A Couple of Fanfics for my Fandom Sisters Angie, Elizabeth, Jilly and Amy!

Midnight Musings (tag to 9.19)

 

Dean paced around the kitchen. It was midnight but he wasn’t really tired. It had been awhile since he’d been able to really sleep. He opened the cabinet and pulled out the Jack Daniels bottle. It was half full, or half empty since he’d drunk it. He held it, thinking if he drank it he might be able to sleep. This routine, these nightly visits to the bottle while Sam slept weren’t helping. What the hell is wrong with me?, he thought. After Bobby died when he used the booze to numb the pain, at least he finally went to sleep But not now.  He felt restless, caged, unable to relax. And there was the other thing.

“It seemed to me like maybe you enjoyed it a little too much.” Sam standing there, almost saying “I’m worried about you” but not.  Dean knew intellectually it was true. Not enjoying so much as simply not caring. It was instinctual, the killing of the vampire. It was feral. Protecting his own. Protecting Sam. Protecting Jody. He took no pleasure in it, he didn’t feel happy about it. He’d said he did. It was plain old Dean bravado in reply to Sam. He was stronger which  both scared and exhilarated him. He was precise. No margin for error. He was angry enough to make hunting effective, he was driven. He was busy so why the hell wasn’t he tired? Physically he should be exhausted. Emotionally he must be because he wasn’t feeling remorse . Not like Dean Winchester usually did. There was still this overwhelming need to protect Sam. That would never, could never go away. It was so much a part of who he was that to lose it would be to lose who  he was entirely.

Dean sat the bottle on the table. Why bother when it wouldn’t help. He truly wanted to go to sleep. To have a normal restful night. He ran his hands through his hair in frustration. He walked towards the bedrooms, turning off the lights as he went. He stopped at his brother’s open door. Sam was on his back, one hand tucked behind his head, the other holding on to a book that was upside down across his stomach. The light on the bedside table was still on. Dean smiled. How many times had he come across this same scenario in the last thirty years? He crossed the room and gently took the book out of his brother’s hand. He closed it and placed it on the table. He turned off the light and adjusted the comforter. For a minute he stood there just looking at his brother. This is what Dean Winchester had always lived for. Sam, safely sleeping. All the crap they’d seen and done, this had been his main mission. Dean sat down in the chair beside the bed. He leaned forward, head in hands, resting his elbows on his knees. He wasn’t sure what was up with him. He didn’t know what was going to happen. He wished more than anything it had never come to this. All this darkness he was feeling. But sitting here watching Sam sleep, he still knew this was his number one responsibility. No matter what else happened, he had to take care of Sam. It didn’t matter if Sam   saved him, it didn’t matter if Dean died,he’d done that before. Sam still had to survive. Dean slouched back into the chair. He put his feet on the edge of the bed. He didn’t close his eyes because he wasn’t sleepy but he did, without realizing he did it, reach out towards Sam with the hand closest to the bed. Like he’d done for forever, just I case Sam needed him while he slept. God he wanted to sleep so badly. Instead he just sat, watching Sam.

Sam stirred softly. He realized the book was gone and the light off. He opened his eyes to see Dean in the chair. “Dean? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing Sammy. Just go back to sleep”. Dean barely recognized his own voice it was so deep and gravely.

Sam sat up slowly. “When was the last time you slept Dean? Really slept?” Dean shrugged.

“Not sure.” Sam swung his feet out of bed, stood and crouched in front of Dean. He gripped the open hand that had been reached out to him, placed his hand on the opposite wrist.

“Why don’t you just lie down? At least you could rest.” Dean blinked. Maybe . Sam pulled gently on his hands, got him to his feet. He pushed his brother down on the bed. And reached down to take off his boots and covered him up. He returned to the other side of the bed and crawled in. He placed a hand on Dean’s arm. “try to sleep Dean. Please. You need it.”

“Okay Sam .Go back to sleep.” Sam plumped his own pillow and sank back down. Dean lay there wide awake  listening to Sam’s breathing. He didn’t sleep but he did relax just a little. Even if sleep didn’t come, and he doubted it, he was where he needed to be. He looked over at Sam again. He traced the mark on his arm. He knew something about the damn thing was changing him, making him different but he knew in his heart of hearts, nothing, nothing would change how very much he loved and needed Sam. It wasn’t possible to change that.

This is for my personal SPN Family Angie, Elizabeth and Jilly. It’s just a little H/C fluff but… we love that!  I love you girls TTMAB!! (Borrowed the first little bit from The Real Deal  by Ridley C. James which you can find at hunterstomb.popullus.net)

Being  Real

“Pastor Jim?”, Dean said softly.

“Yes Dean?” The pastor leaned forward in his chair. Dean’s green eyes were bright with unshed tears, unusual for the stoic ten year old.

“When will I be real to Sam and Dad?” It broke the pastor’s heart to hear this boy asking in a ten year old way, “When will they love me the way they should?” Jim, because he was always honest, just like the Skinhorse sighed.

“I don’t know Dean.” He brushed his hand over Dean’s short, soft blond hair. “I don’t know.”

Dean pulled the sleeping form of six year old Sammy closer to him. “That’s okay”, he mumbled as he fell asleep, “they’re real to me. That’s all that matters.”

 

Sam filled a glass with  water and headed back to his bedroom. It was dark and quiet in the bunker. He couldn’t sleep. The events of the day had him more than a little concerned. He’d found Dean in the warehouse with  Gadreel, his hands bruised and bloody. He’d totally beaten up a frigging angel  with his bare hands. No easy feat. Cas had hurt Dean on more than one occasion so Sam knew the strength of angels. He paused just shy of Dean’s door. Something wasn’t right. Sam could sense it. Lately he had a sort of sixth sense about Dean. He knocked on the door. “Dean?”he called. No answer.  Sam waited a few seconds and opened the door. Generally he would not enter without permission but he was worried about his brother. He stepped in to find Dean curled into himself, clutching one of the pillows as if he were in great pain.. Sam sat the water glass on the dresser and hurried to the bed. Dean burrowed further into the pillow and Sam realized why. Dean was crying. Not just tears, silent and terrible weeping. Sam’s heart ached when he realized Dean was sobbing into the pillow so he wouldn’t disturb Sam. He reached a hand out to touch Dean’s bicep and pulled gently on it hoping his brother would look up. He didn’t. The anguished sobbing continued.

“Dean, hey. Look at me.”, Sam whispered, leaning over closer to his brother. As he leaned his elbow hit something flat and hard and he reached beneath the covers to pull it out. An ancient, well read, hard back copy of The Velveteen Rabbit. Sam brushed his fingers over the faded cover of the book. He remembered all the countless times Dean or Pastor Jim had read this book to him. That Dean had kept it all this time touched him deeply. He stroked Dean’s hair . “Dean, what’s up with the book man?” Again no answer. Just  sobbing. Sam couldn’t take it. He felt tears well up in his eyes as well.  Sam didn’t ask. He simply crawled into the bed and and wrapped his arms around Dean. He felt Dean relax his shoulders a little against his chest. The sobbing slowed a little. Dean reached his hand up and covered Sam’s with his. Sam ran his free hand over the cuts and bruises on the knuckles of Dean’s hand.

“Whatever it is, can you tell me?” Sam asked, no pleaded. All he wanted was to take away the suffering. Dean shook his head.

“It …doesn’t ….matter”, Dean said between shuddering sobs. Sam leaned forward and rested his head on the top of Dean’s.

“No, It does. Whatever it is, it matters to me.”  He hugged Dean even tighter. He didn’t speak. He just held on, waiting for the crying to stop. Minutes passed and Sam realized his brother was still. He wondered suddenly if his brother had fallen asleep. He pressed his cheek to Dean’s. “Dean?”

