On "Immaturity" and "Fictional Character" Love

Yeah I'm not telling my come back story from depression ( which I haven't had )or  sharing my all too real life front row seat with the  depression and suicide of a loved one (which I have had and don't want to comment on publicly ). No. I am talking about how some fans called me and others "trivial" and "in need of a life" because of "tweets about a fictional character". So get this. I admit I got upset when the CW tweeted Dean Winchester "always" acts immature. This is as far from true as gets. This is a man that never had a chance to be a child. He wasn't allowed to be "immature" not by his father, the life he lived or the fact that he practically raised his little brother who I might point out is only four years younger. Which means at ten he was caring for a six year old, often alone for days on end.My guess is he wasn't "immature" even then. I tweeted a "can't believe you said it" to the CW. So did many others. Was the comment really meant as a statement about his sense of humor? His lack of knowledge about some topics he might have missed being a responsible person while others, including his brother...who I adore so no one attack me as slandering Sam....knew about because they weren't in charge of a family all the time? Was it meant because sometimes Dean's portrayed as in Home as "not the sharpest tool in the shed?" (I HATE Missouri btw for saying that) or because he tries to find some sense of lightness occasionally in his otherwise dark world?  Aside from a few pranks on Sam back in S1 I don't remember "immaturity" on Dean's resume. I see a guy who is barely able to get through on a good day but manages to anyhow. I see a guy who despite any personal physical or emotional pain always puts his family and their needs first. I see a big brother who even though his own dreams never seemed to matter takes great pride in the accomplishments of his little brother. I see a man who would and has laid down his life for that brother. How is this immature? I guess I'm feeling a little angry here. I admire Jared more than I can say for his stand on and campaign for To Write On her Arms. I admire and appreciate it for many reasons personal and in general. I admire fans for being brave enough to share their stories.  I am thankful Jared is an amazing human being that has inspired so many to open up, to feel cared about and to be encouraged to help others. But I've also seen people saying  that Jensen's shirt wasn't for as good a cause even though it hasn't been mentioned what it was. I've even seen jokes about Jensen's shirt. THIS  I do know. It was for a charity. He didn't spend the proceeds on a vacation for him and Danneel or stick in JJ's college fund. Seriously people have to believe he supported a good and worthy organization with it. And  the "immature" Dean barb just seemed like fuel to my little anger fire. Again, I adore Jared. I support him and this cause. He is beyond wonderful.  I guess maybe at this point in my life, I may live more heavily in Winchester world than other people do. I am working through " I don't know, my own grown up, personal crap". I probably don't have a "real" life the way others define it. Doesn't mean I'm trivial. And as for caring for a "fictional character", I do. So. I love Dean Winchester. It's not a secret. I've never hidden that. I have framed pictures of him in my bedroom. I cried days on end when he died and became a demon. I  suffered through that as if I had really lost the love of my life. You can laugh. You can say I'm immature. I don't care. I don't think I'm alone in this one. I defend my love of him ( and Jensen) daily. But why should I have to ? Who am I hurting by loving a "fictional character?" No one. And if I get riled up at the CW or anyone else saying my man is "immature" so be it. I know better than to engage in tweet wars with( I'm sorry,) bitter Sam girls, or oddly Dean girls who I perceive don't "get" Dean but I do it anyway. Probably because I'm a little like Dean himself. You can't insult the people I love and me let it go by. Honestly I didn't really start the controversy I engaged in. I participated because I saw someone else trivialize what I thought was a big deal. So I got my own self into the little problem I'm currently having. maybe y'all think you have "better" things to do. Good for y'all. maybe you have "better" worries. Great. I have plenty. Yeah. I may have avoidance issues. I hide in Winchester world. Sometimes I like even their dark places better than mine. I don't tweet that I'm better than other people though. I just state my own opinions on my own timeline. And I'm "mature" enough to realize that if I put it out there someone will likely disagree. Which is okay. I guess where I'm going with this is this: Supernatural has very strong and talented actors who make the audience feel. More so than any other show I know of past or present. These are characters so well written they are real. How many people have you read about saying it changed their life? It did mine. Dean did. I saw myself in him. I wasn't near death. I wasn't hurting myself or anyone else. I was lonely as heck, scared of being alone and feeling like no one cared about me. And I have people who do love me but this is how I saw it at the time.I had had more struggles than anyone else I know. Seriously I am a poster child for Murphy's law. If it's weird and can happen to you, it will happen to me. Dean Winchester was someone I could connect to. Someone I could understand fully. So I fell in love with him. It's probably 100% certain there will never be a "real" guy in my life ever again. I'm not exactly what most of them are looking for. But there's Dean. And it makes me happy. He's my hero.And it makes me proud to say I love him. I don't feel trivial. I'm proud of us. And so proud of  Jensen. He has made this man real to all of us. There are days when I would prioritize differently  too I guess and I didn't want to offend anyone so I got off twitter and started blogging this. I still think CW needs to admit Supernatural is their most successful show and realize the fan base is hugely protective. My guess is they will after what I've seen! So, me and my "fictional character" boyfriend are okay because we both know he's not immature. We know where he's been and we'll go where he's going with courage and dignity. I suppose I just want Jensen to be recognized and for Dean to be validated. That being said, I cannot be more proud of BOTH our boys. We are so fortunate to have these men as our heroes on and off screen.

