130 Days Reflecting on Brotherly Love

 It's been 130 days since my hero died. I rewatched  Do You Believe in Miracles? again and I made it through. It was still awful. I cried and no I didn't sleep well that night. But. I noticed a lot of things I missed in the tension before. Like when they put Dean in the dungeon, he argues with Sam and Cas but you can see he's almost relieved to be taken care of. A rare Dean trait,that rarely shows up. Also, he hesitates when Crowley asks if he wants to get rid of the mark. It's written all over his face he does but in true Dean fashion he goes with the mission, "I want Metatron." When Sam catches up with him, he tries to tell Sam he's sorry, again in a stumbling Dean fashion. He knocks Sam out yes, but to protect him once again. He gently picks up Sam's arm and as he rearranges it over him, he pats him and lingers just a second to look at Sam, just in case it's the last time. When Metatron stabs him, the look of shock on his face is terrifying. I guess I was too busy screaming "NO, NO, NO!" the first time but there is a moment when you can see he realizes this is it. He tries to fight back and for once in his heroic life he doesn't. When Sam says, "I lied", he responds in Dean Fashion, "Ain't that a bitch", but the expression on his face was My little brother really does love me. I think it's what prompted  "Sammy, I'm proud of us".  This hurts but I think he felt it was okay to let go if he knew it was okay between him and Sam. He felt loved enough finally to just fall against his brother and give up. That being said, I believe in that love. and when my Dean comes back, I think it will be his touchstone, remembering those moments. I'm counting on that brother thing to save them, to restore balance in Supernatural world. It's been a hell of a Hellatus. I have grieved for most of those 130 days. I'm better. I'm actually excited about Demon Dean because I know he's going to be alright. Who knows what else S10 has in store for us? I know I'll be there no matter what. Because I really and truly love Sam Winchester's big brother.

1. 
   

Carry On 110 Days and Counting

It's been 110 days since the worst Supernatural moment ever happened.
My hero Dean Winchester died.  For 110 days
I have worried about getting him back. I know
that Demon Dean is not going to be relatively
short lived but I must admit as excited as I am for
Season 10 to begin I still dread my Dean not being
there. It throws off my sense of well being. Of
that security that big brother is in charge. Now
I am not delusional.  I know Dean is a fictional
character. But he represents all that is hope and
family and love.He is a unique character that
is every man. He means more to me than I can
verbalize. I found my fictional boyfriend by accident.
He was already a whole fandom's hero before I
discovered him. And I found him at a time when
I was most vulnerable.  I was at  cross roads in my life
and I did not have a partner or a rock to lean on. And
there was Dean embodying so many if my same
struggles. And I fell irrevocably in love. So my
grief over losing him was REAL. I am still not over
it. I need to have him back. The October start
date isn't when my guy comes back. When he's not
Demon Dean I'll start to properly heal. If I'm crazy
then I am. But I have been holding on 110 days
and I'll keep on until he's back....and forever.  Because
It's DEAN.

..."Be kind"

I guess it's inevitable during the con season for people who don't go to the current con to be a bit , for lack of a better word, jealous of those who do. Supernatural fans are incredibly passionate, especially when it comes to whichever boy they love best. I am fortunate to have con plans this season. Some of my closest
friends just returned from VanCon where they were able to spend a week after the con. I'm not going to lie. I'd have adored to be there. But reality dictates I may not actually ever have a schedule that allows me 2 weeks off to play in Vancouver. I am glad my friends did. They shared their experiences with me and they had a great time. I guess the reason I am writing this is I've noticed there seems to be a sense of  competition in the fandom. To be seen as super fans or better fans. I have three Supernatural besties and we aren't jealous of one another. But one of my followers made the comment that people who attend make her feel bad as a fan since she doesn't think she will ever be able to attend one. I guess what I'm trying to get to is summed up in a tweet to a fan by our own Jared Padalecki..."be kind" (he wasn't saying she was mean let me clarify). There's a way to squee that isn't bragging! I have from time to time struggled with the "better fan" issue. I've come to realize even if I were not lucky enough to have actually seen and touched Jensen Ackles it doesn't mean I'd love him or the show any less. That's a cherry on my sundae but it doesn't mean I'm not as good a fan as the people who can take the time to do multiple cons. It doesn't mean I am less appreciated as a fan by cast and crew.So if you're tweeting your experiences,be kind. If you're wishing you could go to a con, be kind. Fandom is to unite the fans, not tear them apart. What matters is, we all love this show and these guys!