Holding on for Dean has become my hellatus mantra. Because ever since my hero died I cry myself to sleep. I dream about what happened like a replay or I dream about what my heart wishes had happened. And so when I wake up I tell myself I am holding on for Dean. I have to believe we'll get real Dean back. (And for the record, I still love Demon Dean because he's Dean but i want my Dean back.) I have to keep faith that Sam will come thru. That he will save his brother and restore all that's good in Winchester world. i have to believe this because this is my alternate universe. uase I need to believe this to keep going.I have had real grief over this situation. Time has helped. I am able to function again. I get thru the days. I laugh and make jokes and do ordinary things. But at night it comes back to haunt me. I know there are those who think I'm crazy and I don't care. This grief has been so real to me. Sometimes it is still so raw I can't believe it. Fortunately, I have the greatest Supernatural family there is. And these are not my biological family (except my daughter Lindsey who is the Sam girl to my Dean girl)These are forever friends I'd have loved anyway if we hadn't been connected by our love for all things Winchester and this fanfriggintastic little television show. The fact that we are connected by SPN is the ice cream on Dean Winchester's pie. I know I'd never have survived hellatus so far if not for Lindsey, Angie, Elizabeth, Jilly and Amy. Ww are lucky to be US. I am holding on everyday for my hero to return. And I know he will. It'll be hard I am sure but he's worth the wait!!
