Still Trying

       Dean wasn't really into the holiday thing. It just never seemed to really fit in well with the life the Winchester men lived. Dad tried when they were little. Or at least he tried when he could and after Dean was somewhere around nine or so Sam's Christmas was pretty much up to him if there was any at all. And Dean made sure that was never the case. There was the one time in Montana, the year Sam found out about what they did when Dean stole presents that were decidedly girly by accident but usually he bought Sam's presents with money he "earned" hustling pool or occasionally working if they stayed somewhere long enough. But somehow after Sam left for Stanford, the whole holiday thing lost it's meaning for Dean and he and Dad never mentioned it. The year before he went to Hell, he'd really wanted to celebrate. Sam had been the reluctant one but in the end they'd had a nice impromptu celebration after all. Since then it had seemed like too much had happened, too many losses to warrant any real desire to celebrate anything except just getting through one bad incident after another. But this morning Dean had awakened with a real overwhelming need to " do Christmas". He'd been dreaming. It was still fresh and vivid in his mind. He knew there were drying tears on his face but hell, he was alone and who cared? He'd dreamed about that last Christmas before Mom died. He thought he had all but forgotten it but it came back in full living color in his sleep. There was no Sam yet of course but Mom and Dad told him that day he was going to be a big brother and he'd understood and been very excited. There was a huge tree and a shiny fire truck, a Batman  action figure and a Hot wheels track. Mom had laughed a lot and they had a huge dinner. It was so normal. How could any of them have known what the new year after would bring?
      But that was forever ago and this was now and Dean wanted a real Christmas. For Sam and Cas and yes himself. Maybe mostly for himself. How to go about it and make it a surprise, he wasn't sure. But he was pretty sure there would be no game plan without coffee so he slung back the covers and headed to the kitchen.
      Two hours later, Sam shuffled into the kitchen hair in his eyes, bare feet and rubbing sleep from his eyes. Dean smiled. "Good morning", he said, affection in his voice. "Need coffee?" His brother slumped into a chair, hands holding his head. He mumbled something that sounded like coffeeyes to Dean who got up to pour him a large mug. While Dean preferred coffee black, he kept an array flavored creamers for Sam. He added rum cake to the strong brew and put the mug beside his brother. A large  hand wrapped around the cup and in a minute or two Sam was able to speak coherently.
     "What are you doing awake so early Dean? It's barely seven."
    Dean poured himself a fourth cup of coffee. "Just woke up. Listen Sam, I've got some things I need to take care of. So I'll been gone for a few hours. You good?"
    Sam looked up at Dean. He seemed okay. No signs of distress, he wasn't acting like he was hiding things. Besides, there were a few things Sam wanted to take care of too. "Sure Dean. I have some stuff to do around here and.." He broke off trying to sound non noncommittal and like he himself had no plans. Dean cocked an eyebrow. A little too easy but he wasn't going to argue. If Sam were up to something he was sure he'd find out sooner or later.
     "Okay. I'll be back this afternoon. See you." Dean picked up his keys and pulled on his jacket. Sam watched and when he heard the door close, he hurried to shower and get his own plans started.
     Dean enjoyed the two hour drive to Junction City. Let's face it, he said to himself, Lebanon isn't exactly a great shopping district. He knew the malls and department stores would be teeming with last minute shoppers. It was Christmas Eve after all. But Dean was excited. A man on a mission. He could g handle the crowds. He somehow scored a close parking place and headed into the crowded mall.
     Meanwhile Sam had showered, dressed and had a second cup of coffee. He was sitting at the kitchen table running his hand through damp hair and making a list when Cas appeared. "Good morning Sam," the angel said as he poured himself a cup of coffee. "What are you doing?"
    Sam looked up."Hey Cas. I was making a list. It's Christmas Eve and I wanted to go find a present for Dean, maybe shop for a really nice dinner. Thought we could celebrate a little. I don't know." Cas nodded. He frowned a little. As long as Sam was making plans, if Dean wasn't around, Cas had a plan of his own.
   "Where's Dean?" Cas asked.
    "He said he'd be out until late afternoon." Sam finished his list. "You want to come with me?" he offered.
   "Uh no.  I have things to do as well.But thank you Sam. When will you be back?"
