely not usual.
  "Out." That's all his brother would say."Don't wait up." Dean pocketed the keys to the Impala, leaving Sam wondering where the hell he was going. Inside the car he pulled out his phone and scrolled down. Debbie. He smiled again. I'm on my way he texted.
   She saw him when he came in the bar. He had that soft gaze in those green eyes and that slow sweet smile creeping over his perfect lips and just like every time he came back. It might be a year in between visits, with a call late at night or a random text. But still every time he just made her melt inside. He sat on the stool at the end of the bar just like he had that night ten years ago. He's been so sad and alone that night. Not like tonight. Tonight his green eyes were smiling, crinkles showing just a little age. She paused tray in hand as she rounded the corner of the bar. He reached out and wrapped his hand around her wrist, pulling her close
  She smiled up at him. He said "Hello sweetheart." His lips were close to hers and she wanted to kiss him. He wanted to kiss her too. She could tell.
   "Easy there cowboy," she laughed. "I get off in half an hour. You need a beer?" Dean turned her loose.
   "I want more than that. But yeah I'll take a beer." The tone of his voice was rough and low. It made her shiver slightly. He smiled a more naughty smile.
    "You got both." She whispered her response and he let her go. She returned with an El Sol and sat it in front of him. He raised the bottle to those perfect lips and watched her interact with her customers. She felt pretty and special and cherished because Dean Winchester was all eyes for her.
    Half an hour later he was leaning on the Impala when she exited the bar. She hurried to him and felt his arms go around her,enveloping her with himself as he pulled her tight against his chest. His lips sought hers and she kissed him back with passion. "God I missed you," he whispered his mouth close to her ear as he placed a kiss on her neck. "Let's go to your place" he said. He kissed her again and she thought she might die from happiness.
    She sighed and he laughed. "What?" He rolled over to face her and pushed himself up on one elbow
   "Nothing. You sounded cute." He reached out and pulled her close. Pressing her head into his chest he brushed her hair back.She snuggled closer feeling safe and warm and loved. It was always this way when he was here. Had been since that first night. She knew he would go soon. He never stayed but he always came back. She knew it was silly to love him so much. Dean wasn't the man who was going to marry you or have a family but he had ruined her for other men.
   "Dean..." She began. He looked down at her. What the hell why not be honest. " I love you." She waited for him to stiffen up. For him to go. He didn't. He pulled her even closer and kissed the top of her head.
   " I know." He kissed her forehead. "Love you too". Her eyes misted over and a tear escaped and ran down her cheek. He thumbed it away and when she looked up at him his eyes were glassy too.
   "Do you have to go?" She was sure he would. He always did.
      He shook his head, pulling the covers over them, settling his head against hers."No. I can stay." She allowed sleep to claim her as she dozed off in his arms. He was so beautiful as she looked up at him once more, his lashes much too long to belong to a man. He looked content,saited and peaceful. They slept.
      The next morning he was gone. His pillow still smelled like him and she hugged it to her. Rolling over she saw the note he'd left on the nightstand. She picked it up and read it.
     "Bye beautiful. Til next time. Love, Dean. " She'd be waiting. She'd wait forever. Because it was Dean. Because she knew he'd come back. She pressed the note to her heart and hugged his pillow giving in to the tears.

The Creation Disclaimer

So it's on all our minds that some people have over shared to the guys in photo ops,autographs and even panel time. I do not discount these stories but I feel some restraint should be used. The boys aren't there to be therapists and yes Jared seems to get the brunt of it. He's much more openly emotional than Jensen.
  On the other hand, Creation used the word burdening the stars and this is a little harsh. They don't feel that way. It's just too much is too much. I feel that I pay a lot of hard earned cash for my moments with the stars. I feel it's ok and also should be allowed for a paying customer to say thanks and love in the few moments he or she paid for. You can be positive. You can do it succinctly and in the time you are allowed. I hope Creation does not intend to go to a step up smile you're gone routine because a few overstepped the boundaries. It's what makes a con special and let's face it we all wait for our 45 seconds of heaven! And pay dearly for it. The reason we all love Creation cons is that we DO have this chance to actually be near the boys.
  Yes Jared left himself open and he does care about these things. Jensen does too. To post simply to a FB page however just means you still have a one in five million chance they will ever see it. So what can we do? Maybe fans could start a posting place to help and encourage one another? Maybe something like watch parties but SPN fan support groups? My mind is wondering and considering. I invite a conversation on this because I am happy to be a builder for something like this . We all wish for some personal time with Jensen and Jared. But in reality we MOST of us get our paid for time. So some family support at another place would be nice.
 Lately  I have been struggling with the whole idea of be grateful and not taking things for granted. My last little stretch of existence hasn't been easy. I'm not suicidal or any of the big bad dark things but circumstances have made me appreciate the #AKF because life's struggles are not limited to self harm and mental illness and I know from very close family members that is hard. But sometimes LIFE is just hard. And I personally think the guys would hug me and encourage me just as much for those struggles.
 Creation is right to keep personal stories out of the panels and to ask fans to keep things quick and not traumatic in ops. As much as they want to and our boys DO want to be there for everyone they can't. I know for me a personal conversation with Jensen would make my whole life but in reality if I get three sentences it's enough. Please Creation don't take away our chance to say thanks and love.

