Wednesday, May 13, 2015
Dean Loves Sam
I can't sleep. It's late or early and all I can think about is Supernatural and what is going down between my boys/ It's been a hell of a road so far from "I'm proud of us" to "I think it should be you up there". The Mark of Cain and just all the collateral damage is what's making him say and do whatever is ahead. He isn't fully DEAN at the moment of he wouldn't say those things.Because at the very center of Dean Winchester's core, the main reason he's still living is SAM. Sam is the most important thing to him. Probably Sam is too important to him because most of the bad decisions he's made have been directly related to Sam and keeping Sam safe.It's who he is. The very fact that he would utter such words to his precious baby brother illustrates just how strongly the mark has taken hold. He wants so much to believe he can just live with the thing. He admitted to dark thoughts and violent urges last week. He's a very strong person. It's one of the reasons we love him, that ability to carry on, hold on to the hurt and get through.I have to hold on to his love for Sam if I am to believe he will be saved now or as Jensen said "down the line". I cried over that interview.I wanted him to tell me it would all be okay. But it's a Supernatural finale and I'm not that optimistic it can be a good thing. The last one nearly did me in. I know there are people who will say it's just a television show. But see, it's not. It's more than that. For me anyhow. It's a hero's journey. And the one part of the hero's journey that's hard is his down spiral into darkness. It's the test before the purification of the character. Dean's been tested and tortured but this is something else. This is can he survive becoming something else, making it back to his fully human self.Kind of like Anakin Skywalker , best of the best young Jedis becoming Darth Vader and finding his way back.(And no I'm not a major Star Wars scholar bit I've taught The Hero's Journey using Star Wars and Supernatural side by side.) How this will happen I don't know. Am I prepared for it? A resounding no. This show...it means more to me than almost anything else in my life. Besides my kids, right now it is my life.I am scared. And not afraid to admit it.Last year I missed all the spoilers of what was to come. I watched my hero die in his brother's arms and a part of me died too. I grieved for Dean Winchester on a level I can not put in words. I was so hopeful when he was "cured". I tweeted "DEAN WINCHESTER IS SAVED and God I wanted to believe he was. I still believe in him, still believe he will be. I have to. The one thing though that makes Dean Dean is that love for Sam. And it's there. I do not for a second believe he will kill Sam.He said "No. Never." to Cain. I believe in my heart of hears, Dean will tell Sam he loves him before this season is over, or at least show hm he does. I'm kinda afraid that "personal handwrittten note" Jensen was writing will say this to Sammy. And that scares me. It scares me so bad I don't want to not watch and yet I have to. I'm worried the fandom will divide on what Dean says and oh- Sam-deserves -it. I think it;s just better if we just remember this is the epic love story of Sam and Dean an try to love and support each other through it. To quote Dean, "Hell if this ain't whatever". I believe in my heart of hearts what he said to his brother at the church. There is nothing past or present that I would put before you. he's lived thirty two years for that. For loving Sam, taking care of him.Sam is his mission. His journey will always lead back to Sam. One way or another. There ain't no me if there ain't no you. It's still true. On both sides. I keep holding on to what Jared said at VegasCon 2013 "they love each other the same". I'm sad and maybe disappointed he let those cruel words of anger slip out to his brother but I can't fault him. He's not fully himself. God help us tonight and next week. But hang onto the love between these two. It can never be conquered.
Thursday, May 7, 2015
Barely Holding On
I just came down from an adrenaline rush from an argument I got myself into with someone on Twitter who I had an opposite opinion with. My timeline is full today with hate regarding the death of Charlie. Now here's my take on Charlie. She's a well written, well developed, well acted character that has been a good friend to the boys. I liked Charlie. I didn't love her more than any other "family" member the Winchesters have had. I realize they care for her. I am the only person I know in the fandom I think who isn't mourning her today. It was sad, unexpected...really good , suspense filled writing. My heart broke for the boys. It really did.