     Sam shrugged his coat on. "Two, three hours." He patted the angel on the shoulder as he pocketed his keys and headed out for his errands.
      Cas smiled to himself. He hoped he had time to accomplish his own little mission.
     Dean was pleased with his purchases. He'd found warn scarves and gloves for both Sam and Cas, several books he'd gleaned from Sam's Amazon wish list and a a boxed set of  Buffy the Vampire dvds for Cas,  in part because he would enjoy it too. He decided it was worth it to have the gifts wrapped as his own wrapping skills were less than expert.
The very pretty girl in gift wrap blushed when he complimented her sweater and made his gifts extra special and Dean left the large department store with a shopping bag full of remembrances for his loved ones and a smile on his face. He was also hungry and there was a food court full of tempting choices. After a quick slice of pizza and a large coke he started back to the car when he saw a candy store and had to stop. He bought assorted truffles because he thought Sam would like them and because it reminded him of that last Christmas with Mom, two pounds of fudge, one each chocolate and vanilla. Satisfied, he made his way to the Impala. Since he was alone, he allowed himself the guilty pleasure of listening to the all Christmas Carol station as he pointed the car towards the bunker.
    Sam didn't go quite as far as Dean. He liked the few shops downtown and he made quick work of his shopping. He selected a warm but very soft gray v neck sweater for Dean, knowing it was one Dean would like but never buy for himself. He bought Cas a blue flannel shirt because he thought the angel needed something more casual to wear while catching up on his Netflix series. His next stop was to the gift shop on the corner that he had noticed the next items on his list. He quickly found the vintage Batman comic books he'd seen before and on impulse selected an action figure of said hero. He found a coffee mug for Cas that would easily hold two cups and it was a cheerful red plaid he knew Cas would enjoy. Unlike Dean, Sam purchased paper, ribbons and tags. He then headed to the little food market across the street. He hummed White Christmas as he gathered his supplies.
     Sam let himself in through the garage and put his gifts in his room. Cas wasn't around so Sam took the groceries into the kitchen. He wasn't as good a cook as Dean but he thought he could handle this. Following the recipe he'd written down, he put a roast surrounded by carrots, onions and whole new potatoes seasoned with salt, pepper and rosemary into a roasting pan. He covered it and slid it into the oven. He assembled a salad, put rolls on a baking dish for later and put the lattice topped apple cranberry pie he'd bought on the counter. He went into his room to wrap his gifts, never once checking the library for Cas.
    When Dean arrived home he started down the stairs. His nose detected the scent of something delicious cooking but it was the sight of the beautifully decorated Christmas tree he saw in the library that stopped him in his tracks. There stood Cas admiring his own handiwork. Dean walked to the tree, a huge smile on his face. " Cas, did you do this?"
   The angel returned the huge smile. "Yes.Merry Christmas Dean." Dean sat his bag of gifts down.
  "Thanks man. Cas it's beautiful. Really. Here, I have presents. He carefully placed them around the tree. "Looks like Christmas huh?" He stood up.
   "Cas? " Sam's voice echoed through the bunker. Cars and Dean laughed.
   "In here Sam!" Sam followed Cas' voice and was just as surprised as Dean to see the tree but he broke out a wide dimpled grin. Dean looked so happy he felt excited. He had his hands full of his own gifts and he eagerly placed his own under the tree.
   "So, what smells so good?" Dean inquired. " Looks like every one is in the spirit today. Do I need to check on that?"
   Sam huffed. "I got it covered. How bout a drink?" He moved to pour them each one. "And there's a movie in the player." All three of them settled into the comfortable furniture as Sam started the movie.
    Two hours later as the credits rolled, Dean would deny the tears he was blinking back as George Bailey's friends helped him and Sam smiled when his brother wasn't looking. "Angels don't really have to earn wings but I did enjoy that."Cas said.
    "Just a story Cas." Dean said. "How long til we eat Sam?" Sam stretched and grinned." Should be about ready. Let me go check." He left Dean and Cas discussing A Wonderful Life and went to the kitchen.
     Following Sam's excellent dinner, the boys and the angel returned to the tree. Sam began handing out presents. They spent an hour opening gifts and exclaiming thanks. It was pleasant and normal and Dean looked oddly at his brother and best friend.