Pictures,Posts and Selfies...Be Kind

  So filming is in full swing and so is Con Season. I love cons. I'm planning on three this year. So I'm addicted clearly. I love this show so much. I have really been thinking a lot about all the pictures we are seeing from the set though. When did it become a THING to stand around for 7 hours and try to get selfless with the guys? I guess there are a few reasons I feel odd about it. One is again it's this sense of fandom competition. There was a group of people putting out selfies for days. Ok. Good. You had an opportunity. You shared it. But how? I think if you're going to complain about retweets,pins,crops, don't post. It's going to happen. For the record, the whole credit for pictures? I promise if I ever have pictures of the boys and I post them please use them with my joy and happiness. I am willing to share if that happens. To put pictures out and make snide comments about it...I don't know. Someone is bound to say you're jealous. Perhaps. Not insanely so.I would love a picture I didn't pay for. There in is another problem MOST of us  do have to pay for our pictures.So if you're lucky enough to have a random shot, please treat others gently. Remember also not everyone out there is going to be able .to go to a con either so telling everyone ten times you have 20 photo ops isn't gentle either. I try to be and really feel so grateful for my photo ops and con experiences. I guess too I worry about safety on set too. Again MOST people are just trying to see their favorite actors. But there's always the what if lurking back there. Our boys are so sweet and trusting which is wonderful. I am probably over cautious but it bothers me from time to time. Again, I'm really happy when people are happy. Lately I've felt like there is so much competition to be the best fan or a better one. You're no less a fan and no less valued by Jensen and Jared if you go to a con general admission or Gold. Or if you don't. Sometimes I have felt that you aren't Gold thing at cons and it kinda sucks. I have never had anything but a great con experience but if we're not all really thinking what we tweet and post there are fans who will get hurt. Not because you , me or they mean to. This is a complicated deep meaning thing we're all in. Fangirling goes way beyond looking at some cute guys where Supernatural is concerned. Because of the way we attach ourselves to the content, characters and actors it can get personal really quick. I guess I'm suggesting what? Fandom etiquette? Be kind and thoughtful when posting. It's a family and you don't want to hurt your family.Share. Post and squee. But do in a nice way. There are always people wanting to be where you are. I love seeing pictures and hearing stories. Just be kind. 💓

My Hero's Name is Jensen

    I am writing this from my heart. It's been weighing on me ever since yesterday at ComicCon. Some people won't agree and that's okay. These are my thoughts and feelings and observations and I would never expect anyone to always agree with me. That's what makes the world, and our Supernatural fandom so special.I was told recently by my dear friend Amy to never apologize for having an opinion or loving our show. So I'm not. It's just a warning that it may not be the most popular opinion.

     It concerns Jensen. Big surprise right? Let me first say the tribute to Jared and Always Keep Fighting was very nice and he was so touched. It meant a lot and I applaud the fans who put it together. It took a ton of work and your dedication is amazing. So is the love behind the gesture.I have issue that all the tributes to the Always Keep Fighting Campaign are only to Jared. As I recall the boys are a partnership. Moose and Squirrel together. I know Jared had a rough time this summer and I don't discount that. I was one of the first people to respond to his pleas for love. I love Jared very much so no one needs to go there. But let's not forget who carried on in the summer cons, trying his hardest to make sure he gave disappointed fans a great experience. He did not only his own photos and autos and panels but filled in the gaps for his missing best friend. He seemed all but exhausted himself when he returned.

  Then there was this:


And I was more touched then I can ever express. See I was this fan. Not so little or precious but I was so overwhelmed at meeting him in 2013 at VegasCon I lost it. Crying and unable to speak. At all. The handlers and the people in line behind me were more than a little annoyed but this guy held on to me and whispered reassurances and refused to let me be moved along or made to wait. That sweet look in his eyes? Yep. I've seen it. Just like that. It's real.

    Jensen is way more quiet than Jared, Misha and Mark. He maintains his emotions really well. He's not as much of a cryer. Thank goodness with fans like me out there! He's uncomfortable being the center of attention and I suspect even if he doesn't say it, he hates to feel he disappointed anyone either. He's truly the big brother of the cast. He's the one who is always there for the others, he praises them and thanks them and showcases their talent. He epitomizes the words brother and family. He gets a great deal of praise for being pretty and God is he ever!! But here's the thing, his heart is every bit as big, as caring as the others: for us, for excellent causes, for making the  world a better place. I think my fear is that he is the Dean character here too. Doing what he does because he loves everyone but rarely getting the recognition. He's beautiful inside and out. I know you know this. And I am not diminishing what Jared has done and shared in any way. It takes courage to speak out and to say I struggle with this. I don't know if Jensen has , he's never said except that season 9 was really hard and he was "in a dark place". He was like Dean I think and just pushed through it. He is the poster child for humility. This is a man who despite fans telling him otherwise still can't believe he has musical ability . He is totally unaware of his exceptional good looks or amazing talent. He is a fabulous example of a husband and father.He is the unsung hero, the one who gives the best he has to offer all the time and never thinks of himself first. This is rare and precious and should be celebrated.

   So where am I going? This is a partnership. Everyone says it's all about the brothers. Well, that's plural. I hope in the future that if tributes to Always Keep Fighting are done at cons it's to both of them. Jensen is deserving of just as many thanks for saving my life tributes as his adorable costar and buddy. He and Dean saved me.I don't have that dramatic a story and I wont bore you with it.All  I know is this show, this man and this family have put more happiness in my life than I can ever tell you.

    Again, Jared deserves the tribute, He deserves a high five for admitting he needed a break this summer.And for getting himself back to where he is, rested, happy and ready for season 11. All I'm saying is, there should be just as many rounds of applause for 'the smart little squirrel" that took care of him and all of us. Yes, I love him. I all but worship the guy but he's my hero for all the right reasons. Won't you join me in sending him a little thank you?

