130 Days Reflecting on Brotherly Love

 It's been 130 days since my hero died. I rewatched  Do You Believe in Miracles? again and I made it through. It was still awful. I cried and no I didn't sleep well that night. But. I noticed a lot of things I missed in the tension before. Like when they put Dean in the dungeon, he argues with Sam and Cas but you can see he's almost relieved to be taken care of. A rare Dean trait,that rarely shows up. Also, he hesitates when Crowley asks if he wants to get rid of the mark. It's written all over his face he does but in true Dean fashion he goes with the mission, "I want Metatron." When Sam catches up with him, he tries to tell Sam he's sorry, again in a stumbling Dean fashion. He knocks Sam out yes, but to protect him once again. He gently picks up Sam's arm and as he rearranges it over him, he pats him and lingers just a second to look at Sam, just in case it's the last time. When Metatron stabs him, the look of shock on his face is terrifying. I guess I was too busy screaming "NO, NO, NO!" the first time but there is a moment when you can see he realizes this is it. He tries to fight back and for once in his heroic life he doesn't. When Sam says, "I lied", he responds in Dean Fashion, "Ain't that a bitch", but the expression on his face was My little brother really does love me. I think it's what prompted  "Sammy, I'm proud of us".  This hurts but I think he felt it was okay to let go if he knew it was okay between him and Sam. He felt loved enough finally to just fall against his brother and give up. That being said, I believe in that love. and when my Dean comes back, I think it will be his touchstone, remembering those moments. I'm counting on that brother thing to save them, to restore balance in Supernatural world. It's been a hell of a Hellatus. I have grieved for most of those 130 days. I'm better. I'm actually excited about Demon Dean because I know he's going to be alright. Who knows what else S10 has in store for us? I know I'll be there no matter what. Because I really and truly love Sam Winchester's big brother.

1. 
   

Carry On 110 Days and Counting

It's been 110 days since the worst Supernatural moment ever happened.
My hero Dean Winchester died.  For 110 days
I have worried about getting him back. I know
that Demon Dean is not going to be relatively
short lived but I must admit as excited as I am for
Season 10 to begin I still dread my Dean not being
there. It throws off my sense of well being. Of
that security that big brother is in charge. Now
I am not delusional.  I know Dean is a fictional
character. But he represents all that is hope and
family and love.He is a unique character that
is every man. He means more to me than I can
verbalize. I found my fictional boyfriend by accident.
He was already a whole fandom's hero before I
discovered him. And I found him at a time when
I was most vulnerable.  I was at  cross roads in my life
and I did not have a partner or a rock to lean on. And
there was Dean embodying so many if my same
struggles. And I fell irrevocably in love. So my
grief over losing him was REAL. I am still not over
it. I need to have him back. The October start
date isn't when my guy comes back. When he's not
Demon Dean I'll start to properly heal. If I'm crazy
then I am. But I have been holding on 110 days
and I'll keep on until he's back....and forever.  Because
It's DEAN.

..."Be kind"

I guess it's inevitable during the con season for people who don't go to the current con to be a bit , for lack of a better word, jealous of those who do. Supernatural fans are incredibly passionate, especially when it comes to whichever boy they love best. I am fortunate to have con plans this season. Some of my closest
friends just returned from VanCon where they were able to spend a week after the con. I'm not going to lie. I'd have adored to be there. But reality dictates I may not actually ever have a schedule that allows me 2 weeks off to play in Vancouver. I am glad my friends did. They shared their experiences with me and they had a great time. I guess the reason I am writing this is I've noticed there seems to be a sense of  competition in the fandom. To be seen as super fans or better fans. I have three Supernatural besties and we aren't jealous of one another. But one of my followers made the comment that people who attend make her feel bad as a fan since she doesn't think she will ever be able to attend one. I guess what I'm trying to get to is summed up in a tweet to a fan by our own Jared Padalecki..."be kind" (he wasn't saying she was mean let me clarify). There's a way to squee that isn't bragging! I have from time to time struggled with the "better fan" issue. I've come to realize even if I were not lucky enough to have actually seen and touched Jensen Ackles it doesn't mean I'd love him or the show any less. That's a cherry on my sundae but it doesn't mean I'm not as good a fan as the people who can take the time to do multiple cons. It doesn't mean I am less appreciated as a fan by cast and crew.So if you're tweeting your experiences,be kind. If you're wishing you could go to a con, be kind. Fandom is to unite the fans, not tear them apart. What matters is, we all love this show and these guys!

Social Media and Hate.."Not on MY Boys You Don't!!"