    "Dean? You okay?"Sam left his chair to crouch in front of his brother. Dean looked at the floor, willing himself to contain the emotions welling up inside him. He nodded. Sam reached a hand around his neck, squeezing. "It's okay Dean. This was good. We're all okay." Dean let his head drop forward on Sam's shoulder. For just a minute he gave into that memory of being  almost four and Santa bringing Batman and then he looked down at the Batman in his hand and lifted his head.
   "This is awesome" he said to Sam raising the figure up. "I got one that last Christmas."
   Sam smiled. "Mom's last Christmas? What else did you get?"
   Dean said, "A hot wheels track and a fire truck. Really big fire truck. But that wasn't my best gift." He looked about four to Sam right now,  with the wistful look in eyes.
  "No? What was the best gift you got that year?" Dean's green eyes watered.
    "You. I, they told me I was going to be a big brother that day. "
    Sam choked back a little sob. "And look how that turned out for you."  He joked lighten the mood. His brother reached out and squeezed his arm.
    "Yeah. Look at that." He sat fully up and said, "Guess we should clean up this mess." As Sam and Cas began picking up discarded wrappings he thought to himself, best thing that ever happened to me Sam. He picked up the action figure and placed it under the tree with the rest of their gifts. And he remembered.
   "You're going to be a wonderful big brother Dean" Mom had said, kissing his forehead.
   "I'll try really hard Mommy" his almost four year old self had replied. He looked at Sam, laughing with Cas and whispered, "Still trying Mom."
 

Perfect Landing Tag to I1.04

   Home again. Dean maneuvered Baby into the garage. He was beyond exhausted. Sam was sound asleep in the seat beside him. He ran a gentle hand over the dashboard.  " I'm sorry Baby. " He'd fix her. He'd done it before....more than once. He sighed, running a hand down his face. He was so freaking tired. He shook Sam slightly.  " Hey. Sammy. Wake up. We're home." His brother stirred, opened his eyes. He stretched his arms and unfolded his long body
   "I need a shower. I need a bed." Dean smiled. He wanted.to tease Sam about his fling the night before. But he saw the real exhaustion in his brother's eyes. It could wait. Dean certainly wasn't finished giving Sam grief over his ' night moves' but not tonight
    "Okay . Let's get you in." They opened both doors, grabbed duffles and made their way up the stairs to the main floor. Dean sighed as he stepped inside. As they made their.way through the kitchen to their rooms Dean stumbled a little. Sam stopped, steadying him, gripping his arm.
    "You okay?" Dean nodded. Sam didn't let go until they were at Dean's door. " I'm going to get cleaned up. How about you? You need any medical attention first?" Dean leaned in the door frame.
     "Nah. I'm good." He did need to fix up the bite on his neck and probably Cas could do that. Sam nodded and kept on down the hall to his own room. He laughed when he found Cas sitting on the floor leaning against his bed totally engrossed in season 2 of Orange is the New Black. The angel looked up surprised and paused his show. He took in Sam's bloody face and stood up.
   "Hey Cas", Sam said. "You figured out Netflix huh?" Cas smiled.
 "It's quite amazing, these collections of television shows and movies. Let me fix that." Cas reached out two fingers and touched Sam, healing the wounds from the encounter in Oregon. "Where's Dean?", he asked. Both he and Sam were protective of Dean ever since the mark of Cain. Sam put his hand on the angel's shoulder.
  "He's okay Cas. He's in his room. But you could fix him up too. I'm going to shower and change and Dean needs to also."
    As Sam gathered his essentials for bed and went to the shower room Cas went to Dean's bedroom. He called softly, "Dean?" He paused at the door and what he saw brought tears to his eyes. There was Dean, his face covered in blood, some kind of angry bite mark on his neck. That was concerning enough but the fact that Dean was looking at a picture of John Winchester and the boys with tears streaming down his face made Cas wonder what had happened while they were away. He moved to where Dean stood in front of the small dresser where he kept his few family pictures. Placing a hand on his friend's arm he said again, "Dean". Dean looked up. He gave the angel a half smile, full of affection but clouded still with sadness.

  "Hey Cas", he started. His voice was ragged, rough with fatigue and emotion. He struggled to keep the tears out of it. The angel touched the side of his neck and Dean winced as he was healed. As usual after being " fixed up" by Cas he felt a slight headache coming on. "Thanks. How are you?" He hoped from the rested look of him their friend was better himself.
