Dean wasn't sleeping. He'd tossed and turned for a couple of hours. The whole thing with Sully was keeping him up. It was an easy hunt as hunts go. Again he'd had a people are crazy moment. But it wasn't the hunt.No it was Sam. The whole idea that Sam had said he was lonely as a kid. And of course there was his renewed visions and the I need to go back to the cage speech in the car.And for an hour or more he'd heard the Yello Eyed Demon say in Dad's voice in his head, "You fight and fight for this family. But the truth is, they don't need you, not like you need them." The fact that he had somehow failed Sam when they were kids was almost more than Dean could take. He scrubbed a hand down his face and threw back the covers. He placed around his room for a good half hour and looked at his watch. Five a.m. Okay. Not too early. He walked across the hall to Sam's room and opened the door. His brother was sleeping, on his stomach, face covered by hair. Dean smiled. He wondered if he would ever look at Sam sleeping and not see a child. He'd come into the room fully intending to wake Sam but watching him sleep , he just couldn't. He pulled the comforter higher over Sam and laid his hand on his head. He brushed back the hair from Sam's face and turned to go. As he reached the door Sam mumbled, "Dean?" Dean stopped but didn't turn around. "Dean, you 'kay?"
"I'm okay Sam." He sensed Sam sitting up. He still didn't turn around. He heard Sam's bare feet on the floor. Felt his hand on his shoulder.
"Something is wrong. You're acting weird ever since Sully showed up. Can't you just talk to me man?"
Dean closed his eyes. No. I can't. I don't know how to fix it. Instead he said,"You gotta admit it's weird when imaginary friends turn out to be real.Seriously Sammy. I'm fine."
Sam wasn't letting this one go by with I'm fine. Dean came into his room for a reason. "Dean. I know you're not. Just come over here or we'll go in the library but we need to talk." Dean's shoulders slumped and Sam knew he'd won.
"Let's go in the library." Sam turned loose of Dean's shoulder and Dean led the way to the library. Once there Sam sat down on the couch and waited. Dean paced a little, clearly nervous. He finally perched on the edge of his favorite armchair and looked at the floor.
"Look Sam, about the you bring a lonely kid thing. I didn't know. I....tried. I guess I never thought about you know...you having friends and....I....was focused on keeping you safe and fed and....that was my job. So if I kept you from having friends, if I was the reason you needed an imaginary friend....I'm sorry okay?" He suddenly felt ridiculous. Because if he was truly honest with himself, he had been jealous of Sully. Jealous of something his brother made up at what age? Nine? He felt silly admitting it but there you had it. Sam listened and he knew what the confession was. He knew Dean felt jealous. The you had me his brother had retorted at his admission to being a lonely kid wasn't lost on him. Sam also heard something else in what Dean just said. What Sam heard underneath was If I wasn't good enough....
"Dean, you know that was a really long time ago. And you weren't the reason I was lonely. It was constant moving, the secrecy, the feeling different from you and Dad." Dean looked up and his expression was sad.
"How were you different? Besides being a freaking genius? " Sam smiled. He slid to the other side of the sofa to be closer to Dean.
"I didn't want to hunt. I didn't picture this life for myself." Dean nodded. He looked at the floor again. Sam's heart twisted a little as he realized the guilt and maybe fear Dean was feeling. He reached out and grabbed his brother's arm. "But that was a long time ago. That was before...."
Dean looked up. "Before what?" He sounded tired. Sam wanted nothing more than to make him feel better.
"Before you went to Hell. Before I went to Hell, before I was soulless and you were a demon. Before Henry gave us the key to the bunker and we found out we were Men of Letters. Dean this IS our life. And we're doing it together. No imaginary friends needed. Ok?"
Dean sighed. "Ok. Sammy, if...." His brother cut him off.
"You think I don't get what goes on in your head. You think I don't know how you feel. Stop it alright? You were good enough. You were the best big brother. You ARE the best big brother. Dean I think it sucked you never got to just be a kid. You had more responsibility at eight than I do now. I made up an imaginary friend because I wanted someone to talk to. Not because you weren't good enough. It was because of me, not you."
Dean stood up, running a hand through his hair. "Well you obviously couldn't talk to me so I wasn't doing something right. Look Sam it's too early in the morning to do this. And since the imaginary friend isn't so imaginary after all, it's good you had him I guess. " He sat on the sofa and leaned his head back.
"Dean, did you sleep at all?"Sam inquired.
Dean closed his eyes. "Not much." There was still the elephant in the room and he hadn't mentioned it. The I need to go to the cage thing. He was too tired to discuss it. But they needed to. Waves of sleep began to pour over him. "Sam, I think I need..." He stopped.
"A nap" Sam finished for his brother. He gently rearranged Dean so instead of slouching in the corner of the sofa he was lying down. He pulled the blanket off the back of the couch and covered Dean up. Sitting on the coffee table beside him Sam watched his brother sleep. He knew he had big decisions to make. Probably ones Dean wasn't going to like. But Sam had realized something yesterday when he talked to Sully. Sully said the imaginary friend goes away when the kid doesn't need them anymore. Sam had known the minute Dad called and told him to get on the bus that he was going to his real heroes. Dad and Dean. And in reality they had been all he needed. He hoped he could make Dean see somehow that everything Sam had done, had become was in part because of Dean. For Dean. No one could ask for or have a better brother. Sam wished he had been as good a brother to Dean as Dean had to him. He stood up. There was research he could do. And some plans to make. He went toward the kitchen to make coffee and turned back to look at his sleeping brother. Softly he said out loud, "Ever think I love you? Cause I do. No imagination needed." Coffee. Research. Sam Winchester had work to do.