I got myself in a thing on Twitter with someone who was discussing the sexual politics of Supernatural. I'm not homophobic, racist or supporting misogamy. Far from it. I have tried to raise my children to be free from prejudices. First off, I don't believe Supernatural espouses any of these. I don't think the boys are hateful to women....witches I will give you...vampires yes but they have also showed mercy to several women monsters. I think with the exception of Demon Dean and what's-her-name (I can't recall) the waitress, Dean has always been considerate and appreciative to his lovers and even just women they casually encounter. Cutting Sam some grace on the soulless thing, he is also very sweet to his GFs and even stops Dean being mean to female monsters. Rowena , let's face it is a bitch of a witch. She's played well too btw. So I'll give him grace on that too. And he hasn't hurt her. Just yelled a little. There was a list of women who'd died and I simply said, I didn't miss them. I don't need them. They served a purpose and they are gone. You can'y keep fifty characters around for a decade. Some of them have to go. Here's the thing. I don't watch the show for the "strong female" characters. I like how they are written and acted. Love Jody Mills for instance. But I watch for my men. My very manly, very often violent by nature of the job and the SL, men. Shoot me. I don't want them having wives and kids to come home to. I adore that Jensen and Jared do have that. But for Sam and Dean it would take away from their own relationship and has. You have to remember that these guys grew up devoid of a woman's influence and touch in their lives. So they lack real skill in something to mirror a real relationship by. Dad wasn't giving it to them. But they are respectful of women. So my thing....I guess I was saying unsuccessfully that I and probably lots of others don't watch television for the feminist or sexual stands they make. I don't "ship" anyone. I watch because it's a good story. Does say TVD make any stand on any of these things? Does The Walking Dead? Did Superman? Not that I've noticed and while I have seen The Walking Dead and Superman, I haven't TVD so don't get me if I missed something there.
I am very protective of the show, especially of Dean but also of Sam. Honestly, this show has totally changed my life. At this moment in my life, I have given up every single thing that makes me me...my home, my job, my independence to take care of my mother who has Stage 4 cancer. The only part of what's essentially Angie that I have here with me is Supernatural. Lots of people, including a few of my friends and my own beautiful daughter have shared with y'all and Jared and Jensen about their battles with depression. Mine was not so much my own battle but watching loved ones. I had a bipolar husband who ultimately committed suicide. I have watched my very brave children work through that and come out on the good side. I found Supernatural as a single mom who was teaching emotional behavior disordered students and trying to live up to really hard expectations of what others wanted me to be. I had a mountain of responsibility and no one to really lean on. No one to look to for example. Enter Dean Winchester. He was brave, he had struggled and was struggling with his own baggage. He was also beautiful, extremely kind and loving to his family. He became my hero. Having that weekly thing to look forward to, knowing I identified so much with, being able to share it with my Sam girl daughter, meeting really good friends in the fandom. It means the world to me. It's my safe harbor. When my hero died last year, it was really hard. It was like real death of my loved one. I love Dean. He is real to me. The closest I have come to allowing myself to be depressed is the summer Dean died. I cried for like the first three days. I think in mourning for him I also grieved for the other things I hadn't allowed myself to.
But back to the here and now. I actually don't want to be here. Of course I don't want my mom to have cancer. I don't want to feel like I do...trapped almost, without any real dreams of a future for myself at this point. But It's family. You do what you have to. Even when it's hard. A lesson I learned from the Winchesters but also from the rest of my life. I don't do things quite the way my mom would always like them done. I get criticized a lot by other family members who really aren't even helping at all. And right now, my safe haven is threatened. My hero and his brother are in a down spiral. I'm terrified of losing Dean again. Afraid for Sam. The winding down of the season is becoming my breaking point. I'm holding on for them. Hoping for the best but preparing for the worst...whatever that is. Things are bad in Winchester world. And gaining in intensity everyday in my real world. I don't say this for sympathy. I'll muddle through just like I always do. I'm just saying I'm barely holding on most days and if I offended anyone on Twitter I'm sorry. I'm not engaging in battle anymore for quite a while I think. I watch Supernatural for my boys, for my hero.I don't want to fight with anyone. So, I'm sorry. Here's my olive branch. I think, I hope I'm an intelligent person who has good things to say. I try NOT to dwell in negativity but everyone can have a bad day at Blackrock.