“Sam”, Dean said in a raspy, tear filled voice. “You remember the striga?”

Sam sat up a little. “Yeah. You killed it. Saved that kid’s brother. Why?”

Dean sighed deeply. “That night. That night it came after you. Dad was mad. I mean really mad.”

Sam pressed his head back close to Dean’s. “Maybe he was just scared Dean.”

“No. He was totally pissed. He grabbed you up, threw us in the car, high-tailed it to Pastor Jim’s and…he just…” Dean’s voice trailed off. But Sam remembered what his brother said that night when he told Sam the story. Heard Dean saying Dad, he just never looked at me the same again.”  He waited for Dean to continue.

“Dad.. in the car…he said ‘Your brother is your responsibility Dean. It’s the one thing I ask you to do. Take care of Sam. And tonight Dean you screwed that up. Do you understand how important that is?’ Then …he ..didn’t ..say anything all the way to Jim’s. Didn’t say goodbye. Nothing.”

Sam felt a tear leave his eye and run down his cheek. “Dean, you were what? Ten? That was a lot to pin on you.”

 

“No Sam. He was right. I screwed up.But that’s the night I realized….I’m not real.”

Sam was confused. “Dean what? What does that mean?” Then it hit him. Real as in The Velveteen Rabbit.  Loved so much your fur fell off . Real to the one person who loved your fur off.

Is it painful?, the rabbit asked. Yes , said the Skinhorse. But it’s worth it.

Suddenly Sam realized why Dean was crying, None of the great making-people-real-love he’d given had been returned. At least not in the way Dean needed it. Sam knew Dad loved Dean. Sam did too. So much it hurt.But no one made a habit of telling him, showing him. All the sacrifices, all the times he gave up what he might have dreamed or wanted were all secondary to the need to be real for Dad, to Sam, to take care of his family.

“I just keep screwing it up Sammy. Over and over, and all I kept trying to is make sure you’re okay, safe. I’m sorry Sam. I’m so sorry.”

Sam kissed the top of his brother’s head which he couldn’t remember doing ever, but it felt right, and said softly. “Dean. You haven’t screwed it up. I know I’m the boy who abandoned the rabbit.”

“No Sam. It’s all on me. I keep on screwing it up just like Dad said. I’m afraid I can’t …ever be real. Not like that. How could I? I mean the crap I’ve done? I don’t know where all this is going. I’m…afraid  of….this thing, with the mark and Abbadon. I just wanted to make up for it all. And I know I can’t Sammy. It’s too late for that.” Sam realized Dean was crying again, not sobbing. Just silent tears. He felt the wetness fall on his hands as he continued to hold his brother close.

Dean, listen, “Sam said, his mouth close to Dean’s ear. “You are the realest person I know. You have always given way more than you got. I’m really sorry Dean. I should have told you  I love you more often. So should Dad. Please Dean believe this. I would not be anything, if not for you. I wouldn’t be alive if it weren’t for you. And no matter what I said on that bridge Dean, I’m glad I’m alive and I’m glad I have you. Not real? I’d say you skipped the rabbit and went all the way to the skinhorse.”

They lay there close and safe and quiet for awhile. Then Dean said, almost in a whisper. “I don’t know about me being real Sam, but you were always worth it.”

“So were you Dean”, Sam said. Neither Winchester made a move to let go of the other and Sam knew he’d stay there all night just to let his brother know just how real he was.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fandom Friends

I have experienced something through Supernatural I have not before. Not only does the show speak to me, but I'm not alone in that! I have actually, thanks to the magic of social media found real friends in fandom. See if you're addicted to a television show to the level I am, most of the people you interact with on a daily basis think you're pretty much, to quote Dean Winchester, "cuckoo for cocoa puffs". They will stare at you and kind of nod and as my tweep Elizabeth says go "You're in love with who? But he's a fictional character..." They can't really be blamed. They just don't get it. It's not a fault they have, it just limits me from being me. Because ever since I accidentally fell in love with Supernatural and Dean Winchester, a huge part of who I am is ....Supernatural and Dean Winchester. So I've been thankful to find some special Dean girls out there in twitter world to share my Winchester journey with. It's quite wonderful for me to be able to able to say "God, I'm so worried about Dean" and have someone else tell me they are too. The other night when a headache and some speculations on twitter had me breaking down I confessed to my girls and they were like "let us worry about Dean tonight" and I will tell you, no one I see every day would say that to me.Nor would they watch an episode long distance with me to make me feel better. I've been way more blessed by Supernatural than just having a show to watch. I've found community, sanity, acceptance....family. because as Bobby Singer told us all a long time ago, "Family don't end with blood"

 Regarding Negativity

I love this show. I do. I am committed so deeply I cannot begin to express it. I tweet about it. A lot. Daily, A lot daily. But I have never, ever complained or belittled any of it. I cannot understand why anyone would spend literally hours out of their day being miserable . But I've been noticing a growing rebellion of so called "fans' who rant on and on about characters, writers, producers and storylines and I can't help but wonder if it makes you so angry and hurt why keep watching? Now I think everyone should be watching. But to say you're glad ratings go down and you hope they keep falling or to make a writer take a twitter break because you're bullying him...doesn't make you a fan. It makes you a complaining ..bully. I truly get my own feelings hurt when characters and actors are attacked on twitter. It hurt me deeply when Adam decided it was too much. I hated Beliebers hating on Jared. I cry and defend Jensen and Dean when they are hated on. I worry when I see Cas referred to as TGDA . I don't like negative speculation about what's going to happen. I think the thing that upsets me the most outside of the hating is the "fans" that say something as if someone at the show has given them the 411 when the reality is... it's their own head canon. Now this sounds a little negative, But here's the thing...for a whole bunch of us Supernatural is as Adam so eloquently put it "one of the best things to happen to me". We like sharing our fears, tears, joys and squees. We don't enjoy being unhappy in our fandom. One of the reasons BATB beat us for PCAs is the fact that they are not a divided fandom. Sam girls and Dean girls and Cas girls need to live in harmony. I love them all. As well as a certain Trickster...and a lost prophet or two and a devil and a king of Hell. So I'm going to continue being positive. I am supporting my show, my boys, my writers and producers. Because it makes me happy. My friends in this fandom make me happy because they share my joy. I'm not engaging in negativity anymore. If that means unfollowing, I will. This means too much to me and lots of others to be dwelling in the purgatory of fandom. It's my little slice of Heaven. So.

A Love Letter to Adam Glass and other SPN Writers

There was a lot of negativity yesterday addressed to our writers and in particular to Adam Glass. A few folks took a statement from an interview that Adam clearly stated was a joke and proceeded to run wild with negative posts, and hateful comments. I don't get this. This people are looking for something to tear apart. Adam Glass has given us some of the MOST beautiful episodes on Supernatural. "Bad Boys" in particular and "Mother's Little Helper" stand out to me right this minute. He is very careful to put both Sam and Dean in the most positive light even in bad circumstances. And YES. He GIVES BOTH OF THEM POV! The POV comments are driving me crazy so I know they are the writers! Adam has expressed his admiration for the fandom and his desire to give us the best possible show over and over. AND HE HAS! I guess it's true you can't make some people happy. But I am. Happy with my show. Delighted the writers care so much about the characters. If you're feeling negative don't take it out on the folks who are devoting their lives to giving you the gift of these beautiful characters. Either you love or you don't. Watch or don't but let the rest of us enjoy it without your issues. Adam, you and the other writers have my undying love and support 100% of the time. I'm just one person in millions and my humble opinion may not count but it's here. So THANK YOU Adam from the bottom of my heart for what you do. It doesn't go unappreciated.