Respecting Jensen

   It's been a hard summer and I haven't written anything in a good while. I am sort of replying to something I saw on repeatedly on my Twitter TL yesterday. It involved  the "nomination" of Jensen and Misha as best tv chemistry for the TCAs. Okay I get it. Fans seem obsessed with the guys and the show winning awards. Any awards. Hardly a day goes by I am not bombarded with a dozen people asking me to vote for the boys for something.I absolutely feel they are worthy of every award out there. The PCAs and TCAs though are not truly awards. They are the result of fans spending hours clicking VOTE on their computer and phone screens. They are not judged critically like the Emmys or the Oscars(and for the record...you can't win an Oscar for tv y'all. It's for movies.Sorry had to.) and therefore they are manipulated by fans. That's why shows like Beauty and the Beast which is not on any level as good as Supernatural win them. Which brings me to the where I started. Jensen and Misha have been nominated for Destiel. It's being called chemistry but it's being hashtagged as Destiel. I realize some fans ship Dean and Cas. I try to be open minded and say if they ship that then go ahead. And it's really fine if you watch it and talk about with your friends and read and write fan fiction about it. If that's where it ends. If it's fun for you in your own belief, your own way of watching the show, our take on the relationships. The problem comes in in the way fans try to make it everyone's belief. First off, Destiel is not canon.And no amount of shippers trying to make it canon will change that.No amount of writer and show runner bashing will make it so.There are many problems with Destiel as canon that I doubt shippers really think about in their zeal to convince us they are right. Now before I delve into that let me say I am NOT homophobic. I have many very close gay friends. I don't judge. I supported the gay marriage bill and cried over the recent decision. It isn't about me or anyone else being homophobic if we don't ship.So don't go there. I am not trying to engage in a debate over the moral issues.

   Okay, Destiel poses several problems to the the story line.It's been established several times that the boys cannot be entangled in personal relationships beyond themselves.No romantic relationship has lasted. It hinders the job and the lifestyle is too hard. Some will argue that Cas understands.He does but he understands as an angel. Yes he's been human but he as Cas has never been in a "domestic" relationship.Let's say Dean and Cas become romantically involved, how does that impact the brother relationship? When they are home, Dean and Cas say goodnight and go to Dean's room? They have secret encounters outside in Baby? On the road Sam becomes a third wheel? It reduces the brother relationship. Do they all three share a room or do they now need to get two? Or, does Cas become a stay at home angel baking cookies? I sound sarcastic but you have to consider what alterations to the essential relationship of the brothers. Then there's the one thing no one ever considers. The boys have ended all of their other relationships. So eventually Cas will either have to go or be killed never to return. Is that what shippers want? No more Cas? As a friend and ally to both he is essential to the story. As a paramour of one, he becomes an accessory you can delete from the equation. Dean will always choose his brother. He sent Cas away when Gadreel told him to. He would do it again.

   That aside, Jensen is uncomfortable with Destiel. Time and again he has avoided answering questions about it. And he isn't homophobic either. He has supported his aunt and he partner openly.But he has played Dean straight for a decade and to change that alters who Dean is and changes the show. I and many other fans are personally offended by the recent Astroglide campaign and the "give him a tube of lube" at ComicCon to "celebrate" the Destiel nomination. It's too graphic and too crude and frankly it's disrespectful to an actor who has given more to fans than most actors will ever do. Why if you care about Jensen or love Dean as the character we know would you seek to make him feel awkward or uncomfortable in public? Jensen sees Cas as Dean's closest friend outside of Sam. He's also very respectful of the angel status, even tho he is wary of angels and questions God's role in his life, Dean wants to believe in these things and so Cas represents a higher place and being to Dean. He loves Cas but he isn't attracted to him. Jensen says, "...they are kindred spirits, they have a strong friendship". And that's where it ends. To change that changes the very face of the show as we know it.

   I may offend others by pointing this out, may lose folowers and that doesn't matter. What matters to me is that Supernatural, Dean Winchester and Jensen Ackles have made a difference in my life. More than words can express. I have so much love and respect for Jensen I cannot bear the thought of anyone doing anything to embarrass him. I hope the Comic Con goers will be respectful. He has his views and he's not stopping how you interpet the show.And he would surely be hurt by shippers being harassing or mean to fans who don't ship. This is a family. Jensen and Jared are the center. We need to be about giving them as much respect and love as they give us.That is so simple and so easy for me. Just something to think about. I'm done with my say now.

Dean Loves Sam

I can't sleep. It's late or early and all I can think about is Supernatural and what is going down between my boys/ It's been a hell of a road so far from "I'm proud of us" to "I think it should be you up there". The Mark of Cain and just all the collateral damage is what's making him say and do whatever is ahead. He isn't fully DEAN at the moment of he wouldn't say those things.Because at the very center of Dean Winchester's core, the main reason he's still living is SAM. Sam is the most important thing to him. Probably Sam is too important to him because most of the bad decisions he's made have been directly related to Sam and keeping Sam safe.It's who he is. The very fact that he would utter such words to his precious baby brother illustrates just how strongly the mark has taken hold. He wants so much to believe he can just live with the thing. He admitted to dark thoughts and violent urges last week. He's a very strong person. It's one of the reasons we love him, that ability to carry on, hold on to the hurt and get through.I have to hold on to his love for Sam if I am to believe he will be saved now or as Jensen said "down the line". I cried over that interview.I wanted him to tell me it would all be okay. But it's a Supernatural finale and I'm not that optimistic it can be a good thing. The last one nearly did me in. I know there are people who will say it's just a television show. But see, it's not. It's more than that. For me anyhow. It's a hero's journey. And the one part of the hero's journey that's hard is his down spiral into darkness. It's the test before the purification of the character. Dean's been tested and tortured but this is something else. This is can he survive becoming something else, making it back to his fully human self.Kind of like Anakin Skywalker , best of the best young Jedis becoming Darth Vader and finding his way back.(And no I'm not a major Star Wars scholar bit I've taught The Hero's Journey using Star Wars and Supernatural side by side.) How this will happen I don't know. Am I prepared for it? A resounding no. This show...it means more to me than almost anything else in my life. Besides my kids, right now it is my life.I am scared. And not afraid to admit it.Last year I missed all the spoilers  of what was to come. I watched my hero die in his brother's arms and a part of me died too. I grieved for Dean Winchester on a level I can not put in words. I was so hopeful when he was "cured". I tweeted "DEAN WINCHESTER IS SAVED and God I wanted to believe he was. I still believe in him, still believe he will be. I have to. The one thing though that makes Dean Dean is that love for Sam. And it's there. I do not for a second believe he will kill Sam.He said "No. Never." to Cain.  I believe in my heart of hears, Dean will tell Sam he loves him before this season is over, or at least show hm he does. I'm kinda afraid that "personal handwrittten note" Jensen was writing will say this to Sammy. And that scares me. It scares me so bad I don't want to not watch and yet I have to. I'm worried the fandom will divide on what Dean says and oh- Sam-deserves -it. I think it;s just better if we just remember this is the epic love story of Sam and Dean an try to love and support each other through it. To quote Dean, "Hell if this ain't whatever". I believe in my heart of hearts what he said to his brother at the church. There is nothing past or present that I would put before you. he's lived thirty two years for that. For loving Sam, taking care of him.Sam is his mission. His journey will always lead back to Sam. One way or another. There ain't no me if there ain't no you. It's still true. On both sides. I keep holding on to what Jared said at VegasCon 2013 "they love each other the same". I'm sad and maybe disappointed he let those cruel words of anger slip out to his brother but I can't fault him. He's not fully himself. God help us tonight and next week. But hang onto the love between these two. It can never be conquered.