   "I feel much improved. I like Netflix. I find it restful." Dean chuckled. This earned him a small smile from Cas. "Dean, you were crying. Is there something.."
     Dean held up a hand. "No Cas. I'm good. Just really tired." Before Cas could reply Sam appeared in pajamas with wet hair. He smelled fresh and clean and Dean wanted to feel that way too.

    "You hungry Dean?" Sam inquired. Suddenly he was starving. His brother smiled just a little. And felt guilty for not stopping to feed Sam along the way. But Baby was so beat up and so we're they.
  "Yeah. Give me five minutes to shower and I'll cook some breakfast." He pulled clean clothes for himself out of the dresser.
   "I can ..." Sam began. Dean turned with a raised eyebrow.Sam laughed. His kitchen skills were often taunted by his brother. He raised his hands in surrender. " Okay. Five minutes . "
    A little longer than five minutes found Dean also fresh and in pajamas in the kitchen with Sam and Cas who were drinking coffee. "That's gonna wake you up Sammy and you need to sleep."
   Sam said, "It's decaf". Dean snorted. His way of saying then it's not really coffee. He set about frying bacon, scrambling eggs with cheese,making toast. He listened to Sam and Cas making comfortable small talk but was quiet himself. He put the food on plates, got out jam for the toast, poured himself a cup of the not-coffee and sat down. He tried to eat. He made sure Sam was. But something was keeping him from ploughing into his breakfast. He should be starving. He should be ecstatic they and poor wrecked Baby were safely here. Something felt lodged in his throat like he had a giant golf ball stuck in it. Emotion  washed over him and despite the fact that it was only him and his baby brother and his best friend he was Dean Winchester after all and he didn't want to lose it in front of them. What the hell was wrong with him? He choked back a sob and pushed himself to his feet, hurrying to the sanctuary of his room despite both Sam and Cas calling his name. Dean slammed his door shut. He paced the floor, hands clutching his short hair, trying not to start sobbing.

  In his head he heard Dad saying, "You know a little something about cars do you?" He could see an older John handing him the keys "You want her? She's yours." Saw him on the side of the road outside Salvation. "Touch up your car Dean. I wouldn't have given you the damn thing if I'd known you were going to ruin it." He saw himself with the sledge hammer in Bobby' s yard smashing his beloved car. He flashed back to finding her abandoned and destroyed when Zacariah sent him to the future. So many times he'd let Baby down and she'd been so much a part of his life, like a real person. She was his only tangible link to Dad, she had been there when Mom was alive, she'd been Sam's link to him in Hell and Purgatory. Mainly she had been a home, a refuge. How many times he'd slept in her alone when Sam was at college and Dad had left him behind.
   He closed his eyes, trying to stop what he feared was going to be an epic chick flick moment when he felt large hands gently pull his hands from his hair and strong arms circling around him. He pressed his face against Sam's shoulder, put his own arms around his brother. He stopped fighting the tears and let them fall. It was just him and Sam. Sam got it. He didn't have to explain. His brother tightened his hug, pulling Dean even closer. " I gotcha " Sam whispered close to his ear.
    It only took a few minutes for Dean to pull it together. He pushed back a little and looked at Sam never ceasing to be amazed he had to look up at the kid. The kid. The kid who was no longer that but to Dean that's what he'd always be. He didn't speak. Just nodded and Sam patted the side of his face. Sam released Dean and moved to pull back the covers on his bed. "Get some rest Dean. We're safe. Baby's safe. It's all good." Dean sighed. Sam was right. He sank gratefully into his memory foam mattress onto the pillows Sam had piled up. Sam pulled the blankets up over him, rested his hand on Dean's head briefly before moving to the door where he turned out the light. He left the door open. As he drifted off Dean heard Cas ask if he was okay. Heard Sam reply, "He's good. Nothing sleep won't fix." He relaxed and he dreamed.
   He was sixteen and Dad was teaching him to drive. Sam was in the back seat just itching for a turn. He pulled into the driveway of the house in Lawrence and as he turned off the ignition, he looked over at Dad who gave him the same wide dimpled grin his brother had. " Perfect landing son".