A fan fic :)

 

 

Thirty Eight Hours

(I don’t own these men. Kripke does. Caleb and Mac belong to Ridley. I just play with them from time to time. Brotherhood AU. T  With Dean’s deal coming due in less than 2 days, everyone’s feeling a little emotional.)

 

Dean stood on the bank of the pond. Time was running out. He had barely forty eight hours before the contract  was up. He was terrified. He was alone in this. Nothing Sam and Caleb could glean from the wealth of the Hunter’s Tomb was going to save him. No. He was going to Hell. He stood in the sunshine letting it warm his face, looking out at the water. In less than forty eight hours, he would have hell hounds upon him and he would never see Sam or Caleb or Mac or Bobby again. He would never know what it was like to stand here on the farm, listening to the water and the animals, the dogs barking. Two more sunrises and then nothing. He would do it again. Sam was worth it. He realized now that the deal would hurt Sam too. That Sam was just as scared as he was. The difference was that he was certain Sam could get through this, could go on living without him. Unlike Dean who could not have lived without Sam. Everyone else would be up soon. They would all be trying last ditch efforts to save him. Or pretending it would all be okay and God knew how much he loved them for that.  Dean knew he should go back to the house, be there for the rest of his family but he needed the chance to breathe fresh air, to hold onto the sunshine, to be able to remember it in the depths of Hell.

“Duece?”, Caleb’s voice was full of concern. “You okay?” Dean smiled to himself before turning to face his best friend. All of them asked him fifty times a day if he was okay.

“As okay as a guy with less than forty eight hours to live is Damien”. He tried to be lighthearted. It only served to provoke Caleb. The older hunter roughly grabbed his friend’s jacket jerking him closer to him.

“ Damn it Dean! Can’t you be serious just for once in your life? Can’t you just look me in the eyes and admit you’re scared? That you’re freaking terrified of what might happen?” Dean looked into his friend’s red rimmed eyes and saw the absolute sorrow reflected in the amber orbs. He placed his hands on top of Caleb’s and released himself from the older man’s grip.

“Calm down man”, Dean said, no sarcasm in his voice. “ I’m sorry . I am afraid Caleb. I don’t want to go to Hell. But I did it for Sammy. And I’d have done it for you too. You’re my brother too. You know you are. But Damien, nothing’s going to save me now. You and Sam have tried. You looked up and into everything possible. So did Bobby, so did Mac. But it’s over man. I can’t be saved.” He held up his hands, palms open and shrugged. Caleb noticed the defeat in the gesture and it ripped him to his core. Dean started walking towards the house. Caleb had no choice but to follow. He had an overwhelming desire to be as close to Dean as possible. How would he be able to say all that needed to be said? So much had been left unsaid, all their lives. Growing up here together, living within the Brotherhood, they had an unspoken love, so deep it was indescribable. But Caleb needed to voice it. He put a hand on Dean’s shoulder.

“Deuce. Please.” The pain in Caleb’s voice made Dean stop. He could feel every emotion from his friend. The distress Caleb was feeling, Dean knew it. It was his connection as Guardian to the Kinght. He touched the silver ring on his right hand. He turned to face Caleb and was shocked to see tears streaming down  his best friend’s face. “ I need to say this Dean. While it’s just you and me.”

Dean nodded. He knew these speeches from his loved ones were coming. He steeled his own emotions and waited. It took several attempts before Caleb could speak. “Go on.”, he allowed. He freaking did not want to cry. Shit why did it always come back to having to admit how you feel?

Caleb took his wrist and jerked him around to face him. He was rougher than he wanted to be. On the contrary he only wanted Dean to know how much he had meant to him all these years. A quarter century this kid had been his little brother. How did you put a lifetime into a few sentences spoken before the one person you love most in the world is gone forever, because he sold his soul for the one person he loved most in the world? It didn’t bother Caleb that Sam was Dean’s priority. He knew without a doubt he came a close second on the love list.  “Dean, I would give anything, even my own soul, my own life for you not to have to do this. Please let me keep looking. Try to find a way out.” Tears gathered in his eyes and clogged his throat. He clutched Dean’s jacket lapels. “Please little brother. I’m not ready to let you go. Deuce I love you. You can tell anybody I said it out loud. Damn the chick flick stuff. I do and to lose you is like losing me. What are we going to do? Me and Sam and the others, how are we going to get up on May third and act like nothing’s wrong?”

Dean closed his eyes. He gripped Caleb’s wrists and squeezed. “You don’t. You get up and try to deal with it. You take care of Sam for me. And Bobby and Mac and the farm. And you wait until you can stand it and you find another Guardian. And that’s how it’s got to be Damien.”

Caleb shook his head. “No .No Dean I can’t.” Tears were falling unheeded and he didn’t care.

Dean smiled at his best friend. He reached up and wiped the tears away with the back of his hand. He cupped Caleb’s face on both sides and forced him to look at him. “Nothing else to do man. I’m tired of fighting it. I did it, I’d do it again It’s on no one but me. And I love you Damien.” He hugged Caleb close. They stayed that way for awhile. It seemed funny to Dean how he didn’t shy away from physical contact anymore, even craved it. He didn’t pull away first. Caleb was showing him his broken heart ,the least Dean could do was try to keep it together. Caleb finally stepped back.

“Y’good?”, Dean asked him. “They’ll be up. Looking  for us. Making sure I’m okay. God I have never been asked that so many times in my whole twenty eight years of living. Seriously Caleb, I need to keep it together for Sammy you know. And tomorrow, needs to be about him. It’s his birthday and I don’t want him to spend it thinking about me dying.”

Caleb threw his arm around Dean’s shoulders as they headed towards the house. “Doubt he’s gonna forget it’s the day you die Dean. I wouldn’t make a big thing of us trying to forget .We won’t.”

Dean leaned into Caleb a little. “What if I want to forget it?” Caleb stopped walking. Dean’s eyes filled up with tears then.”What if I just want to pretend it’s just Sammy’s birthday? God I’m scared Caleb. I don’t want to go to sleep  tonight. I don’t want to miss one second of living. But I don’t want Sam to know I’m afraid. Please help me keep it together man.”Dean admitting he was truly afraid was so rare it made Caleb shiver involuntarily.

Caleb gripped his shoulders hard, pulling him back in close. “Okay. We’ll play like it’s just another day . Today anyhow, can’t make any promises about tomorrow Deuce. Don’t wander off again though . Stay close.”

“I needed to see the sun rise on the pond, feel close to Jim you know? I don’t want to be alone Damien. I want to be with you guys.” If you only knew what it feels like, he thought. To know you’ll never see these people and places that mean so much, the people and places that had shaped who he was. The two hunters stopped walking when they reached the back steps. Dean turned to face Caleb.

Mac had been watching them watching them walk across the yard through the kitchen window He looked at the brave men they had become. Bobby   came to stand behind him, placing a hand on his shoulder. “Funny “ Mac began, .”Those two represent the best a secret order fighting Evil has to offer and all I see is two boys. Boys who had nothing in common but losing their mothers and fathers who were hunters. And yet they literally became brothers.” Bobby sighed. His own heartache over what Dean had done could not be expressed. Both of the hunters found they could not move, could not stopping watching , making a memory of this moment for later.