Barely Holding On

       I just came down from an adrenaline rush from an argument I got myself into with someone on Twitter who I had an opposite opinion with. My timeline is full today with hate regarding the death of Charlie. Now here's my take on Charlie. She's a well written, well developed, well acted character that has been a good friend to the boys. I liked Charlie. I didn't love her more than any other "family" member the Winchesters have had. I realize they care for her. I am the only person I know in the fandom I think who isn't mourning her today. It was sad, unexpected...really good , suspense filled writing. My heart broke for the boys. It really did.
     I got myself in a thing on Twitter with someone who was discussing the sexual politics of Supernatural. I'm not homophobic, racist or supporting misogamy. Far from it. I have tried to raise my children to be free from prejudices. First off, I don't believe Supernatural espouses any of these. I don't think the boys are hateful to women....witches I will give you...vampires yes but they have also showed mercy to several women monsters. I think with the exception of Demon Dean and what's-her-name (I can't recall) the waitress, Dean has always been considerate and appreciative to his lovers and even just women they casually encounter. Cutting Sam some grace on the soulless thing, he is also very sweet to his GFs and even stops Dean being mean to female monsters. Rowena , let's face it is a bitch of a witch. She's played well too btw. So I'll give him grace on that too. And he hasn't hurt her. Just yelled a little. There was a list of women who'd died and I simply said, I didn't miss them. I don't need them. They served a purpose and they are gone. You can'y keep fifty characters around for a decade. Some of them have to go. Here's the thing. I don't watch the show for the "strong female" characters. I like how they are written and acted. Love Jody Mills for instance. But I watch for my men. My very manly, very often violent by nature of the job and the SL, men. Shoot me. I don't want them having wives and kids to come home to. I adore that Jensen and Jared do have that. But for Sam and Dean it would take away from their own relationship and has. You have to remember that these guys grew up devoid of a woman's influence and touch in their lives. So they lack real skill in something to mirror a real relationship by. Dad wasn't giving it to them. But they are respectful of women. So my thing....I guess  I was saying unsuccessfully that I and probably lots of others don't watch television for the feminist or sexual stands they make. I don't "ship" anyone. I  watch because it's a good story. Does say TVD make any stand on any of these things? Does The Walking Dead? Did Superman? Not that I've noticed and while I have seen The Walking Dead and Superman, I haven't TVD so don't get me if I missed something there.
     I am very protective of the show, especially of Dean but also of Sam. Honestly, this show has totally changed my life. At this moment in my life, I have given up every single thing that makes me me...my home, my job, my independence to take care of my mother who has Stage 4 cancer. The only part of what's essentially Angie that I have here with me is Supernatural. Lots of people, including a few of my friends and my own beautiful daughter have shared with y'all and Jared and Jensen about their battles with depression. Mine was not so much my own battle but watching loved ones. I had a bipolar husband who ultimately committed suicide. I have watched my very brave children work through that and come out on the good side. I found Supernatural as a single mom who was teaching emotional behavior disordered students and trying to live up to really hard expectations of what others wanted me to be. I had a mountain of responsibility and no one to really lean on. No one to look to for example. Enter Dean Winchester. He was brave, he had struggled and was struggling with his own baggage. He was also beautiful, extremely kind and loving to his family. He became my hero. Having that weekly thing to look forward to, knowing I identified so much with, being able to share it with my Sam girl daughter, meeting really good friends in the fandom. It means the world to me. It's my safe harbor. When my hero died last year, it was really hard. It was like real death of my loved one. I love Dean. He is real to me. The closest I have come to allowing myself to be depressed is the summer Dean died. I cried for like the first three days. I think in mourning for him I also grieved for the other things I hadn't allowed myself to.
   But back to the here and now. I actually don't want to be here. Of course I don't want my mom to have cancer. I don't want to feel like I do...trapped almost, without any real dreams of a future for myself at this point. But It's family. You do what you have to. Even when it's hard. A lesson I learned from the Winchesters but also from the rest of my life. I don't do things quite the way my mom would always like them done. I get criticized a lot by other family members who really aren't even helping at all. And right now, my safe haven is threatened. My hero and his brother are in a down spiral. I'm terrified of losing Dean again. Afraid for Sam. The winding down of the season is becoming my breaking point. I'm holding on for them. Hoping for the best but preparing for the worst...whatever that is. Things are bad in Winchester world. And gaining in intensity everyday in my real world. I don't say this for sympathy. I'll muddle through just like I always do. I'm just saying I'm barely holding on most days and if I offended anyone on Twitter I'm sorry. I'm not engaging in battle anymore for quite a while I think. I watch Supernatural for my boys, for my hero.I don't want to fight with anyone.  So, I'm sorry. Here's my olive branch. I think, I hope I'm an intelligent person who has good things to say. I try NOT to dwell in negativity but everyone can have a bad day at Blackrock.