Mac and Cheese

Mac and Cheese

Sam sat slumped in the corner of the library sofa. He wasn't talking and he wasn't asleep. Dean was leaning in the doorway and he was worried. Worried because he knew Sam was worried, and he knew it was his fault. If there was no Mark of Cain, they'd be on a case, looking for the monster of the week and Sam would be researching something that actually had some real lore and a way to solve it. Ever since they'd returned from the Cain incident as Dean had begun calling it, Sam had been increasingly supportive and  affectionate towards Dean but discouraged because they, specifically he couldn't find a cure. Talking about it probably wouldn't help. Suggesting a movie or getting out of the bunker would be met with a sweetly dimpled smile and a "Sure Dean" but the fact remained the same. Sam wanted to find a cure. Dean knew in his heart of hearts Sammy was probably chasing lollipops and candy cane dreams. He so wanted it to be different. So wished he hadn't ever gone off in a huff after Gadreel, wished even more he hadn't put the emphasis on Abbadon and taken the stupid mark in the first place. Dean stopped himself. This wasn't helping and it surely wouldn't help Sam. Recounting the history over and over was just a way to increase the guilt on both of them. Cas was gone looking and so was Charlie and Dean felt like a caged animal pacing around the bunker while Sam combed through the same books over and over, sought out obscure websites until he fell in to an exhausted short nap and returned to the same. Dean glanced at his watch. Pushing six o'clock. They hadn't really eaten today. He was getting hungry and despite the fact that Sam was really just picking at food, he had to be hungry too. Dean decided he'd go into the kitchen and make a real dinner, he was sick of  the local fast food and he somehow felt doing something would at least make him feel better. He patted Sam on the arm as he walked past him. Sam looked up with his sad puppy eyes and half smiled. "Why don't you rest your eyes Sammy? I'm going to make us something to eat." Sam smiled again. He was tired. A short nap could be refreshing and so could real food. He had to admit Dean had become quite adept at cooking since they had a real kitchen.

"Okay. I will. Thanks Dean", he said, stretching his long frame out on the couch and toeing off his boots. Dean reached for the blanket they kept on the back of the sofa and pulled it over his brother, remembering for just a minute tucking in little Sam. He gazed down at Sam with a nostalgic look and knew what he wanted to make for dinner. "What?", Sam asked stifling a yawn.

"Nothing. You rest up. I'll have dinner ready in a little bit okay?" Sam closed his eyes and put his hands behind his head and settled in. Dean smiled fondly and headed to the kitchen. Once there he began opening the cabinets and the fridge , gathering supplies. How many nights he wondered had he made dinner for Sam and himself when they were kids? Way more than he should have he supposed except at the time it just seemed normal. He'd never known at eight or ten or fifteen that there was anything else except to make sure there was dinner, regardless of if Dad were there or not. Feeding them had  simply been part of his job, however that had to happen and whatever it had to be due to circumstances or location. If that meant hustling pool or  yes, even on occasion, stealing or going hungry himself then that's what it meant. Tonight however none of those scenarios applied. Tonight they were well stocked and comfortable and Dean was content, almost happy as he started the preparations. He preheated the oven and got to work. As he did ,his mind wandered.