Unaware of the older men watching Dean looked directly into Caleb’s amber eyes. Caleb into emerald green ones. They stood there as if memorizing every detail of the other’s face. As if either could forget it. There would be goodbyes tomorrow but they would never be alone together again like this. They were too close to the house to lose it Dean thought, But suddenly he was .Panic engulfed him, surrounded him, cut him to the core. He felt as if everything was spinning, moving too fast. He felt sick and so damn scared. He reached out a hand to Caleb as his knees gave out and he started to fall. Caleb caught him under the arms. He gently sank to the ground beside his best friend. Dean clutched the front of Caleb’s shirt with both fists. “I gotcha  Deuce. I gotcha . You’re okay. You’re okay.” Caleb held Dean close as they sat there on the ground. When Dean’s sobbing started he rocked back and forth with him, whispering words of comfort.

Mac and Bobby forced themselves to stay rooted inside, to give the boys space to grieve together. Both men never realized they were shedding tears of their own. Sam came into the kitchen and looked out at his brother and Caleb huddled on the ground rocking back and forth. He pushed past Mac and Bobby and ran down the steps. He reached Dean and Caleb and dropped to his knees beside them. He reached both arms around them, and the three of them were connected.  Sam dropped his head on top of Dean’s listening to Caleb’s reassurances, ”It’s okay. Breathe Deuce. That’s it, It’s okay ,Sam and I gotcha.  Shh,..” Slowly as he felt their love surrounding him, Dean started to regain control. His brother and his best friend continued to hold him. Tomorrow might

be the day hell hounds ripped him apart but today he was surrounded by more love than any man had a right to and for today, that was enough. He let go of the panic and the fear and  found he was able to focus again. Caleb stopped the rocking and just held on. Sam sat up and ran his hand over Dean’s hair. He felt their despair at not being able to save him. He tried sitting up. Caleb and Sam released him and they sat there side by side. Silent.

“Hey, I’m okay.” And he laughed .Really laughed. .Full body, head back laughing  Laughed because he couldn’t count how many times he’d been asked that over the course of this year. Laughed because Dean Winchester and Caleb Reaves had just lived through the biggest chick flick moment in history, Laughed because Sam Winchester was dumbstruck that his brother could laugh at a time like this.

“Damn it  Deuce, what the hell’s the matter with you?” Caleb growled. He brushed himself off and looked up at Dean.

Dean laughed again, “Hell Damien. That’s what’s wrong with me.” He stood up and held out a hand to his brother, pulling him up to his feet. He held out the other to Caleb who allowed himself to be helped up as well. Dean threw an arm around both of them.  Pulled them close to him.”But that’s not today.” He pushed them towards the house. Inside Mac and Bobby hastily moved to begin preparing breakfast. Caleb and Sam looked at one another over Dean’s head. They had all day today and tomorrow to save him. And they knew they would try, Dean did too. As they reached the door he turned to face them. The two faces of the two people he loved most in the world were looking back at him with so much unspoken grief and love.

“I’m okay.,” he repeated .He opened the back door. Motioned for them to go in. Then followed them. Caleb grabbed a coffee cup, poured coffee, Sam opened the refrigerator and pulled out orange juice, filled a cup. Bobby was setting the table, Mac scrambling eggs. The others greeted one another and the Guardian of The Brotherhood leaned on the counter of his kitchen watching his family.

I’m okay and I need you guys to be too. Caleb looked across the kitchen at Dean. He’d heard the unspoken request, reading his friend without permission and he knew Dean knew it. He winked. Dean nodded and moved to join them. He glanced at the clock. Ten o’clock. Thirty Eight hours. He would treasure all thirty eight for eternity.

Humanity

So on Twitter tonight, the question of will Dean remain human or become a monster came up. I said of course he remains human. And then the question was asked but are you sure. Again a very definite, finite YES. Dean's being human has grounded the show fro nine seasons. His very real understanding of what is human and what is not has been the moral standard for all this time. He refuses to let Sam become a monster. His tender and loving heart has been made him the guardian character throughout. Dean is what makes us cry as he witnesses al the evil that has come against his brother for more thirty years. He has to be human to be Dean. If he makes the choice he will be. What worries me is will the choice be made for him? And if so, can Sam save him? I actually am worried. I have lost sleep over these questions. Time will tell but I believe in Dean's humanity, in Dean's undying love for Sam that is more important to Dean than any other factor in his life.

More FanFiction

There's Hope

Tag to Blade Runners  (I don't own Supernatural or the boys...although I'd like to...)


Dean closed his eyes and leaned back in the seat. He ran his hands over the steering wheel trying hard not to think about the damage Abbadon's minions had caused to his baby. Suddenly he felt tired, Exhausted beyond belief, as if he could sleep for days. He had no energy left to even get out of the car. Sam looked at him from the passenger seat. He wanted to reach out and touch his brother but wasn't sure if he should. After all, he's said some fairly hurtful things. He's even said he didn't want to be brothers anymore. As soon as he's said that he'd regretted it, when he'd seen the look in Dean's eyes but at the moment he'd been sure they'd fix things right away as usual. They hadn't. Somehow today, seeing Dean with the first blade in his hand, he'd been overcome with the old love he wasn't able to express. As much as anything he wanted to comfort Dean, to tell him he didn't have to save the world alone, that they'd do it together, just like always. He waited to see if Dean would speak or move. He didn't. The quiet was very e-like. He'd always been good at keeping his feelings locked up tight. It was the absolute stillness that scared Sam. He hesitated and reached out gently to touch his brother on the arm. Dean didn't flinch or pull away thankfully. He didn't say anything either.

"Dean. Dean?" Sam tried to say more but his throat felt tight, full of tears he didn't want to shed. he took a long, deep breath and continued. "Hey man, you good?" He tightened his grip since his brother had not moved. He glanced over to Dean and his heart turned over a little when a single tear made its way down his face.  Screw it,Sam thought He unbuckled his seat belt and turned to face his brother, not letting go of his  hold on his brother's arm. Dean blinked hard and tried, willed himself not to cry. The large, warm, familiar hand holding on to him felt good. Right. Safe. He wished he could go back in time. If only he could have done the trials instead of Sam. Then there would have been no reason for the debacle their lives had become. He didn't want to but the tears came. Silent tears, no sound. "Dean, hey come on. Let's get you inside. You're exhausted." Sam was relieved when his brother opened his eyes. He looked at Sam long and hard through the falling tears. He nodded. Sam released his grip and somehow the loss of his link to Sam caused that big Sam shaped hole in his heart to open up again. Sam quickly rounded the Impala and opened the driver's side door. He held out a hand to his brother. As he took the offered hand, Dean was aware of the warmth that flooded him at once again connecting physically with Sam. He stood up and was very grateful for the support his brother was giving him. He felt as if his legs would not quite hold him up. God he was tired. Just plain fucking tired. Sam stood there, gripping Dean's wrist tight.
"Y'good? You don't feel dizzy or anything?" Sam's voice. Steadying him. Grounding him. The same voice that pulled him back when he wasn't quite sure what to do after he decapitated Sinclair.

"I'm good Sam." He wasn't but Dean Winchester had spent the last thirty five years being' good' and he wasn't able to change that now. Sam turned loose of his wrist and placed a hand flat on his back, pushing him slightly to the bunker's door. Once inside, he waited for Dean to take the rail of the stairs leading to the main floor before he took his hand away. Dean clutched th rail as the first wave of pain hit. He closed his eyes and tried as hard as he could not to cry out. His whole right arm felt as if it was about to explode. He looked down at his hand and it was shaking violently.

"Dean. Hey I gotcha." Sam rushed to his side, helping him unclench his fingers from the rail. As abruptly as it came, the pain subsided and Dean breathed in sharply.
"Son of a bitch!", he swore. He looked at Sam, a mix of receding pain and fear in his eyes. "What the hell just happened?"