FanGirling Over the Writers...and Misha (and of course Those fabulous Brothers!)

I woke up to my TL full of hate for last night's episode. I was
a little confused because even tho I wasn't ever a  big
Claire fan I found myself loving this episode. What's
NOT to love watching Dean Winchester play mini golf?
That aside I think I understand that people are upset to
upset that Dean said Cas saved the world? I am sure since
Robbie tweeted it was so that it was implied he helped to save it.
After all, we all know the Apocalypse was stopped by
"two boys, a fallen angel and an old drunk." Sam was the
one who made the sacrifice but they all helped. What I
find the most disturbing is that I keep reading comments about
Misha's acting being terrible. Now if you don't like a
character you can say I don't like Cas or John or whoever.
But to say something about a person that's so openly eide
and hurtful is wrong. Misha is a talented actor
And a very decent human being who has overcome a
great many obstacles other people wouldn't have been as
successful or as giving after. Then there's the ugly tweets to Robbie.
Robbie is a great writer who has been involved in the show
for a long time.  I've tried to be nice here but seriously?
Fans are NOT writers. They do NOT decide what's canon or
what gets written. Mean tweeting to the writers will NOT get you
what you want whether it's Destiel or more of an arc for Sam or
Dean or whatever. What it WILL do sooner or later
is our writers will leave social media and we will be like
any other show that gets no information from anyone. Do we want that? I don't.

Y'all haters pushed Adam away last year.Robbie was really classy
last nite about the hate. When you have a show that's lasted
as long as Supernatural, there will be little things
that don't always line up. In In the Beginning John was a mechanic from a family of mechanics and was told to say hi to his dad.Now I doubt very seriously in his wildest of dreams that bookish, adorable, MOL
Henry Winchester was a mechanic but no one screams Men of Letters aren't canon.
(I fix that in my mind by saying Milly must have remarried.)
As for more of a story for Sam..well I think y'all are getting it. And don't go
accusing me of not loving SAM because I do. And for the record
I don't like Demon Dean but it's part of the show and I am still
100% behind the writers. I think what people are missing here
from last night is that Dean was giving Claire something good
to hold on to. Which is very Dean. Thus very canon.  And let us not
forget the boys do love Cas. I was  blocked and hated on Twitter
once for saying this but it's true. Dean is the one who first called Cas
"family". If  Dean Winchester says it, it's canon enough for me.
Dean and Sam ARE the main relationship for each other but both
have deeply loved others. They will always choose each other so no one needs to worry.

I guess my point is as I have said before, watch it and be okay with it or...don't. If you want it changed to your head canon, write fan fic peeps.Lots of people, including me on occasion do. I think our writers, directors, producers and Jeremy deserve our utmost love and appreciation. THEY give us this wonderful experience known as Supernatural and have for a whole decade. We are the longest running Sci-Fi show ever and yes those boys are amazing actors but Dean and Sam are written for them by these writers. I personally want to go on record as fangirling over the production staff, especially the writers, the producers and Mr. Carver. And while I'm so much a Dean girl it's totes cray-cray to those around me, accolades to Misha. Because I love me some Team Free Will. I do.Remember y'all if the pretty boy angel hadn't raised him from Perdition, Sam would be lost, alone and have become God knows what and Dean, my precious baby would still be torturing souls in Hell. I'm pretty sure most of us don't want that to have been where it ended.the
 So thanks Robbie, Adam, all the other writers,Jeremy, Bob Singer and Jim Michaels and the production folks I can't name. You make my life just a little better by giving me the Winchesters.

Crushing Hate

   Okay. I love social media, particularly Twitter. I use it to communicate with friends, find out fandom facts and yes, to see pictures of J2 and their families. But there are pictures it's okay to see and pictures there aren't. Pictures you  go up to them and ask politely for are one thng, pictures they share are also great, pictures from a con you're at...awesome. But pictures you take paparazzi style in church, at playgrounds, restaurants and yes in funerals are not for public consumption. These are beautiful people who we all want to see. Ain't gonna lie y'all. The picture of the Ackles on Easter leaving church was precious. I saw it. Yes I looked at it. I didn't retweet it and I would never have taken or posted it. A new low to me tho is taking pictures at a funeral. I realize this girl was young and excited. I really fault the parent who took 30 pictures and sent them to her, making her think it was alright to post it. In the South we would would say that's not raising her right. I do not excuse others who used the pictures and weren't able to claim being a teenager as an excuse. I really feel that since Jensen and Danneel are such private people we as fans should respect that. He asked before JJ was born for us to be respectful and sensitive about pictures. They are generous to share often and so are Jared and Gen. 
    Which brings me to another subject I won't be as sweetly "southern" about. Hating on someone's baby is just wrong. Anyway you look at it. If you dare to do this you are NOT a fan. You are just an evil person. First off, that baby is gorgeous. She looks like her beautiful parents.So much like her daddy! She's a baby. Not even two yet and someone has the audacity to say things like about her that are so hateful?.  What the hell is wrong with someone if they would actually tag the child's parents with this crap? I woke up and saw all this. I do not know how it got on my TL...retweets and requests to block I suppose. I did block and report it. I literally broke down and cried over it. I hope other fans did too. The so called SPNantibullying account actually said PLEASE to these people about tagging the Ackles? How does that help? They are pretty much in my opinion allowing it to go on by doing this.You can't give these people an inch. Then they send out a plea to send positivity to Jensen and Danneel. Which I support.But how about a firm you are a hater, we are reporting you and asking fans to block you. They don't deserve our niceness. Or our asking them for anything.No second chances. Our boys and their beautiful families do not deserve any of this hate. I chalk it up to these people being jealous. That girl hating on Danneel a little while back saying Jensen needed some one as nice as her? Umm. No. If you hate on his girls, you don't deserve to lick his boots. I worship the ground this man walks on. I've never made a secret of my love for him and the character he plays. I hope that everyone out there who claims to be his fan wants him to be happy, to have his beautiful little family, that he keeps on sharing with us. The fact of the matter is he avoided Twitter etc for so long because of crap like this. Who would blame him if he just decided it wasn't worth it? There are people out there who are mean. Just plain mean. I've decided they are just unhappy with themselves and want everyone else unhappy too. Most of the fans are 100% supportive and the boys know this or they wouldn't give up 13 weekends a year away from their wives and kids to go to cons and be with us. I believe in the fandom as a whole. I do. I sincerely hope you will send them love today. Don't mention the hater. Just surround them with voices that say You're the best. Because they are. We are so lucky people. No other show out there has stars that care so much. Especially not the main characters. Have you considered that every single star that has been on the stage at a con says this is a family? EVERY SINGLE ONE. You don't treat your family bad. We can crush the hate . It's easy. Love our boys and their families today y'all. It'll make your Monday and theirs better.

