I just came down from an adrenaline rush from an argument I got myself into with someone on Twitter who I had an opposite opinion with. My timeline is full today with hate regarding the death of Charlie. Now here's my take on Charlie. She's a well written, well developed, well acted character that has been a good friend to the boys. I liked Charlie. I didn't love her more than any other "family" member the Winchesters have had. I realize they care for her. I am the only person I know in the fandom I think who isn't mourning her today. It was sad, unexpected...really good , suspense filled writing. My heart broke for the boys. It really did.
I got myself in a thing on Twitter with someone who was discussing the sexual politics of Supernatural. I'm not homophobic, racist or supporting misogamy. Far from it. I have tried to raise my children to be free from prejudices. First off, I don't believe Supernatural espouses any of these. I don't think the boys are hateful to women....witches I will give you...vampires yes but they have also showed mercy to several women monsters. I think with the exception of Demon Dean and what's-her-name (I can't recall) the waitress, Dean has always been considerate and appreciative to his lovers and even just women they casually encounter. Cutting Sam some grace on the soulless thing, he is also very sweet to his GFs and even stops Dean being mean to female monsters. Rowena , let's face it is a bitch of a witch. She's played well too btw. So I'll give him grace on that too. And he hasn't hurt her. Just yelled a little. There was a list of women who'd died and I simply said, I didn't miss them. I don't need them. They served a purpose and they are gone. You can'y keep fifty characters around for a decade. Some of them have to go. Here's the thing. I don't watch the show for the "strong female" characters. I like how they are written and acted. Love Jody Mills for instance. But I watch for my men. My very manly, very often violent by nature of the job and the SL, men. Shoot me. I don't want them having wives and kids to come home to. I adore that Jensen and Jared do have that. But for Sam and Dean it would take away from their own relationship and has. You have to remember that these guys grew up devoid of a woman's influence and touch in their lives. So they lack real skill in something to mirror a real relationship by. Dad wasn't giving it to them. But they are respectful of women. So my thing....I guess I was saying unsuccessfully that I and probably lots of others don't watch television for the feminist or sexual stands they make. I don't "ship" anyone. I watch because it's a good story. Does say TVD make any stand on any of these things? Does The Walking Dead? Did Superman? Not that I've noticed and while I have seen The Walking Dead and Superman, I haven't TVD so don't get me if I missed something there.
I am very protective of the show, especially of Dean but also of Sam. Honestly, this show has totally changed my life. At this moment in my life, I have given up every single thing that makes me me...my home, my job, my independence to take care of my mother who has Stage 4 cancer. The only part of what's essentially Angie that I have here with me is Supernatural. Lots of people, including a few of my friends and my own beautiful daughter have shared with y'all and Jared and Jensen about their battles with depression. Mine was not so much my own battle but watching loved ones. I had a bipolar husband who ultimately committed suicide. I have watched my very brave children work through that and come out on the good side. I found Supernatural as a single mom who was teaching emotional behavior disordered students and trying to live up to really hard expectations of what others wanted me to be. I had a mountain of responsibility and no one to really lean on. No one to look to for example. Enter Dean Winchester. He was brave, he had struggled and was struggling with his own baggage. He was also beautiful, extremely kind and loving to his family. He became my hero. Having that weekly thing to look forward to, knowing I identified so much with, being able to share it with my Sam girl daughter, meeting really good friends in the fandom. It means the world to me. It's my safe harbor. When my hero died last year, it was really hard. It was like real death of my loved one. I love Dean. He is real to me. The closest I have come to allowing myself to be depressed is the summer Dean died. I cried for like the first three days. I think in mourning for him I also grieved for the other things I hadn't allowed myself to.
But back to the here and now. I actually don't want to be here. Of course I don't want my mom to have cancer. I don't want to feel like I do...trapped almost, without any real dreams of a future for myself at this point. But It's family. You do what you have to. Even when it's hard. A lesson I learned from the Winchesters but also from the rest of my life. I don't do things quite the way my mom would always like them done. I get criticized a lot by other family members who really aren't even helping at all. And right now, my safe haven is threatened. My hero and his brother are in a down spiral. I'm terrified of losing Dean again. Afraid for Sam. The winding down of the season is becoming my breaking point. I'm holding on for them. Hoping for the best but preparing for the worst...whatever that is. Things are bad in Winchester world. And gaining in intensity everyday in my real world. I don't say this for sympathy. I'll muddle through just like I always do. I'm just saying I'm barely holding on most days and if I offended anyone on Twitter I'm sorry. I'm not engaging in battle anymore for quite a while I think. I watch Supernatural for my boys, for my hero.I don't want to fight with anyone. So, I'm sorry. Here's my olive branch. I think, I hope I'm an intelligent person who has good things to say. I try NOT to dwell in negativity but everyone can have a bad day at Blackrock.
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