"Maybe it's just some kind of delayed reaction. Like when adrenaline crashes" Ever the logical one. That was Sam. That felt right, safe too. Sam tried hard not to show Dean the panic that had started to give birth in his mind. Instead, he focused on getting his brother down the stairs." Pretty sure you're just exhausted. And a little freaked out. I would be. You just need some rest. Come on Dean". The gentle pressure between his shoulder blades, the warmth of that familiar hand, a physical connection to the one person who mattered helped Dean gain clarity once again and they started down to the main room. Neither Winchester said anything until they reached the hallway to their bedrooms. As they reached Dean's room Sam opened the door and switched on the lamp on the dresser. He went to the bed and pulled back the covers and turned to see his brother staring at nothing as he stood in the door frame. "Dean? You okay?" He knew the answer. Dean's green eyes were glassy and a fine sheen of sweat glistened on his brow. He swayed slightly. Darkness and dizziness were circling around him. he clutched the door frame.
"Sammy." It came out as a hoarse whisper before he crumpled unconscious to the floor.

His brain registered some kind of vague pain. He was trying to open his eyes but he couldn't force his eyelids open. He wasn't exactly sure where he was and this was unsettling. Even more so, where was Sam? Had he managed to save Sam or had Sinclair..? No. That couldn't be possible. Somehow he knew he'd know instinctively of Sam were..gone. Concern for his kid brother won the fight for light, he opened his eyes and almost cried at the sight of Sam, sitting in the chair he'd pulled up beside the bed, sound asleep, long legs propped up beside Dean, dark brown hair falling over his eyes. Dean knew at that moment he'd never seen anything as beautiful in his whole life. This was the way it was supposed to be in Dean Winchester world. He and Sam together. Not that in his heart of hearts he had ever meant to keep Sam for himself. He truly did want Sam to have any life he chose, to go back to school, become a lawyer or a professor, marriage, kids. He wanted them to be close again, wanted Sam to laugh freely at childhood memories, wanted to play pranks, wanted simple things like sitting down to eat and arguing over movie snacks. He wanted what happened to him to matter as much to Sam as Sam did to Dean. Dean was and always been fairly certain no one else in the world loved anyone as much as he loved Sam. Probably this was part of the troubles they'd been facing of late. Dean knew full well the danger of placing your loved ones on a pedestal. The damage done to his deepest soul when Dad died was still a dull ache from time to time. Bobby too. It was true he'd worshiped both men but that was different from his attachment to Sam. Sam had said that Dean saved Sam for selfish reasons, that he couldn't stand the thought of being alone. It was true he got a little freaked out when he thought about that. But the reality of it was Dean didn't know how to be without Sam. The year he'd spent with Lisa and Ben he had gone through the motions, he'd laughed, he'd pretended he was fine. He felt love for them. He had actually had moments of contentment. But every night as he fell asleep and every morning upon waking the giant ache for Sam was overwhelmingly present and it had all but devastated him. When the still present memories of Hell overtook him at night, he was aware that the worst part of even Hell was not being with Sam. He would sell his soul and suffer that again for Sa,. There was nothing special in own mind about Dean. But Sam. Sam was rare. Dean treasured the way Sam reminded him of John, the same dimpled smile that lit up the room and bathed you in something warmer tan sunshine. Dean admired the quickness of that huge knowledge filled brain. Sam w as everything he himself was not. You noticed Sam Winchester when he was in the room. Okay it was hard not to notice a guy who was six four but it was deeper than that. Dean resolved to give his brother space, to ask what Sam wanted, to make sure he didn't have to feel the chasm that had separated them for the last several weeks ever again. Kevin's words and the words of the ridiculous Ghostfacers had had hit home with both of the Winchesters. They had never been really good at expressing their feelings, at least Dean hadn't and as he lay there looking at  his brother's beautiful, sleeping face he made the decision to be more open, more communicative. He knew he needed to start treating Sam like an equal but sometimes it was hard to step out of the take-care-of-Sammy mode. After all for thirty one years that had been his main mission. Sam would never understand how that one assignment Dad had given him on the night of the fire had shaped Dean's life. He would never know because Dean himself could never express it to himself. Dean had spent an entire lifetime believing that if he and Sam were together, it would be alright. We're Winchesters and as long as we're alive, there's hope. Henry had said that as he lay dying in Sam's arms. Dean clung to it then and now. His reverie was interrupted as a wave of pain crept over him. The mark was suddenly dark red and a burning, throbbing sensation accompanied with the violent shaking caused him to cry out before he could stop it.

Sam jerked awake, swinging his feet to the floor. He jumped up from his chair and was sitting beside Dean in two seconds flat. He gripped his brother's shoulder tightly. Dean's eyes were closed and his teeth clenched. he whimpered involuntarily as he fisted Sam's sleeve tightly , twisting the fabric in a knot. "Breathe through it Dean", his voice was soft, reassuring, authoritative and it got through to Dean. Sam ran his hand lightly over Dean's short hair and for some reason that helped Dean more tan the words or hold on his shoulder, This was real comfort that only someone who really loved you could offer. He turned his face slightly so Sam's hand briefly cupped his cheek. As the pain subsided once again Dean opened his eyes.

"Thanks". He said it softly but Sam heard and smiled.

"Okay now?" Dean nodded. "Good.  Here."  Sam reached for a glass of water on the bedside table. He put his hand behind Dean's head and held the glass to his lips. Dean swallowed the cool liquid and felt it ease his parched throat. he pushed the glass away and tried to sit up. Without a word Sam raised him to a sitting position. "We need to find out more about this mark and the blade Dean. You were seriously out of it for awhile and I didn't want to leave you so I haven't done any research but someone knows more than we do."

Dean ran a hand down his face. "I've looked Sammy. I've searched. There's not much out there."
"Not on the Internet. But somewhere in the bunker, there has to be something. And I'm betting Crowley knows more than he's letting on. Course finding him now that he's not downing AB negative may be hard."

Dean gave him a half grin. "It's what I get for consorting with the devil. We seriously have to stop doing that dude."

Sam almost smiled back. "No joking Dean. That blade is gruesome brother. You had a hard time letting go and dropping it. Someone could get hurt. Some one who's not supposed to."

Brother. The word he's missed more tan anything. Sam was calling him brother.

"I know Sam. I have to be careful. If you hadn't...god I don't know what I've gotten myself into this time Sam. I was messed up man from what I did to you and Kevin, I, I...need your help here Sammy."

He wasn't expecting the hug.He found himself suddenly in a crushing, all encompassing Sam Winchester hug. he hugged back, held on for all he was worth. He felt the last months fade away in the intensity of the embrace. Dean clutched his brother closer, he ran a hand over the back of Sam's head, pulled even closer still. He couldn't help the tears that came. Sam felt the hot wetness on his neck and hugged Dean harder as well.

"Dean, I'm sorry. I am. I was pissed and confused and hurting. I know it wasn't me but thinking Kevin thought it was me, I mean...", he looked down suddenly not sure how much he wanted to say or Dean wanted to hear.

"Sam." Sam looked up into green eyes made even more intense by unshed tears. "Sam, it's me who's sorry. I can't help it man. You were right. But it's not just being alone Sammy. It's being without you.I've been looking out for you all your life, hell all of mine and I can't stop now. But you're not a little kid anymore and I've got to stop treating you like you are. And I will Sam. You're an equal partner in this saving people, hunting things, family business thing. I trust you Sam. with my life. But I  need to trust you with yours. And I get that you've had enough little brother treatment. I'll try to be better about that. But not trying to save you? Not gonna happen. I always will Sammy, even if I die trying. I promise I won't do it with  anything like I did with Gadreel or the deal.".