On "Immaturity" and "Fictional Character" Love

Yeah I'm not telling my come back story from depression ( which I haven't had )or  sharing my all too real life front row seat with the  depression and suicide of a loved one (which I have had and don't want to comment on publicly ). No. I am talking about how some fans called me and others "trivial" and "in need of a life" because of "tweets about a fictional character". So get this. I admit I got upset when the CW tweeted Dean Winchester "always" acts immature. This is as far from true as gets. This is a man that never had a chance to be a child. He wasn't allowed to be "immature" not by his father, the life he lived or the fact that he practically raised his little brother who I might point out is only four years younger. Which means at ten he was caring for a six year old, often alone for days on end.My guess is he wasn't "immature" even then. I tweeted a "can't believe you said it" to the CW. So did many others. Was the comment really meant as a statement about his sense of humor? His lack of knowledge about some topics he might have missed being a responsible person while others, including his brother...who I adore so no one attack me as slandering Sam....knew about because they weren't in charge of a family all the time? Was it meant because sometimes Dean's portrayed as in Home as "not the sharpest tool in the shed?" (I HATE Missouri btw for saying that) or because he tries to find some sense of lightness occasionally in his otherwise dark world?  Aside from a few pranks on Sam back in S1 I don't remember "immaturity" on Dean's resume. I see a guy who is barely able to get through on a good day but manages to anyhow. I see a guy who despite any personal physical or emotional pain always puts his family and their needs first. I see a big brother who even though his own dreams never seemed to matter takes great pride in the accomplishments of his little brother. I see a man who would and has laid down his life for that brother. How is this immature? I guess I'm feeling a little angry here. I admire Jared more than I can say for his stand on and campaign for To Write On her Arms. I admire and appreciate it for many reasons personal and in general. I admire fans for being brave enough to share their stories.  I am thankful Jared is an amazing human being that has inspired so many to open up, to feel cared about and to be encouraged to help others. But I've also seen people saying  that Jensen's shirt wasn't for as good a cause even though it hasn't been mentioned what it was. I've even seen jokes about Jensen's shirt. THIS  I do know. It was for a charity. He didn't spend the proceeds on a vacation for him and Danneel or stick in JJ's college fund. Seriously people have to believe he supported a good and worthy organization with it. And  the "immature" Dean barb just seemed like fuel to my little anger fire. Again, I adore Jared. I support him and this cause. He is beyond wonderful.  I guess maybe at this point in my life, I may live more heavily in Winchester world than other people do. I am working through " I don't know, my own grown up, personal crap". I probably don't have a "real" life the way others define it. Doesn't mean I'm trivial. And as for caring for a "fictional character", I do. So. I love Dean Winchester. It's not a secret. I've never hidden that. I have framed pictures of him in my bedroom. I cried days on end when he died and became a demon. I  suffered through that as if I had really lost the love of my life. You can laugh. You can say I'm immature. I don't care. I don't think I'm alone in this one. I defend my love of him ( and Jensen) daily. But why should I have to ? Who am I hurting by loving a "fictional character?" No one. And if I get riled up at the CW or anyone else saying my man is "immature" so be it. I know better than to engage in tweet wars with( I'm sorry,) bitter Sam girls, or oddly Dean girls who I perceive don't "get" Dean but I do it anyway. Probably because I'm a little like Dean himself. You can't insult the people I love and me let it go by. Honestly I didn't really start the controversy I engaged in. I participated because I saw someone else trivialize what I thought was a big deal. So I got my own self into the little problem I'm currently having. maybe y'all think you have "better" things to do. Good for y'all. maybe you have "better" worries. Great. I have plenty. Yeah. I may have avoidance issues. I hide in Winchester world. Sometimes I like even their dark places better than mine. I don't tweet that I'm better than other people though. I just state my own opinions on my own timeline. And I'm "mature" enough to realize that if I put it out there someone will likely disagree. Which is okay. I guess where I'm going with this is this: Supernatural has very strong and talented actors who make the audience feel. More so than any other show I know of past or present. These are characters so well written they are real. How many people have you read about saying it changed their life? It did mine. Dean did. I saw myself in him. I wasn't near death. I wasn't hurting myself or anyone else. I was lonely as heck, scared of being alone and feeling like no one cared about me. And I have people who do love me but this is how I saw it at the time.I had had more struggles than anyone else I know. Seriously I am a poster child for Murphy's law. If it's weird and can happen to you, it will happen to me. Dean Winchester was someone I could connect to. Someone I could understand fully. So I fell in love with him. It's probably 100% certain there will never be a "real" guy in my life ever again. I'm not exactly what most of them are looking for. But there's Dean. And it makes me happy. He's my hero.And it makes me proud to say I love him. I don't feel trivial. I'm proud of us. And so proud of  Jensen. He has made this man real to all of us. There are days when I would prioritize differently  too I guess and I didn't want to offend anyone so I got off twitter and started blogging this. I still think CW needs to admit Supernatural is their most successful show and realize the fan base is hugely protective. My guess is they will after what I've seen! So, me and my "fictional character" boyfriend are okay because we both know he's not immature. We know where he's been and we'll go where he's going with courage and dignity. I suppose I just want Jensen to be recognized and for Dean to be validated. That being said, I cannot be more proud of BOTH our boys. We are so fortunate to have these men as our heroes on and off screen.