“I came up with about 101 different ways to make macaroni and cheese. Add ketchup for spice, tuna, hot dogs, fluff marshmallow mix. My brother thought it was exotic.”

Eureka Springs Arkansas 1988

It was getting dark. Dean had been helping five year old Sam with his kindergarten homework. Dean couldn't really believe kids in kindergarten actually needed homework. At least Sammy didn't. The kid was a regular genius and Dean was proud of him. Sam had correctly spelled all ten of his sight words, made them into sentences and completed six math addition and six subtraction problems correctly as well. "Why don't you get a bath Sammy and I'll make dinner?", he'd said as they cleaned up the work spread before them and carefully put it all in Sam's backpack ready for tomorrow. Dean would have to do his own homework after Sam was in bed because Dean was a stickler for a regular bedtime when he was in charge. Sometimes if they were along for the ride with Dad, bedtimes changed but when they were fairly stationary for a little while, Dean made sure they followed a schedule. Sam seemed to crave this normality, to thrive on it and even at nine, almost ten, Dean knew this was best for kids. It never  occurred to him that he would also benefit from a more normal lifestyle. All he knew was this. Taking care of Sam. Dad had given him this job and he intended to do a good job of it. For Dad, because those were his orders ,but also because of Sam. There was nothing Dean wouldn't do for Sam. He loved him. It was that simple. He didn't resent taking care of his little brother. Sometimes, if he were very honest he felt angry at Dad for leaving them alone, for making it harder by moving around all the time, for being gone longer than he said he'd be and for letting the grocery money run out. That made it scarier to keep going but Dean just knew he had to make things seem easy and okay and safe for Sam. He heard the water running in the bathroom and hollered at his brother to turn it off before it reached overflowing, smiling as he pictured Sam splashing happily. He went into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator. Inside he found a little bit of milk, half a stick of butter,three hotdogs half a bottle of apple juice, half a bottle of ketchup,  and two slices of cheese. A quick look in the cabinets revealed a box of macaroni and cheese,  and four slices of bread. Okay then, Dean Winchester's hot dog-mac-and -cheese surprise it was. Dean sat about boiling the noodles, pre-heating the oven, tearing two slices of bread and the cheese  into tiny pieces . He drained the noodles, added butter, some milk and the powdered cheese from the box. To these he added the hot dogs which he'd sliced in neat little bit size rounds.He stirred in two spoonfuls of ketchup and poured it all in a square glass pan. He spread the bread crumbs and cheese pieces over the top and placed it in the hot oven.

"Sam! Time to get out!" he called just as his brother emerged with damp hair in his Superman pajamas and bare feet. Dean smiled at him because gosh the kid was cute like this. "You make a huge mess in there?" he asked, pointing to the bathroom.

Sam shook his head. "NO. I washed myself and my hair and I didn't cause a flood. I hunged up all my towels too!", the little boy said, pleased with himself. His smile and pleasure at being so grown up and helpful gave Dean a pleased, warm, fuzzy sort of feeling.

"That's good Sammy. You can watch tv while I get dinner ready." A quick check of the bathroom revealed Sam had been very neat and Dean returned to the kitchen. He carefully opened the oven door and glanced at his baby brother who was piled up on the bed with the remote, laughing at Scooby Doo reruns. Dean reached for hot pads and gingerly pulled out the rack. Sam laughed out loud and Dean turned too quickly. As he did, the knuckles of his right hand, grazed the element and he felt the stinging pain of a burn. He swore under his breath even though he didn't ever want to in front of Sam and he knew most almost ten year olds didn't. He ran the injury under water at the sink and felt just a little queasy as he stood there.

"Dean?", Sam called from the other side of the room/ "Is it almost time to eat?" Dean pulled himself up to big brother mode and grabbed a hand towel which he wrapped around his hand. He took a deep breath and sighed. It hurt but there was Sam to feed and get to bed. He'd deal with this later.

"Yeah Sammy. It's ready. Give me a minute", he said. he opened the cabinet again and pulled out bowls and glasses, got spoons out of the drawer. He carefully pulled the casserole out of the oven and placed in on the stovetop, closed the oven door and turned off the temperature. He filled two glasses with juice and filled the bowls with generous helpings of mac and cheese. He carried the glasses to the bed and sat one glass on the table beside Sam, the other on the one on the opposite side. He went back for the food and spoons and Sam took a good look and gave a little shout of glee.