Sam nodded. "I can live with that. Maybe both of us need to change a bit, a lot. Thanks Dean. For everything. Even the Gadreel thing. I was ready to die then but I'm glad I'm alive. I am. We can do this together. I don't think you understood when I said I wouldn't save you Dean, I would. Anytime, always. I meant I wouldn't do it that way. Possession. Deals. Secrets. But Dean you're my brother. The only family I've got. I don't want to be without you anymore than you do me. We'll figure this out Dean. We'll figure this out Dean. Just like always.Okay?"

That sat looking at each other. neither one had said I love you but it hung in the atmosphere around them in a way it had not for a very long time. Dean suddenly felt tired, incredibly so, as if the weight of the last few months was gone and he could finally rest. He struggled to stay awake, to be in this moment he'd longed for with Sam. Sleep was winning. He fought against it.
Sam did smile at his brother's fight against sleep. Reaching out , he pushed Dean back down flat. "Go to sleep Dean. I've got this watch." Dean allowed his eyelids to close. he felt Sam's presence as he had not in a long time. As sleep overtook him, he opened his eyes one more time. Sam smiled again and ran his hand through Dean's hair softly again. "It's alright Dean. I'm not going anywhere." The green eyes closed and Dean gave into the rest he needed so much, Sam carded his fingers in Dean's hair for awhile. God it felt good to be close to his brother again. "I'm not going anywhere", he whispered again. And he meant it. He was where he wanted to be. As long as they were together, alive, his grandfather was right. There was hope.



This is the fic I'm most proud of. It's what I  wished had happened that night after Blade Runners. It didn't but it's still my wish that it will. Sigh.

Fan Fic-ing

When I fell for Supernatural I didn't know there was such a thing as fanfiction ( I now know there's even fanfiction for Seventh Heaven, God bless us everyone!) But when I found it, I fell hard for fanfic too. I read it in secret. I got up early and stayed up late to seek it out. I found out when I read Fangasm Supernatural Fangirls that I was not alone but for awhile I scared myself with the intensity with which I sought takes, especially the ones where either of the boys was hurt or sick and the other brother had to patch up, care for or comfort. I'm a Dean girl and there's plenty of torture for him out there!! I discovered the Brotherhood AU created by Ridley C. James and I was head over heels for it. I loved the backstory it offered, the relationships it gave us. I highly recommend this series. You can find it at  hunterstomb.popullus.net . Ridley encourages others to use her characters so if you're writing feel free.

Which brings us to me. I've begun writing my own fanfiction. I've done Brotherhood stories and regular canon stories. Most of mine are tags to episodes and I've posted them here. If you care to read, do. I am done feeling bad or crazy or whatever about the whole fanfic question. I love it. It gives me just a little more Supernatural in my day.So I'm going to keep on. I hope those of you who haven't but want to will try it! Priceless below is my latest attempt.

Priceless

Tag to Mother’s Little Helper  9.17 Sequel to There’s Hope (Don’t own them, wish I did. Sigh. Sam is concerned after he returns from a job alone that Dean seems afraid)

 

Sam ran a hand across his eyes. The words on the laptop were running together. He needed sleep. They needed to find Abbadon but he needed sleep. He glanced over at Dean who had fallen asleep , head on the table, resting on his arms. He stared at his brother. He’d hoped the talk they had finally had would have made a difference. But Dean was even more withdrawn than ever. Sam was worried. It wasn’t just the not sleeping, the drinking he was pretty sure had become a problem again. He saw something he’d truly never seen in Dean. Dean was scared. He had seen Dean worried of course, usually in conjunction with him. But even the night the hellhounds ripped him apart Sam never saw fear on his brother’s face. There had been sadness, worry and concern for Sam but he had not seen this. And somehow fear in Dean caused near panic in Sam. He got up and went over to Dean. He dropped to one knee and touched Dean’s shoulder.  “Dean?” He shook his brother gently, “Hey want to get up and go to your room?” Dean stirred slightly. He turned his head to face Sam and his green eyes were glassy and red rimmed.

“What? You okay Sammy?,”he mumbled.  Sam felt a little guilty for waking him. He knew Dean wasn’t sleeping much. But he needed to rest in a bed.

“I’m good Dean. You’re the one sleeping on the table. Come on. You need to sleep in your bed.”

Dean tried to pick up his head but it felt as if it weighed 100 pounds and was splitting open. He winced and groaned al little, not wanting to upset Sam. “I can’t. Head hurts.” His voice was gravely and rough. Sam recognized it as Dean’s one-too-many-shots-of Jack voice. He sighed. Could be a long night if  Dean was really hungover.

“Okay. I’ll help you. Trust me, you really don’t want to  spend the night out here, You’ll be sorry in the morning.”

Dean winced again as pain sliced through him. “I’m sorry now.” He knew he needed to get up but his head was killing him .He saw the concern on Sam’s face and big brother mode kicked in. He forced himself to lift his, to be in an upright position. The world tilted to the left and then the right and he was fairly certain there were at least seven Sams in front of him. He pinched the center of his forehead and winced again. Crap. He knew what was coming and it wasn’t going to be pretty. Nausea swept over him and he realized he would never make it as far as the hall bathroom. “Sam…” was all that he managed and the trash can from beside the table magically appeared. He heaved violently several times and was conscious of a large familiar hand rubbing circles on his back. The hand disappeared and Dean felt alone and miserable. Moments later a cool wet cloth was draped on the back of his neck and pressure applied.

“Hey man , y’good?’ Sam asked gently. Dean groaned softly.

“Far from good Sammy. Just shoot me okay?” Sam smiled and chuckled softly. This was more like Dean than he’d seen in days. Maybe if they were nice and slow he could get his brother to his room down the hall and sober him up enough for him to sleep. “Dean, let’s go slow and see if you can get in your bed now okay?” Since Dean didn’t protest Sam slipped his arms around his brother’s chest and pulled him up. Once he was on his feet the world started spinning again but Dean clutched Sam’s arm and stayed straight up.

“We’re going slow Dean. Just a few steps at a time.” Sam tucked his brother’s arm over his shoulder and slipped his other arm around his waist. Dean tried valiantly to make his feet work, very aware that Sam was half carrying him. Waves of dizziness and nausea swept over him again and he fought hard not to be sick again. “Need to rest?” Sam asked. Dean nodded, still clutching Sam’s sleeve tight in his fist. He didn’t want to but his head fell on Sam’s shoulder and he let it rest there. Sam rested his own head on top of his brother’s lightly, holding him steady. If it was chick-flicky then so be it. It was what Dean needed right that moment so chick flick be dammed.

“’K. Keep going.” Dean regained a little control and forced his feet to move. Two minutes, that seemed like two years to Dean, later, he was lying on the bed and Sam was taking off his boots. Boots off, Sam pulled the blanket over him and turned off the lights. He switched on the hall light and pulled up the trash can. “Be right back”, he said touching Dean’s hair lightly. He returned with another damp cloth which he put at the base of Dean’s neck. He sat on the bed beside Dean and placed his hand on his arm, squeezing. “Need anything else?” Dean opened his eyes as wide as he could given the killer headache he was sporting.

“No. Thanks Sam.” Sam gave him a slight smile and patted his arm. “Try to sleep”, he said as he started to rise. Dean reached out his hand. Sam paused and sat back down, taking the hand and gripping it tight.

“Can you stay? Just a little while?” Dean sounded so young. And scared. Sam felt afraid of both. Fear in Dean was still so very alarming. He’d seen it after Hell but very few times ever before or since and Sam would do anything to take that away from his big brother.