Mac and Cheese

Mac and Cheese

Sam sat slumped in the corner of the library sofa. He wasn't talking and he wasn't asleep. Dean was leaning in the doorway and he was worried. Worried because he knew Sam was worried, and he knew it was his fault. If there was no Mark of Cain, they'd be on a case, looking for the monster of the week and Sam would be researching something that actually had some real lore and a way to solve it. Ever since they'd returned from the Cain incident as Dean had begun calling it, Sam had been increasingly supportive and  affectionate towards Dean but discouraged because they, specifically he couldn't find a cure. Talking about it probably wouldn't help. Suggesting a movie or getting out of the bunker would be met with a sweetly dimpled smile and a "Sure Dean" but the fact remained the same. Sam wanted to find a cure. Dean knew in his heart of hearts Sammy was probably chasing lollipops and candy cane dreams. He so wanted it to be different. So wished he hadn't ever gone off in a huff after Gadreel, wished even more he hadn't put the emphasis on Abbadon and taken the stupid mark in the first place. Dean stopped himself. This wasn't helping and it surely wouldn't help Sam. Recounting the history over and over was just a way to increase the guilt on both of them. Cas was gone looking and so was Charlie and Dean felt like a caged animal pacing around the bunker while Sam combed through the same books over and over, sought out obscure websites until he fell in to an exhausted short nap and returned to the same. Dean glanced at his watch. Pushing six o'clock. They hadn't really eaten today. He was getting hungry and despite the fact that Sam was really just picking at food, he had to be hungry too. Dean decided he'd go into the kitchen and make a real dinner, he was sick of  the local fast food and he somehow felt doing something would at least make him feel better. He patted Sam on the arm as he walked past him. Sam looked up with his sad puppy eyes and half smiled. "Why don't you rest your eyes Sammy? I'm going to make us something to eat." Sam smiled again. He was tired. A short nap could be refreshing and so could real food. He had to admit Dean had become quite adept at cooking since they had a real kitchen.

"Okay. I will. Thanks Dean", he said, stretching his long frame out on the couch and toeing off his boots. Dean reached for the blanket they kept on the back of the sofa and pulled it over his brother, remembering for just a minute tucking in little Sam. He gazed down at Sam with a nostalgic look and knew what he wanted to make for dinner. "What?", Sam asked stifling a yawn.

"Nothing. You rest up. I'll have dinner ready in a little bit okay?" Sam closed his eyes and put his hands behind his head and settled in. Dean smiled fondly and headed to the kitchen. Once there he began opening the cabinets and the fridge , gathering supplies. How many nights he wondered had he made dinner for Sam and himself when they were kids? Way more than he should have he supposed except at the time it just seemed normal. He'd never known at eight or ten or fifteen that there was anything else except to make sure there was dinner, regardless of if Dad were there or not. Feeding them had  simply been part of his job, however that had to happen and whatever it had to be due to circumstances or location. If that meant hustling pool or  yes, even on occasion, stealing or going hungry himself then that's what it meant. Tonight however none of those scenarios applied. Tonight they were well stocked and comfortable and Dean was content, almost happy as he started the preparations. He preheated the oven and got to work. As he did ,his mind wandered.

“I came up with about 101 different ways to make macaroni and cheese. Add ketchup for spice, tuna, hot dogs, fluff marshmallow mix. My brother thought it was exotic.”

Eureka Springs Arkansas 1988

It was getting dark. Dean had been helping five year old Sam with his kindergarten homework. Dean couldn't really believe kids in kindergarten actually needed homework. At least Sammy didn't. The kid was a regular genius and Dean was proud of him. Sam had correctly spelled all ten of his sight words, made them into sentences and completed six math addition and six subtraction problems correctly as well. "Why don't you get a bath Sammy and I'll make dinner?", he'd said as they cleaned up the work spread before them and carefully put it all in Sam's backpack ready for tomorrow. Dean would have to do his own homework after Sam was in bed because Dean was a stickler for a regular bedtime when he was in charge. Sometimes if they were along for the ride with Dad, bedtimes changed but when they were fairly stationary for a little while, Dean made sure they followed a schedule. Sam seemed to crave this normality, to thrive on it and even at nine, almost ten, Dean knew this was best for kids. It never  occurred to him that he would also benefit from a more normal lifestyle. All he knew was this. Taking care of Sam. Dad had given him this job and he intended to do a good job of it. For Dad, because those were his orders ,but also because of Sam. There was nothing Dean wouldn't do for Sam. He loved him. It was that simple. He didn't resent taking care of his little brother. Sometimes, if he were very honest he felt angry at Dad for leaving them alone, for making it harder by moving around all the time, for being gone longer than he said he'd be and for letting the grocery money run out. That made it scarier to keep going but Dean just knew he had to make things seem easy and okay and safe for Sam. He heard the water running in the bathroom and hollered at his brother to turn it off before it reached overflowing, smiling as he pictured Sam splashing happily. He went into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator. Inside he found a little bit of milk, half a stick of butter,three hotdogs half a bottle of apple juice, half a bottle of ketchup,  and two slices of cheese. A quick look in the cabinets revealed a box of macaroni and cheese,  and four slices of bread. Okay then, Dean Winchester's hot dog-mac-and -cheese surprise it was. Dean sat about boiling the noodles, pre-heating the oven, tearing two slices of bread and the cheese  into tiny pieces . He drained the noodles, added butter, some milk and the powdered cheese from the box. To these he added the hot dogs which he'd sliced in neat little bit size rounds.He stirred in two spoonfuls of ketchup and poured it all in a square glass pan. He spread the bread crumbs and cheese pieces over the top and placed it in the hot oven.