I got myself in a thing on Twitter with someone who was discussing the sexual politics of Supernatural. I'm not homophobic, racist or supporting misogamy. Far from it. I have tried to raise my children to be free from prejudices. First off, I don't believe Supernatural espouses any of these. I don't think the boys are hateful to women....witches I will give you...vampires yes but they have also showed mercy to several women monsters. I think with the exception of Demon Dean and what's-her-name (I can't recall) the waitress, Dean has always been considerate and appreciative to his lovers and even just women they casually encounter. Cutting Sam some grace on the soulless thing, he is also very sweet to his GFs and even stops Dean being mean to female monsters. Rowena , let's face it is a bitch of a witch. She's played well too btw. So I'll give him grace on that too. And he hasn't hurt her. Just yelled a little. There was a list of women who'd died and I simply said, I didn't miss them. I don't need them. They served a purpose and they are gone. You can'y keep fifty characters around for a decade. Some of them have to go. Here's the thing. I don't watch the show for the "strong female" characters. I like how they are written and acted. Love Jody Mills for instance. But I watch for my men. My very manly, very often violent by nature of the job and the SL, men. Shoot me. I don't want them having wives and kids to come home to. I adore that Jensen and Jared do have that. But for Sam and Dean it would take away from their own relationship and has. You have to remember that these guys grew up devoid of a woman's influence and touch in their lives. So they lack real skill in something to mirror a real relationship by. Dad wasn't giving it to them. But they are respectful of women. So my thing....I guess I was saying unsuccessfully that I and probably lots of others don't watch television for the feminist or sexual stands they make. I don't "ship" anyone. I watch because it's a good story. Does say TVD make any stand on any of these things? Does The Walking Dead? Did Superman? Not that I've noticed and while I have seen The Walking Dead and Superman, I haven't TVD so don't get me if I missed something there.
I am very protective of the show, especially of Dean but also of Sam. Honestly, this show has totally changed my life. At this moment in my life, I have given up every single thing that makes me me...my home, my job, my independence to take care of my mother who has Stage 4 cancer. The only part of what's essentially Angie that I have here with me is Supernatural. Lots of people, including a few of my friends and my own beautiful daughter have shared with y'all and Jared and Jensen about their battles with depression. Mine was not so much my own battle but watching loved ones. I had a bipolar husband who ultimately committed suicide. I have watched my very brave children work through that and come out on the good side. I found Supernatural as a single mom who was teaching emotional behavior disordered students and trying to live up to really hard expectations of what others wanted me to be. I had a mountain of responsibility and no one to really lean on. No one to look to for example. Enter Dean Winchester. He was brave, he had struggled and was struggling with his own baggage. He was also beautiful, extremely kind and loving to his family. He became my hero. Having that weekly thing to look forward to, knowing I identified so much with, being able to share it with my Sam girl daughter, meeting really good friends in the fandom. It means the world to me. It's my safe harbor. When my hero died last year, it was really hard. It was like real death of my loved one. I love Dean. He is real to me. The closest I have come to allowing myself to be depressed is the summer Dean died. I cried for like the first three days. I think in mourning for him I also grieved for the other things I hadn't allowed myself to.
But back to the here and now. I actually don't want to be here. Of course I don't want my mom to have cancer. I don't want to feel like I do...trapped almost, without any real dreams of a future for myself at this point. But It's family. You do what you have to. Even when it's hard. A lesson I learned from the Winchesters but also from the rest of my life. I don't do things quite the way my mom would always like them done. I get criticized a lot by other family members who really aren't even helping at all. And right now, my safe haven is threatened. My hero and his brother are in a down spiral. I'm terrified of losing Dean again. Afraid for Sam. The winding down of the season is becoming my breaking point. I'm holding on for them. Hoping for the best but preparing for the worst...whatever that is. Things are bad in Winchester world. And gaining in intensity everyday in my real world. I don't say this for sympathy. I'll muddle through just like I always do. I'm just saying I'm barely holding on most days and if I offended anyone on Twitter I'm sorry. I'm not engaging in battle anymore for quite a while I think. I watch Supernatural for my boys, for my hero.I don't want to fight with anyone. So, I'm sorry. Here's my olive branch. I think, I hope I'm an intelligent person who has good things to say. I try NOT to dwell in negativity but everyone can have a bad day at Blackrock.
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