“Sure” Sam said.”I’ll stay.”  He sat there silently watching his brother fall into a light slumber. Dean Winchester never slept hard unless he was truly hurt or very sick . Not when Sam was around. Sam turned loose of  Dean’s hand and gently turned his right arm over. The Mark of Cain was dark red and raised up still as if it were angry. Sam touched it with soft fingers, gently and Dean stirred and opened his eyes.

“Don’t Sammy. Hurts when you do that.” Sam saw real pain registered in those green eyes. He stopped and tucked the arm under the covers.

“I’m sorry.” He laid his hand on the top of Dean’s head. To have caused him more pain was more than Sam could bear. He had no idea how they would make this alright but he knew it had to end. He wanted to get  Dean back. He needed desperately to save his brother from whatever burden this mark was bringing.

“It’s not your fault.” Dean’s voice was slurred. “Mine.” This hurt Sam. If he hadn’t reacted as he had that night on the bridge, Dean would never have gone off with Crowley in the first place. He felt an immediate need to make his brother see how much he needed him, forgave him, loved him. Because Sam did. After watching souls fly to their owners he was more convicted than ever before how precious each person really was. Especially Dean.

Sam leaned forward until his forehead and Dean’s were touching. “It’s not about fault Dean. It’s time we got over that. You and me. We’re all we’ve got. Everything that’s happened. It’s the past . I’m the one who’s sorry. You have nothing to be sorry for, Ever. I’m alive because of you. You are the best brother in the world. I need you to see this, to know it completely Dean.” He sat up and saw awe of some sort in his brother’s gaze. Like he couldn’t believe he had heard right. Sam was pretty certain the brightness in those eyes was unshed tears but he continued. “I need you to know I know that there’s nothing past or present you would put before me. Or me for you.” Sam felt a tear slide down his own face now. “I love you Dean. I do. You can call me a girl or whatever but I do. And we’re going to fix this Dean. We are. So.”

Dean clutched Sam’s arm again. Fuck chick flick moments. Sam was opening his heart up and he would too. “Sam. God I love you too little brother.” Coming from Dean Winchester that was a major speech of epic proportions and Sam was aware. He knew Dean had to be pretty tortured for some time to be able to say it. Somehow Sam knew his brother would rather die than be hugged after this admission but damn, they’d already blown stiff upper lip to hell anyway so why not?

So for the second time in a week Sam Winchester hugged his brother tight and Dean did not pull away. He was used to doing the hugging, not receiving it. He’d done it for thirty years. But it felt good to have someone care about him, to have someone to help bear the burden. And the fact that it was Sam, in Dean Winchester world, that was priceless.

Dean leaned into hug and held on for all he was worth. Sam held on too and then gently released his brother. Dean settled once more into the pillow still feeling very hung over, very dizzy and headachy. He didn’t know what was going to happen and yes if he admitted it to himself and he wasn’t sure he ever could to Sam he was afraid. Crowley was right. He was stalling because he was scared. He closed his eyes. It was too much to think about in the shape he was in. He felt Sam stand up and heard him walk down the hall to his room. He heard the door open and waited for it to close. He waited several minutes and then heard his brother’s feet padding across the hall again. Sam was back with the pillows from his own bed. He settled himself on the opposite side of Dean, propping up with pillows, book I hand. He switched on the small lamp on the bedside table which bathed the room in a soft light but not enough to keep Dean from sleeping.

“What’re you reading?’ Dean asked, expecting a tome of men of letters caliber.

Sam said softly. “The Three Muskateers.” Dean laughed. He knew this book was tattered and well read. Sam had received for Christmas when he about twelve.

“All for one and one for all?” Dean asked. His brother chuckled too. There was no telling how many times they’d read the story over again. It felt like home. It felt like family and it felt like them. That’s why Sam had pulled it from the backpack he’d carried around since forever.

“Something like that”, Sam answered. He settled back to read himself to sleep. Dean turned on his side facing Sam and felt sleep pulling him under.

“Night D’artagnan “, he mumbled. Sam reached a hand over and touched Dean’s arm again and squeezed.

“Night Dean”. He wasn’t sure how all this would pan out but he did know this. Dean had spent a lifetime saving Sam and this time he’d move heaven and hell to save Dean.

 

This one is a Brotherhood one I'm fond of.

Thirty Eight Hours

(I don’t own these men. Kripke does. Caleb and Mac belong to Ridley. I just play with them from time to time. Broterhood AU. T  With Dean’s deal coming due in less than 2 days, everyone’s feeling a little emotional.)

 

Dean stood on the bank of the pond. Time was running out. He had barely forty eight hours before the contract  was up. He was terrified. He was alone in this. Nothing Sam and Caleb could glean from the wealth of the Hunter’s Tomb was going to save him. No. He was going to Hell. He stood in the sunshine letting it warm his face, looking out at the water. In less than forty eight hours, he would have hell hounds upon him and he would never see Sam or Caleb or Mac or Bobby again. He would never know what it was like to stand here on the farm, listening to the water and the animals, the dogs barking. Two more sunrises and then nothing. He would do it again. Sam was worth it. He realized now that the deal would hurt Sam too. That Sam was just as scared as he was. The difference was that he was certain Sam could get through this, could go on living without him. Unlike Dean who could not have lived without Sam. Everyone else would be up soon. They would all be trying last ditch efforts to save him. Or pretending it would all be okay and God knew how much he loved them for that.  Dean knew he should go back to the house, be there for the rest of his family but he needed the chance to breathe fresh air, to hold onto the sunshine, to be able to remember it in the depths of Hell.

“Duece?”, Caleb’s voice was full of concern. “You okay?” Dean smiled to himself before turning to face his best friend. All of them asked him fifty times a day if he was okay.

“As okay as a guy with less than forty eight hours to live is Damien”. He tried to be lighthearted. It only served to provoke Caleb. The older hunter roughly grabbed his friend’s jacket jerking him closer to him.

“ Damn it Dean! Can’t you be serious just for once in your life? Can’t you just look me in the eyes and admit you’re scared? That you’re freaking terrified of what might happen?” Dean looked into his friend’s red rimmed eyes and saw the absolute sorrow reflected in the amber orbs. He placed his hands on top of Caleb’s and released himself from the older man’s grip.

“Calm down man”, Dean said, no sarcasm in his voice. “ I’m sorry . I am afraid Caleb. I don’t want to go to Hell. But I did it for Sammy. And I’d have done it for you too. You’re my brother too. You know you are. But Damien, nothing’s going to save me now. You and Sam have tried. You looked up and into everything possible. So did Bobby, so did Mac. But it’s over man. I can’t be saved.” He held up his hands, palms open and shrugged. Caleb noticed the defeat in the gesture and it ripped him to his core. Dean started walking towards the house. Caleb had no choice but to follow. He had an overwhelming desire to be as close to Dean as possible. How would he be able to say all that needed to be said? So much had been left unsaid, all their lives. Growing up here together, living within the Brotherhood, they had an unspoken love, so deep it was indescribable. But Caleb needed to voice it. He put a hand on Dean’s shoulder.

“Deuce. Please.” The pain in Caleb’s voice made Dean stop. He could feel every emotion from his friend. The distress Caleb was feeling, Dean knew it. It was his connection as Guardian to the Kinght. He touched the silver ring on his right hand. He turned to face Caleb and was shocked to see tears streaming down  his best friend’s face. “ I need to say this Dean. While it’s just you and me.”

Dean nodded. He knew these speeches from his loved ones were coming. He steeled his own emotions and waited. It took several attempts before Caleb could speak. “Go on.”, he allowed. He freaking did not want to cry. Shit why did it always come back to having to admit how you feel?