"Sam! Time to get out!" he called just as his brother emerged with damp hair in his Superman pajamas and bare feet. Dean smiled at him because gosh the kid was cute like this. "You make a huge mess in there?" he asked, pointing to the bathroom.

Sam shook his head. "NO. I washed myself and my hair and I didn't cause a flood. I hunged up all my towels too!", the little boy said, pleased with himself. His smile and pleasure at being so grown up and helpful gave Dean a pleased, warm, fuzzy sort of feeling.

"That's good Sammy. You can watch tv while I get dinner ready." A quick check of the bathroom revealed Sam had been very neat and Dean returned to the kitchen. He carefully opened the oven door and glanced at his baby brother who was piled up on the bed with the remote, laughing at Scooby Doo reruns. Dean reached for hot pads and gingerly pulled out the rack. Sam laughed out loud and Dean turned too quickly. As he did, the knuckles of his right hand, grazed the element and he felt the stinging pain of a burn. He swore under his breath even though he didn't ever want to in front of Sam and he knew most almost ten year olds didn't. He ran the injury under water at the sink and felt just a little queasy as he stood there.

"Dean?", Sam called from the other side of the room/ "Is it almost time to eat?" Dean pulled himself up to big brother mode and grabbed a hand towel which he wrapped around his hand. He took a deep breath and sighed. It hurt but there was Sam to feed and get to bed. He'd deal with this later.

"Yeah Sammy. It's ready. Give me a minute", he said. he opened the cabinet again and pulled out bowls and glasses, got spoons out of the drawer. He carefully pulled the casserole out of the oven and placed in on the stovetop, closed the oven door and turned off the temperature. He filled two glasses with juice and filled the bowls with generous helpings of mac and cheese. He carried the glasses to the bed and sat one glass on the table beside Sam, the other on the one on the opposite side. He went back for the food and spoons and Sam took a good look and gave a little shout of glee.

"Yay! Dean Winchester's Hot Dog and Mac and Cheese Surprise! My favorite! Can I have extra ketchup? Please?" He looked at Dean with the face. The please adopt me I'm adorable puppy face.

"Sure," Dean said, retrieving the bottle and pouring some on Sam's portion. Sam  grabbed his hand.

"You hurt your hand Dean!, he said concern in his voice. Dean pulled his hand away and replaced it with the bowl of mac and cheese surprise.

"I'm fine Sammy. Eat. It's almost bed time." Scooby Do ended and black and white re-runs of  The Addams Family came on. The boys ate and laughed and Dean took the bowls to the kitchen while Sam brushed his teeth. The soap and water made his burned hand throb but Dean worked through the pain. He tucked Sam in, promising to return and took his own quick shower and got ready for bed. He brushed his teeth and salted the windows and  doors, checked the locks. Yawning, he decided his own homework wasn't going to happen. He slid into the bed and turned out the light, having left on the one in the bathroom so Sam wouldn't be scared. He turned off the tv and laid down, pulling up the covers. Sam snuggled close to him and Dean hugged the five year old close.

"Dean?", Sam whispered.

"Yeah?", Dean responded. The little boy opened his sleepy hazel eyes and looked up at Dean lovingly.

"Thanks for making mac and cheese hotdog surprise. It was yummy." Dean chuckled as his brother scrunched up close to his side and plopped his head on Dean's chest. Dean ran his fingers through Sam's hair. Sometimes he wished there was someone to fix his dinner and make sure his homework was done and yes, tuck him in once in a while but when Sam was all sleepy and smelled like soap and said thanks for supper, Dean felt happy.

The timer on the oven buzzed and Dean shook his head as the memory faded and grabbed two oven mitts and carefully pulled the casserole dish out. He placed it on the stove top. He reached into the cabinet for bowls, the drawer for spoons. He pulled two beers out of the fridge and opened them. He put everything on a tray to take into the living room.

Sam walked down the hall from the bathroom, toweling his hair. The short nap and a hot shower had made him feel a little better. He felt refreshed and clean and comfortable in pajamas and bare feet. And Dean was making dinner. He couldn’t remember when that had happened recently. He knew Dean was hurting and anxious and being Dean feeling guilty. So Sam resolved to work hard at keeping the brooding and worry buried tonight. He tossed the wet towel on his bed as he passed and went back to the library just as Dean came in with a tray of something that smelled delicious and vaguely familiar.

“Hey that smells awesome”, he greeted his brother as Dean sat the tray down on the  coffee table. He plopped down on the sofa and clicked on the tv. He laughed and Dean looked at him with a cocked eyebrow. “Gilligan’s Island dude.”

He was graced with a rare and beautiful Dean smile that made Sam feel like nothing bad could happen to him as long as Dean was around. Dean handed him a bowl, spoon and a beer. Sam looked at the bowl and his eyes got wide and excited. “Is this Dean Winchester’s  Hot dog  Mac and Cheese?”

Dean laughed as he sat down. “Hamburger but close enough. Eat up.” They  ate the dinner as the castaways worked through their current crisis and continued watching various reruns they remembered from various motel rooms across the country. Sam grew tired and grabbed a pillow. He arranged himself, curling up on half the sofa with the pillow touching Dean’s leg. Dean was just about to get up and do the dishes but there was no way he was getting up and leaving Sam once his brother was comfortable and relaxing. This was what he’d hoped for while making dinner. There were things they needed and wanted to try and fix but it could rest for one night, they could rest for one night. “Hey look Sammy, The Big Valley. Awesome. “

“Uh huh”, Sam yawned, not realizing he was as tired as he was. “Thanks for making mac and cheese Dean”. He closed his eyes letting real sleep take over while Dean watched the cowboy show. Dean’s hand rested on the top of Sam’s head. No way was he going anywhere. The dishes could also wait. Because when Sam was close by, saying thank you for dinner, smelling like soap and falling asleep, Dean was happy.