"Yay! Dean Winchester's Hot Dog and Mac and Cheese Surprise! My favorite! Can I have extra ketchup? Please?" He looked at Dean with the face. The please adopt me I'm adorable puppy face.

"Sure," Dean said, retrieving the bottle and pouring some on Sam's portion. Sam  grabbed his hand.

"You hurt your hand Dean!, he said concern in his voice. Dean pulled his hand away and replaced it with the bowl of mac and cheese surprise.

"I'm fine Sammy. Eat. It's almost bed time." Scooby Do ended and black and white re-runs of  The Addams Family came on. The boys ate and laughed and Dean took the bowls to the kitchen while Sam brushed his teeth. The soap and water made his burned hand throb but Dean worked through the pain. He tucked Sam in, promising to return and took his own quick shower and got ready for bed. He brushed his teeth and salted the windows and  doors, checked the locks. Yawning, he decided his own homework wasn't going to happen. He slid into the bed and turned out the light, having left on the one in the bathroom so Sam wouldn't be scared. He turned off the tv and laid down, pulling up the covers. Sam snuggled close to him and Dean hugged the five year old close.

"Dean?", Sam whispered.

"Yeah?", Dean responded. The little boy opened his sleepy hazel eyes and looked up at Dean lovingly.

"Thanks for making mac and cheese hotdog surprise. It was yummy." Dean chuckled as his brother scrunched up close to his side and plopped his head on Dean's chest. Dean ran his fingers through Sam's hair. Sometimes he wished there was someone to fix his dinner and make sure his homework was done and yes, tuck him in once in a while but when Sam was all sleepy and smelled like soap and said thanks for supper, Dean felt happy.

The timer on the oven buzzed and Dean shook his head as the memory faded and grabbed two oven mitts and carefully pulled the casserole dish out. He placed it on the stove top. He reached into the cabinet for bowls, the drawer for spoons. He pulled two beers out of the fridge and opened them. He put everything on a tray to take into the living room.

Sam walked down the hall from the bathroom, toweling his hair. The short nap and a hot shower had made him feel a little better. He felt refreshed and clean and comfortable in pajamas and bare feet. And Dean was making dinner. He couldn’t remember when that had happened recently. He knew Dean was hurting and anxious and being Dean feeling guilty. So Sam resolved to work hard at keeping the brooding and worry buried tonight. He tossed the wet towel on his bed as he passed and went back to the library just as Dean came in with a tray of something that smelled delicious and vaguely familiar.

“Hey that smells awesome”, he greeted his brother as Dean sat the tray down on the  coffee table. He plopped down on the sofa and clicked on the tv. He laughed and Dean looked at him with a cocked eyebrow. “Gilligan’s Island dude.”

He was graced with a rare and beautiful Dean smile that made Sam feel like nothing bad could happen to him as long as Dean was around. Dean handed him a bowl, spoon and a beer. Sam looked at the bowl and his eyes got wide and excited. “Is this Dean Winchester’s  Hot dog  Mac and Cheese?”

Dean laughed as he sat down. “Hamburger but close enough. Eat up.” They  ate the dinner as the castaways worked through their current crisis and continued watching various reruns they remembered from various motel rooms across the country. Sam grew tired and grabbed a pillow. He arranged himself, curling up on half the sofa with the pillow touching Dean’s leg. Dean was just about to get up and do the dishes but there was no way he was getting up and leaving Sam once his brother was comfortable and relaxing. This was what he’d hoped for while making dinner. There were things they needed and wanted to try and fix but it could rest for one night, they could rest for one night. “Hey look Sammy, The Big Valley. Awesome. “

“Uh huh”, Sam yawned, not realizing he was as tired as he was. “Thanks for making mac and cheese Dean”. He closed his eyes letting real sleep take over while Dean watched the cowboy show. Dean’s hand rested on the top of Sam’s head. No way was he going anywhere. The dishes could also wait. Because when Sam was close by, saying thank you for dinner, smelling like soap and falling asleep, Dean was happy.