Caleb took his wrist and jerked him around to face him. He was rougher than he wanted to be. On the contrary he only wanted Dean to know how much he had meant to him all these years. A quarter century this kid had been his little brother. How did you put a lifetime into a few sentences spoken before the one person you love most in the world is gone forever, because he sold his soul for the one person he loved most in the world? It didn’t bother Caleb that Sam was Dean’s priority. He knew without a doubt he came a close second on the love list.  “Dean, I would give anything, even my own soul, my own life for you not to have to do this. Please let me keep looking. Try to find a way out.” Tears gathered in his eyes and clogged his throat. He clutched Dean’s jacket lapels. “Please little brother. I’m not ready to let you go. Deuce I love you. You can tell anybody I said it out loud. Damn the chick flick stuff. I do and to lose you is like losing me. What are we going to do? Me and Sam and the others, how are we going to get up on May third and act like nothing’s wrong?”

Dean closed his eyes. He gripped Caleb’s wrists and squeezed. “You don’t. You get up and try to deal with it. You take care of Sam for me. And Bobby and Mac and the farm. And you wait until you can stand it and you find another Guardian. And that’s how it’s got to be Damien.”

Caleb shook his head. “No .No Dean I can’t.” Tears were falling unheeded and he didn’t care.

Dean smiled at his best friend. He reached up and wiped the tears away with the back of his hand. He cupped Caleb’s face on both sides and forced him to look at him. “Nothing else to do man. I’m tired of fighting it. I did it, I’d do it again It’s on no one but me. And I love you Damien.” He hugged Caleb close. They stayed that way for awhile. It seemed funny to Dean how he didn’t shy away from physical contact anymore, even craved it. He didn’t pull away first. Caleb was showing him his broken heart ,the least Dean could do was try to keep it together. Caleb finally stepped back.

“Y’good?”, Dean asked him. “They’ll be up. Looking  for us. Making sure I’m okay. God I have never been asked that so many times in my whole twenty eight years of living. Seriously Caleb, I need to keep it together for Sammy you know. And tomorrow, needs to be about him. It’s his birthday and I don’t want him to spend it thinking about me dying.”

Caleb threw his arm around Dean’s shoulders as they headed towards the house. “Doubt he’s gonna forget it’s the day you die Dean. I wouldn’t make a big thing of us trying to forget .We won’t.”

Dean leaned into Caleb a little. “What if I want to forget it?” Caleb stopped walking. Dean’s eyes filled up with tears then.”What if I just want to pretend it’s just Sammy’s birthday? God I’m scared Caleb. I don’t want to go to sleep  tonight. I don’t want to miss one second of living. But I don’t want Sam to know I’m afraid. Please help me keep it together man.”Dean admitting he was truly afraid was so rare it made Caleb shiver involuntarily.

Caleb gripped his shoulders hard, pulling him back in close. “Okay. We’ll play like it’s just another day . Today anyhow, can’t make any promises about tomorrow Deuce. Don’t wander off again though . Stay close.”

“I needed to see the sun rise on the pond, feel close to Jim you know? I don’t want to be alone Damien. I want to be with you guys.” If you only knew what it feels like, he thought. To know you’ll never see these people and places that mean so much, the people and places that had shaped who he was. The two hunters stopped walking when they reached the back steps. Dean turned to face Caleb.

Mac had been watching them watching them walk across the yard through the kitchen window He looked at the brave men they had become. Bobby   came to stand behind him, placing a hand on his shoulder. “Funny “ Mac began,.”Those two represent the best a secret order fighting Evil has to offer and all I see is two boys who had nothing in common but losing their mothers and fathers who were hunters. And yet they literally became brothers.” Bobby sighed. His own heartache over what Dean had done could not be expressed. Both of the hunters found they could not move, could not stopping watching , making a memory of this moment for later.

Unaware of the older men watching Dean looked directly into Caleb’s amber eyes. Caleb into emerald green ones. They stood there as if memorizing every detail of the other’s face. As if either could forget it. There would be goodbyes tomorrow but they would never be alone together again like this. They were too close to the house to lose it Dean thought, But suddenly he was .Panic engulfed him, surrounded him, cut him to the core. He felt as if everything was spinning, moving too fast. He felt sick and so damn scared. He reached out a hand to Caleb as his knees gave out and he started to fall. Caleb caught him under the arms. He gently sank to the ground beside his best friend. Dean clutched the front of Caleb’s shirt with both fists. “I gotcha  Deuce. I gotcha . You’re okay. You’re okay.” Caleb held Dean close as they sat there on the ground. When Dean’s sobbing started he rocked back and forth with him, whispering words of comfort.

Mac and Bobby forced themselves to stay rooted inside, to give the boys space to grieve together. Both men never realized they were shedding tears of their own. Sam came into the kitchen and looked out at his brother and Caleb huddled on the ground rocking back and forth. He pushed past Mac and Bobby and ran down the steps. He reached Dean and Caleb and dropped to his knees beside them. He reached both arms around them, and the three of them were connected.  Sam dropped his head on top of Dean’s listening to Caleb’s reassurances, ”It’s okay. Breathe Deuce. That’s it, It’s okay ,Sam and I gotcha.  Shh,..” Slowly as he felt their love surrounding him, Dean started to regain control. His brother and his best friend continued to hold him. Tomorrow might

be the day hell hounds ripped him apart but today he was surrounded by more love than any man had a right to and for today, that was enough. He let go of the panic and the fear and  found he was able to focus again. Caleb stopped the rocking and just held on. Sam sat up and ran his hand over Dean’s hair. He felt their despair at not being able to save him. He tried sitting up. Caleb and Sam released him and they sat there side by side. Silent.

“Hey, I’m okay.” And he laughed .Really laughed.Full body, head back laughing  Laughed because he couldn’t count how many times he’d been asked that over the course of this year. Laughed because Dean Winchester and Caleb Reaves had just lived through the biggest chick flick moment in history, Laughed because Sam Winchester was dumbstruck that his brother could laugh at a time like this.

“Damm it  Deuce, what the hell’s the matter with you?” Caleb growled. He brushed himself off and looked up at Dean.

Dean laughed again, “Hell Damien. That’s what’s wrong with me.” He stood up and held out a hand to his brother, pulling him up to his feet. He held out the other to Caleb who allowed himself to be helped up as well. Dean threw an arm around both of them.  Pulled them close to him.”But that’s not today.” He pushed them towards the house. Inside Mac and Bobby hastily moved to begin preparing breakfast. Caleb and Sam looked at one another over Dean’s head. They had all day today and tomorrow to save him. And they knew they would try, Dean did too. As they reached the door he turned to face them. The two faces of the two people he loved most in the world were looking back at him with so much unspoken grief and love.

“I’m okay.,” he repeated .He opened the back door. Motioned for them to go in. Then followed them. Caleb grabbed a coffee cup, poured coffee, Sam opened the refrigerator and pulled out orange juice, filled a cup. Bobby was setting the table, Mac scrambling eggs. The others greeted one another and the Guardian of The Brotherhood leaned on the counter of his kitchen watching his family.

I’m okay and I need you guys to be too. Caleb looked across the kitchen at Dean. He’d heard the unspoken request, reading his friend without permission and he knew Dean knew it. He winked. Dean nodded and moved to join them. He glanced at the clock. Ten o’clock. Thirty Eight hours. He would treasure all thirty eight for eternity.

 My all time fave is called There's Hope but it got deleted off the computer by mistake. I have a hrd copy and I'll be retyping it soon. Writing the fanfic has been very rewarding to me. It's given me the chance to express myself and what I wish had happened or my take on what did. Go read some. There's something for everyone. Google Supernatural fanfuction. Enjoy a guilty pleasure. Then write some. You deserve some fun!!

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