It's Jday at VanCon! One of my besties is meeting the guys for the first time and I am happy for her! I seriously want to be there. Hugging Jensen...but I'm not. I'm following it on Twitter and thru my two buddies who are there. And what I'm concerned about is people tweeting hate to the Supernatural cast and writers. I have said this so many times before but here it goes one more time. If you don't love it and accept it the way it is, you can change the channel!!!  I don't usually comment but I told a particularly rude person saying hateful things about Jared to please stop. She replied "dude, we're just having fun...I often insult people I love....it's how I roll.' You insult people you love?? I reported her for being offensive and abusive for several insulting remarks on her page. Then some B*%#@H says the show and one of the writers was bigoted.Again, DON"T WATCH if you are unhappy.I am very happy with my show and I am very attached to these writers and LOVE these actors. I think it's just plain wrong to tweet hate and especially to @ the stars/writers in your tweet. They are working hard. They are people with feelings and families and friends. I am not a fan of many shows but I'm not tweeting hate to them or their writers.And most Supernatural fans are as protective as I am. But I'm just saying, if you are abusive and you show up on my TL, talking about my boys, I WILL report you and block your mouth.

Of Fangirls and Cons

It's coming up on VanCon and while some of my nearest and dearest are going, I am not. I wish I was. I'm all ticketed and booked for VegasCon but 204 days until that wonderful party starts seems a long way off in the light of this weekend. It makes me feel a little sad and left out. You know, until my own big deal Supernatural gig comes up. It made me stop and reflect on cons and what they do for a fangirl.Creation Entertainment does a great job of giving us exposure to our stars. I remember saying "It's a once in a lifetime thing." YEAH RIGHT. Barely 4 hours in I was so addicted and coming back next year! Cons are special. They have a this-is-the-only-real-world feeling. Nothing outside the hotel really matters. Because in "real" life there is no Supernatural, no chances to hug up to Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki, no basking in their glory. But more than that, there is a community. It's easy to feel isolated and not really believe there are actually people out there as crazy as you are. I mean social media helps but seeing and feeling that energy really confirms you belong to something more than words can express. Look, I know cons are expensive. They just are. But it's worth it. You don't have to start gold although you'll want to after you experience it. Start with General Admission or preferred seating if it's a better deal for you. They have a new copper level for Vegas this year that is like preferred seating plus. I have gotten a lot of tweets from fans who see my icon and say Oh you met Jensen! I never will. I really encourage those fans to start saving up. There are so many ways to experience the Cons. There is something so special at being able to be involved in this community. It's the stars yes and they are ALL inspiring wonderful folks, but it's the other fans, the shared experience that hypes you up. It shows you the devotion every single person attached to this show has. As a fan you will feel loved and appreciated . You will laugh and enjoy it more than I can tell you. There will be tears but they are bonding and you'll probably hear something kinda like your own how-Supernatural-changed -my-life-story. You'll see stars hugging people, hear them thank you for taking a picture with them.( If you're like me and the Jensen Effect hits you really hard, and you can cry but not speak, you might have the experience of him telling you it's going to be okay and not let them move you along until you are, all the while patting you and looking at you right in the eyes with concern.) It will be something that validates your whole fan girl life. It's like  religious pilgrimage.

When I go to VegasCon this year I will have close friends to share it but last year I knew exactly two people when I went and one of those was my daughter. So. One other friend who I only knew from Twitter. But everyone was talking to each other as if they had known each other forever.It was incredible. And for the record? My Twitter friend? SO one of my best friends in the world and mainly because we connected on Twitter about going to a con. My point? Try to do it y'all. At least once. (if you are strong enough to say once.) You won't regret it. Then you'll be waiting to hear from your pals as they go the ones you're not at! But if they're as fanfriggintastic as MINE they'll make sure you're covered with con fun!!

Day 86

It's been 86 days since my fictional boyfriend died. I still feel the loss. I rewatched  Blade Runners this week and I cried. What has happened to that cocky sweet boy who loved his father, his brother, his car , burgers and pie? Why did life have to treat him so harshly? All he wanted was a home, a mom, a nice girl to love and kids of his own. Instead he lived 30 years in crappy motels and his beloved car, lost every person he ever loved and survived more injuries than any person should have to. And yet he still hung on. He still felt he did more good than bad and he still would do anything to save his brother. He rid the world of countless things of evil, saved the planet once or twice and with little or no thanks form heaven or hell. Sometimes with no thanks from the people he loved the most. He did love and deeply. He shied away from "chick flick" moments and yet he cried and touched and hugged and was  not ashamed when it happened. He literally spent his life taking care of his little brother.So why would a boy like that deserve to die so brutally? He didn't. The fact that his last words were to praise his brother and admit his own worth is almost more than I can bear. I know he'll be back. Somehow a boy like that with a brother like the one he raised will be saved.It has to happen. I am counting down the days.I will embrace the Demon Dean story. It's Dean, and he's still somewhere. But the day I will celebrate is the one where I can tweet Dean Winchester is saved...again! I miss my boy. I miss that smile and the dreamy sweet look in his eyes. It's been a hard year plus 86 days for me and my guy. But I/m holding on. Until we see this Dean again: