Demon Dean...Oh MY!

Comic-Con has come and gone and with it a delightful interview or two or three or four... with some very delightful and attractive, okay drop dead gorgeous men! We saw the gag reel snippets and laughed at Jared's Castiel antics. 

We`also saw a very scary and disturbing Demon Dean and Sam clip of the episode Jensen directed. I watched it. I watched it again. And the damn thing has haunted me ever since. I watched in horror as Demon Dean swung an axe at his little brother.An axe! And I said out loud to the screen, "Baby! What the hell are you doing?" Oh my. That's what I kept saying out loud to myself. I am terrified. I saw the excitement of Jensen and the cast and I am so very happy he is up for the challenge and I know he is going to be fanfriggintastic. How could he NOT? It's Jensen! "Come on!" He's excited. My nearest and dearest Supernatural sisters are excited. And I'm.....terrified. Totally. I am proud of ten years. I am completely supportive of the writers and the storyline. It's my show. I know it's going to be alright. But I cried again last night y'all. I miss that boy. I want my man back.( As the song says, "I can't help loving that man of mine." ) 71 days have passed since he died in Sam's arms. 69 until we see him for the first time as Demon Dean. I'll be there. I'll love him for who and what he is. It's DEAN however twisted he's become. But I'm pinning a lot of hope in little brother. Sam, it's your biggest test babe!! 

This morning I watched Swan Song on TNT. And it as usual destroyed me. Such love. Such looks exchanged with no words spoken that conveyed the words. We knew Dean loved Sam, that Sam loved Dean.  I knew that love when my sweet Dean said to his brother, "I'm proud of us". And I am trusting we will see that amazing love again. We simply have to. It's the Winchesters. It's what they do. Get through the hard stuff and save the lost one.  I am holding on baby. Waiting for the day when we get you back, when everything is restored to it's proper balance and you are not Demon Dean....you'll be Dean. I'll hold on because I'm proud of you.

Howling At The Moon

So Demon Dean is living it up with Crowley in Vegas and doesn't as my sweet potato says, "give a shit about anything" and "making up for lost time" ? Well that actually sounds....pretty fucking amazing and well....adorable. Maybe I can survive the Demon Dean adventures after all. I don't want him portraying pure evil, killing everything and everyone in sight. If he's just bad in the uber Dean Winchester badass way....perhaps I'll make it.

Don't get too excited. I am still pretty torn up. I want my man back as he was y'all. So bad it hurts. And God knows it does. But the look on Jensen's face on the recent AccessHollywood interview. Well, I could eat him up and if Demon Dean's just going to be a devil may care rogue run amuck then I can grab onto the hot. For a time.

Dean Winchester is more than a handsome guy. We all know that. He's a hero not just because he's saved the world countless times. He represents family, keeping the faith, fighting the faith....home. He's suffered more than anyone should have to and he keeps on doing it because he is the embodiment of brave, and faithful and true. 

Let him have some fun. He deserves it.Lethim go howl at the moon. Let me see some "firey demonic whatever" but let him come back as everything he is, worthy and heroic and well....my heart. Because he is just that.

Hellatus is Hell

Let's face it. Hellatus is....hell. It's speculation, waiting, worrying and this year, mourning. Yes. I still have my breakdowns. Last night I cried over Dean for over an hour. Just went to bed, closed the door and sobbed into my pillow. I know Demon Dean excitement is high. And to a certain extent, I am excited. Jensen will be fantastic as this other side of his character. Certainly, he will be the handsomest demon Supernatural has ever seen! But when whatever great song is played...Highway to Hell maybe?...the new season will start and I won't have my DEAN. There will be Demon Dean. But that , as awesome as he'll be won't be MY Dean! So here we are at this tome of spoilers and summer cons and squees and speculations and I feel like a crappy fan because as happy as I am for my sweet potato to have this gig, I still ache over that horrible death scence. I still feel like part of me was ripped out and turned inside out. I am getting through. I'm trying to embrace him as a demon. I want to be able to. For Jensen. For the show. For everyone's excitement. And I am excited. Excited because Sam is going to save him. And there's a musical episode. And "firey demonic whatever".....mmmm. So how to get through this hell known as Hellatus? Just keep going I guess. Makes you wonder if time really does heal all wounds. Mine is so fresh still, so raw. I have so much faith in the writers, in the show, in Sam. Sam is ready for the task. He's finally a grown up. He's not as self absorbed, he realizes Dean is not infallible and that Dean needs his love and care too. So I have put my trust in Sam. I am dealing with my grief. I am focusing on what good is coming. I am supporting it all, embracing the new season. I have laughed, even made a few Demon Dean jokes. This is fantastic in tvland. 200 episodes rarely happen. They all deserve so much celebration. I'm trying. But honestly, when it gets dark and quiet, I remember... he's gone. I watched him die and now he's not the same. And I don't have a clue how to get through this   particular hell of Hellatus. He's real to me. Very real. He's my hero. So I've decided to put on my game face. Like what Frank told Dean back in Season 7 and do it with a smile. And then go back to my dark place and cry. Until it gets better. Still a pretty good chunk of time to endure. And I'm betting on no saving the boy until mid season Hellatus.....damn...more hell... I'm holding onto what Jensen himself said to me, "You're okay." Until I am. I kinda think Dean would be sad I'm crying myself to sleep ( probably Jensen as well) but since I'm pretty sure he's had his share of night time tears, he'd understand. Which is oddly comforting.  That's where I am. Enduring the hell of Hellatus until I can say "You're okay" and mean it.

My Hero

Dean Winchester is my hero. I've never made a secret of this
and I have been VERY open about my grief and mourning
because the fictional love of my life died. I posted something
on my FB page that prompted a family member to
say "I don't get it".Never mind that I have another family
in the fandom that DOES get it. I am not writing this to defend
my feelings for Dean, Supernatural or my addiction to
both. This is my attempt to explain that Dean Winchester is my
hero because he has touched my soul. I relate to this
fictional but very REAL character. I understand the
things he feels better than anyone will ever know
(except Angie, Elizabeth, and Jilly)andI make
no apologies for this.I get Dean because I understand his
life experience. Not exactly. I'm not a hunter.
but his struggling with self worth, his quest
for real love, his dealing with too much
responsibility. I get all that. He's more than just the
most handsome man in the world, Supernatural or
otherwise. He's the rock. The cornerstone.  The guy
that makes you want to keep going. The one
who makes it okay to cry, the one who gives
unconditional love. He's changed me, made me feel
okay about ME. He has no idea and neither does
the wonderful actor who plays him.
But if my family and acquaintances want to laugh
or shake their heads or think I need to get
out more, that's alright. It's not their life, it's not
their love, their hero. But he's MINE.
I have spent 53 days mourning my
lost love.And I'm counting on his little brother to
find a way to bring him back (and at NO risk to Sam
PLEASE). We've been thru a lot. But I'm holding on.
Until we figure it out. Just like we always do.

For Better or Worse

We are deep into Hellatus. I have had some time to work through some of my feelings. I have had a really hard time with the finale of all finales known as Season 9. Yes, I grieved and cried maybe more than I'm truly ready to admit. I doubt I will ever be able to watch that episode as a rational, sane person. I admit it. As my very dear friend says, "I am in a long term relationship with a fictional character." So how am I coping? With a  lot of help from my SPN friends, with a lot of re-watching, a vast amount of happier fan fic and a lot of looking forward to VegasCon! Also, hugging a special little Dean look alike doll made by my friend Jilly. I still cry, especially at night. I still want to beg the writers to give me my Dean back, at least soon. (Episode 2 is not too soon for me!) But here's what I know....even if he stays a demon forever, I'll still be in love with Dean Winchester. Do I want that? No! I shy away from all black eyed pictures, am not a fan of the "posters" going around on Twitter. But here's the biggest lesson you learn from Supernatural....you love people they way they are. That goes for the characters and well for us, the fans. I don't always agree with everyone's ideas about what should happen but I respect their right to love the show and be excited about what gets them. I won't stop loving Dean if he stays Demon Dean. But if I get one wish this season....please give him back to us. He's our hero. He's the rock we count on. We need him the way he was. So, to my fictional boyfriend... I love you for better or worse.....I do. But if Adam and Robbie read this....PLEASE....give him back with pretty green eyes....